Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Very boring days… And don’t know what to do sometimes

April 20, 2019

It’s raining a heck of a lot today. It’s miserable and dreary, and I’ve got my house shut up and the sun isn’t out, so I’ve had no sunlight today or yesterday. The weather is wetter today. I guess that’s why a lot of people hate Brisbane. The person I argue with sometimes, they’re lucky they have a family to go out with on a rainy day. I don’t have it so bad, it’s more that I don’t have someone who can drive me around at will, as she does. That’s it really. I love and hate Brisbane. Brisbane has a lot more entertainment than Cairns, there’s a lot more to do here. But I hate Brisbane because as far as services and support for the blind goes, it’s pretty shit, just like anywhere in Australia. So as much as I’d prefer to live in Brisbane, I still hate the lack of support from disability organisations, no matter where I choose to live. So Brisbane has its pros and cons, but so does Cairns, and Sydney (can’t stand living there at all), and so does Melbourne or Canberra and Tasmania. Otherwise, Brisbane is a pretty good place to live in.

As for support services: I like that I can go to VA at any time to sort things out where assistive technology and education are concerned. What I really dislike is, people thinking they can march into my unit and decide what I will and won’t manage with my life, how I’ll live, what I want, how I feel. No thank you! This isn’t why I wanted support workers. I’d have no support worker if I could have my way with that. Secondly, the Link Vision residents. To hell with the majority of them! I’m putting my life in order, waiting till I’ve got a new SEIDA dog, and fucking off out of this shit hole! Unit is fine, good place to hang out. Except that everyone is so grumpy all the time and the complex grounds are horrible. The people who run this place are a bunch of losers too. And nobody cares about anybody else and the volunteers are jack fuck all with their volunteer jobs – they’re just retards who think they’re so big and important, the volunteers are just dickhead fucking residents who know nothing and are useless lazy bastards. It’s no wonder some people go crazy when they choose to live here. I’m not moving out yet because I’m waiting for a new guide dog from SEIDA and I like my unit. The units are fine, and the complex wouldn’t be so bad generally, if people showed a lot more respect for others and we could all get along a bit more. As for me and my experience living here, I hope all the neighbours disappear – I won’t notice or feel affected, so basically they won’t be missed. I suppose the reason nothing changes is because most people are too frigging stupid or lazy or both, to give a shit and do something about the issues. So any one of us who want changes to happen, don’t get anywhere. So to hell with almost everyone here. I can’t stand the neighbours and why the Vision Australia support workers can think any differently, I don’t know or fathom. I’m gonna apply for Housing Commission at Kelvin Grove as soon as I’ve settled in with a seeing eye dog for six months. Then I’ll apply for a unit over there. They don’t have air-conditioners, but I can get a portable aircon. And the units are better in a lot of ways, and I can own other animals because they allow pets. I’d just get a bird and when I get really old, a small lap dog until I eventually die. I like my unit, but the location of these nice units is really shit. So I do, and don’t like, Link Vision. I guess it depends on the context. The management and most residents are bloody shitty people. Oh well, when the time comes I’ll pack up and move without notifying anyone except for the cleaning service, Guide Dogs, and VA. Everyone else associated with this joint can get stuffed.

I’ve been reading heaps of books of late. I’ve also listened to Netflicks day in and day out too. I’ve got online shopping set up really good as well, so I have most of my life in order now. All I have to do is save up big time, apply for Housing Commission, and fuck off out of here. It’ll take at least three years to get that project set up, including getting a guide dog, but this will give me time to save money, get a new phone, put this unit in order, get ready so I can pay for a removalist at a moment’s notice, and leave. I won’t keep in touch with any of the residents or come back here to visit anyone. I’ll be forever going to Fairfield Gardens and Buranda Village though! I’ll just be living in a better location. I could live at Beenleigh, but the Kelvin Grove units are cheaper and they allow pets. The no-pets policy was introduced here a few years ago and the management won’t allow pets again. Fuck them!!!!!!!!!! I have it good here, but at the same time I can live in a better location. The place isn’t set up for VI people in the first place, so I’d do better finding another unit. But for now I’ll save money and leave when I’m comfortable and ready. I’ve learnt not to consider anyone else in my decisions, I know I’m living my life for myself. For now, I’m happy to live here and keep to myself, hang out with my friends, and go out as often as I can afford.

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Life in order and going full speed ahead!

April 9, 2019

I’m having a good day! Overnight I submitted a shopping order to Woolworths Online. Now that I’ve got myself on an even keel with my health, I’m back to my old ways and habits: Coffee over Braille books, soft drink whenever I socialise or listen to TV or Netflicks shows, walking, reading for hours on end, day and night, etc, etc. I had Subway for lunch with one of the neighbours, and I’m still waiting to find out when I can go into Vision Australia to get my laptop fixed. I think at this point I’m betting on dumping this laptop and just getting a new one. Personally I think Vision Australia won’t fix the laptop. So I won’t waste my time with them.

I’m still waiting on a parcel with some Braille products in it. I hate Australia Post, they don’t leave parcels at the door and I can’t stand the postal workers at my local post office, so I do everything in my power to avoid picking up parcels from there. I’d rather be home so I can sign the parcel over to myself straight away. I bet the parcel won’t turn up this week if I stay home, but as soon as I leave home, suddenly it’ll arrive and I won’t be here! In any case we’ll see what happens. As for me, I’m going to wait till I’ve got my seeing eye dog before I decide to move out of here. I can’t see myself moving out so soon, but heaven knows with all the shit that goes on around here, anything could happen. Unit complexes are pretty dangerous places to live in. Most people are weird and fucked in the head, that’s for sure. The last thing I’d want is for me or my new dog to get harmed because of some self-entitled scumbag. But you never know, maybe the dog will be just fine living here. I just don’t trust many people, especially around this complex, so if I’m not disturbed too much, I won’t disappear. Otherwise, I’ll be packing up and shifting before anyone finds out otherwise. So hopefully I’ll be left in peace. This unit is a good spot, it’s the people who I don’t want anything to do with.

I considered going out this afternoon. But the weather turned hot so I turned my aircon on and will use a neighbour’s Wi-fi to upload audio recordings, instead of going to the library. Autumn hasn’t come in properly, it’s still summer here. I don’t think we’ll get a cold winter this year. I don’t want to spend my NDIS allowance on taxis all the time, because I’ll need it for important outings like Guide Dogs, or if public transport breaks down and I may need a cab to get home or to a destination. So of course as much as I’d love to go out today, it probably ain’t gonna happen. To complicate things, I have to be home from 4 pm onwards, because of online shopping. I think Woolies has the best service going! Eldie is reasonable for buying certain things, but I’m not a cheap and nasty person; my groceries have to be good quality. I do try to go cheapscape on certain things, but I need good food. The worst part about Eldie stores is their inability to keep track of all their stock, resulting in expired or rotten food and other goods. Every supermarket has a bad day, but Eldie is the worst of them. I’ll still go there from time to time, but I’ll use Woolworths as my go-to supermarket and will use Eldie for on-the-fly shopping. I hate cheap, shitty food. Vegies are ok, so are some packages of biscuits, pasta and rice, and the like. But I’ll be very selective of what I buy from Eldie. As for Woolies, I’m happy to buy them out of house and home!!!!!!! I spent two hundred dollars on my latest shopping order and I don’t give a shit if that’s too much money for some. I like my vegies and my variety of foods, ranging from savoury to sweet foods. And I like to keep stock of other products too, things like dish cloths, cleaning supplies etc. When I get my new dog I’ll be buying rubber gloves too, so I can keep my unit clean if he/she has an accident or throws up. I may still vomit sometimes, but won’t feel as crook from having to clean up shit and spew, if I can keep gloves handy and even if I still have to wash my hands, there won’t be a lot of grime to clean off of them. Let’s hope the poor mutt won’t run into difficulty all the time. I suppose I’ll be keeping a fortune in a bank account in case I have to pay someone to replace the carpets, and also to save the dog’s life in an emergency, or my life too, for that matter. This is what I like about making online shopping lists, I can save the products I want and simply buy them at a later date without having to search high and low for them.

I’m planning an outing for tomorrow. If I’m summoned into VA, I can simply catch a taxi from wherever I’m at, and just go to VA. It means carting the laptop around with me if I were to go with that plan, so instead I’ll just go out and as soon as I receive a phone call, I’ll walk home if it’s not too warm, and get a cab from there. I’m so sick of talking to people over the phone. I’ve tried to warn the person a million times that I can’t fix my computer because of how it plays up, so I can hardly imagine fixing the fucking thing with someone at the other end of the line! B think last week’s discussion was a waste of time really, like for Christ’s sake there isn’t much I can do otherwise I wouldn’t frigging be asking for help would I! God some people have no fucking brains. I guess if push comes to shove, I’ll ring a computer bloke who lives in Cairns and send the laptop up there, which means I’ll be paying the guy an hourly rate, plus postage and handling. I suppose I could work something out. Even better, I could book a trip to Cairns and bring the computer with me and ring the bloke when I’m there. He can fix the laptop while I have a good time. Something will have to give though, because I need my computer to work properly. The next hurdle to jump over is setting up a budget for a home Wi-fi connection. I think Telstra and Optus rip everyone off, but no other phone companies are allowed to run their services in Fairfield. I think this area sucks, another reason – moving out, except these units are nice, so I’m eternally afflicted with staying here versus moving out. I have two options of where I’d like to move if I decide to vacate this property. But very now, I’m staying put and I’ll eventually work out a good deal with Optus since they’re expensive but cheaper than Telstra. The way Management runs this place is a different story, which I won’t go into today. I’m happy to go out and have a good time, and stay hidden away from the scummy lot whenever I’m here in my unit. At least I can get along with some of the people so I’m not completely isolated. One thing you can be sure of though, I won’t be turning to anybody around here for help if ever I get into any difficulty. Relying on oneself and the outside community is my best bet if any hassleso arise, and I have plans a quick exit by taxi if ever I need to vacate quickly on a temporary basis, such as when some neighbours start dramas and I have to disappear at a moment’s notice. Usually I can get away on foot, but I may occasionally have to quickly do a runner for the day or an evening, and a taxi would be my quickest way of escape such as running away from fire or from anyone who would start trouble with me. Hopefully I won’t need to use my escape plans, but I do keep them in the back of my mind just in case.

Peace at last!

April 2, 2019

I haven’t written for quite a while. So I thought I’d write before I wash the dishes and cook dinner. I’m still doing ok. I see a psychologist sometimes but all is well otherwise. I’ve got VA and Guide Dogs, as well as a couple of other providers set up in my NDIS package now. I’m going to get some more O and M lessons set up and I’ll also be going to some cooking and self-defense classes with Guide Dogs too. The advanced cane class was great too, I went to Guide Dogs two weeks ago for that course. Other than that, I haven’t done much today.

I’m currently waiting for a new dynamo Braille labeller and a Braille watch. I refused to get a talking watch because my phone talks to me, so I don’t need a talking watch. I’m also getting some assistive technology set up. A Braille Embosser, Perkins Brailler, a talking scanner and an electronic Braille display are in order. I need as much normalcy in my life as possible. If everyone can keep hardcopy print materials and can access this at any time, I have the same right to Braille information, and equal access to information. I can live in the sighted world with the right technology, and I’m going to fight all the way for it! I need to update my talking barcode scanner as well. It has its place in my life, and I really like it so I want to keep it.

I’m doing really well with Woolworths online shopping. I do forget to add items to my shopping trolley sometimes, but I can still manage independent shopping pretty good! I think Woolies is heaps better than Coles. I haven’t gone near Coles for months now. I don’t give a crap if Coles is cheaper. I’d rather shop where products are good value for money. So Woolies it is. I can spend my time doing other activities with support workers now. As for the psychologist, we’re gonna discuss a few things where my welfare and physical safety is concerned, and after that I’m moving on with my life. Hopefully nothing untoward occurs in the near future, the laij thidg I want is to have declining health and give up on life. I’m ok for now. So I’m just going to enjoy my peaceful life while I can.!

My life is in order!

March 7, 2019

I haven’t done a lot today. I sat around reading some stuff on the Internet and had toast for breakfast. I decided against a meal that I microwaved. I rarely waste food but when I realise that maybe I don’t like something I’ve cooked after all, I ditch it. I’ll still be cooking occasionally but I’ll no longer have to put left-over food in the freezer. I’m now buying frozen meals from a company called Gourmet Meals, which is Australian-owned. So I can simply eat any left-over food that I cook, for the next two or three days. I won’t buy frozen meals every week, but I’ll certainly buy them every eight weeks or so. I’ve decided not to add Gourmet Meals to my NDIS plan as I won’t be buying them often enough. If I couldn’t cook at all and had no other option for a well-cooked feed besides chicken and salad, yes I’d have to get the assistance of NDIS funding for the meals. But as it is, I don’t mind cooking sometimes, like boiled spuds, scrambled eggs, rice with something else, etc. And as of last Thursday, I got all my care supports organised. My new NDIS plan lasts until February next year, and the NDIA is now dealing with my care providers and I have to verbally consent to all my services through the NDIA now. That’s fine with me because now I know my care providers are working out properly. All I need to do now is renew my companion card! I read the paperwork yesterday, and emailed it to the program support coordination person at Vision Australia, who will hopefully pass it onto the care support person in charge of rostering the CSWs. This is so freaking cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It took long enough but I’ve got the ball rolling. And hopefully by June or July, I’ll be going on some Friday group outings. In my NDIA package, I only go on some outings of interest. But next year I may change this to weekly Friday outings; we’ll see how I feel about this change. I like one-on-one support and organising my own group outings better, but maybe if most Friday group activities are interesting, I’ll let the NDIA people know to increase my budget. As it is, I need to keep money aside for the introduction of a seeing eye dog. So as it stands, I may end up just leaving the Friday outings as is.

My gyni appointment went very well. I don’t need any medical procedures at this point in time, so I’m following the same pattern as with my eyes – I’m putting off any operations and other treatments for as long as I can. The Miurina isn’t happening. I developed bad side effects from the Implannon, so the Miurina will only create the same problems, just in a different way, whether it works better or not. I don’t want unpredictable bleeding and breakthrough sickness over a hormone medication not working properly. The Estregen pill is working without any bad side effects, so I’m keeping it. I’m also going to demand the uterine oblation before a historectomy too. I don’t discriminate between body parts; if anything can be fixed, then fix it; if it’s too crook, remove it. I don’t care if it’s an eye, an arm, a foot or a hand, or a vagina, or a bladder, or a lung. Get rid of it if it’s too broken to fix. It’s not about childbirth, it’s about comfort. Childbirth isn’t realistic for everyone. I’m gonna be frank with the doctor about this today, and if he doesn’t like me, he can hand me over to a different doctor and fuck off for all I care. I don’t need people to like me. I need people to respect my wishes and my comfort zone. If ya can’t do that, ping off. Besides that I’m doing fine so I don’t need extra health support. The nursing staff made sure I wasn’t going to pass out and die while I was on the toilet, but if they don’t check on someone taking a shit, they’ll get sued if something does happen to go wrong. Other than that, I’m all good. I don’t respect anyone’s opinions about me; if I’m comfortable, I push everyone away and put everybody in line with a few rude remarks. And if the doctors aren’t quick enough with their medical procedures, a remark with a sharp word gets the job done. I’m not a popular person, I simply do what works not what’s right. Morals don’t play a part in getting what I want in life. I do whatever I like at everyone’s expense and I shoot down anybody who gets in my way. I think of me and that’s it.

I’m back home after my doctor’s appointment. I got my mental health care plan sorted. I’ll be seeing a psychologist soon. I told the doc about my possibility of eventually needing a psychiatrist but am hopeful it won’t come to that. I told him about what I think of suicide and drinking. I don’t drink much and I don’t feel suicidal on a daily basis. I worry all the time and feel restless sometimes, but overall I’m ok. I really hate my family, I hope I never speak to most of them ever again. As for suicide, my life would have to be shit for me to want to kill myself. I don’t want to get to the point where I have to take psych meds for the rest of my life. I’d take meds short term but that’s it. I don’t need psychiatric medicine at the moment so let’s keep it that way. If I ever do get truly suicidal though, I’ll just go quietly. Obviously I’ll get a psychiatrist if I get really crappy all the time, but if I get to the point where I’ve bloody had enough, that’ll be it, I’ll be taking the great leap into the great beyond. But I’m not near this stage by a long shot so all fine for now. I need to talk to a psychologist and I’m hoping a few visits will help me out for the long hall. A psychologist won’t fix my family or make me interact with my family but they will get me a bit more peaceful about myself. I really hate some of the neighbours too. I wish they’d die. But I’m not going out of my way to get people. I just wish harm on people who I really dislike. Most people don’t get the death wishes from me. With most people, I just think, well stuff them and I just move on. If I make friends, all well and good. If not, I wish people well, and if I don’t like some people much, I just think, well whatever – I won’t speak to that person again. As for a couple of my fuckface neighbour, frigging go to hell! I just want to scream at these dickheads and tell them what for. Then I worry about the false rumours they may spread about me to try to get me into trouble for nothing. I really wish they’d bloody disappear. I’d like to be going on some of these Vision Australia outings, but V is one of the people who I truly wish would freaking burn up so I can have some peace on these outings. I will eventually go on a Friday outing, but I don’t know how I’ll react if V starts fucking carrying on! I really hate her, and I believe I’m entitled to act however I like towards her. If my GP thinks I’m licensed to take haplf a Diazepam for such specific symptoms, I still won’t take it anyway. I don’t want to get adicted to it and withdrawal symptoms. Maybe he’s ok with me tking half or 1 Valium tablets on specific occasions, but seriously, I want to exhaust all other options first, or it has to be a fucking big emergency. For example, maybe I fall over and knock a tooth out and start throwing up. Ok, I’d swallow a Valium at that point. But if I just fall over and throw up a little but I can swallow properly so I don’t vomit everywhere and I’m just a little queasy, I wouldn’t take the Valium. But say a person raped or attempted to rape, or bash me, or severely harrass me, I’d take two Valiums and get a psych eval, and all going to plan, I’d leave hospital after a week and see a therapist/psychiatrist for a couple of years maybe. But as much as my GP is probably right about me taking Valium once in a fit on my worst anxious and stressful day, I just refuse to do it. I personally see no problem with taking prescription drugs, I just don’t feel comfortable with taking drugs when I can deal with mental problems without drugs usually, most of the time. I’d have to be seriously crook both physically and mentally to take Diazepam, like someone hitting me very hard causing great fear and shock. A little bit of fear because a couple of neighbours living in the same complex, doesn’t warrant medicine, unless of course the GP decides I need it lol! But seriously, I won’t just take Valium, just because I’m a bit frightened or feel I’m being harrassed or I’m a tad nauseous/nervous, or very anxious but I’ll be ok in a couple of hours. I can’t say my doctor is wrong. I think he’s fantastic! But I really need to be in some sort of dangerous situation that would cause me to become aggressive or terribly traumatised to take Diazepam. I should have taken some that day in 2014 when my grandmother had a stroke. But I didn’t have Valium back then, and I’d probably get permission off the doc before taking it, or I’d make an emergency apt for the next day and explain the situation. I just don’t want to rely on Valium just because it’s there and maybe Ö should see if I feel better after taking it, when writing usually helps, walking usually helps, etc. But if I exhaust my options and I’m still anxious/sick in some way, then yes, I’d take it and gofrom there. I don’t think it’s right to just live with untreated illness or suffering, but I don’t just want to drug myself up either, just because it’s better or whatever the case. Anyway, we’ll see what comes of my life when the psychologist gets involved. I’m kinda freaking out but I still think I’ll be fine! I just hope I won’t end up on psych meds.

Autumn

February 25, 2019

Well, the weather is changing. And with autumn comes a lot of positive changes in my own life. I had my podiatrist appointment this morning. My feet are really good! My toenails got cut really well, and my feet feel comfortable. The lady who fixed my feet is so wonderful. I’m going to this clinic every eight weeks because my toenails grow quickly and my feet get rough with constantly walking around. I’ll definitely have to get my NDIS plan fixed so I can get podiatry covered. I’ll only need one visit a year in my NDIS funding, so I’ll just tell the NDIA people that I need to have all these different activities organised and a few good service providers organised properly too. Medicare only covers five free visits and that’s it, you have to pay yourself. I think it’s ridiculous. The dentist and psychologist and all those proffessions are all the same under medicare I think. If I had a million dollars I wouldn’t even use Medicare. But oh well, this is life. I’ve got a podiatry program started so it’s fine. I’ll be ringing Vision Australia tomorrow and sorting a few things out so by the time July comes around, my life should be in order.

I went for a drive around yesterday, to hear about some units up for rent. There’s no definitive details about where I will move to yet, because I still may not even move out. I’m just creating a back-up plan in case some of the ferals who live here try their luck with me. The complex is fine, it’s just full of scums with a few good people in the mix because we’ve all gotta live somewhere. So now that I’ve got a back up plan in place, I shall just live my normal life and rat the pieces of shit neighbours in to Management so the rest of us can live in piece. I hope that V, J’s girlfriend, gets evicted soon. Another person who lives next door to me should leave as well. I can’t wait to find a psychologist tomorrow. I can confide in my friends I know, but sometimes I need more than friendship counselling to help me deal with other people’s shit. So I’ll be flipping through the Google listings tomorrow. On Thursday I’m going to the doctors and I’m getting that fucking referral. After I finish writing this blog I’m going to finish Volume 2 of ‘Marley And Me’. A friend borrowed the book last week so I have to read as much of it as I can before tomorrow night so she can post it off on Thursday. Then I’ve got another Braille book to finish reading. I’ll post that off next week. I have to do a quick bit of shopping tomorrow too. Just some milk and some toothpaste. I have a lot of food in the freezer so I won’t have to cook this week. I hope I won’t have to cook next week either. I have to start saving money now, considering I feel a lot healthier than I did five weeks ago, and whatever chest bug I got last week is finally gone. I have a mild cough and sniffling now and that’s all, so I’m happy to be doing well overall. I’m eating consistently now. Not to say that every meal is a giant plate of food. I just eat here and there, but I don’t allow myself to go hungry either, by simply not eating for more than a day, being that I like to be really slack and sleep in for ages sometimes. And I can keep consistently hydrated too. So I’m going in a plus instead of a minus, direction! Yea! So by the time I’ve sent in the Seeing Eye Dogs forms, I should be well on my way to setting up my VA programs properly, and I won’t have sickness and bad days getting in my way all the time. One bad day, maybe even two bad days, once in a blue moon, is fine! But not every bloody two, three, or four frigging weeks of each fonth, for God’s sake!!!!!! I don’t have a problem with not feeling hungry either. I do have a problem with always not feeling hungry. So with that said, let’s hope I keep doing the uphill progress so I can look forward to some happiness for a change. It’s not much to ask for.

I’m back inside in my lounge room after closing the doors and windows and keeping the kitchen window open a crack. It’s getting cold outside. I’m so glad the cold weather is coming in because I don’t sweat any more when the house is shut up. And for the first since God knows how far back that I can remember, I can finally enjoy myself for once, I don’t have any major complaints besides needing to lose some weight which isn’t too much of a difficulty. Besides that, I have normal complaints now, not bloody crappy health issues and unexplained sadness and this… and that… And the other!!!!!!! My teeth are a lot better than they were. I think I may lose some more teeth soon but according to the dentist, I won’t. They want to pull a lot of money off Medicare to try to fix all of my teeth because I’m not allowed to get dentures because of the shape of my mouth. The only way Medicare can spend thousands of dollars like that is if I’m written up as injured or sick. Yeah, a bad mouth is categorised as injury or illness, depending on the situation. But anyway, my teeth are getting fixed and that’s what matters. I’m getting my gynecological bullshit out of the road too, hopefully it’ll the first and last time I ever get a checkup. I don’t go to a gynecologist unless I need one, it’s not a yearly thing. My GP may think differently about that, but I don’t really care. If I’m comfortable, there isn’t much to say for it. I think this whole drama is anticlimactic, really. I just can’t believe it. I just want to move on with my life now and look forward to bigger and better things.

My final decision. When will I make it?

February 10, 2019

I’m privatising this blog. I know if I allow anyone to read this, even if it’s password-protected, this post will be passed onto the police, and I’ll be carted off to the psychiatric unit. So I won’t allow this blog to be viewable to anyone. At all.

My next-door neighbour has turned nasty and is drinking heavily, causing trouble on and off, the same way she did in her other place. I have a sneaking suspicion that she was evicted from Link Vision nine years ago, but she says she moved out and wish she hadn’t, but then she still wanted to live in her other unit. Anyway, Ria moved from her unit into the one next to me, three weeks ago. We got on well until a few days ago. I decided to drop our friendship two days ago.

Tomorrow I’ll be telling my doctor what’s going on around here. I now have to live with the fact that I have a next-door neighbour who wants me harmed or dead, can’t decide which because she doesn’t even know herself, she just wants to hurt me. And she may end up killing herself, which is why I’m trying to get Ria evicted before she goes through with it. I know for a fact that I can’t sit outside if she’s out on the balcony. I don’t want her physically and verbally abusing/assaulting me. She’s obviously suffering a lot, but she shows me how horrible she is as a person by the way she behaves towards me and other people. I at least know I have a few reliable friendships, and a good GP who knows how to care for people. He doesn’t fiddle-fart around, he’s a hard worker and doesn’t mince his words or play dumb. I don’t usually feel suicidal, and since growimg out of teenagehood, I’ve never self-harmed on a regular basis. The one-off punch at a wall and a quick head butt, is all I do, and not even once a week. But I don’t usually feel like I need to die, except when physical ailments that I can’t understand, take over. Bad periods every month. The occasional illness that may need medical attention to fix but I can’t cope with this because I rarely get sick. Other than that, I do get anxious a lot and sometimes depressed and angry, and I once in a while get into bad moods, but not super often.

But over the past couple of days, I’ve wondered what staying alive would mean for the rest of the world. Do I benefit people by staying alive? I do think of suicide, but I have an ever-nagging feeling at the back of my mind, that I do feel that I’d be better off dead. I feel that I may eventually commit suicide, I just don’t know when or how I’ll do it. I don’t feel definitely suicidal today. I just feel that I eventually want to die by suicide. The times I’ve felt acutely suicidal are when I know I don’t want to end my life – a life that I don’t want to miss out on because of all the good things I’d not achieve for myself if I did kill myself. I felt acutely suicidal because of wanting to escape from pain, pain that I don’t want to live with for another twenty years just because of menstruation each month. Pain that once gone after my period is over, I never want to have come back at me. Hopefully the contraception pill will reduce all that pain and hopefully I won’t need any other medical procedures to fix it, and life can move on and I can just mind my own business, chitchat, go out, eventually get a job, or whatever the case for a typical life and a typical lifestyle.

But somehow, suicide as a definite choice, not just the thoughts about it, is slowly creeping in. I’m used to suicidal thoughts, where I’m just thinking curiously about it but not willing to actually do it. I strangely still don’t want to self-harm or even drink heavily, although a couple of drinks would do me good right now. I just don’t want to drink heavily and definitely not every day. But that sensation that I truly want to kill myself is slowly coming on. It’s not that acute feeling of wanting to die which I’m used to, and the doctor knows about this. This is a different sensation, where I know in myself that as much as I love my life in a lot of ways, I still have it in me to take my life.

I don’t actually want to commit suicide because of the things I’m getting set up for myself. A seeing eye dog, a good individual support and independent living program, etc. I love life as far as all of these things are concerned with me. The reasons for wanting to commit suicide aren’t related to my daily living situation. I actually want to die by suicide because I can’t bear the thought of my next-door neighbour hurting or killing herself and causing difficulty for other people. Yet if she’s evicted, then this shit would be ticked off my list and I’d recover myself in my own time and I’d just move on with my own life. My other reason for wanting to kill myself is because I feel I’m of no benefit to society. Everyone can tell me that I am, because they aren’t living my ljfe and these people don’t live with me. So my reason for wanting to be dead is beyond psychiatric help because I’ve made up my mind because I know I want to kill myself when I get to a point where life isn’t worth living anymore. If and when I do attempt suicide, I hope there isn’t any rescuer around to save me, and I hope my suicide attempt is successful. If one attempt fails, I’ll just keep attempting suicide until I do die. I figure it’s my life, it’s not anyone’s business how I choose to take my life. This is why no matter how many times I see a therapist or what medical interventions are put in place, I will still get away with suiciding. I don’t want to commit suicide because I need help and attention. I intend to commit suicide because I actually want to end my life. If I just wanted help and attention, I’d do something non-fatal or simply let people know what help I think I need. For now, I want help, maybe I need help. But when I decide I’ve had enough of life and want to be dead, I’ll stop accepting help, and deliberately die at my own hands. At this time I’m not ready to die. I may kill myself at any time, but it won’t be next year or even the year after that. Hopefully nothing will happen to push me over the edge sooner. I just don’t want to die of old age, so I’ll kill myself before I become incapacitated, and will enjoy life as much as I can until then, or until some other traumatic event gives me a reason to kill myself earlier.

I don’t know what I’ll do if my next-door neighbour attempts suicide. I hope I’m not at home if she does try it. I hope I’m at the shopping centre or something like that. If I am at home when she does try to kill herself, I hope I’m sleeping, or very engrossed in a TV show, or very preoccupied in some way. I know I hate my neighbour a lot, but I still don’t want her to hurt herself seriously, or commit suicide. I’d rather hear the medics collecting her, or the police chatting with her, than hear that she is dead or severely injured. What I really hope for is for her to be kicked out soon. I’ll be partying when Ria gets moved away. Hopefully when Ria is committed to the psych ward, the complex management will notify her family, pack her things and lock her unit so she’s forcibly removed from this complex. I’d be much more comfortable with this scenario. Thaj way I won’t panic and hurt myself. Luckily I’m not suicidal at this moment. But when the time comes, I’ll be going through with it, and no therapy or treatment of any kind will change my mind. This is my life, nobody has anything to do with how I choose to live, or how I choose to end my life. My life isn’t about my friends and family or anyone else, it is about me. How people feel about my life decisions and eventual suicide is their problem to deal with. I think everyone is selfish and putting me through pain and suffering to keep me alive. Why should I care about other people’s feelings if they don’t care about my feelings? Why should it be ok for other people to make me suffer so they can be happy that I’m alive, yet I’m not allowed to make other people suffer by killing myself? So basically, it’s ok for me to suffer alive, but I’m not allowed to be dead and pain-free? Not that I’m suffering from physical discomfort at the moment. I just can’t work out why others are allowed to feel any way they wish about me dying by suicide, yet I’m apparently wrong for feeling uncomfortable or unhappy or sad or whatever, because I may not want to live anymore in order to entertain everyone else’s happiness. How can I be selfish for killing myself when everyone can be as selfish as they want by keeping me alive? I think society is weird. Like I said, I’c not ready to die. but when I’ve had enough of life, I’m gonna die at the first opportunity I get.

I have a whole list of suicide methods to ensure I won’t fail when the time comes. I’ll try starvation and dehydration first. Failing that, I’ll poison and hang myself. Jumping is too risky for failure because if I don’t land properly, I will be physically disabled for the rest of my life. I’ll definitely refuse food and water then, until I finally die. But rather than risk permanent physical disability, I’ll poison myself, put a deep gash in my wrists and down my thigh, and hang myself. It will be very hard to be rescued from all of that. I don’t care how long it takes me to die, so long as my suicide attempt is successful, that’s all that matters. I don’t want to back out of committing suicide just because I won’t die fast enough. I’ll just make sure I can’t be saved when I go through with the attempt. I don’t feel like I’ve totally had it with life now, so I won’t try to kill myself today. I’ll only do it when I know I’ve come to the point where there’s nothing else worth living for, or in the case of physical suffering, I’ll go through with suicide when I can’t be relieved of discomfort and pain by conventional and alternative therapies. Most opoiate medications cause severe reactions and nausea for me, and I live on a pension, so hopefully I won’t get to a point of unbearable suffering. I’ll definitely kill myself rather than bear medical treatments which causes lifelong problems including prolonging the suffering rather than fixing or controlling my ailments properly. So while the peace lasts, I’ll keep enjoying life. And I’ll be glad when Ria is kicked out and banned from moving back into this complex. She is a danger to other residents and to herself.

Health care improvement and life changes

February 1, 2019

I had a late breakfast. I had a ham and mayo sandwich as well as a banana and an orange, and a large mug of coffee, and now a large mug of milk. It’s 32 degrees Celcius outside at this time. I’m so bloody hot! I’ve just turned the air-conditioner on. I was gonna walk to the shops but there’s no way I’ll walk in the midday heat. I’d seriously frigging collapse! I had a difficult enough time tolerating the hot weather yesterday, while I was doing my orientation lesson. I can’t wait till autumn starts. I have some oats in the pantry that a friend gave me yesterday as she doesn’t want them. A Coles mix-up is the polite version. In other words, shop at Woolworths. Their staff are bloody awesome and the food quality is great most of the time! Coles is fucked, though. I’ll never shop with them again. As for O and M, it’s going well. I rang Lifeline yesterday afternoon because of a few comments which really upset me during the orientation lesson. I figure if the travel route is safe for walking, I can learn to walk instead of just using public transport. I’m an exercise button. I don’t live a sedentary lifestyle. I don’t mind sitting to read, write, eat and rest. But for the rest of my day, I like to be doing something. I can’t just sit around. I guess I’ll have to start doing the pedestrian travel routes with other people and just learning from that. I’ve always had trouble with setting up longer pedestrian travel routes since I was a child because I’m a very active person and O and M instructors struggle to make time for all these active hikes and errands I love to do. I just get so fucking depressed when I sit around and am not active. I feel like shit after a while.

I set up Apple Pay today. I showed the bank staff what I did to set it up, and they were super nice! I got the staff person to check that the Wallet app works properly because I couldn’t verify my bank card. Apparently this bank teller had the same issue with her phone the other day too. So now I’ve got Apple Pay! And I’ve also got my money organise, all this crap about my money being kept secure and nobody else is using/stealing it, etc. Then I was off. I went to Wooleys and got bread and ham. Came home, cleaned up my kitchen and made a Whatsapp recording while preparing brunch. Now I’m just relaxing and enjoying my peaceful existence while it lasts. Hopefully after I change my treatment plan at the doctors tomorrow, I shouldn’t get really crook next month. If anything happens I’ll seriously fucking crack it. I’ve been dealing with cycle issues since I was fifteen years old and I’m not about to quietly suffer in silence until I’m friggen sixty years fucking old! Who wants to have their body cut open? But who wants to suffer forever as well? So there isn’t much choice in the matteh when I can’t get rid of my problems. As for doctors who don’t care, they should be given the axe or shot, one of the two. How can anyone practice medicine while holding little regard for other people who cry for their help? I feel sorry for the people who get a bad rep due to a number of other dickheads who don’t become doctors for the right reasons. It’s like any ailing body part really: if you want help you’ve got to change doctors a few times and have more than two doctors agree with your situation, goes for fuckin’ any profession these days. You’ve got to be the squeakiest wheel before any bastard listens to you. Oh well… Something is getting worked out for me so hopefully I should have a better life ahead. I’ve at least got a doctor who tries to help people and is polite and respectful and everything, so I’m a bit more hopeful. I hate getting sick all the time! And due to not being able to take anything stronger than anti-inflamatories because of stomach cramps, dizziness and severe nausea, one of these days I’ll take a whole sheet of anti-inflamatories at once to get rid of the period pain, if it continues. And if I get psychiatric treatment, I’ll take all the psychiatric medication too, to escape the period pain. I’ll do anything to escape from period pain. I’ve really seriously had enough of it. My overdosing issue isn’t because I’m upset and want attention, or hallucinations and being out of touch with reality, or anything like that. If I get angry and shitty, I’m more likely to do anything but overdose painkillers. I don’t just want to overdose on tablets just because I feel like it or some imaginary person compells me to. If I’m mad, I’m likely to smash a wall, or break something, or tell everyone to leave me alone and pig out on a meal or something like that. But when it comes to physical ailments, if I’m not getting better as quickly as I’d hoped or I’m deteriorating, well that’s a different story. I can deal with a small amount of short term pain and illness. It’s the chronic, persistent, and cyclical type crap that I can’t cope with.

I’m going to have a go at using my sandwich maker tonight. I’ll have to grate some cheese, either with the food processor, or cut it finely. I don’t know what I’ll do, but I don’t have much grated cheese left so I’ll see how I go with that. I have a block of cheese in the fridge which needs to be used up so I’ll start cutting it soon as well. I’ve been putting a lot of stuff into my Wooleys shopping list so I don’t have to keep searching for it later. That way I can add everything to the trolley. or just a few things instead. I’ll be going back to Wooleys on Friday to get a shopping order. I really love their shopping system. Independent shopping as a blindy is awesome! I have to be specific with my support coordinator about my shopping needs, because there’s certain things I need a support worker for, and certain things I don’t need a support worker for, and other things I always need a support worker for. I think writing my letter has really helped me. I also discussed some things with my support coordinator on Sunday and we’re on the same page about a lot of things. I had to let this person know that mouth wash is a waste of time for me, tried and failed. I don’t even like mouth wash anyway, so just flossing and brushing my teeth really well is fine for me. He’s concerned about my health deteriorating, which bothers me too. But I feel that I’ve been seen to early enough, and I’m starting a new treatment plan tomorrow, so if all goes without a hitch, I should be on my way to an enjoyable life, with and without my support workers around. At least some of my life is in order. I’ll just have to get used to a new support worker now and I’ll be right. I’ll be going to the doctors in the morning, can’t wait to get rid of this fucking useless bar from my arm. I don’t even know why these hormone rods were invented, they don’t even work. Or rather, they work for six months then stop working completely. And as for the three-monthly injection, all it does is make me painful and sick and skip periods rather than stop them. I never get a regular period either. I’ve told the doctor as well, and I also said that if I have a historectomy, I won’t be complaining. I’ll be too busy living the high life! So he’s agreeing to it so long as I stay on a treatment plan to stay comfortable until I have a surgerical procedure done. So long as the doctor respects my lifestyle choices, that’s all that matters. After the doctor fixes my arm, I’ll go to the shops for a while before coming home. I’ll rest for a while and go out shopping for three hours. I truly have no clue of what I’ll do when I actually get to the shopping centre tomorrow night. I know I need to buy some more Apple headphones and I also need to get some more short sleeve tops. Some of my tops are wearing out. I also have to get another winter jacket as well, when winter comes in I want to keep warm without always using a heater. I like to spend a lot of time outdoors so I won’t have to take as many vitamin supliments just for staying inside. Other than this, tomorrow night will be awesome.

It’s now nearly midday on Friday. I have to go to the shops soon. I had the implant removed yesterday. My arm only got a bit sore, enough for Panadol but I refused to take it because I didn’t think I needed to dull just some pain. The doctor did a good job of closing it up really well and he put a pressure bandage on. I’ll be taking it off tonight and in two days I’ll take the dressing off. I started on the pill last night. Unless the guinicologists eventually feel the need to intervene with my current treatment plan, I’ll be on the pill long-term. There is no guarantee that I’ll improve, but it’s highly likely that I’ll get better. There is a small chance I’ll need a historectomy at some point, but there’s no skin off my nose because I know my life is more important than living with a broken body. You get rid of the incurable, diseased body parts to preserve one’s life and you basically move on without whinging. I don’t live with problems if an operation can fix them. I’m not prepared to miss out on life all because some doctor thinks I’m ok to stay home and stay sick. I changed doctors a couple of weeks ago and I feel better for it. Reducing problems to minor inconveniences is the first step to a good and successful health journey, if you ask me. I’m keeping to my regular diet too. There are some things which I physically can’t eat, so I substitue things like spinach for other types of leafy vegies and red meat, and I substitute mushrooms for things like eggs, chicken, rice, and other grains and vegies with similar nutrients that mushrooms have. There’s a lot of dietary options for me because I’m not restricted to only certain foods. I love dairy products too, so I don’t need calcium supliments or magnesium supliments, most of the time. I get that in some sports drinks and tropical fruits anyway. And I don’t need laxatives or stool softeners or hardening stuff for the bowels either, because I eat so many diffent foods and I haven’t developed other health problems yet. The doctor does want to keep doing health checks so he can catch blood clots and cancer early before I get really sick. I truly couldn’t care less about that, we all live one life anyway. But the doctor doesn’t see it that way, so I just go along with him. And he wants me to do regular strenuous aerobic exercise of my own choosing, while my Triglyciride levels are low, to prevent heart disease and high blood pressure, and he wants both of these conditions to not become irreversible. He thinks that I’m in the window of opportunity to reverse and/or prevent some chronic diseases now, and the ones relating to my age in future. This is fucking crazy but I’m going along with it.

I’m hopefully going to the library tomorrow. I haven’t been there for ages now! I’m going to read for a couple of hours and browse the Internet for a while after that. I’ll then come home to make lunch as I won’t need to buy lunch out any more. I can just buy drinks and sometimes a sweet. I won’t be doing anything else. I may either sleep for the rest of the day, or socialise with the neighbours. I may end up cooking something to put in sandwiches on Sunday. Other than that, I’m not too busy this weekend. On Monday I’m going out to lunch, and I’m going to organise a podiatrist appointment for some time this month, wouldn’t have a clue about that one. I’ll be revisiting Seeing Eye Dogs soon but I don’t know what will come of this endeavour yet. I like dogs but they’re costly to look after. And sadly, NDIS doesn’t cover assistance dogs for VI and blind people. I think the NDIS system sucks. I’ll be letting the NDIA people know that if my funding isn’t increased, I’ll simply find another care provider who can provide the support I need in a way that won’t conflict with the other care provider. I’ll see how I go with this shit, but as much as I want to keep some services, I’m not liking my chances at this stage. And I don’t really want to go through court just to get what I want. I find it easier to change care providers, or add another one in. I agree with my friends, I just need to take action whenever I feel ready and comfortable. I’m nearly out of the NDIS transport money till I get another installment next week. If I get into any fights with people, I’ll be ringing the NDIS first thing on Monday and demanding to go back to the drawing board. I hate being pushed into uncomfortable situations. I don’t need to be reminded that I can’t see all the time. My sporting activities doesn’t need to be restricted just because I’m blind. If a care provider can’t accept a medical professional’s report, they’re out. And I can’t fucking stand being manipulated. Just don’t do it. I can pick it up from a mile away and I’m just gonna say, cut out the shit and lets’s have at an honest discussion. And yes, I will do what I please with my life. It’s not anyone’s business how I choose to live. I won’t be told what I can and cannot do.

Protected: A few things to discuss

January 23, 2019

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Waiting game

January 10, 2019

Well here we go again with the phone tag and running around. Yesterday I rang Guide Dogs and the doctors, and also the NDIA office. I’m getting nowhere with the NDIS. I also hate the neighbours which doesn’t help. Ok, so I’m still waiting for the NDIA people to ring me back so I can ask them about setting up my support coordinator person properly. And I hope to God I have my Guide Dogs documents by Monday because I’m going to the doctors on Wednesday morning. And I have to get a new care plan just to see a podiatrist??? Just to get help to cut my toenails properly!!!!!??? Oh well… But to add insult to injury, one of the fucking neighbours keeps manipulating me.

I can’t sit out on my back balcony any more. The stupid lady (admittedly she has intellectual disabilities and she’s partially deaf and totally blind), keeps making excuses to join me for company. We have exactly the same conversations, over and over and over again. And in one breath she pressured me into cooking a meal, wanting to know when it was ready. Then she didn’t want any of it, so only served myself. Only to realise I’d cooked it wrong (the crumbed stuffed chicken needed a little more cooking and it would have been fine), and the white sauce was a disaster of flour and milk because I’d stuffed it. And the neighbour laughed at me and insists that I should keep practising making this chicken meal until I get it right. Not on your mother’s grave, bitch! And she wants me to buy her Coke 0, and she wants pizza too. I may have to tell her parents on her. I’ll complain to the landlord too. Or I can be like everyone else and ignore her entirely and just not go outside. I’m a nasty soul, but people around here will take a mile if you give them an inch. I think I’ll just do a bolt and stay vanished because I really can’t stand the people who live in this complex. I just don’t care about anyone around here. The only reason neighbours can get anything from me is because They can. Everyone has family and support people. I’m not anyone’s support worker. I hate uninvited company anyway. I know I fuck up when I cook, but my greedy neighbours are at fault for intentionally causing me to make mistakes for their own entertainment. I think I’ll just stay in hiding from everyone. It’s better to keep to myself. As for the good news: Next Thursday morning a GDMI will be coming out to me to do an assessment! There’s a chance I may fail the elligibility criteria. If I do, I’ll put off getting a guide dog. If I pass the assessment, I’m going to celebrate! Thanks to Woolworths I’ll be able to budget for the dog! And now I’m told the appointment date is the 29th of January. No assessment at this stage. By then I may end up changing my mind. I know I want a guide dog, but the longer I put off the assessment because of O and M, the less I want to accept a new guide dog. I think dogs are a big responsibility.

A good day to celebrate

January 3, 2019

I’m drinking alcohol today. Brandy and Coke of all things! I’m suffering from a bad cold so I figure alcohol will help me a lot as far as I’m concerned. I’m also celebrating my success at getting more control of my NDIS schedule with an extra support person. I’m also happy to announce that I’ll be starting at Sky Zone in a couple of weeks. Eventually I’ll shoot myself if I don’t get my way with my doctors, but I need to give the doctors at least twelve months to decide how helpful they will or won’t be, before I give up on life and rot away at home. For now I’ll live the high life and drink up whenever I can.

Next Monday I’m going to the RSL for dinner, and on Thursday night I’m going out late night shopping. The week after that, I’m ringing the doctors to get a referal to a podiatrist. Apparently this podiatrist is really popular, especially with the VI/disabled community! Cool! Another bullshit thing ticked off my to-do list. If my GP doesn’t respect my wishes, I’ll get a new doctor. Hopefully I shouldn’t be cracking the shits by then because I hate changing doctors except if I really have to. I also hate people manipulating me so I’m nipping some attitudes in the bud before I really get cracking the sads. I’ll make sure some people regret knowing me if any difficulties arise. I won’t be told how to live my life, not under any fucking circumstances!!!!!! So we’ll see how this year goeso for me. If anyone thinks I’m full of shit, imagine what the same people will think after I lawyer up! Good! There’s no skin off my nose if I get disliked. I don’t like everyone either. If my opinions offend other people, too bad! I’ll think and feel however I like and I’ll say what I like too. Suck eggs. I find people are easily offended these days. I hate socialising with other people because I find that most people aren’t very nice or friendly, too sensitive, stuck-up, know-all bitches etc. Oh well, ping off then! I’m happy to sit around at home in front of the tele with a drink in my hand. I have a good unit and provided my pharmacy staff who look after me well, don’t hound me to present as a sick patient at the hospital, I can swallow period pain medications with coffee all day and turn my music up really really loud. I don’t need friends really. Most people are just shallow and fake and don’t really care about anybody. Out of everyone I’ve ever met here, there’s only five or six people who really genuinely think of me. So yeah, frig everyone else. Good old brandy is all I’ll say. I’ll make sure I get a couple of bottles of alcohol when I get my pension in a couple of weeks. I’m putting all my health advice in the bin too. Good health fixes nothing. I’d rather die happy than live for a miserable long time. As the saying goes: I’m here for a fun time, not a long time. Quality over quantity. Good luca to the folks who try to live into their hundreds, not for me thanks. Nope, I’ll be happy to keel over any old time, you all go right ahead and live for a long time. I’m just interested in a good time and I don’t live a restricted lifestyle either. If people want to get offended at me for being the way I am, then goodbye, there’s lots of other people who can be more compatible with the people I know. I’m not here to live for other people, anyway. I’m a me-pleaser. Me me me. I can’t wait to get my teeth sorted a bit more though, God they need a good scrub! The guts need a scan too, whatever makes me feel a bit gassy/windy is bugging me on and off. Like far out! Hopefully it’s just flatchalence, but if it’s more serious I want good riddance to it. I don’t keep serious problems unless the issues are totally incurable, such as blindness, Diabetes and the like. Even then, if I ever get diagnosed with Diabetes, I’m declining treatment. Quality of life is more important than health care, at least for me. I’d never mix medicines with alcohol though, that’s just toxic. But I do intend to decline medical attention for incurable illnesses. I live in the real world too, living in the clouds doesn’t fix life at all. I don’t pretend that unicorns with rainbow cloud poos exist. I just live in reality and if anyone gets upset and dramatic, I just ignore them. If my opinions won’t be nor will I respect the opinions of others. Respect is earned, not given freely.

Uncertainty…

December 29, 2018

I’m sitting outside for some fresh air. I spent the day with J and V because for some reason, they can’t live without me. We went to a shopping centre for lunch, then tonight we went to buy a beautiful chicken meal. I had half a hot chicken with roasted vegies and as of now I’m still very full! I had a large soup mug of orange juice; I had a few large mugs of drink today. I had a pie and coffee for lunch, a big serving of cherries for breakfat with a big mug of coffee. So today was quite good for me, except when I went to Coles and got mistreated by Coles staff. They’re complete bitches in there and the atmosphere wasn’t very happy. But away from Coles, everyone was a lot happier. Not many people go to that Coles store now. Now here’s where my good news ends… And after I rave on, I’ll talk about some of my enjoyable new endeavours for 2019.

So My period pains have gone away for the most part. I sometimes feel a dull feeling in the lower stomach though. I let off a lot of gas too, so I’m insisting on a checkup when I get called into the guinicology clinic. It could be anything, but I want to find out exactly what’s fucking going on. All this freaking suspense and leaving myself in the dark is really getting on my nerves now. All I want is a comfortable life and no crappy medication that doesn’t even work, and no more painkillers. I don’t want to perpetually treat problems that can be cured properly. I’ll be forcing my hand on a few things next year. When I find out what direction I will take, I’ll let you know. I know as a matter of fact that I’ll be taking legal action but hopefully I won’t be pushed aside by doctors and I won’t have to sack/sue anyone. Other than that, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I may even decide to withdraw from any medical treatment plan and piss everyone off myself, no questions asked. But we’ll see and I hope something good comes of all this.

I’m hoping to get my new phone in a couple of months. I’ve got Woolworths online worked out so I’m getting a few New Year’s Day treats on Monday, and after that I won’t buy anything for weeks. I have plenty of food in the freezer, I don’t really need anything from the shops for bloody ever now. I think J and V are very possessive of my life in different ways; I told V tonight that sometimes I won’t be around next year so I told her not to go around making up shit about me. Hopefully something will be set up for them so they can both get their psychiatric issues sorted out. I’ll be going to and from Guide Dogs, I’ll be going to and from doctors and hospital appointments. Hopefully I can go contraception-free and pain-free soon. Contraception isn’t making any difference for me any more so I’m going to refuse it and threaten to neglect medical care if these doctors don’t help me properly. It’s how it goes. Taking medicine doesn’t cure most problems. I don’t want help to deal with problems that can be fixed/cured. Oh well, hopefully I can also get myself onto the waiting list for a new guide dog. I’m also trying to get new support workers who can help me without manipulating my life to suit them. People need to take control of themselves and let everyone else mind their own business. I’ll be making sure Guide Dogs takes over as much as possible. I need a lot more O and M training andI really need to keep away from these units as much as I can. I’m told that if I’m demanding enough, the doctors will supposedly help me. Hopefully my health is sorted. I’ll eventually quit eating and drinking if I get frustrated and angry enough. And there’s nothing anybody can do about it. I’m getting Guide Dogs involved in a lot of dramas because I don’t put band-aids on things. I like to be as enjoyable with life as possible. I’m built for comfort, not fucking religious bullshit. I live in the real world and if disability workers won’t accept this, they’re in the wrong job. I’ll be getting my eye implant fixed too. If anybody tries to manipulate my decisions about my eyes, I’m sacaing them. And if I get a lot of flack, I’m ringing up some other companies to get them to take over. I’ve got my own defensive skills and I’m not about to let people tell me how to live. Come at me and see if I don’t tell you all to smoke your pipe. I run my life, thank you.

Merry Christmas!

December 25, 2018

Today is lazy for me. J and V have gone with V’s family for a few hours to celebrate Christmas. I have my TV turned up as loud as it can go. I’m not a hundred percent well today, my menstrual problems are back how I used to be. The birth control (Implannon) has failed. I will decline any other hormonal birth control as it doesn’t work properly and doesn’t fix pain. I still feel sick around my menstrual problems, and if I have no birth control treatment, I feel sick all the time, not just on ny period. So I know my GP doesn’t care, I’m letting my other doctors know about that. Brisbane has a horrible medical system, most docs are corrupt here. They support the Government so people aren’t cared for unless the paramedics come. That’s when doctors wake up. Well this isn’t right. I’d rather just stay home and be miserable if this is how medical people want to be. I’ve started on Paracetamol today and I’m going to live on it; I have no plans to come off it. I hope I’m not forced into hospital, I won’t be touching food or water once I’m admitted. I want to start on Rinitadine and nurofen too, but I know I’ll end up in hospital really fast because of long-term side effects, so I’ll stick to Panadol for now. I want to cut my implant out of my arm too, but my GP won’t let me. She knows I’m not bothered by DIY medical procedures. I don’t need a doctor to cut things out, it’s more that I’d bleed too much because I’m not trained to do things properly, so the doctor should do it. But I’d do it myself if given the chance. I know my GP doesn’t agree with me living on Panadol, but she knows I’m not bugerising with her, so she just allows it because she knows I’ll end up in hospital soon anyway. If I decide that I won’t get a good deal when I get admitted, I’m quitting oral intake of food and water. I want a pleasant life, I have no intentions of going on in a miserable state. I plan to offend as many people as possible while getting my happy release which I think I deserve. Maybe the doctor will find me a good treatment deal. But with the way I’m going with my health, I’m not sure about that. My GP would rather keep me in misery on treatments that aren’t effective than do an operation that will correct everything. I know she wants to make me sick in order to make money. Why else would she want me to live with ineffective medications and side effects and worse issues? If she cared about her patients, I wouldn’t be sick right now.

I have no future to look forward to. So now I’m going to reminisce on all the good times in the past. I won’t keep living for long, so I don’t have anything in life to look forward to. I remember when I had my guide dog Troy. He was a wonderful dog. I did live a good life despite my horrible family relationships. I hope to be gone by next Christmas. I’ve lived well. I’m retired now, I can just rot away any time I like now. I’m happy with my decision to give up on life. My doctors don’t care about me so I feel I’m entitled to give up and die. I know medical people will just say everybody dies, they aren’t interested in prolonging life. They have to say things to sound professional, but at the end of the day it’s just another job and they know it. I’m just another job for my doctors, a reason for somebody to get paid. I know I have a poor quality of life and I know not many people care because society doesn’t want disabled people or women with problems. Society is all about being a man, a fertile woman, and a perfect person. I’m neither of these, so I won’t be missed. Besides the fact that I’m not interested in living a miserable life, too. I want comfort, and there’s nobody who cares enough to respect my wishes. So I’m just going to use continuous Panadol as euthanasia, where death takes a long time, yet I won’t have a long life. Yet I hope to die peacefully and comfortably. I know my pharmacist doesn’t agree with this approach, so I’ll die even faster because once sent to hospital for not coming off Panadol, I’m simply going to refuse food and water and lie very still. I’ll be like my grandmother who died of cancer, and the way she died in the end was by giving up so nobody could help her. She could have fought on a bit more, but she chose to give up rather than live miserably. I intend to eventually do the same. My grandmother was a lovely lady. She just couldn’t stand to struggle any more, so one day she just withdrew into herself and died. How upsetting, but at the same time she went peacefully. I can only hope my doctors decide they want me to live. At the moment I haven’t got an answer for living a comfortable existence, and I feel the doctors aren’t interested. But maybe someone will listen and give me the comfort I’m looking for, and I may agree to live a long and happy life.

Good chitchat

December 21, 2018

I talked for over an hour with my support worker who does cleaning today. She knows I like to talk, so next time she shows up she’s going to clean for an hour and we’ll have coffee for an hour. She knows I love to get things off my chest, and she knows I need to work out which problems are genuine in need of fixing, and which problems are just mental hindrances. I felt pretty good for chatting, it doesn’t change reality but if we can figure out how to make my situation better, I’m happy with that. I think it’s a good thing I see my doctor every twelve weeks now. We decided last week that wasting a bit of attention and time at the doctors is better than me crying at paramedics and getting gassed out for a night, eventually. Better to be happy and well after taking a few tablets than take a whiff of anesthetic/few strong shots for two days!!!!!! Life must be good if I can cook a meal tonight, even though I made a fucking mistake and I hope I won’t chuck my food in the bin. Maybe a bit of apricot flavour in my minced chicken will be ok, for a change. I’m making it with mashed potatoes. Yum yum yum! It’s raining as well, another good part of my reality.

I had a quick word with my support coordinator tonight. He’s worried about me and my other support worker quarrelling, and I’m concerned that I’m not getting enough physical exercise, and I’m frightened about a few things that I really need to be distracted from so I don’t feel so down. The support coordinator wants to keep my brain preoccupied with heaps of nicer things so that way when I spend time with my other support worker, we won’t quarrel all the time. We quarrelled at the doctors the other day, I’m sure I gave the doc red flags. Good!!!!!! I want attention and sympathy anyway. Why the fuck wouldn’t I want it considering I’m scared shitless about my eye implant and some other things. And my toe is finally better after five weeks of hurting on and off. OMG I feel heaps better for it. I can live with pain for quite a while before I start to complain. Eventually I get pissed off and I need to fix it, even threatening to yank the toenail away in front of the doctors. It already was sore anyway, what difference would it have made to hurt it more except that I wanted my toe to get better somehow? So anything would have been ok, so long as I could get rid of my annoying bloody irritation. I hate quarrelling with people, but when I’m crook in some fashion, eventually I feel worthless like my life is getting nowhere and I need something to do to preoccupy myself, as constantly dragging myself down just isn’t fixing my problems. Even when I talk to a psychologist, I still need to physically do something about my issues, and when I don’t know what to do, I just want to die because there’s no other way out of the predicament. I know I’m at the stage where I just want to rot away at home, and my support coordinator is aware of this because he won’t let me say anything about festering at home. He knows I’m concerned about J and his behaviour. He’s retarded and he needs a lot more help than a big discussion will do. Only a good meal and a good yarn will help me with issues! As much as I hate reality, I certainly won’t get better pretending to travel to other worlds and talking about unicorns. Maybe a pretend world is fine, but for me it’s entertainment and enjoyment, not denial of reality and its shitty frigging system. I’m just so glad I’ve got the concept of cooking now! I just need to get really fast when I cook a meal, and in no time I’ll be a pro. Stacey won’t know herself when she comes over next time. I think I’ll be making sweet and sour chicken, where you cut chicken breasts into four bits, then roll those in plain flour. Next you put olive oil into a big frying pan/electrical skillet. Same thing really. Toss the pieces around for about 15 minutes. Next add a few vegies, salt, pepper, spices, herbs etc. Then add a sweet and sour sauce, or add a third of a cup of vinegar to a tin of pineapple in juice, and fry for another 15 minutes. Of course you do this on a moderate heat to ensure the chicken pieces are thoroughly cooked through. Next you turn the heat down a little, to simmering point, then put the lid on your pan, if it comes with one. You leave it for about ten minutes, to soak in all the flavour and the juices. Meanwhile you mash some vegies if you’ve boiled/steamed them alongside your chicken dish. Then you serve it with vegie mash or rice. Yum yummmmm!!!!!! I must buy some chicken in a couple of weeks. Now that I know how to cook chicken properly, I love to cook chicken dishes. Now my unit smells like a fancy restaurant, and the good news is that I don’t have to go out to buy cooked meals! I love home-made food.

A lovely night, and some sickening news

December 20, 2018

Here we go: I’ll start with the good news first. I had a really good night with my support worker. I went to a big shopping centre and bought a few things. I got clothes which I’ll wash in the morning; I got three coffee mugs and my support worker wrapped them when we got home. I bought two pairs of togs so I can go swimming finally! And I got my toenails cut at a pedicure place. I got Hungry Jacks on my way home, and me and my support worker joked around a lot.

I want my life to be bright and happy. Most people in this world want this for me. But sadly, I’m very terrified to nausea right now. I’m so scared. My support worker said my right eye keeps leaking clear fluid. I got so upset. The support worker suggested I talk to a therapist; she doesn’t have any concern that I’m already going to speak to a psychologist from Guide Dogs. I also told her that a therapist isn’t going to change my reality and I don’t cope better, I should know because I’ve had psychological therapy in the past and I haven’t changed or coped with life any better. I also find she doesn’t accept my opinions about life, and she’s manipulating/coercing me into accepting changes in my life that I don’t want and I’m not comfortable with. She’s upset because my life is all about her thinking I need to be happy and loved, whereas I just want to be comfortable and not suffering from eye issues and other problems that I’ve suffered from in the past. My support worker won’t accept that I can only be happy if my life is going well. Generally, it is good. But hearing about bad things in my life really hurts me so much and I’m still expected to be happy. She is influenced by some religious people but that’s how she is. She’s upset that I don’t cope with life the way she does. Well I’m sorry but none of us are the same and I won’t be like her. I feel controlled, I feel manipulated, I feel so angry, offended, upset, worried, everything really. I guess you could say I’m ungrateful and a loser and all sorts. Ok, well… Maybe it’s true and you can think whatever you like about me. But the fact is, reality hasn’t changed and I’m happy about things in my life, but I’m not happy with life, generally speaking. A bottle of medication won’t change the fact. Yes it can dull my senses, but reality won’t change. And I’m not about to bandage my problems. I feel that my support worker doesn’t understand that I cope the way I do because I’m me, not anybody else. My support worker can’t accept that everyone can’t be happy or live with medical issues. Not all of us have it in us to deal with different things. As much as I really like my support worker, there’s a lot of things I won’t agree with her about. And she just doesn’t understand some things. Other than that, I’d like to say I’m all right. She thinks psychiatric people can fix problems, but they can’t. Therapy is meant to help with coping, but it fails with me. There’s a lot of things my support worker can’t accept about me. I’m frightened right now about my health. I’m very concerned that something isn’t right with me. Yes I’m sure my support worker wants to help me, but I also know that real life is very upsetting. I’m offended that my eye implant will have to be taken out and I’ll have an ugly face because my eye will be stitched shut. I feel so horrible about that. I won’t say I’m angry with my support worker because none of us knows everything. I am a little angry that she can expect me to live with problems on top of blindness; good luck to people who can. Tell me I’m selfish and bullshit, I don’t really care. I’m just telling the truth and you don’t have to like it. I don’t get anywhere with discussions with people because they’re so concerned about what they want for me instead of what I want. As much as my doctor and I disagree about a couple of things, for the most part she’s the most supportive person I know; I feel she’s the only person who respects my feelings and the way I choose to live. Maybe she doesn’t agree, but she does allow me te do what I want so long as I keep checking in with her.

I need to have a really big discussion with GDQ next year. As much as I want another guide dog, I need to talk about the possibility of not receiving a new dog. Maybe I can and will get a new guide dog, but due to some issues holding me back, I can’t see it happening soon. My biggest worry is my eye. I don’t know what to expect. I know I need guinicological issues to be investigated, and if I discover that they can be managed easily, then I’ll just move on. As for my eye, I’m worried sick about it. Yeah yeah… Maybe I’m being over-dramatic. But so what! I’m living with uncertainty and I don’t like it. I’ll be mentioning these concerns to my doctor and to Guide Dogs. I’m also going to mention a lot of other upsetting things to my doctor as well. She’s the only one I know who may be able to find ways for me to take painkillers with less side effects. Nobody can leave surgery in excessive pain. Nobody!!!!!! So I’m going to ask her a million questions and I’m also going to ask her to write me a letter so any of my support workers can’t control me and take over my life. I know how I want to live to enjoy myself and socialise and all sorts; and I know I want dignity during the worst times of my life, so I’m not about to let anybody make my decisions for me, be it about my life or my death. I want a happy life and I want full control over it, thank you.

At this moment I’m so anxious I feel as if I could take something to calm myself down. But I’m not suffering enough typical symptoms of severe panic/anxiety to do this. I’m awake, but I’m writing and I’m thinking clearly enough, too clearly to physically block out my anxiety symptoms. So I’m just going to keep writing, and eventually fall asleep. I need to relax, and reading and writing is the only way to do it. I really loved this pedicure place I went to tonight! I’d go back again. I miss the Guide Dogs staff and I can’t wait to get back into the program next year. I need to get O and M training started, gonna milk it for what it’s worth! I need any kind of happiness in life I can possibly get so I won’t give up. I may be judged for what I believe and everything, but that’s no skin off my nose, I know everybody gets judged. I also know that people can only care so much. Besides help and support, people are all about living through whatever good and bad circumstances. Well I’m sorry, I don’t think that way. I’m happy with the good circumstances. I’m not happy to live with bad circumstances. I don’t learn lessons from bad experiences unless I’ve brought them onto myself. If I can’t control the circumstances, then I don’t learn from them. I so damn hope my right eye is ok. I think having the implant taken out will make my face horrible, so I don’t want it out. This is what I hate about disability workers, they all think they know what’s good for me. Well they aren’t blind, so they wouldn’t have a bloody clue. I detest the way most people think they know how I feel and what I want in life. I can’t wait to tell the Guide Dogs psychologist this.

I hope tomorrow is a better day. J and V, the two people who cause trouble for many people, are trying to keep me in their lives. I don’t know what to do about that. They’re very demanding and V loses her temper whenever she can’t get her own way. I don’t have any other friends in this world, so I know I’m a hopeless case. Most people say they care, but really they don’t. People are usually concerned about themselves. I know once I lose control of my life I’ll stop eating and drinking. Someone else can live my difficult life for me. They’ll soon change their tune and let me go peacefully once they realise I’m too difficult to look after and care for. My Mum had arguments with a lot of people about me when I was a kid, and now I’m coming to the same conclusions as her. As for J and V, I’m hiding from them. As much as I want to try and be friendly to them, they cause a lot of difficulty for me and are so disrespectful and high-strung and everything. I must say they’re as nasty as each other. I hope to stay away from them, every time I hear them I’m just going to block them out as though I’d never met them. I don’t think they really care about me at all. Besides all that, I’m glad to be at home in my own space. I’ll be entertaining myself with my phone for the rest of the night.

Doctors

December 18, 2018

So my doctor appointment went well today. The doc pulled an eyelash that was growing into my eye, out. Eyelashes usually grow outwards, but occasionally one will grow inwards and cause problems. So the poor doctor carefully took it away and helped me wash my artificial eye piece so I could put it back into my eye socket safely without any infection risk. I have to clean my eye socket out again soon. She also cut bits of dry skin off my left big toe. It was hurting a lot for a few weeks, on and off. Today it felt a bit more painful, so the doctor cleared some yucky skin away. She wrote a note for me to take to nail places. The doctor said the ladies aren’t cutting my toenails properly so they’re getting stuck in my toes instead of growing normally. I tried to lift my toenail away from the skin, but the doctor wouldn’t let me. I also asked her to slice my toe at both sides and cut the nail to a slightly narrower width, but she refused. She wants to give pedicure people one more chance to get it right, and if I get nowhere with these people, she’ll refer me to a podiatrist. The doctor knows I love foot baths lol! We’ll see how it goes I think. I also have a referal to the Mata Hospital to see a guinicologist. I’ll keep you all posted when things happen and all that. I hate my periods and if I can come to some truce with all this shit so I can just move on, I’ll be satisfied. I just don’t want my previous menstrual problems to return. Infertility is the least of my problems right now. If painful periods gives me the cranks and a miserable week, just imagine what a pregnancy will do!!!!!!!! Doctors are so quick to read the book but they’re slow to get with the real world. I had a word with my doctor today and I may finally have flipped a switch and got her to see sense with my situation. Time will tell.

I’ve been messing around with the Woolworths online shopping system. I’ve also been letting Woolworths staff know I’d be coming along regularly to pick up shopping and also that I’d need assistance to get stuff that doesn’t make it into online orders. I really hate Coles, their disrespectful staff are doing nothing to help their business. I feel like being horrible back and buying the Coles store out of house and home. Greedy I know, but funnily enough I’m doing this to Woolworths and they seem to love it hahahahahahaha! I’ve got a great big shopping load coming in tomorrow and a small load to pick up on Saturday. I’m test-driving the drive-through shopping, and next time I’ll test-drive in-store pick-up. I want to prove that I no longer need a support worker for grocery shopping!!!!!! I have better things to do than waste four hours each week on grocery shopping when I could spend the same amount of time doing sports, fixing my personal life however I see fit, and socialising out in the community. As much as I hate online shopping at times, if a supermarket chain wants to help me get a shopping system going without arguing and bickering, then yeah, I’ll go with it. I need support workers for really difficult activities where I can’t be alone. Some forms of shopping can’t be done alone, and attending sports arenas isn’t good for a blindy to attend unsupervised. I hope Woolworths Online doesn’t frig up any time soon. I rely on them to shop independently; I have more control over my shopping if I do it myself. I have less to worry about with my life now, I presume that anyway. I’ll be having a relaxing day tomorrow, that’s for sure. I’ll be going to Fairfield Gardens Shopping Centre in the morning, then home for the rest of the afternoon. On Thursday night I’ll be playing Secret Santa, and tomorrow I’m doing an early Christmas delivery with the excuse that Santa’s sleigh is super busy this year so some people have to get presents because he won’t have enough time to deliver goods to all households on the 25th of December. Lol haha! Yeah, I know Santa isn’t real, but I still pretend that he is, every year.

Shameful behaviour from Coles supermarket, and a better outcome with Woolworths

December 13, 2018

I’ve gotten back to normal a week ago, since coming down with a horrible stomach complaint. I’m still on a probiotics course for another few weeks just to be sure my mystery illness doesn’t recur. I feel generally ok, so maybe I’ll just stay well and good from now on. Guinicological issues haven’t deteriorated; in fact I feel rather well with all of that. I’m concerned about long-term side effects of this birth control implant, but so far I’m not suffering greatly so I suppose if I eat a good diet and drink properly and exercise every day, I should be mostly all right barring a few scrapes and bruises here and there. I need to get my left big toe checked but it’s not urgent so I’ll wait a while and see what happens. Maybe it’s just irritation from the nail, I don’t know. Not much other news about my health so far, so moving on!

It’s breezy today. So I figure I’d take a bit of fresh air outside for a bit while I write, even though it’s rather hot and I have to leave the air-conditioner on all day and turn it off at night. I imagine that between January and March I may need the air on at night sometimes as well. Our unit complex has solar panels so I can save money on power if I use electricity during the day and minimal electricity at night. So I hope summer doesn’t get too hot. I also hope I can get Guide Dogs to start my O and M program again as soon as they can fit me in. As much as I like to walk to my local shopping centre, I hate the Coles store there. The majority of staff are rude and overall disgusting with the way they treat people with disabilities. On Sunday I and my friend who is sighted but is also intellectually impaired, got abused by staff, and so did my support person. Staff said they’re demanding that the visually impaired community come in to get assistance with shopping on certain days that they pre-arrange and demanded that we use their online shopping service. I attempted to let the nasty bitches know of my bad experiences with online shopping, and I was dismissed and abused. My friend was dismissed and staff denied abusing him and me that morning. I was abused in front of my support person when I brought him and my friend with me a few hours later. Two nights ago, I had wonderful customer service from Woolworths, and they’re gladly getting me to test their online system again after I abandoned their system for just over a year. Woolworths staff apparently can’t wait to hear from me and to let them know of any issues I find with online shopping so the system can be fixed. Woolies wants more VI/blind people and as many other people with differing needs to start using online shopping as well. I was also told told to ask for assistance at the customer service desk as well. A totally opposite experience from the way Cole staff treat me. I can’t say every Coles staff member is abusive to customers, but a lot of them are, including head managers. They’re very racist as well. I’m taking legal action against them. Woolies can’t be sued for giving disabled/Vi people a hundred options for independent shopping and getting assistance, whereas Coles can be sued because they make demands on customers but won’t lift a finger to help them. They’re violating human rights too, by banning disabled people from going into the store without a friend or support person. Apparently the vision impaired community isn’t welcome at this Coles store. I’m going to sue the bastards for everything I can get from them now, and this includes one year of free shopping. Coles can get fucked, if staff think they can get what they want through violence and intimidation, they can bugger me dead and find another job. I’m not about to change for their greedy arses. Coles can help disabled customers or go broke, their choice.

I got a Woolworths Click and Collect order ready for pickup next Tuesday. I have another trolley-load of shopping to submit on Tuesday, and if it’s more than $200, I think I’ll get it delivered. I can’t fault Woolworths. They’ve given accessible shopping a major shot, and they’ve bent over backwards to help me out, so I’m giving them the respect they deserve. I’ll either be collecting it on Friday evening, or getting it delivered over the weekend, depending on how big the grocery order will be. At least I can write notes in the Woolworths online system. I grew to hate online shopping, but now I can write notes and special instructions, I’m ok with it again. It means that if I still miss a couple of items it won’t take more than three minutes for Woolworths staff to get those things. They won’t have to help me get a big lot of things if Click and Collect and Home Delivery is working properly. I can’t blame a store for not having everything I want, but Coles is disgusting. Why would I allow substitutions for unavailable items if I can’t even specify the substitutions? And their customer service is horrendous!!!!!!!! Any store that allows its staff to abuse customers should be frigging burnt to the ground. I will not have anybody tell me when I can and can’t go into a store when everyone else can go in the same store whenever they please. Get fucked Coles, is all I have to say to them. Woolworths is making independent shopping as accessible as possible and I’m grateful to them. Staff even show respect to my support workers and treat me as a person and not an invissible presence. I’m about to let Guide Dogs know of what’s going on. I’m sure they’ll be happy! Not. Lol! A VI friend of mine will be doing O and M in Coles next week so I can just imagine Coles staff backpeddling and twisting words and distorting things here and there. I did warn my friend to be cautious of them, but she’s the kind of person who needs to touch a hot stove before she takes you seriously. She will learn the hard way, I suppose. I generally hate online shopping too, but if Woolworths has made it more accessible and I can write instructions and ask for extra assistance if I need it, then I’ll take it.

Call from doctor

December 5, 2018

I got a call from the doctor today. I found out that I don’t have a stomach infection. So… Either it was a virus all along, or the antibiotics killed it off so a culture wouldn’t show any infection anyway. Which means the diarrhoea and tender stomach may be related to antibiotics in some way. Which means if I was infected, I probably started recovering enough over time to make my results come up negative. Next time I get crook, I’m going to take a test before actually starting on an antibiotic. Negative tests are fantastic news for me, but disappointing because now I can’t prevent an illness that I can’t find out about. So now I’m left in the dark as to what to do. If it wasn’t food poisoning, what was it?

I’m getting refered to a hospital to sort out my options for becoming sterilized. My doctor refuses to allow permanent sterilization; blatant disrespect of my decisions if you ask me, but she’s not about to budge so I’m going to wait to get another doctor to do what I’m asking for. First I’m donating a bazillion eggs to a good cause. I’m not about to go down without being nice to someone. It’s fucking overwhelming and tear-inducing, but I don’t care. So long as I don’t have to be a mother, I don’t give a shit! I just want someone to know I care enough to try to help them. I wouldn’t just throw my body at people, but Christ. If someone cries for help and it’s a good cause that benefits mankind, why not!!!!!!!!! I wouldn’t put myself out for nothing. There are some people in this world who genuinely deserve the whole world let alone a child. I will try to contribute to someone’s well-being before sterilizing myself. I don’t care what the doctor thinks; if she doesn’t want me to do irreversible treatment, that’s bad luck to her. She doesn’t live in my body. I’ll demand I get what I want after I give someone a really pricy gift, or many. I also want a treatment that I can fix once or twice and move on. Let someone else be the mother they’ve always wanted to be1then please do something to me permanently and leave me alone. That’s all I’m asking. Good health is about fixing your own life to make of it what you want. Well, this is what I’m doing and nobody is stepping in my way.

I got my hair trimmed and slightly layered today. This lady who helped me was seriously awesome! Plus this hairdresser is conveniently in the shopping centre. She’s making sure I get a good shampoo, but we’ve swapped a conditioner over to another one in a bottle. I must admit I hate the pump products. I’d rather flip the bottle over and pour some conditioner out rather than pump it and not use all of it up. I must say I got along with this person a lot better in many ways. These people tend to work with each person until they’re done with their hair, maybe getting someone else to help out with certain hair treatments. I plan to go back when I’m ready to make another appointment. If I like this shampoo, I’ll just keep buying it. I won’t fix what isn’t broken. The other hairdresser I went to was inconvenient to get to anyway. I also like how the haircut was a lot cheaper! Forty-two dollars is a rip off for a simple hair style and cut, but at least I can get a pensioner discount. I also like how I’m not expected to make an appointment for my next visit right away. My life is getting on track now I think. If anything goes wrong, I’ll involve my family, but if all goes well, I’ll be fine.

Tomorrow I’m sleeping in a bit. I may get out of bed at eight o’clock. But if I wake up early, so be it. But I’ll be resting tomorrow. In the afternoon from noon and onwards, I’ll be up and Adam. I’ll be very busy making a good attempt to clean. I like participating in tasks so I feel like I’ve got control of my life. I’m glad I’ve got a whole lot of good clothes. I can’t be hot and bothered by wearing long warm clothes all the time. I think I’ll round up my washing tomorrow and just do it even though I don’t have much there to put through the washing machine. I want everything in my unit to be all clean so I can come tomorrow night to sleep in a really clean unit. I’ll be reading my Braille book from Vision Australia as long as I can stand to concentrate. By the looks of it, I may not even finish this book by Friday. I love reading books about other cultures and countries. I guess I’ll have to see how I go. I was going to copy a recording off YouTube and re-upload it if it’s removed, but maybe I’ll ditch that plan. I’ll just wait and see about that one too. I’ll be waiting and seeing about a lot of things, actually. The most shocking part of all this shit is: Today I found out that in Australia, a woman has to have a medical reason to be sterilized permanently, such as cancer or other guinicological condition rendering her devastated and suffering, unable to function with daily life. Otherwise, irreversible sterilization is illegal. I think certain disabilities allow for a lady to be permanently sterilized, but she needs medical evidence that it’s dangerous for her to fall pregnant and that she has intentions to have a sexual relationship where her life is threatened by accidental pregnancy. So yeah, I litterally fucked when it comes to keeping pregnancy from happening. I can have reversible treatments where I can either fall pregnant naturally at a later date, or carry a child through IVF if I so desire. But anything causing me to ever become pregnant or would prevent me from carry a child, is illegal without a reason. I think the law over here sucks to be honest. All women have to be painted with the same paintbrush (even Family Planning has to follow our sucky laws), all because some people may change their minds and want a family. So unless the doctors find something wrong with me, I’m only elligible for reversible sterilization. What a fucking crock of crap, but this is how it is. I can guarantee you that given the chance and the money, I could go to China or Tiwan for six months, get sterilized irreversibly, then come back to Australia with the details of the doctor who provides the service, and a letter or certificate freeing my current doctor from all responsibility and liability if something goes wrong or I start whinging, for whatever reason. Then she may treat me normally so long as she doesn’t encourage me to do any further irreversible procedures without a serious reason. So if I want major procedures done on an elective basis, I must leave the country. God bloody forbid.

A really great day!

December 1, 2018

I’m just about back to normal. I’m eating and drinking like a horse now. Today’s Link Vision event was wonderful. I didn’t do any shopping, but I ate an awful lot of food and drank a lot! No alcohol of course! I’m resting this afternoon, and will talk to the neighbours soon. I hope I never get food poisoning again and I hope I find out what I got sick from so I can demand compensation. I don’t expect to go out and eat rotten or poisoned food. Even if I didn’t end up in hospital’ it’s illegal for anyone to serve unsanitary food. I need to get to the bottom of this shit now so other people won’t get sick from this same joint I went to, two weeks ago. I also made sure to have nothing to do with this social meeting site either, for some odd reason people aren’t very nice in these groups and I don’t know why. I cannot fathom how anyone can organise a social gathering and bully other people! So I’ve got my life on track… For now at least. I can say at this time that I’m no longer sick. Now I just have to wait for my hormones to kick in so I can show the doctors what’s breaking down in my body so they can fix it. Hopefully I don’t create more problems with medical treatments to fix things I don’t want in my life. I won’t accept childbirth or the responsibility of looking after children. So any means to achieve an end will mean I win and have control of my life situation. I do what I want, not what the doctor thinks I want. She isn’t living my life. I don’t understand how hard it is for people to figure out, actually. Besides the bullshit I have to deal with from some pathetic people, I’m ok at this time so when I realise that I’m not functioning correctly according to how I should be when feeling healthy and well, I’m demanding to be fixed. I want my life thank you. Not someone else’s idea of a life. Ok. Sorted. And so I journey onwards and upwards to getting a new guide dog!!!!!!!!! A few people are concerned, but after a reasonable discussion, we’re all on the same page and so I can move on and enjoy my life.

I’m really looking forward to getting onto the waiting list next year. I have a lot of O and M lessons to get through over the next six months. I had to get Guide Dogs to hold off all lessons until February next year because of getting really sick and not knowing how long it would take me to recover. I’ve recovered quite well now, so I guess I’ll be enjoying a fairly healthy retirement from O and M training for eight weeks. I hope next year starts out well. I’ll be getting O and M from an O and M instructor and also a guide dog mobility instructor because I need to start the assessment process to see if I’m still elligible to train with, and handle a guide dog. I’m not very optimistic, but maybe I’ll pass the tests and do just fine. But I’m not sure at this stage. I’ll see how I go with my assessment to see how my spacial awareness is, and how well I’ll do with getting around by instructing someone where to take me as if I were instructing a guide dog. I’m freaking out because I don’t see myself doing well. But I’ll be surprised when I finally get to the stage of going through a dog handling assessment. I haven’t worked a guide dog since 2016 so I hope I don’t do really badly with the O and M assessment and dog handling test. Apparently according to what I’m told, the GDMIs need to check a lot of things but I will supposedly do ok, from past history and refreshment training and sorting out a few issues. I bloody well hope this means good news. Now that I’m back on my feet and not dealing with horrible pain and nausea any more I’ll be walking to the shops every single day. I will have to change hairdressers though. As much as the hairdresser is good in general, hair cuts and treatment is bloody expensive, and when I had to turn down an appointment yesterday because other dramas got in the way of my appointment, I was asked when I’d come back, when I’d already said I’d text the hairdresser to let her know when I would come back to get my hair done. I suppose she can’t read because of the way she framed her question and carried on, so I simply wouldn’t answer her. So I guess now Guide Dogs have to know about this bullshit as well which pisses me off because I thought I’d done well to learn to walk to this hairdresser place. Damn it! I went to a hairdressers in my local shopping centre, didn’t get my hair cut but the staff seem nice enough and they asked when I’d like to make an appointment but they weren’t overly demanding when I said I was just checking to see where they were in case I want to go back next time. I also got the feeling that I could just ring and make an appointment any time I’m ready to come back. With my current hairdresser, she seems to want people to make appointments as soon as you’re done so it’s like, you can’t even determine if you’ll even be able to make that appointment, which means you’re at risk of cancelling at the last minute. I hate doing this to anyone, but it’s not my fault that I get sick and have to see a doctor and go to an NDIA appointment and all the rest of it. Personally I think this particular hairdresser is fucking demanding now that I think of it. For me, I like making appointments for the next day or two, or even the next week. It’s not too far ahead and I’m more sure of myself that I won’t cancel on them at the last minute. I also can’t stand overbearing people. I like to go to the hairdressers for a hair cut, and if needed, a hair wash. But some people like to make money. And this hairdressers at my local shopping centre is in higher demand than the one I currently go to. I suppose GDQ will be a bit offended which I understand totally. But it’s not their fault if I decide to change hairdressers because of communication issues and high expectations with appointment bookings. I also feel like I’m forced into buying shampoos I may not like. I believe it’s ok to be comfortable and go with shampoos to fix certain scalp conditions, etc. But when you’re pressured into accepting shampoos that hairdressers choose for you, that’s a bit much. I think it’s up to the individual to try a few hair products and find one they like, rather than letting hairdressers choose them according to their own recommendations all the time. It’s a grey area really, because I don’t want to accidentally use the wrong shampoo and stuff up my hair. But I don’t want to use a product that I don’t like because the hairdresser wants me to use it, unless it’s to fix really bad dandruff or some other serious hair condition. I think washing hair for the sake of it is horrible too. It’s all about the money instead of the satisfaction of the customers. So yeah, there’s a lot of reasons why I wuld and would not stay with my current hairdresser, the would-nots being the biggest disadvantage. I’ll have to show the new hairdressers what shampoo I’m using and then I will stipulate that so long as I physically feel comfortable and nice, just show me some good shampoos and conditioners and don’t lock me into any unsigned contracts. I may even get a support worker to come along with me at least a few times so I don’t get conned or ripped off. Then I should be right.

27 November, 2018 22:59

November 27, 2018

I had a good doctor appointment today. I’m pushing for guinicological tests to determine what treatments I need in order to stop my periods. Apparently the doctor will call me back and let me know. I’ll either go on the pill or have something done. I want to be sterilized though, and I want to stop my menstrual cycle. I don’t like it. Twice yearly on the pill sounds ok, but then it’s still two menstrual periods to see that my uterus and vagina are ok. Well, if my vagina and uterus (the way my insides and stomach are every day), feels comfortable, why do I need to be fertile with a menstrual period? I’m blind. I don’t want guinicological problems to manage as well! Then I have to keep replacing underwear and clothes. I also don’t want to keep taking painkillers over my periods. They cause side effects after a while. Even twice a year taking painkillers is a bit much. No it’s not a frequent occurrance, but it’s a damn hassle all the same, and my lifestyle would be restricted. This doc is nice to me so I’ll stay with her. I have to hand in a sample of crap as soon as possible so I have to eat as well as I can today. It’s a pity I took a crap this morning, that would have been a perfect shit sample! Oh well…

It’s nearly 10:15 and I had a really good night! For the first time in nearly two weeks, I finally got hungry and ate a lot. I had potato wedges, garlic bread, onion rings, a burger and chips. I had hot chocolate and lemonaide and a fair amount of water. Food at this hotel is awesome! Some people freaked out over me because I drink a lot (apparently my drinking heaps of water and some coffee, isn’t unsafe after all), and I basically said that I’m ok and I’ve got a doctor who knows how to control my situation properly. I hope my new doctor can sort me out so I won’t stay sick and miserable. Surgery isn’t very nice, but it’s a frigging ietter alternative to misery for the rest of my life. If it’s ok to remove bad teeth, then it’s ok to remove a bad uterus. Besides the dramas, I’m starting to recover and I can’t wait to start exercising a lot again. Hiking on Thursday, gym on Friday. Next week I’ll be really going for it! I’m going to have a massive feed at the buffet bar in a couple of weeks, and next week I’m going to go for a great long walk on the beach. I want to pick up some Pipi shells and cook them at hmme.

Full speed ahead

November 26, 2018

Well, what a drama the past week has been! My stomach has been playing up since the 17th of November. Antibiotics haven’t completely resolved my stomach issues. I’m on Day 5 of antibiotics today, and since I’m seeing a new doctor tomorrow, I can’t stop taking them until she finds out what’s going on. I keep getting diarrhoea and intermittent stomach ache. I can eat better than I did two days ago. My problem is I’m not getting my appetite back properly and I eat better sometimes and not so well at other times. I haven’t done a lot of walking either. I’m slowly losing energy.

The other thing that bugs me is the implant in my arm. My periods are returning, so I want the bar removed. I don’t want my periods to come back so I want something done to prevent them from coming back. I will soon start painkillers for each period again so I find it to be a problem. The pill won’t fix it; I want no painkillers every month and no bleeding trouble. I hate dismissive doctors. I know they’re more concerned about their pay packet if they don’t care about my issues I present to them. The doc I saw last week is a bit of a twat, he didn’t even do any tests to see if antibiotics would be the correct treatment or not. He didn’t even try to refer me onto another doctor when I told him I think my periods are returning. And he wants me to die so he can say he’s sorry that I got ill and he wasn’t expecting me to die, while secretly he doesn’t give a fuck! He claims to care and want people to survive, but in reality he’s far from truthful. I even told the wanker that he can’t and won’t help me, and he didn’t really like that because it’s true and he didn’t want to accept it. Well I’ll be honest and say I couldn’t care less about what happens. We’ve all got to die of something at some point. I think suffering is worse than death but there’s too many religious nuts in the world who don’t even recognise cruelty for what it is. Well they can shove their ever-loving sadistic god us their arse. Keep your sadistic religious beliefs to yourself. I want a comfortable life thank you.

For the past week I’ve been making decisions about my future. I can’t see myself surviving many more birthdays, so I’m just going to live to enjoy myself as much as I can. Maybe I’ve just had bad medical care from fake doctors or incompetent doctors most of the time, and maybe if I find a proper doctor, I’ll probably live a long life. But at this time, I’m not seeing much of a future. I know I can’t see and don’t have a life. My life isn’t as good as a sighted person’s life, and with all the help in the world, I still have a pretty crappy life. Support workers are great; they make sure I enjoy myself as much as I can. But if I was fully sighted I’d live better. I’m sure mental illness is just as bad as blindness, so if I had full sight I’d hope not to have mental issues. But since I can’t see, if I die tomorrow the world won’t miss me. Just the typical ‘oh she was a good person’ ritual and the crying and laughing as people grieve. It’s nothing new or special. Everyone has someone who goes to their funeral to put the deceased relative or friend on a pedestal. I’m sure that maybe one or two people will say I had a lot to offer the world, but most people will just notice that a normal person has died and I’ll be forgotten after a week. I don’t have any valuable commitments to keep living for. Hiking is good exercise and hanging out at the library is fantastic! But there’s nothing of high impact that really stands out in my life for people to notice if I die soon. Any comments people make goes right over my head because they just say things to be polite. Life is really good if you can see and don’t have other mental and physical disabilities. I’ll just be as comfortable as I can and whatever happens will be. I at least want to know what I’m living with and how long I’ll suffer for.

22 November, 2018 08:26

November 22, 2018

I’m still slightly sick today. Slightly as in, my stomach doesn’t feel the best still. So I’m going to see how I go with eating, and if I eat enough I’ll take an antibiotic twice a day for five days. Let’s hope it works and I come good. If it doesn’t work for some reason, I’m going to decline any further treatment and stay comfortable at home. The hospital won’t help me, there’s too many medicines I can’t take due to side effects and reactions. So I won’t fare better there. I’ve never liked medical treatment so if something doesn’t benefit me, I won’t even bother with it. I won’t be reporting other health problems either. Everyone carries on at me about this and that. Well that’s them. I’m not going to be these people, so I’ll cope in my own way. Most people would do what they don’t like doing. Well I don’t work that way. If I don’t like a medical treatment, I decline it. Taking my right to refuse medical care away, isn’t changing anything. I’ll still refuse care if I feel th at I’m not getting anything out of it.

21 November, 2018 23:21

November 21, 2018

Getting a little better. I didn’t eat much tonight, just a few biscuits. I’ll have to decide whether I take an antibiotic tomorrow or not. If I wake up ok, I won’t. But if I feel crook, I’ll determine how much I can eat and play it by ear. I want to avoid the hospital though. I’m restricted to what medicines I can take so the hospital won’t be of help. They’ll just check me over and do some X-rays and such, and send me home in the same condition I left in. Yeah, fuck that already! I’ve decided to dictate what happens with my body because doctors think they have the authority to decide what happens. Well, no they fuckin’ don’t actually. They can think what they will, I don’t care. I’ll see how I am when I wake up though, and make a choice of what I do by then. I feel slightly shitty tonight, but not as sick. I’m glad I didn’t need a nausea tablet this afternoon. No appetite is bad though, blood loss as well. If it’s the same tomorrow, I guess I’ll be mucking about with wasting
my time getting a freaking checkup. I hope my stomach symptoms don’t return, because if I do find out that the bar in my arm has something to do with this, I’ll blow a fuse.

Bad doctor’s appointment yesterday

November 21, 2018

My health is declining. I asked a doctor for help to fix a stomach problem yesterday. I’m deteriorating fast though, so if I’m not eating by tomorrow morning, I won’t be able to take an antibiotic which needs to be taken with food. Currently as it stands, there’s no pain medicine that will work for me. Most of it causes severe reactions leading to death. The weaker ones need to be taken with other medicines and don’t touch pain much. I’m limited with sickness medicine because I’m alergic to most of them. Most antibiotics I can’t have due to alergy, and the one I could have needs to be taken with food. So I guess I’m at home to remain comfortable for a couple of weeks to say goodbye to the world. I was born prematurely, so this is what happens. So if I’m still around next week, I’ll be back to write more. If you don’t see posts for a couple of weeks, I’m either very crook or peace and over. All the best guys.

What I got up to today

November 19, 2018

I slept in this morning. I felt ok when I got out of bed, so I ate a massive breakfast of curried sausage with pasta and vegies. I find it unbelievable that yesterday’s meal was cooked within thirty minutes. I couldn’t work like that without assistance! With a chef around, a bit of rushing doesn’t bother me. But if he were to make me cook the same meal without his help, I’d insist on more time. I’ll be discussing these concerns with the OT this afternoon. That way if I do slightly burn my food or cook it a bit longer than what the recipe calls for, especially if it’s chicken or fish (undercooked fish tastes disgusting!) then at least the food is safe for me to eat and I won’t spew from the taste or from getting food poisoning. I’ll be talking with my OT about a few things that worries me about my interactions with other people too. I can never reason with some people and I get so mad when people choose to run me into the ground just because they can.

I’ve still got the Hatchi app with three virtual pets living happily. I hope to keep up with the game for a long time! I plan to release two Hatchis and keep one, while adopting other ones. I’m also wondering if there’s a way to breed Hatchis. That would be fun! I sent an email to the developer because a few issues are happening. The coin currency in the game won’t appear even though I bought 5000 game coins for $3 and I signed out, then back into the iTunes Store. My settings say I bought the currency pack and it has gone through so the purchase is there. But when I open the Hatchi app, the coin balance doesn’t change and there’s no sign of my purchase in the inventory either. I have a Hatchi egg in the inventory, as well as a mystery box which contained an evolution guide, that works very well. It lets me read it. The eggs work if I buy slots to hatch them in, with my game coins. As for the currency pack and Coin Doubler, they don’t activate in the game at all. So I hope this is fixed in the next update. If anything buggers up, I’ll just release all Hatchis into the Hatchi Forest Sanctuary, then will start again with the app when a new update comes out. Apparently released Hatchis remain in the game wilds and you can visit them at any time until they eventually die off. I actually plan to keep a Hatchi alive as long as feasibly possible because I want to see if I can break a world record of the oldest virtual pet in existence. Besides that, I’m having a good day. I’m really excited about meeting my support worker tomorrow and I hope I get along with her! I’m freaking out over how I’ll get along with this new doctor but hopefully this time, he won’t tell me to commit suicide by water poisoning whenever I get sick, or wish I was dead because I’m blind and all thee other shit that some doctors and impostor thugs may think. To think that anyone would be happy for me to die because they don’t like seeing me vomit and/or looking sick is abhorrent to me, especially since most doctors that I know of, hate seeing me crook but would love to see me survive! Everyone hates spewing up, but wishing someone to be harmed or die over it is disgusting!!!!!!!!! If I’m unwell and I get agitated and nasty, you’re meant to try to help me feel better about myself and show kindness, not fucking tell me how to kill myself to look like an accident or natural causes and then abandon my health care and blacklist me! The only reason this doctor didn’t go to jail in May for hurting me is because I’m too dumb to report crime, and that ain’t about to change. I only report crimes if it’s in progress, not after the fact. It’s too much effort for me to complain, so the only way for a doctor to get into trouble is if I got very ill or died because of malpractice or bad conduct from the doctor, and family members and friends took action. I’m not the type to take action unless someone else finds out I’m in difficulty and helps me. Otherwise, I just move on with my life. The only reason I’m getting a new doctor is because I was forced to accept a new doctor, otherwise I’d still not have a doctor next year. And nobody wants me to intentionally neglect my health and get really sick or die without so much as a checkup. I personally don’t give a shit really. We all can’t live for ever. But since I’m pinning my hopes on this doctor not being the type to victimise people for financial gain, I’ll see how I go. I can’t fathom anyone loving money so much that they’ll even gain access to sick people to cause harm and death just because it’s their quickest means to an end. Oh well, new leaf, new chapter, better life.

Hopefully my life improves

November 19, 2018

Hopefully I get on well with this new community support company. The staff seem really nice! I guess I’ll be starting a new chapter in my life now. Hopefully I can get medical care from a real doctor this time. Now I know what an impostor is like, I hope to never experience horrible care from a fraudster again. Some doctors are like pedophiles under the guise of childcare workers; all they want is money and access to vulnerable people, whether it be children, elderly people, or sick and/or disabled people. I cannot fucking believe anybody going to medical school could dream of getting access to a medical clinic to hurt other people for financial gain. I could throw up right now, but I won’t because I could be lucky enough to get well again at home, or I may end up getting medical attention in a hospital and sleeping off some IV fluids with sandman stuff for a couple of days lol! So I’ll just forget about the shit that happened in May, and get ready for another load of crappy medical treatments next year under the care of someone who tries to make people comfortable and able to survive long enough to end their lives on a healthy note at a ripe old age.

I have my OT coming around tomorrow. I hope I get more O and M lessons this year. The quicker I can get onto the waiting list for a guide dog, the better! I’m looking forward to my first day with my new support worker on Tuesday as well. Honestly, the Centacare workers are attrocious and unprofessional, I wouldn’t recommend the company to anybody. The problem with Centacare is that it’s bloody Catholic! The system is run in such a fucking brutal manner. The God damned bill I was sent was a frigging lousy scribble job with no explanation of why they want my money. Robbery if you ask me. If they can’t send me an honest billing report, what makes you think I’d trust them? Centacare isn’t even fuckin’ reputable! The company isn’t even NDIS funded even though the liars say they are. Centacare did their darndest to make me look bad, so now the wankers are gonna pay for it. I’ve had it with bullshit from people, so I hope this is a new leaf or I’m going to lose it. The next doctor who lies about me abusing drugs and pretending to be ill when I’m not, is gonna friggin’ die. And I want my NDIS plan to start being used up since stupid Centacare didn’t do jack shit to help me get it organised. The new company I’m with has helped me get myself organised straight away so tomorrow I simply need to put my banking details into the NDIS MyPlace porthole, and I’ll be set. Next year I’m planning to self-manage my funding. But I’ll see about that at my next review. My health will be getting back on track properly soon too. And I’ll be getting a lot more exercise since I’ll be able to do as much walking as I like because the support worker I’ll be with, loves exercise and fitness!!!!!!!! She’ll also be able to help me get involved in a lot of sports like rock-climbing, hiking and martial arts. I like getting on the move, sedentary living is just not me.

I’m doing good with the Hatchi app as well. I’m earning more coins so I can buy more space to put more Hatchi pets. I think the iPhone app is pretty cool. I’m going to give the pets more attention when I’m done with this blog. I have more good news. I’ll be getting help to cook each week from now on, until we’re sure I can cook properly without help. My biggest challenge – spanner in the works rather, is how I’ll know meat is cooking properly without me being able to touch it. If I can’t check my food by touch, then fuck, I have no idea what I’ll do. I don’t want to burn my fingers but I also don’t want to eat food that is undercooked. I also hate burnt food. At least I know I can cook independently most of the time. I’ll be doing roast pork on Sunday. On Wednesday I want to do fried steak and vegies. On Tuesday I’ll go to my new doctor and that night I’m going out to dinner. On Thursday night I’m going hiking and on Friday I’m sleeping in. Saturday will be a day of sleeping and I’ll be getting up early on Sunday. I’ll be listening to Netflicks shows all day and cooking a roast. The chef will also do a really good slow cooker lamb casserole of some sort and I can’t wait to taste it. I’ll have to eat food out of the freezer before then because I’ll need enough space for five containers of single-serve meals every week. I eat so much other shit now that I won’t always need a really big meal except when I go out. With the amount of food that will sit in the fridge on a weekly basis now though, I may not go out as much.

New community support company

November 19, 2018

Hi people! I haven’t written for the past couple of days. I haven’t done a whole lot to rave about to be honest. I will say that the amount of bullies and patronising people I encounter on a weekly basis astounds me. I went to a walking group on Thursday night, and although the people in this group are nice to hang out with generally, they had a lot of negative, nasty stuff to say at me and another bloke who is totally blind like me, and a sighted intelectually impaired man. I honestly can’t believe how low-life many people can be! I’m going to make my own walking group and clearly state that moderate fitness is required and to wear sneakers and bring a waterbottle. I’ll also state that bullying and disrespect isn’t allowed, and anybody engaging in poor behaviour is going to be banned from the group. I don’t go out walking to listen to other larger-than-life people, demeaning people with disabilities and telling us we may get hurt if we try a 7-kilometre walk. They’re a very typical be-like-our-club-or-get-out, kind of group. And someone who wants me to come back, they’re very nice yet very very negative and depressing to listen to, at the same time. They have the don’t-push-your-limits attitude, and I won’t have that either. Who the hell is anybody to decide what I will and won’t do? If I collapse for example, after doing exercise, which rarely happens, how DARE anyone criticise me for it! HOW DARE!!!!!!!!!!! Excuse me, accidents happen, people sometimes get heat exhaustion/dehydration problems, and I will not ever tolerate anybody telling me what my limits are, thank you. So yeah, I’ve seen what society is like, and I feel like shit that so many sighted people would rather extinguish blind/disabled people just because some people want perfect people around them. I’d love to see some of these people lose their vision one day and tolerate the same type of bullying and we’ll see how they fare then!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the negativity of some people really suprises me – I wonder how anyone can survive such miserable lives with disgraceful self-talk and negative attitudes towards people who want to improve their own lives. I’m sure it’s to do with being jealous, sometimes it’s due to people wanting to better themselves by denegrating others because they have no other nicer ways that they know, to help themselves. But for God’s sake! It’s still infuriating and I’m starting to develop an aversion to people. I’d gladly walk 7 kilometres on my lonesome than put up with bullshit from other people. I now realise how much I hate group activities. I would hope that I can create a good walking group that is free of bullying, harrassment, and judgemental behaviour.

Next February, I’ll be learning some more travel routes and getting onto the waiting list for a new guide dog!!!!!!!! This is so long in coming. I’ll be writing a lot, and doing a lot of audio recordings on my YouTube channel. When I edit my blog later, I’ll be putting my YouTube channel in my blog’s blurb section at the top of the page. I’ve informed some people on Facebook page about this, as WordPress won’t allow blogs to be published on my Facebook profile. I can’t see what the problem is. Anyway, this is what’s happening, so now I’m glad I didn’t delete my blog site even though I left it hanging for quite a while. I was concerned I’d never see another person’s blog again as well, but it’s still up and running, so I’m very happy to be catching up on her blog. It’s in my blog roll, and I’ve put it into my reader in the WordPress app last night. good luck with your training with a new dog soon, <a href=”thebigt1.wordpress.com”>Tori!</a> It’s very difficult to go through retiring a guide dog after working together for so long, but at least she’s a lot happier with her puppywalkers now. Good luck with your new partnership. I think dogs are amazing and I can’t wait to start writing about my assessment for a new dog in gory detail, as I could only discuss what happened when I was introduced to Troy, whereas this time, I can write about it all as it happens… wow!

I’m finally back after my big afternoon. A chef and a few others turned up and we had a lovely time. I’ll be getting cooking assistance for two hours every Sunday, but I can still cook independently at times if I want to. The guys just want to make sure I’m not hurting myself or getting sick from undercooked food. On Tuesday I start with a new support worker and I can’t wait! I’ll be getting to know a new doctor as well. Hopefully I won’t have to die or wish for the doctor to die… I just feel so nervous and freaked out at the moment. After that I’ll be going to a shopping centre for the day. I want to come home with enough happiness to want to go out to dinner. There isn’t supposed to be anything to stress over, but since I can’t accept medical treatments under any circumstances, well I guess there is a reason to stress. I did consider taking the Valium along just in case I panick too much, but maybe I won’t need it. Hopefully I can get in and get out without too much fuss. I have to eventually see a new dentist too. Won’t he love it when I tell him that after getting my wisdom teeth removed, I never asked questions and never got medical attention, and refused to seek assistance after being bullied by a false doctor! Man is he going to be happy about that. Not!!!!!! If this bullshit doctor wasn’t false, than what was she doing blacklisting me from receiving medical attention and lying about my health and medication use? I think when I’m sedated I may talk too much and the dentist will report all my complaints in. Haha, oh well! They can fucken deal with my vomiting stomach for all I care, I’ll be drugged out and won’t give a fuck. I won’t remember it anyway. And I’ll get back to normal soon enough.

What riles me the most about bad people…

November 10, 2018

Sit down now people, you’ve got a lot of reading to do! Haha! But seriously, here goes. I’m very, very very glad I’ve cut a friendship off last night. It was bound to happen at some point. I didn’t know it would happen so fast. I love to try to get along with everybody, but at the same time, if I try to help any person and they still choose to continue acting as they do and another person or animal is being affected negatively by this person’s actions, I will interfere to put a stop to the shit. I can give people a chance, but when some people fuck me over, I say piss off. I’ll tolerate accidents but I won’t tolerate blatant fucking dishonest and negative shit. Especially when it happens at an RSL club, and especially at one which I frequent a lot. Last night’s situation was both embarrassing and infuriating. To think that I can spend time with a so-called friend while they drag their guide dog around and treat it like crap and they don’t take the dog outside to a grass area to do business more than once for the entire day I’m with this shit of a person, drives me to wanting to smack my head at a wall. I was forced to write an urgent letter last night. I made sure the person I sent it to, could receive it immediately. I can’t stand people who drag their dogs around without giving that dog any chances to rest properly, eat and drink adequately etc. I especially HATE people who use mental illness and medicine as an excuse to be intentionally cruel to both people and animals. All anyone has ever done is treat this lady well, and she has fucking ruined it for herself and wasted all of our time and effort. This piece of shit thing clearly only wanted help for attention and so she could be nasty and horrible and get away with it. She really didn’t mean to make friends at all. She just wanted a lot of targets to lash out at so she can get control of whatever she can cling on to, because Stupid Bitch can’t control her own life. I really can’t tolerate manipulative people. I hope the fucking bitch lives a miserable life now. I hope she gets lonely too. Not only is she my worst enemy, I hope she becomes her own worst enemy. And I hope she suffers miserably. Karma is a bitch.

I’m resting for the afternoon. I’ll be going to the RSL club tonight. I need to relax and have a good time. I’ll be staying at home for the rest of the week so I may as well spend the rest of today socialising. Tomorrow I’m lazing around. And for the whole of next week I’ll be organising a support worker to come out to me every week. I have to make sure I’ve got a cleaning service up and running so I can let the community support companies know what’s going on. Once I’ve got everything sorted, I’ll be letting Guide Dogs know. I like to be doing something every day. Now that I’m not with Centacare because they’re too lazy to help anybody, I’ll be finding another community support service that will help me properly. Centacare started out well and went down the plughole never to be seen again. I feel sorry for anyone who supports that organisation, but oh well… What else can I do? I think religious institutions are the cancer of the human race. I’m not an atheist, but I do understand why some atheists do act the way they do towards many religious people. I don’t think religious people suffer from persecution at all. I think the persecution thing is just a bloody ruse for getting away with abuse or religious behaviour that wouldn’t be accepted for any other reason. Things like forcing people to suffer from terminal illnesses instead of euthanising them. Enlightenment during suffering isn’t even a real thing. People just say that suffering causes us to learn to persevere because they won’t admit that it’s just plain fucking abuse. We have to make up excuses for being cruel so we can use religion as a disguise for what we really mean. And honestly, most people mean to be abhorrent and evil, as in horrendous and nasty. Not all people are like this. It’s the people who’re against euthanasia and physician-assisted suicide that are the worst. As much as I don’t think it’s right to simply kill someone let alone an animal, I think it’s wrong to just let people suffer as well. But anyway, I could write all day and all night about that.

So to get back to my point about religious people and persecution: I think most people don’t even know what persecution is, really. Let’s say that if I report someone for abusing animals and they say, ‘Well get fucked then! You’re on your own!’ and they start slandering and gossiping and trying to get me into trouble for nothing, ok that’s persecution! I hate people who persecute others. I probably shouldn’t, but I do. And, God apparently loves people who pray to him about persecutors. Well he loves honesty too, so I’ll be honest. I have no fucking idea how to pray for people who persecute me, because I rarely ever get persecuted, by anyone. Last night’s bullshit where the person refused to look after her dog properly is one rare example of real persecution. I’ve dealt with shit from this person before, but never so severely. I only ever suffer from true persecution once in a fit so I never know what to do when it happens. I’m sure that maybe some religious people do suffer persecution, but most people have no idea what it’s about. I’m not so much scared of people who give me a bit of flack because of a disagreement. It’s the shit where people will actively try to harm me or my associates if I stand up for what’s right. That’s what I’m scared of. I get treated like shit from time to time. Some people are even openly hostile to me. But rarely do they take the next step of trying to destroy my reputation or ruin my life for no reason other than I’ve busted them and they don’t like it. Don’t come to me saying you can cast out demons. No you can’t. Try the real thing, by reporting ligitimate troublemakers. Then you’ll really know!!!!!!!! If you want a fight, expect to get hurt a little. That’s my advice. I won’t stand for bullshit from people, so I just dive in and do what I have to do. I’ll get over the damage. I won’t get over it if someone is allowed to get away with whatever they’re trying to cover up.

I’m off to the library on Tuesday. I’m gonna sit around for a couple of hours downloading Netflicks shows and then I’ll probably get something for dinner from Coles. I’ll consider going to The Junction on Wednesday, but their food is going to shit. I think spending a Friday or Saturday night at the RSL club is better. If anyone says anything to me about last night, I’ll bloody well tell them that they need to give Guide Dogs a call. If they don’t say anything, I’ll just forget about it. I’m moving on with my life anyway, so any crap that does transpire over the next week or two won’t affect me much. I just feel so sorry for some other people right now, but I think these people will know what they’re doing and will put this frigging bitchface in her place. I hope she loses any pets she owns, and her poor guide dog. And she should be punished for a week by being forced to live under someone’s thumb all day and all night, make sure she doesn’t eat and drink or go to the toilet unless her supervisor says so. We’ll see how she fucking likes it! Poor pup, I hope she’s re-homed with a better handler soon, or becomes someone’s loving pet dog. Either way, this faggot doesn’t deserve to keep animals. How can anyone get away with abusing animals for eighteen years? Some people are more experienced at being horrible to animals than they are at the jobs they’re meant to be doing, such as caring for the dog properly and being kind to it and all that.

Animal cruelty

November 6, 2018

Ok here comes a great big rave. I felt it coming on all day. I don’t care if I’m identified either. I just won’t say who I’m talking about. Right, so here goes. My biggest pet peeve is people who rattle on about how much they love animals, yet they act totally opposite in reality. Some people claim that animals are as equal as any human. So why do I hear people mistreating the animal by rousing it all the time, carrying on about its behaviours instead of training it etc. I heard someone tether their guide dog with no indication that the dog had drank any water for more than three hours! No other details or anything like that. Just that I heard that someone hadn’t given their dog water for more than three hours. The dog hadn’t gone outside for more than three hours, I heard what had happened. I think it’s ridiculous how people can be such hypocrites.

The other thing that gets me is how some people make friends with me and yet they really aren’t friends. I only found this out about someone when I had to put up with their disgusting attitude towards a lot of people, and their dog. And this person allows their other two animals to run rampant and make mess everywhere, yet this person denies all of this. I feel sorry for the animals, and if I owned that house, that particular person wouldn’t be living there. I’d even blacklist this person and I’d make a complaint to the RSPCA as well. I think this person is disgraceful. To think that this person goes around preaching like a righteous monk and acting all nice and pious, yet when one gets to know them, they’re a total bloomin’ nasty thing to put up with! A hypocrite is all I can say about them.

The attitude this person has towards people is bloody horrible. The person snaps at people, will not let people help her with very basic care of the guide dog, doesn’t care if anyone tramples the dog, won’t let people be nice to it. I wouldn’t accept distracting the dog from its training routine and work duties as a guide dog, but far out! Why can’t anybody be nice towards it? The poor dog! And here I was, thinking I could be a friend to said not-so-friend. I could go on! Maybe I should. I really wish I could write to this person and tell them how I truly feel. If the person does decide that they know it was me who dobbed them in, then oh well! Maybe they shouldn’t be so damn disgusting. I gave this person the benefit of the doubt. But after what I heard happen, I can’t believe I even considered talking to this person. I had a fallout with them a couple of years ago. Now I know why I never wanted contact with them ever again, and now my case stands as it did before. I have absolutely no time for people like the one I’m so furious at. I believe they use religion as an excuse to be bad people. Well yeah, this is why I feel most religious people, not all of them of course, are hypocrites.

And now I’ll go on about something else that fairly pisses me off!!!!!! People who think they can go around and kill others because of race and ethnicity. Absolutely dispicable! Who do people think they are? I feel sorry for anyone who gets treated horribly just because of being racially different from someone else! I just think it’s so fricken ridiculous, and to think that now a whole community of people in America are in turmoil because of a terror attack is so bad! Like seriously, violence in this world is on the increase! And I thought World War 2 was bad and full of nightmare stories. Look at what happens around the world today! Some people think they have the right to storm into a Synagogue and kill people, why? Because apparently these people were disliked for being a nationality these terrorist perpetrators didn’t like. This is terrible. I wonder how people would react if someone stormed into a temple, or mosque, church, and any other religious institution and shot people dead for being Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Taowist, etc? Or any other nationality, for that matter? I think certain people are low-life scum who can treat people like that. I don’t believe in murdering people because you dislike their nationality. I hate that kind of shit happening on this earth. There’s just no other way for me to say it. I thought all this sort of racial persecution and discrimination only existed in a book or part of our past history that we knew of years ago, but doesn’t happen now. Well blow me!!!!!!!! I’m reading about it in people’s blogs on the Internet, as it happens!!!!!!!!! OMG! You’d think that by now, we would have moved on and learned a thing or two. But nope, apparently not. So I can officially declaire that history is indeed repeating itself, as predicted it would, years ago when I was at school.

Protected: What I’d love to say, but can’t

November 4, 2018

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Something else to say

November 4, 2018

It’s thirty-one degrees Celcius outside today. Wow, that’s fucking hot! I didn’t know it’d be so hot today. I felt really hot before, so I wanted to check the weather to make sure it’s not me getting sick. Yea, it isn’t! It’s the bloody heat outside getting into this house. The aircon is on now so it’s all good. I’m about to eat breaky and read a book, then I’ll be watching Netflicks for a while. After that I may just sit and write a private blog all day and speak to Tori if she’s not doing anything.

I’m going to touch on a subject that people have written about quite a lot. And that’s taxi drivers not accepting service dogs. I can’t go into too much detail, but basically I was in a taxi a few nights ago, and another passenger was accused of animal cruelty by the taxi driver. Except that the cab driver had the hide to abuse me and say nothing to the passenger. I told him not to complain at me because for one the dog doesn’t belong to me and lastly, I can’t be responsible for other passengers, let alone my friends with their guide dogs. So I reported the taxi driver in when I rang the taxi company the next morning. The next thing I know, Guide Dogs rings me the next day to ask questions. They know the dog doesn’t belong to me, so enquiring if I have a dog is a bit stupid, but I guess Guide Dogs had to make enquiries because somehow the taxi driver incident became an animal cruelty complaint. Don’t ask me how, I don’t get told anything like ‘Hey! This taxi driver told the taxi company to complain about a guide dog user’ and things like that. So I don’t know everything. What I do know is, somehow the report about a taxi driver making up crap about someone’s guide dog, turned into a complaint, so now Guide Dogs has to investigate it because it’s their policy to take cruelty complaints seriously even if it’s discovered that the taxi driver is either lying, or doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Hey, if Guide Dogs does find issues with the guide dog user, excuse me but I can’t see, and I clearly don’t know everything about everyone. I can’t determine if someone is being cruel to their dog just by being friends with them. The only way I’d know is if someone behaved badly in front of me, and I’d say something like, ‘Don’t you think the dog is hot/thirsty by now”‘ or something of the like. I’d let the friend know that I’m just trying to be helpful. If they don’t want help, that’s fine. If I’m truly concerned, I’ll ring up Guide Dogs and complain without further discussion. Guide dog users have the right to know what’s going on around them and to know of any issues between them and other people. The person making the complaint to Guide Dogs also has the right to free speech and to show concern about any service animal/client issues in front of them, so in other words, what the person making the complaint, sees happening. That person has the right to speak up as well.

I told both the taxi company and Guide Dogs that due to the fact that I can’t see, I don’t know when someone is being cruel to their dog most of the time. Many years ago I rang Seeing Eye Dogs because I was with another person when they forced their poor dog to lie on hot concrete while waiting for the train. It doesn’t take having vision to hear what was going on. So yeah, if I’m certain that animal cruelty is occurring, I’ll report it in. So I told the taxi company and Guide Dogs that unless I know for sure that someone is being cruel, I’m not going to put in a formal complaint. And I told the taxi company that if the taxi driver is so concerned, to call Guide Dogs and report his concerns to them. So whatever occurred after I hung up from speaking to the person at the taxi company, it has turned into an animal cruelty investigation, all because the taxi driver doesn’t want dog hair in his car. He complained at me that he can’t pick up other passengers while there’s dog hair all over his car. And his judgement is that the passenger isn’t looking after the dog properly. I’m pissed off over it because most labrador retrievers lose heaps of hair, some more than others. So I feel certain that nothing will come of this investigation unless I don’t know something is wrong and Guide Dogs finds out. Guide dog users don’t want issues when they get in a cab and then a complaint is made, but I basically tell people that unless they do something wrong, just forget about it. If there’s any training issues Guide Dogs discovers, just go with the changes to training and report your issues you have with these changes, and you’ll be fine and the situation will work itself out. If the cab driver is lying, he’s gonna get the sack. I just find it ridiculous that taxi drivers will try to get Guide Dogs to take dogs off of people just so the taxi driver can have his way and not have to deal with dogs getting in his car. He’s a dickhead.

Technology and other things

November 3, 2018

I haven’t done too much of late besides sit around and play with my phone. I did go to the library today but this is because I didn’t want to sit at home. I used the Wi-fi network so I can reduce how much network data is milked from my phone. I did a lot of reading, surfed the Net and used YouTube for a while. I’m surprised that YouTube Live doesn’t work properly on Wi-fi but over my own data, it’s perfect. I find this very weird. What I did finally get working was the speak screen feature. With voice-over turned off, you swipe two fingers down from the top of the screen and Siri reads whatever is on the screen, including a book. I discovered you can lock the phone, and even use voice-over while it reads independently! This is amazing. I’ve changed the Siri reading voice to Karen because I hate the other Siri voices. So I will assume that I can turn voice-over off, put earphones in, and listen to my books without interruption as I walk around or travel. I’m surprised how quickly I can get through a book when Siri is reading without any interruptions that are typical of voice-over! So now I can effectively listen to music and read a book at the same time, if I really wanted to.

I’ve decided I’m going to sit and read for two days, tomorrow and Monday. I have lots of food in the fridge to eat, plus I want to read as much material from Borrowbox as possible. Borrowbox is an app for smart phones which allows you to read books in electronic format. You just log in to your local library and you’re able to read all their books, including audio books. I don’t read the audio books, I’d prefer voice-over or Braille over a boring book narrator. So anyway, I want to get through a really long book. Then I’ll re-borrow a few other books one by one, until I’ve read them all. I still like iBooks, Apple Books as it’s called now. You can buy books and keep them forever. And there’s a new free book every week. I’ve got nearly three hundred books. I’ve got heaps of unfinished books to get through, and hundreds of new books. I think I’ve developed a reading and writing adiction. Lol the librarians aren’t concerned about this at all! I guess you can never read and write too much.

I tried to sign up to an IFTP site. Tori sometimes does recordings on the site and posts them to her blog, but when I tried to sign in with Facebook, the site kept rejecting me. It just wouldn’t let me in, and when I tried to create a good password, that didn’t work out either. I literally couldn’t create a password because the IFTP site didn’t accept it. So I’ve given up on it. So I think I’ll stick to doing YouTube recordings and WordPress blogs. Actually, what I can’t understand is, why won’t Facebook allow me to publicise my blogs in my profile? It’s still a fucking Facebook page6 I have to say, Facebook sucks sometimes. They bloody take over people too much. Facebook needs to get a grip. At least my blogs go to my Twitter page. It’d be nice if Facebook would be reasonable and allow for more Internet platforms in profiles. This is how I’d get more blog traffic. As for anyone who may get offended at my blog posts, get over it. I didn’t make your decision to read them. And who are you to decide what posts I make private or public? Who do you think you are? This is my blog, I’ll do what I like with it. So if ya don’t like it, shut up with the complaining and enjoy the posts, or piss off and find another blog. Why don’t you take control of your own blogs before controlling other people’s blogs? Anyway, with that out of the road, my day went well for me. I got back in touch with Stephanie and Tori, so all good. I won’t speak to a few other people though, I can’t bear the shit fights and bullying. So I keep away from those types. I’ll be going to the shops on Tuesday, I need to buy a packet of chips. I need to clean the place up a bit so my grandparents don’t make me really angry with their whining and moaning when they come around on Wednesday. On Monday I need to see what’s going on with my NDIS plan. For the rest of the week, God only knows what’s going to happen. Most likely I’ll be at the library, or sitting at home drinking coffee while I delve into half a dozen books. Yep, what a life! Well I have to finish writing. I have nothing else to say, not in a public post anyway. Some things I don’t want people to read for legal reasons.

What I’ve been up to

October 30, 2018

I’m back. I haven’t written in here for over a month. I think I’m suffering from writer’s block. I do have plenty of time to write, but sometimes I just don’t want to and at other times I just can’t think of what to say or where to start. I do feel that I’m gonna take ages to write this post but I guess that’s just how it is. I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About Guide dogs and what they’ve done for me so far. About how slow NDIA is with their organisation and processing of information. About how I have to find a qualified doctor who isn’t an illegal worker or impostor, who can genuinely care for me in sickness and in health, who knows how to fill out paperwork properly, and can administer humane treatment to all patients in their care. It’s understandable if patients deny their own care, we can’t change everybody. But for a doctor to deny someone medical care and treat someone inhumanely is a criminal offense as far as I’m concerned, and utterly disgraceful. We should bring the death penalty back so people who get a medical licence in order to harm others can get justice handed to them. But anyway, I digress. I’ve been thinking about going on the hunt for a real doctor so I don’t have to go to the hospital to see one. Now I do realise that corrupt people work in hospitals too, but in general doctor’s surgeries, there seems to be a lot more of them. Don’t get me wrong, but if a medical person works in Australia, they need to hold a legal visa and worker’s permit, and they need to speak and understand English in order to work here, let alone to be an Australian citizen. But anyway, I’ll be looking for a proper, genuinely qualified doctor who can fill out any paperwork properly. I have a great ophthalmologist, so now I need a great GP. I can’t believe people can still get away with working illegally in Australia and I think it’s ridiculous that people can still get false medical credentials. But oh well, yeah… I’ve also been thinking about the friend networks I’m developing. Oh yeah, and I’ve been considering going through the process of changing care providers. Centacare started out really good. But for some reason a glitch has occurred in the system and now they’re not helping me. No NDIS funding or anything. I’ll be getting Guide Dogs to help me sort something out if something isn’t done about Centacare within two weeks. The other thing I plan to do, but this will be slow going if I do go through wi6h it, I want to hire a solicitor. Watch this space, that is all.

I’ve been going out a lot lately. I’ve been going to a hotel for dinner every Wednesday night for the past two weeks. I may not end up going there every single week, buut I’ll go there most weeks. There’s other groups happening on a Wednesday night which I’ll be joining as well. Actually, I’ve signed up to heaps of groups on <a href=”http://www.meetup.com”>/<a/&gt; So I’m really getting out and about now. My social life started to improve when I met someone who I knew from Audioboom, three weeks ago. We met at the local library. We decided to become friends and she showed me this website. I haven’t looked back. I just hang out with this person whenever I feel like it. Of course this is how I am with all my friends. I also discovered how to upload audio from Recorder HQ as public so anyone on YouTube can listen to it. I’ve put my YouTube channel in previous posts. When I eventually get Wi-fi I’ll be fixing up my widgets so you’ll se my YouTube channel on the sidebar. So life is happening. I’ll be going out for dinner on Wednesday night, and the next Wednesday I want to go to a rock-climbing event to see how I like it.

I’m back. I did an audio recording for YouTube, ate breaky, and made a second cup of coffee after having a cup of water. I watched an episode of 13 Reasons why on Netflicks. Apart from TV, Netflicks is the best app ever! I’m currently doing my washing as I sit around having a lazy day. I flossed my teeth, something I detest but I have to do it because eventually my mouth gets sore if I don’t. I need to book an appointment with a private dentist soon I think. I’ll be taking Valium and getting my teeth cleaned and possibly some work done on them, something which isn’t funded by Medicare. Medicare only funds emergency care, so if I want ongoing medical treatment, I have to pay for it. If I want Medicare to fund it, I have to fill out a form with evidence that without treatment, my life will be shortened drastically, and I have to prove that I can’t afford ongoing treatment. I won’t go down that route unless I really have to. I’ll get my dental care sorted so I don’t develop complications, and I hope to God I’m not sent to the opposite side of town for treatment because I’ll refuse to go back and forth from appointments if I’m not booked into a facility close by. I wouldn’t even allow Centacare get involved with my medical care this year, I told them and Guide Dogs that I’m ok with suffering so long as it’s not life-threatening. I don’t want medical assistance to recover or get well unless it becomes absolutely necessary. Vomiting and diarrhoea isn’t included as a need for assistance for example. I need to actually get dehydrated before I’ll allow medical attention. The same goes with pain. If I can walk around, I’m fine. As soon as I can’t eat or drink, I’m ok until I realise I’m not getting better, or if I’m in too much pain to get out of bed, or if I collapse and can’t get up. But just suffering in general isn’t enough for me to seek medical attention. As for pain relief, I’ll only take it if I physically can’t function without it. Suffering from pain isn’t an incentive for me to accept help that I think I don’t need. When I see a new doctor, I’m going to try really hard to lock myself out of any medical care deals, even though I know I need my teeth fixed and I need to stay healthy… I just don’t want non-emergency medical care. I don’t believe that sickness and suffering leads to enlightenment or anything like that, I just want to deal with things in my own way. So yeah, if I’m expected to follow doctor’s orders, it won’t be happening if I have to go out of my way to get to their facilities. I’m too selfish for my own good I know, but I live my life to suit me and I won’t have anybody ruin my schedule except if it suits me to interrupt it, or if a medical person can ligitimately convince me to go out of my way to accept medical care. I know all the bullshit crap about medical care keeps us healthy and prevents or lowers the risk of disease, blah blah blah. But my understanding is that we’ve all gotta die of something one day. But after digressing a lot, what I wanted to say is that I wouldn’t allow for any medical support; I don’t need someone with a Master’s degree to tell me what I already know. I can help myself, thank you. If I want assistance, I will ask for it. So yep… I’m still alive and I probably won’t die if I don’t report minor problems to the doctors. If any doctor tries to make me accept what they think of as reasonable and necessary treatment, I’ll just say that the issue(s) are just short-term and not life-threatening. If they become life-threatening, then that’s when I need help. I’ll then shake my head while saying ‘yep… Ok then… Cool6’ while intentionally disregarding any medical advice.

So the point I’m intending to get at with all this is that I’ll jusd get a doctor to fill out paperwork and I’ll fly through the apparently necessary checks just to pass the paperwork on and get what I need done for my own life. I guess I’ll see what happens when it comes to booking a dentist appointment. Getting me to trust medical people is like trying to tame a zebra, it just won’t happen. Besides all the crap to do with doctors – the money-hungry bastards, I’m doing fine. I’ll be using the talking scanner today to read mail and my food processor manual. I guess I’d better put my towels in the dryer… I’m just too lazy at the moment. I can’t decide whether to put my aircon on or not. One minute it’s freezing cold, the next minute the town is plunged into a hot oven! Fucking scary I must say. I can buy a whole heap of prepared foods from Coles now so I can keep myself from burning out because of the weather, which I’m happy about. The supermarkets really have improved on their food preparation for elderly and disabled people. My next decision I need to make is whether or not I’ll walk to the shops. I need to get salad for making chicken wraps. I suppose I could get it tomorrow. I don’t cook much any more, I either eat salads with meat and/or some type of bread, or I go out to eat or get cooked food delivered with Uba Eats. But we’ll see. I’ve been reading a heck of a lot lately as well. I need to read some books on Borrowbox at some point too. I may end up renewing them all so I can finish them. I’ll also think of a lot more to say for this blog, I just can’t think right now. Plus my phone needs to be charged so I’ll just do some chores for a while before I get back to finishing this post.

I’m back after doing some audio recordings and listening to Netflicks again. I’m in my room, thinking of what I should eat tonight. I spent all afternoon struggling through 13 Reasons Why. I got through Season 1, but Season 2 is taking forever for me to get through because it’s so tough! People getting raped, attempting suicide, etc. All because one girl killed herself and the high school is trying to implicate the parents while doing nothing to help the rest of the students through grief. I know it’s only a movie, but the shit that people act out makes me feel ashamed to be part of the human race. I feel certain that school bullying still goes on in reality. I’m definitely sure that nothing is being done about it. I’m also certain that domestic violence isn’t frowned upon. It’s a normal part of society whether we like it or not, and no amount of education and lobbying against it will change a thing. People in general are naturally violent. Of course there are individuals who don’t accept domestic violence and some people aren’t violent at all. But generally speaking, our society is violent. I also think that crimes are easy to get away with. Not just because of a movie – which of course movies do in a way highlight reality. It’s just that movies are usually dramatic and so reality is quite different, which we all know; But I still feel that criminal behaviour is easy to get away with. I think sexual assault and murder are the two easiest crimes to get away with. They’re the only crimes where you can leave no evidence to make those crimes unprovable. I also believe that people use mental illness as an excuse to do the wrong thing. I think people know what they do and assume that if they pretend to be mentally ill, or they try to use a diagnosed mental illness to explain their crime, that they can somehow get away with it. I’m also of the belief that education doesn’t help anyone unless they want help. You can give someone every reason in the world to change, but they won’t… Unless they really want to change. I reckon suicide prevention is a fass too. People only commit suicide if they really want to. If they don’t, maybe they’ll attempt it and then change their mind, or maybe they just won’t do it. But suicide prevention doesn’t fix anything, it only works on people who don’t want to die. If someone wants to die, no amount of persuasion will change them. People only change their mind if they work out for themselves that they realise that maybe they want to live. But anyone looking to succeed in dying will ensure that they can’t backpeddle. Then there’s the people who want to live but it’s too late for them to back out. Well, it’s too late so such people can never come back to tell us what they knew whilst dying.

I’m going to the library tomorrow. I decided to stay home all of today. I’ll be listening to Netflicks and reading all of tomorrow afternoon. I’m going to eat before I leave home. I plan to stay at the shops all afternoon and leave at a bit after five o’clock to pick up my friend so we can go to a hotel for dinner. I don’t know what I’ll have, but I plan on eating very little for lunch so I’ll be hungry. Next week I want to go to a rock-climbing group so I’ll have to eat two hours before I go so I won’t be too full when I’m climbing. I’ll have plenty of food ready to tuck into when I get home from the outing, and for all of next week. I don’t know what I’ll do for the rest of the week. Most likely read every day no doubt. There’s a lot of books I want to get through.

August 29, 2018

Plans have changed again. I put my shoes on with the intention to walk to the shops so I could sit in the library. But instead, me and K went to a really nice fish and chips shop and sat around for two hours. We talked to a friend who lives in this area of town, where this shopping complex is. I’ve been there lots of times and I’m going back there in two weeks. Me and K and N had a good laugh. To not confuse anybody, I’m using first initials instead of the full name. So the name Justin is j, Lara is L, Wendy is w, and so on. I just used example names. Anyway, N has some mental challenges but she’s lovely and we always have a joke and a laugh. Her husband, D, is funny as well. D turned up just before five-thirty. For dinner I had a toasted crumbed chicken and onion sandwich and a cup of chips. K had Calamari and chips. I had orange juice, a bottle of water, and a bottle of chocolate milk. I was full after that! I nearly bought a two litre bottle of milk, but have decided to buy this tomorrow afternoon.

As we were going to the taxi to go home, R, the cab driver, asked me if I’d allow J, neighbour in our unit complex, to come along. He was apparently upset and on the verge of crying. I said no way! I’ve had it with J and his bung-on crap. He can squeeze out the crocodile tears all he wants. He needs to learn to stop being a pest and begging the neighbours to wait on him hand and foot. He has carer support, he can fucking well call on them!!!!!!!! We are NOT J’s care workers, are we? He may misunderstand a lot of things, but he certainly knows and understands very basic things, like asking his carers for help. He free-loads and I DON’T like free-loaders!!! I’m very angry at J and W, J’s stepdad, for what they did and how they acted last night. I’m cut off my friendship with them for now. If they want to treat me like I’m judgmental, GOOD! Everyone is judgmental in some way. People will say ‘oh, don’t judge me! I don’t like feeling judged6’ Ok? So you’re ok with people judging you, then? But it’s never ok for others to do the same to you? Well, take what you dish out. W and J judge people all the fucking time. What do they especially W, expect in fucking return? All of this frigging bloody ‘don’t judge me’ mentality, really stinks and is a sucky attitude attitude to have.

I feel like my day has run quite smoothly. I’m happy to have had a productive day. I’m tired now, so I’m going to write for a while and then I’ll read until I go to sleep. I think my support worker is wonderful and I’ll be booking her in again, in two weeks. I’ll be buying new clothes. I’ll be going back to this fish and chips shop too. I love the people who work there, they treat everybody well and the place is always packed. There are breaks in crowds for a couple of hours in the afternoon, but lunchtime and dinner is very popular. I hate the take-away places in my suburb. The food is burnt or undercooked. At this popular fish place has really yummy fish, the chips are crunchy and very hot, and they sell hot cooked chickens too. Next time I go to the shops I’m buying some chicken. I love their hot chickens! I like going to the butcher there, they have lovely thick slabs of steak. Steak is my favourite meat second to chicken. Crumbed steak is at Number 1 with crumbed chicken. The blokes who work there are so funny too! I think this place is really relaxing, and even N, who has a lot of issues and gets upset easily, finds this shopping complex to be relaxing and a fun place to hang out. I feel like I’m escaping from reality. I’d go there every day if I could. Any escape away from these units and away from the neighbourhood crap is better than being stuck in the house. I came here to live peacefully, not to fucking beg for protection and sympathy when I’m in trouble from bloody pesky people. I like attention, but it’s nice to get attention is happier ways, like having a cup of coffee at the shops or hanging out with nice people. Protection is nice too, in a way. But not when it’s necessary for my safety because of bad neighbours.

I didn’t continue to write because I was falling asleep and so I read for a while before falling asleep for the night. I woke up once to get a drink but that was it. I woke up at six o’clock this morning and put the heater on. Nine degrees C! I’ve got the heater on 30 degrees at the moment, just until the house warms up properly. I’ll turn it down in a couple of minutes, to about 25 or 24. I’ll get my breakfast ready before the plumber comes over. When he sets up my water purifier I’ll check it out, then will drink a lot of water! I found out yesterday that some people can tolerate the tap water. Lucky them. I can’t tolerate it. I just drink for survival purposes. I’d prefer boiled water, but I’m not always near a kettle. So I can’t wait till I don’t have to endure drinking hardwater any more. It’s now nearly 7 am, so I’m off to eat breakfast and turn the heater down to maintain this cosy, warm atmosphere without it being too hot. So I’ll be back later to write more.

It’s nearly eight o’clock. Fifteen minutes to eight, to be precise. I’m giving the plumber until nine o’clock to get here and then I’m calling the company to find out what’s going on. I’m drinking a chocolate-style coffee while I write. There’s a few things to set straight here. I had to delete some comments on yesterday’s post. I didn’t like where the discussion was headed. I dislike people relaying messages from others. I don’t want messengers on my blog thank you. Sorry to offend, but if you can’t write to me and you need someone else to do it, please don’t write. I don’t want to hear what you think someone else said, or what you feel they may think of me. Please, just write or don’t say anything. What I can’t tolerate, and I never will, is when I defend myself right or wrong, think what you bloody will – if I defend myself when someone argues at me for writing something they didn’t like, don’t blame me for arguing. So if the scenario goes:

Person: I’m really pissed off and I could really smash someone right now!

Me: Oh true? Why are you shitty?

Person: Yeah, I’m sick of so-and-so bossing me around all the time!

Me: Well tell them to stop being so frigging nosy then!

Another person: Excuse me, but Person (1) doesn’t need your two cents! Butt out!

Me: Oh come on, I was just saying what I think because it’s how I see it.

Person (2): Well mind your business and stop arguing!

Me: Ah hang on… Person (1) started the conversation and I was just responding! I have a right to voice myself too.

And so forth, on it goes.

But this is an example scenario of an argument starting up and I happen to get blamed when I never meant for any shit, just a discussion for God’s sake. I just hate it so much when people think they have to jump in and shoot me down in flames for saying something… Wrong! Geeze, if I interjected a conversation like that, most people would tell me that this isn’t my discussion to get involved in. This is why, I’m of the opinion that people don’t really care about anyone but themselves. Not EÂERYBODY, just, most people. It’s all about me, myself, and I, to the expense of others. You get this drama everywhere. All I do is fucking voice myself like everyone else, and someone will tell me indirectly that I’m wrong! Well I know the commenter who attacked me yesterday never read my comments because one of their messengers did it for her. Oh well, now I’ve deleted some comments because by then, I was starting to get angry, and I don’t want to ruin my own blog lol! I’ve followed this person’s blog by the way. They may come across as harsh and aggressive at times, but then life sucks for them too. So you can hardly blame them. As for this other lady’s blog I don’t follow: I never once thought the blog isn’t a nice place. I’ve stopped following the blog because I dislike how she treats fellow bloggers in comments when she doesn’t see eye te eye with people. If you disagree with a comment, delete it! I’d say everyone has the right to their opinions, just don’t run people into the ground… But then we all say harsh things sometimes. I think it’s safe to say if someone wants to hear your thoughts about a subject, either don’t respond, or expect some people to take you wrong and just don’t respond to the harsh comments. I think it’s ridiculous that people have to jump up and down because they don’t feel comfortable with opinions they disagree with, yet they will voice their opinions no matter what. I’m sick of this drama. It’s time to talk about something else.

The plumber is here. He’s trying to turn my water off but there’s no separate tap to turn my water supply off. It’s ridiculous really. All I need is to have my water purifier installed. When I find out how the water is turned off here, I’m going to write it in my phone. The plumber also told me not to worry about the water purifier, it’s just a simple filter change every year. And if something goes wrong, I can just get someone to fix the filtration system and it will be fine. I agree that it’s ok to check the PH level of the water, but I’m just not going to worry about it. The plumber said I shouldn’t have any issues if I haven’t heard any complaints from other people who have water filters. My purifier is working fine so I had a massive drink and now I’m sun-bathing outside. I chitchatted to the neighbour for a while and now I’m just sitting here for a while. I’ll be walking to the shops soon. The plumber told me to use the water filter a few times today until I’m sure I’m satisfied with the taste of the water, so now it’s fine so I can walk to the shops and come home to an enjoyable massive drink again. I actually feel alive now. Like I’m finally able to get enough water and it’s not a chore to drink a cup of water any more. I’ve had enough of the sun so I came back inside. I put filtered water in the kettle earlier so I can have a cup of coffee later with pure water.

I’m going to put my phone on the charger for a while. I’ll walk to the shops and eat lunch and I’ll spend time at the library. I’ll come home and enjoy a good meal of chicken and salad and a large full cup of clean water. I hate how the water pressure is shit, but it’s how the building is set up apparently. So basically it can’t be fixed because it’ll cost thousands of dollars to fix. It took an hour for the purifier to be installed too. At least it’s done now. I can drink water without chlorine and dissolved mud in it. I don’t feel terrible when I swallow it so I find myself chugging it like I do with any other delicious beverage. If anyone is worried about drinking too much, well it doesn’t bother me. I eat plenty of food and a fair amount of salt so I’ll be fine. I just won’t wait till I feel thirsty to get a drink. I can just drink whenever I feel like it. I think diluting yourself with too much water is bullshit. You’d have to stuff yourself with big lots of water all at once to do that, and drink only water without a consistent eating schedule. Like seriously! Healthy people who eat good food regularly and don’t go hungry for too long or eat very little, can drink a lot of water and still be all right. My personal concern is getting sick and going on a drip from not enough water. That’s just as dangerous as drinking way too much, but drinking not enough water is extremely common and lots of people end up in hospital over it. But these days if we’re at risk of drinking too much, there’s different formulas we can add to our cups of water to suit every individual’s needs.

A fun outing!

August 28, 2018

My support worker will be here soon. I did a lot of reading, so I’ll write for the rest of the day. I have a lot of stuff to get off my chest today. For one, how can people say in a blog comment, that suicide is irrational, and yet the same person admits to feeling suicidal sometimes? I just can’t fathom it. And, what irks me is when people speak on someone else’s behalf when commenting. Ah, come on! I’m sure people can speak for themselves! Like, if someone says something I don’t like or agree with, I can speak for myself. I don’t need other people to help me bully someone into not voicing their mind. But that’s fine. All I will say is, people need to have a look at themselves before judging others. It’s even worse when people who don’t like being judged, coose to start judging! Look, if you want to judge me, do it in your own blogs. I know we all judge other people sometimes. But telling other people that they’re wrong is hypocracy. The comment that was made at me this morning about suicide being irrational was totally disgusting. It’s not that this blogger was entirely wrong. It was how she worded her comment that got me. Yet this person doesn’t like reading harsh comments. Well, she needs to stop being so aggressive if she wants respect from other people. This comment:

“Unfortunately feeling alone and suicidal doesn’t come with the ability to think rationally. Even though this friend may have done it as a cry for help instead of intending to die, it doesn’t make it any less serious. We all do shit, unreasonable things when we are desperate. Eileen is suggesting that Carol Anne sets a boundary, not tell this friend that she is a terrible person!”

probably was just this person putting their views across. But excuse me, I also have the right to say how I feel too, and this really made me feel, right or wrong, that I was being put down for saying what I said. The fact is, if this commenter can tell me that it’s not about making someone feel terrible, well she certainly acted the hypocrite by making me feel terrible! This is NOT the same as stating an opinion. Everyone reacts differently to suicidal people, so this person shouldn’t expect any differently from people who react to her. I’ve unfollowed this other blogger because she allows people to argue but doesn’t people defend themselves. I guess people have to paint a pretty picture when they do something wrong. It still doesn’t change the fact that someone reacted badly to my comment, but in this lady’s blogs, she wants everyone to stop judging her. I guess these two fellow bloggers didn’t like it when I showed them the mirror as it were. Ah well, moving on.

I had a great day today! I bought a a bottle of lemonaid and I also got my food processor. I told the Good Guys staff I’d be back for the TV because I need money for the plumber tomorrow. Then I got some underwear and went home. We talked about all sorts of things. Cultural differences, customs, how people live, this support worker’s favourite TV show where people have to survive in the wild for twenty-one days, and so on. I’ll be booking more time for a longer outing next time. I need to buy more clothes. I also need to keep away from the units as much as possible. I can’t wait to go to the library this arvo. Oh damn! I forgot to charge up the bloody battery pack! Oh well… I’ll think to do it later of course. Lol that depends on how much later haha! I also have to email my NDIS plan manager to get a copy of my plan. I’m very pissed off about it now. I’ve gotten nowhere with them! I’ll email them when I go to the library. I need to be away from the hose so I can’t be distracted at all.

I decided to get the email out of the way. I didn’t need to write a lot, just that I need a copy of the NDIS plan. I bet it’s gonna take another month just to get a copy of the plan because a million people are asking for the same thing I guess. Anyway, I’ve done my bit so I’ll give NDIS till next Monday morning before I give them a ring. I let the Guide Dogs admin team know so they won’t be too worried for the time being. I also decided to try pouring myself a cup of milk before making hot chocolate. That way I can just tip that milk into a big cup without wasting too much milk by accident. For a change I didn’t stuff up! I spilled a small amount of milk, but this is to be expected when I can’t see that I’m spilling something. I’ll be walking to the library soon to read for a couple of hours. Tomorrow morning I’ll get my water purifier installed and I’ll be set! In a couple of weeks I’ll order the saucepan set and I’ll ring Life Tech to order this stovetop gadget for holding pots and pans in place. I don’t know how good it’ll be, it’s strange how I can’t just do an online order without ringing them. Hopefully I get the right gadgets. That’s the trouble with ordering stuff without getting a feel of it first. You never know what you’re getting yourself into, until it’s too late. So I hope I’m not making a mistake. I suppose it’s a good thing I’ll be ringing this company to see what they’ve got to say.

About to eat… And having a good morning

August 28, 2018

It’s freezing outside at the moment! 13 degrees! I’ve got the heater going, I need a warm house. I’m about to have a feed, but I don’t know what I want. I did a bit of reading this morning. I also decided that one of the blogs wasn’t worth keeping up with any more as some people who comment on that particular blog, are bullies. Yeah, they’d turn around and just say they were just stating their opinions, of course! Someone decided because they’d disagree with me, they’d try to push me into believing I’m wrong. The tone of the comment was nasty, so even if the person was just stating an opinion, it wasn’t done kindly. So I got rid of that blog because I won’t have people starting arguments and then blaming me for it. If anyone makes snide remarks or uses unkind tones in their comments here, they’ll be deleted before any fights start. I do appreciate the lovely comments so far! We all have our own opinions and ideas at the end of the day. The only thing I need to sort out now is getting a doctor who knows how to help people correctly, and my O and M lessons to get back on track. As it is today, I feel pretty good! I just needed to warm my unit up a little.

Time to settle accounts

August 27, 2018

I’m going to write whatever comes to mind tonight. I have done a bit of reading, I found a new blog, it’s really interesting! I decided to go to J’s place before eating some chocolate and going off to bed. He just had to have dinner at my place. I only discovered today, that J can’t even heat a meal in the microwave. His stepfather, W, has told J many a time to thaw his frozen meal before heating it. But he, and no one else, can reason with J. J is severely intellectually impaired, worse than my friend K, to be honest.

J’s behaviour tonight was my last straw. He has two care organisations helping him. One of them isn’t funded by NDIS, the other one is funded. W, like me, is totally blind. He tries to help J as much as he can. But J really needs more help and support than he’s getting. If I hide, by preventing J from getting through to my phone, or disappear without saying anything to anyone, W will ring me and tell me that J is lonely… When will I be home? If I say oh I have no idea… W will say in the most upsetting tone, ‘Well, J has been chomping at the bit all day wanting to know when he can see you6’ I just can’t win. I feel like I’m not J’s or W’s friends at all, that they’re just taking advantage of me. W whines and moans about J’s other blind friend (J isn’t blind), yet if his friends don’t help him, W gets offended because he’s sick of listening to J whinge at him.

I feel that if I say something to the effect of ‘W, deal with J yourself, he’s your stepson’, and W rejects me and decides he isn’t my friend, that I won’t give a damn and that W was only ever my friend because he could get something out of the friendship. I hate people like that! It’s like W can’t be my friend unless he can use me for his own gain. I think I may have to block his and J’s phone numbers. I don’t think W is a true friend. He knows his stepson is mentally challenged but makes a hundred excuses not to be responsible for him while at the same time not giving a fuck about how J is affecting the rest of his neighbours! W doesn’t care if he’s not disturbed, but as soon as W has to put up with J, he acts hard-done-by as though J’s friends are deserting him and especially W, to make us feel bad for J. Yet W should be the one to feel bad, not the rest of us. W wants me and anyone else J begs assistance from, to feel bad for J just so W can feel good that he doesn’t have to be responsible for J, because then W doesn’t have to listen to J’s carrying on or put up with J’s behaviour, then he can admit that J has a disability and in the next breath, deny having to look after him. Fuck w! Fuck him so much!!!!!!! He’s a fucking selfish bastard and I shall block his number tonight! As I think about it, crying as well right now, I think W just pretends to be my friend just so I feel sorry for him. If W gets offended at me, I’ll just say to myself, oh well! W was never a true friend at all.

I rang someone who is a taxi driver and I told him all about what is going on. I did this like, an hour ago now, I think? Something like that. So I told the cab driver that he really needs to help me do something as soon as possible because I’ve sent an email to Centacare tonight. The cab driver said this was unbelievable. I said yeah of course it’s unbelievable, but it’s true! I find this situation to be ridiculous, not just unbelievable. J’s mental status is deteriorating, and when I told him tonight that he doesn’t need help from his neighbours because he has carer support, he got all upset and shouted NOOOOOOOOO! No! I texted W about this. No reply from him. What A stupid fucking dickhead! I’m sure W loves it when J hassles other people in different ways! It’s fucking all about fucking W feeling so Goddamned happy to be at peace because he knows J is upsetting me and other neighbours and fucking W gets upset/offended when we tell W to do something about J!!!!!!!! That’s it! I’m going to say what I have to say to W, and block him off. Then anything he says at me, I’ll take no notice of.

I’ve done it. I’ve just sent an angry text to W. He needs to hear it from someone. He has palmed J off to other people for as long as I’ve lived here and this has been two years. I’ve had enough of W crying poor and sympathy all the time when all he needed to do was ring up a care organisation and ask for help for J. W just wanted to get upset and make out that he couldn’t get help for his stepson just to get attention!!!!!!!!!!!! Well I won’t help those who don’t want to help themselves! J is disabled but he has carer support. W isn’t needy at all. He just won’t fucking ring J’s carers and let them know what’s going on. I just fucking can’t believe it has come to this! I guess I’ve learned not to take bullying lying down. I’m starting to hit back now It makes me feel like a bitch I suppose. But maybe I’m not being a bitch when I’ve tried to nicely point W in the right direction for almost two years and he won’t fucking listen, instead he makes a million excuses and claims I don’t understand whenever I tell the truth, that he needs to control his stepson. So tonight I did. I told him the truth, I told W to deal with J himself. I feel shitty now but I don’t feel like I did anything wrong. I just feel shitty because I became friends with this person who never really wanted a true friendship, he just wanted to take advantage of me and use me for what he could get. If you don’t sympathise with him, you’re the worst person on earth. I’m glad to tell you, now I am the worst person in W’s mind. And, I don’t give a fuck.

Sometimes life stinks

August 27, 2018

Well here I am! Wondering about my quality of life. wondering if I can manage or if I should put myself in a nursing home. Or, it just from being too distracted? If not, what else is wrong? I sat around for a while before going outside. Then me and K started talking and she came over. We had potatoes and lamb chops so she wouldn’t have to worry about a meal tonight. At the start all was well. I got us tea and hot chocolate. Too much milk and not enough hot water. I let that slide.

After our first drink, I made another one. I had to throw a cup in the bin because there was a crack in it. I quickly cleaned up. All good. No more washing till Thursday. All good there! Next: Make a hot chocolate, then I realise: I didn’t boil the jug first after refreshing the water. I poured the old water out and put new water in. Why did I then think I’d boiled the water? What!!!!!!? I’d been in the kitchen at this point for thirty-five minutes doing the dishes while K talked on and on. The issue isn’t that K doesn’t talk about anything different. Every day never changes; K talks about the same old thing. Over and over and over again. There are intermitent changes in topic, but usually the same discussions are repeated like Groundhog Day. I can’t blame her, she litterally has no life. She’s severely intellectually disabled and although she can speak, you can’t have an intelligent conversation with her. K will listen to other conversations that people engage in, but she rarely keeps up. She does try really hard to keep up with the rest of society, to no avail.

The last straw for me was pouring cold water in to my cup of hot chocolate. I told K that I hope Diabetes isn’t slowly coming on, and also that it wasn’t something else, but my brain just was not working any more. I had to break the news to K that I want to wait till Friday to speak to her. I had her understand it wasn’t her, it was just me needing time to myself. My brain had quit at that point so I forced myself to dry alb the dishes. Then I slowly made a new cup of hot chocolate, and finally made it properly. I can’t decide if it’s me not concentrating properly or what it is. I’m wasting my time going to the doctor because I asked about it a couple of years ago, and I’m sure I asked a few times before that, just at random times you know… And the doctor just says oh, well we all forget things. The rest of my family and most friends agree with the ‘diagnosis’. J wonders if my brain is working too, but then he says later, that I’m fine and just don’t worry about it. The Centacare people have seen what I’m like, and they put it down to just having to remember too many things at once and doing too much without pausing for a minute or two, and the fact that I’m not seeing what I’m doing so I can’t just look to remind myself. And maybe other people distract me without knowing it. Yeah true, but I can’t be rude to people, can I? I don’t know really… I had to admit today that I’m only capable of helping one person at a time. So maybe next time I’ll do peoples’ food and drink separately and see how I go. It may take longer but I’ll try out the idea and see if I concentrate better.

I rang K to let her know of my idea. She’s concerned about me as well. But if she comes around on Friday at four o’clock in the afternoon, I’ll test my idea when Stacey is here too, just to be sure I can work myself out better by preparing one meal and drink at a time. I’ll be ringing Pizza Hut and I can’t wait to eat pizza! I won’t be cooking much this week. I’ll only do simple things like fried meat and boiled vegies. I’m refusing to do anything difficult until next week! My brain has to get around all this food preparation crap before I jump into deep water. I really need Guide Dogs to let me know when they’re starting cooking classes so I can enroll. I will never know if the classes will benefit me until I go along and see what happens. And hey! If it comes down to me stressing out, then that’s something isn’t it? Maybe I may have to ask people to stop talking to me while I’m concentrating so I won’t make heaps of mistakes. And I hate to have to do this, but I may have to measure milk into a jug, then put that into my big cups of hot chocolate to get the right amount in my drinks every time. What a lot of mucking around! But sometimes you have to change how to do things in order to succeed.

I think I may just go to bed soon. I have nothing else to do today. I just have washing to tumble-dry, then I’m sorted for the week. I’m so bored because I can’t walk around. But at the same time I just want want to go to bed and read journals and crap all night. Crap as in, any old shit that I find on the Internet, my iBooks, etc. If J calls me, I guess I can walk up to his unit and chitchat. Êut he’s always with that other freak, V. She doesn’t like that he has friends. Well tough luck dog! Anyway, she’s not in my life, so who gives a fuck. I like my friends so I may just decide at the last minute not to go to bed. But who knows?

I’m planning on going to the library on Tuesday and Wednesday. I’m going to charge up my portable battery for my phone so when I’m at the shops for lunch on Wednesday, I can buy a bottle of water or something else depending on how much water I’ve consumed, then I’ll relax for three hours at the library. I want to get a lot of reading done. I have a lot of iTunes books which I haven’t finished reading yet, so I want to get through as many of these books as I can. Next Tuesday I’ll check out YuouTube videos, and if I don’t find anything interesting, I’ll go to the Watch Later section and listen to some videos and delete the ones that no longer interest me. When YouTube has done its dash for me, I’ll just go back to the books. There’s no point in buying a whole books if I’m not going to read them. Next Wednesday won’t work because of O and M, but I’ll go to the library most weeks on Tuesday and Wednesday until my plans change once more.

27 August, 2018 13:31

August 27, 2018

I boiled three potatoes to have with a lamb chop. This time I didn’t do anything wrong. The spuds were perfect and I microwaved the chop for thirty seconds which warmed it up well. So I’m fairly full now. I’ve put the other spuds in the fridge for later. I don’t know what I’ll have for tea tonight. I thought of having scrambled eggs again, but I don’t think so. Maybe I will change my mind later. I’m trying to keep eating normally, but in a way that helps me lose weight because I’m putting it on far too quickly. I’ve got it a bit more controlled now but I hope I don’t make myself sick. I just eat a lot more vegies with small amounts of meat and not too many biscuits and cakes.

I had a fight with Guide Dogs this morning. I found out that my O and M program had to be re-opened because of the staff shortage and a long client list. I’m sure every client wants lessons to start up this week, but they couldn’t get everyone in at the same time. So I had to repeat myself a few times to explain that I don’t have more than one travel route ticked off and this is a big concern for me. My O and M instructor got back to me immediately and we’ve set up an appointment for next Wednesday. My next fight was over the NDIS shit that needs sorting out. Guide Dogs are taking over now because the fucking Government ain’t taking me seriously. They’ve intentionally underestimated the amount of funding for my O and M program despite me giving a detailed explanation to the NDIS team. It’s like if you’re working for a company, the Government loves you. If you’re a disabled person, the Government is like, get stuffed, I’ll just take what I want from the discussion so long as you’re seen but not heard. I was quite angry actually. I told the instructor it’s not her fault and I wasn’t swearing at her. It’s the NDIS people who I’m swearing at, at which point the instructor got upset as well and said that it’s fine, she’ll sort it out. We would have preferred that I sort it out, but I haven’t gotten anywhere with NDIS so Guide Dogs is going to have a go at them now. It’s sad when you need a company advocate to call the Government out when it does something wrong. Very fucking crappy. We all use email, how difficult is it to send a bloody letter via email? These other portals are shit and I don’t want life to be so complex when it doesn’t need to be. Just send a stinking email for God’s sake! It’s like the doctors saying they can’t say I’m totally blind because they don’t know my eye history. Guide Dogs isn’t asking for a history. I can’t fucking see so there’s nothing else to be said! Do the doctors think I’ll suddenly wake up with vision tomorrow? Medicine isn’t any better than it was sixty years ago and the doctors wonder why people distrust them. We go to the doctors to get help, not to pretend we’re sick to look for drugs! Why would I vomit everywhere and then say, hey I enjoyed that. I’m just looking for drugs! If I was that sick in the head I’d happily vomit at home, wouldn’t I? And, if I didn’t want to look for drugs at the doctors, hey, I’d just stay home sick and I’d happily, or miserably, depending on your idea of thinking, refuse treatment. I don’t need to be crook to look for drugs. I can just ask for medicine without having to put on an act. But I don’t do that. I just get whatever medicine I need and if I don’t want it I don’t take it. But if I’m crook and the doctor doesn’t recognise that I need help, either they’re a con-artist registered as a doctor or if they’re a real doctor, they’re heartless and are only in it for the money. I still consider those doctors to be fake as well, because they only went to medical school so they could get access to vulnerable people because they’re easy to abuse and victimise.

I can’t wait till tomorrow! I’m going to get the food processor, bring it home and take the rest of my books back to the post office. I won’t get any more books after that. I have plenty of books to read in my phone. I hate Vision Australia, the sooner I get rid of them, the better. I can get better quality products from overseas. Everything I’ve bought from VA has suddenly stopped working. They sell crappy stuff at really exhorbitant prices. I didn’t put Transit Care in my NDIS plan either. They have a stupid system where you’re the only one allowed in their car. So if someone wants to go to the same place as you, you still have to go separately in another car. So I didn’t even comment about Transit Care. I know Centacare is similar, but at least with them, you already know before you register with them, that they won’t pick up other people along with you unless you make a special arrangement with the head office. With all this shit discussed with Guide Dogs staff, we’re now going to resume my O and M program and Centacare will keep helping me according to my weekly needs. I just use taxis when I need to go out at a moment’s notice and I use Centacare for everything else. I think I’ve got a good set-up going with them now so I just have to keep reminding the head office to keep my program as it is with the same support worker.

I’m going to read blogs for the rest of the afternoon. I also want to think of more writing topics because I’ve witten so much lately that I’m starting to develop writer’s block. I don’t want to repeat myself every day and make my site appear boring. I don’t mind writing about my routine so long as I can write about a different subject along with my usual routine stuff. Actually, now I’ve just thought of it, I’d better jot my thoughts down before I forget. I wanted to talk about how blindness changes people. My view, of course.

Over the years, I’ve been told things like, ‘maybe you’re anxious because you can’t see.’ ‘You’re blind, that’s why you can’t cope with life sometimes.’ ‘You wouldn’t be the same person if you could see.’ The ideas just keep coming. Well, let me tell you, blindness has nothing to do with personality. I’m sure blindness does have an effect on people. But I don’t believe that we’d be completely if we could see. For example, I’m a fussy person. I make sure all the dust is cleared off the bench before I consider it to be clean. If I could see, I’d most likely be the same, because vision and cleanliness have nothing to do with each other. I do worry that blindness affects how well I clean my bench space, but I still expect it to be clean regardless of my blindness.

I struggle to cope with life sometimes, and although blindness causes me to struggle at times, generally speaking, I struggle to cope for more reasons than just being blind. If blindness was my sole reason for coping, I’d never breathe let alone get out of bed. If blindness was the only reason for the way I am, I probably wouldn’t even be here. There’s lots of TB people who smoke and drink. I do neither. Some TB people have kids. Not for me thank you. Some TB people have no care in the world and nothing phases them. Not me. I want everything fixed and I’m not a patient person. I believe people tie blindness to the way people are because they won’t accept that blindness is a disability, not the person. Disabilities do create limitations, but they don’t change people entirely. Hey, I could smoke if I really wanted to, but eeeeeuuuuuuu! I hate the idea of smoking and even with some people getting me to smoke indirectly by holding their cigarrette at me, I still fucking hate it! Obviously not everyone meant to hold their smoke at me, but anyone who did mean it quickly discovered their mistake. The only things I can’t physically do because of blindness directly, is read print and do visual inspections of the environment. If I can’t use my hands to explore my surroundings, that’s when I feel completely stuck. And I need someone to read labels on products and boxes, instructions etc. But apart from that, I can do almost anything.

Hi guys!

August 26, 2018

Well, guess who I am! Well if I haven’t told you yet, I am Troy! I am Mum’s retired guide dog. I guess Mum has told you guys a lot about me. But I haven’t written od here forever and Mum has let me write because she knows we miss each other soooooooo much! I retired back in 2016. I didn’t know my harness was being taken away till that lady left and Mum showed me later. (Note: guide dog trainer from Guide Dogs.) I wondered why the lady had to keep reassuring Mum for? What?!!!! I wasn’t going to leave!!!!!!! Anyway, when this lady left us and made sure Mum would keep looking after me – why wouldn’t she? – I felt ok and Mum wasn’t stressed. She acted stressed for a few weeks before my retirement, but when the lady came to say I was retiring, Mum was ok with it. I supposed she decided that I’d worked for a reeeeeeeeeeeeally really long time so it’d be best for me to enjoy myself just like any normal dog. Wait! When was I not a normal dog? Ah hang on… Normal dogs don’t have special priveledges. Woops I forgot! Anyway, I was allowed to be just like my other friends who aren’t guide dogs. I found it quite fun actually! I wasn’t used to being just a dog. Oh, I was always a dog! Ah well, never mind… Oops, I got distracted just then… Woof! Oh, I mean… Um… Oops.

I’m going to talk about what I could do that other ordinary dogs couldn’t do. That’s right! I’m not considered to be ordinary ha ha ha ha ha ha! So yeah, I’m extraordinary, I guess. Anyway, before I digress a lot, here’s what I could do. I was born somewhere in New Zealand. Yep, I’m a Kiwi! I only became an Australian citizen when I was eight weeks old. I wasn’t born in a back yard. I was born in a special place only reserved for working dogs, the ones who help special people!!!!!!! I thought I was just a doggy… Woops wait up! Ah, a doggy? Anyway, whatever that means… I thought I was just um… Oh forget it! I thought I was just going to someone’s house until I had to do a lot of complicated things. I thought all puppies got to walk upstairs and downstairs! Wrong again! Only working dogs could do all these new and exciting excursions. I had to play with bells, tunnels, gravel, rocks, sand, slippery and rough floors, hot, warm actually, but hot to me… surfaces. Oh and there’s too many other things I had to do! Geeze I didn’t know life with people could be so demanding! Sssshhhhhh! Muuuuuuum! Oh well. She never heard that. Heh! Ok so I had to do a lot of things. I had to run around. Yeah, but all dogs run around! Wait a second! Do they? Ah well, I was running and jumping and playing. I loved little dogs and big people! Why did I love people so much? I also loooooved playing with the pups and dogs. Aaaahhhh, I’ve just said that already, um, no… I forget. The vets really liked me. And so did the other people who tested us. I was very very very very active… But I wanted to be friends with everybody so I was a good little boy! I went ALLLLLLLLLL the way over to Adelaide! I didn’t know I’d have so much fun there. I can’t understand why I was fussed over so much before I left New Zealand. But everyone juuuuuuuuuust had to make sure I would be ok to go all the way over to Australia without getting hurt or sick. Are you joking? I was fiiiiiiine! I didn’t want to leave my friends. They were just like me, but sadly some of my pals didn’t make it. Why not? Why did I only get to go overseas? Maybe some other puppies came with me too, but I can’t remember. But some of my friends had to learn how to be… Ah, what? They weren’t allowed to learn how to be good pups or something. I can’t work that out. But I was considered to be a ‘good pup’ whatever that means, so I went to a wonderful lady’s house.

At this lady’s house, she and this other man had to teach me a looooooot of things! I was really playful and loved making a lot of trouble. I almost didn’t make it to big school. But I didn’t understand big school, I was too young then. All I knew was how to litter the house with bits of garden and… Oops. I was taught how to say please and thank you, the doggy version that is. I found it very difficult at first. The lady and man found me to be a big handful! But they loved me a lot so they did their best to show me the house rules and how to behave like a… I think a person? No? Um, well I was still allowed to do some doggy things when I wasn’t with my foster Mum and Dad, and sometimes they would encourage me to play and run around under strict supervision. Oh, yes. They had to teach me how to be nice to everybody, I wasn’t a baby any more so I had to learn that biting was forbidden. So was jumping on furniture and on the bed. I had to learn not to rummage through the garden, but seriously I can’t heeeeeeeelllllllppppp thhhhhhaaaaaaattttttt! I had to learn not to chew things. I had to learn to sit, stay, lie down on command, go outside to wee and pooh on command, I had to learn how to settle myself – geeze that was a chore! I had to learn about buses, cars, shops, etc. I had to learn that only special dogs could go to these places. Dogs who couldn’t help special people weren’t allowed to go into public places. After a year I got another test.

I still loved people and dogs. I loved learning new things although I had a reeeeeeally hard time sometimes. But I did try, and I won! I was very healthy and all the people who dealt with me thought I was a star. Wow! A star! It was time to go to big school. I don’t like changes very much, but after a time I do get used to new situations. I just needed time to adjust. I eventually loved big school and I loved learning how to use a harness and take people where they wanted me to go. I found it challenging and sometimes I got frustrated, but I worked through it and eventually I got tested again. I did really good helping someone! They pretended to be blind but never told me. Dolp! Why didn’t you tell me you could see and I would have insisted on walking with a REAL blind person! But oh well…….. This pretend blind person didn’t seem pretend at first, so I thought that they needed help, so I did everything right just for them!!!!!!!! I thought they would take me home! But nope. Not this time. I had to be tested a few times just so everybody could be sure I’d help my real person one day. The day finally came. I got in the van, thinking we were going for a drive as we usually do. But I noticed something different about the air and got super excited. I just couldn’t figure out what was up.

I found myself being taken to totally new place. There were other people there. Then I saw two ladies. Why was there another dog? then one of my teachers took me to the other lady, told me to lie down, and handed her the lead. I decided this lady was just pretending to be blind. Unfortunately, this time I was wrong and I noticed later that she wasn’t looking at me, even when I got her attention a bazillion times. Now what? I wasn’t used to blind people! Only the pretend ones. Me and my new Mum had to get acquainted with each other. Mum and her new friend had pizza but I wasn’t allowed to have any. But… Mum! I love food and you know it! But Mum was firm and wouldn’t give me any. I wasn’t allowed to play with the other dog, either. The next day I realised me and my new friend were learning to be guide dogs for our mothers and we had to do all the same things that our trainers had taught us. I didn’t want to trust Mum, but she was stressing out and I had to learn that this is who she was and I had to get used to it. Later I discovered that Mum can’t handle new situations very well, and I eventually got the hang of making her relax and be happy all the time! Me and Mum had to learn a lot of difficult things. Don’t tell anybody but I’d liked to have trained somewhere better. But I learned a lot and so did Mum. After three weeks of training, me and Mum had to go home on separate flights because someone buggered up the flight thingy. What!!!!!? I didn’t think I’d ever see Mum again! But when I did, I was so glad to stay with her for good. I had to learn how to help Mum walk around without bumping her into anything. Mum had a lot of arguments with her Mum and a few other people about me, heck knows why! All I had to do was learn! Mum found life difficult for a while and I couldn’t understand her expectations properly. There was a lot of bickering, but most of the time me and Mum got on very well.

After years and years in Darwin, me and Mum moved to Cairns. Then I was eventually taken to a new Mum’s place after Mum put me in another lady’s car. Mum didn’t come with me, but she got me to make friends with this lady lots of times so I was ok with the arrangement. But Mum didn’t come. And, where did the bed go? Wait! I didn’t like that bed much! It turned up eventually out of nowhere and my new Mum showed it to me. No, I still don’t like that bed, I just like rolling around, playing with my new friends, and sleeping on the ground near Mum’s bed. I kept thinking that I’d have to help my new Mum, but I kept forgetting that my current Mum can see. I wish I could find my real Mum! At least when I was with her I could help her all the time! Mother, where are yooooooouuuuuuu!!!!!??? My new Mum is really nice to me. She does all the same things that my real Mum used to do. I even had to help my real Mum when I was retired, but she kept reminding me to let her help herself. Well, dah, but you need me, don’t you? Damnit mother, if I don’t help you, you will bump into something! Oh wait, she had that long white stick to help her. Ah yeah I forgot! This lady who took away my harness taught me how to use that stick which scared me a few times. But I discovered it was for her, not for me. I got used to the stick very quickly and when Mum bumped me by accident while walking with me, I stopped so she could move her stick away and she tried to prevent it from bumping my legs. She was taught how to use her white stick differently to how she uses it without me, and eventually I didn’t get bumped any more. But when I retired, I had to learn not to walk over Mum’s stick as I now had to walk beside her instead of in front of her. When I left home to live with my current Mum (I’m sooooooooo glad I won’t get another Mum!) I knew how to walk everywhere still, because my real Mum didn’t let me stay home. She had biiiiiig arguments with other people about that. She had a lot of conflicts with other people because she didn’t want to let anything get in her way of helping me. I helped Mum in return, and now I’m glad I can stay with my new Mum because she says she’ll let me and my real Mum see each other one day! I love my new Mum actually. But that’s because she lets me play with other dogs and she wants to see my real Mum again. I eat the same food that my real Mum gave me. I walk around the neighbourhood and through the park and everything. I’ve always loved parks. I’m happy with how my new Mum looks after me.

Oh that’s right… I was gonna talk about why I like being a normal pet. I didn’t have to ignore other people and dogs. I no longer had to get on the bus. But I love buses! I didn’t have to learn new things. But I love learning about everything! I didn’t have to keep helping Mum. That that was the best job in the world! I didn’t have to be stressed. Well, I did a lot better in Cairns. Honestly I did. The weather was better and Mum didn’t have as much trouble with her family. (Truth be told, I made sure Troy didn’t see when I was arguing with my family, that’s why Troy didn’t sense much trouble.) I liked it better there. Mum made a lot of good Friends and I liked her friends too. I even liket the police man because he was so nice to me and every time I saw him, he petted and played with me so I didn’t think he was big and scary. And he was nice and friendly to Mum too. He lived in a unit next to our unit. Geeze, these little houses are strange! But it was a good little house! Then Mum moved to another little house. And that’s where I retired. We were in Mum’s new house for nearly two years. My new teachers were really strict and had to keep teaching Mum a lot of things over and over. They said that sometimes Mum confused me without realising it. But I got used to how things were and me and Mum got on very well all the time. Mum kept going on and on about never moving back to Darwin. She’d only stay in Queensland. Ok? Whatever. But Mum knew what was best so that made me happy. The teachers (O and m instructor and guide dog mobility instructor) had to keep reminding Mum that difficulties do happen and they don’t stay difficult for ever. I know what Mum is like, so I just kept acting stupid until she forgot about it. Let bygones be bygones, as they say. I hope my real Mum gets a new friend. I want to meet them. My new Mum will be happy to meet my real Mum’s new friend too! Then I can tell my new friend all about life as a guide dog. I wonder what my new friend will think? My real Mum’s new trainers will be at her tail for sure! They want to make sure my real Mum’s new friend doesn’t make too many mistakes and lose their job. I had difficulty keeping my job for a while, so I don’t want Mum’s new friend to have a lot of trouble too. Apparently Mum will figure it out, she will just expect the new guide dog to do the same things, except that my real Mum will have to get used to a new personality and different habits and quirks. It will be his or her turn to find out how adventurous my real Mum is. They will go on escalators, in the lift or elevator, call it whatever you want, they can get in taxis, trains, and the buses. They can go into restaurants and shops. They can go to all the places reserved only for special dogs. Secretly, I’m still special, you know! I have to go now. Thanks for listening!

Time to vent

August 26, 2018

I cooked lamb chops for dinner. They were delicious! There’s only one thing that failed me, and that was a little too much oil. While I felt that the scrambled eggs were delicious mixed with peas, corn and onion, I did not like that each mouthful was dripping with grease. Next time I’ll use a lot less oil, as I couldn’t finish tonight’s dinner, I ate some of it and threw the rest in the bin. Luckily J had brought some cooked fish home. Now I’m going to whinge. Today was a rant and rambling about this and that. Tonight is a vent.

As much as I love cooking, I hate how something ALWAYS goes wrong. It’s like clockwork. I don’t know a time where I did everything right. Roast chicken? Chicken too dry, but nice. Steak and vegies? Steak too cold after sitting on the bench for nearly half an hour after being cooked, while I wait for the vegies to steam till cooked. Chops and eggs? Replace with bacon, if you will. Too much oil. Curried sausages? Serve out a meal and some other people if they want some. Food spilled all over the bench and sauce a little runny. By the way, I don’t cook slow cooked meals very well either. Too little flavour. Too much liquid. Time to start spewing now… But actually I won’t spew. I just hate doing something wrong… Every. Single. I. Cook! My mouth doesn’t even taste like food. It tastes like oil. I could eat a better take-away meal. I’m hoping I’ll cook properly one day. I’m going to whinge for two hours at the OT about this.

I’m going to steam some potatoes to go with my chops tomorrow. I can’t possibly get that wrong! I’ll cut a sweet potato and two normal potatoes and steam them. I’ll have that and see how I go. I can’t eat a full meal any more because I don’t like how I cook. I wonder if a lot of other people are in the same boat? But still, wasting a meal you only like part of is pretty disturbing for me. I’m glad I take Vitamins now. I’m probably full of oil and I wouldn’t be surprised if it turns to concrete one day. I hope it doesn’t sit in my intestines for so long. I’m starting to wonder now if I should continue to cook. I can do everything well except I can’t tell how much oil is going into the pan. Oil tastes yucky when there’s too much of it. I could use no oil, but then the food sticks. I just can’t work out how much is too much, until it is too late of course. I hope next time will be better. Maybe I should practice the same meal over and over again till I get it right. Since this is the case, I shall skip out the potato, and I’ll try my hand at scrambled eggs with peas and corn and onion. I hope I use not too much oil. I hope I’ll be able to eat all the meal without feeling squeamish.

Actually, this is my biggest problem with being TB, it takes me twice as fucking long to learn anything. I’m sure that’s why some people think I’m intellectually impaired. This isn’t the case however. I have to learn everything by feel, and because I I can’t see anything, I have to use my hands to explore everything. So I miss a lot of information. I spill things. I fucking drop and loose things! God fucking damn it! That’s blindness for you. Maybe a few of you know what I’m talking about. What I really hate is that I cope so well until something happens and the world as I know it, crashes around me suddenly. I seriously want to smash my head against a brick wall when I fail every day. We’re supposed to learn from failure. But in my case, I physically can’t learn! I can’t see so I keep failing, all because I can’t tell that I’ve poured the oil too quickly, or I’ve poured water from the kettle and it has totally missed the frigging cup or mug! Stuff like this really pisses me off. I’m sure if any of you were to try a meal, you’d most likely gag and throw the food away. There would always be something to complain about. I know it should be as easy as saying, ok then, cook it yourself if you don’t like it! But it’s not. I really do fuck up my meals. Even when I make hot drinks, I stuff up. I get chocolate or coffee all over the bench. I can just imagine my veins all full of rubbish right now because of how I eat meals with too much grease. I hope my arteries aren’t dirty because they’ll need to be cleared out so I can live till I’m a hundred. I’ve read some recipes in an old Braille cookbook, and man some of these foods sound like mouthfuls of grease to me! I’ll only try making a few of the recipes. I don’t like dried-out shit, but greasy food is crap too. The fact that I feel like I swim against the current every day because of blindness really sucks too. I’ve been completely blind since I was born but I still bloody struggle. I feel like I’m only doing well according to my circumstances. If I could see and I made all the same mistakes and struggled just as much, I’d be considered low-functioning. So that should tell you something. If only I could take photos and show my OT all the shit she doesn’t see! Ah yes! She will see me bugger up with the oil when I fry chicken schnitzel. I hope she has a trick for greasing a pan without pouring too much oil out at once. I really fucking hope so! I just want to cook properly, that’s all I’m asking for. I cooked a good potato bake last week. I hope the next one is just as good. I just want one cooking expedition to go right for a change.

My favourite recipe: lamb chops with scrambled eggs and vegies!

August 26, 2018

Ingredients:

Lamb chops (amount to choose based on size of family)

Frozen peas and corn, about a cup, less if just cooking for yourself, more if you’re cooking for a bigger family

Approximately 4 eggs, less if just for one person or more for a bigger family

Other vegetables such as potato, pumpkin etc, choose amount for size of family.

Method:

1. Cook your lamb chops on medium heat in a frying pan for fifteen minutes on each side, ensuring the chops are laid as flat as possible in the pan.

2. Fry your onion and peas and corn after removing the chops. In the meantime, set your other vegetables in a saucepan/steamer to boil/steam them.

3. When Onions and peas and corn are softened, fry them for another 5-6 minutes.

4. Crack open your eggs and pour them from shells into the pan, and scramble on lower heat.

6. When you’re sure the eggs are done (approximately 6 minutes), gently pour your eggs and vegies over your plate or dish with the chops in it. Scrape everything off the pan.

7. When vegies are steamed/boiled (soft when stabbed with a fork), serve onto your chops.

8. Bonappetit!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rambling… Rambling… Rambling!

August 26, 2018

I’m in my room with my phone on the charger so I won’t run out of battery power while I write. I’m going to be writing up a storm, and some of this rambling on will be a little controversial for some viewers. God, how many times have I cautioned people of late? Oh well… I guess everyone who reads this blog will have a slightly different take on what I write, be it positive or negative. So to spare anybody any unnecessary grief, sometimes I let people know in advance to consider what they read because they’re guaranteeo stumble across something they disagree with or may not like to see, so I’m hoping most people would read my blogs with the knowledge that I’m not trying to raise anyone’s expectations. These are just my writings no matter how many facts or opinions or convictions I present.

With the usual bookkeeping stuff out of the road, I was checking out the App Store. I found a brilliant word count app. Go <a href=“Free Word Count by Curious Kiwi Co.

https://itunes.apple.com/au/app/free-word-count/id991265606?mt=8”>here</a&gt; to check it out. I only paid two bucks for it, I don’t know what the cost of US or Brittish pounds would be, sorry guys! But you can change the settings to suit yourself. It lets you count words and characters so you can use this app for whatever you want. I prefer to write in the notes app and copy and paste text in case something goes wrong. I like how you can get an idea of the time taken for someone to read your block of text. When I’ve done some of my entry, I’m going to paste it into the text box in this app, and I want to see how many words I actually manage to write up in these massive raving posts lol! Not that it really matters, but I get curious about things.

I had wheatbix and a cuppa a while ago. I took my vitamins which are a lolly form. I love how medication is turned into lollies and other sweets so you can’t tell from the taste that you’re taking medicine. The less stress, the better. I spoke to K for a while, then we decided not to go to the bakery today because of the weather. I’m out of money anyway, so I get more time to write and think so I’m happy to just sit around for now. My tongue ulcer is gone, and that virus thing that got me on Friday has gone away. So I’ll be walking to the shops every day again starting from Tuesday afternoon. I like to go to the library every Tuesday and Wednesday so I can read and listen to YouTube videos. Oh yeah, that reminds me I have to ring Guide Dogs tomorrow. On Wednesday I have to be up early for the plumber. No more putting up with disgusting crappy town water. The only reason the water is drinkable is because the water is treated with chemicals. The dirt isn’t even filtered out. You don’t notice the dirt because it’s dissolved into millions of atoms in the water, but you are guaranteed to find dirty stuff left behind if you evaporate the water. The chemicals make the water undrinkable as far as I’m concerned. The term ‘drinkable’ has a catch to it: you won’t get bacterial and viral infections from it. I can’t wait to drink chemical-and-dirt-free water on Wednesday. There’s a high chance I may go into shock from drinking so much because my body may not be used to such a large amount of fluid going into my system. So I may just make a couple of sandwiches to go with my cup of water. I tried purified water from my friend K’s place, and I couldn’t stop drinking it! I had three little cups (standard 250 mlkind). So when I’ve got my purifier installed, I’ll have to take it easy for three days because I will no longer have to force-feed myself e.g boiled water for cups of coffee and/or milo etc, pretending that ‘fresh’ water has medicine in it, then holding my breath as I force-chug it down… Yeah, the water is fucking disgusting! I don’t like drinking chlorine. The water is so chlorinated that it may as well be chlorine. And the texture of it is like drinking fucking metal, and it tastes so dirty, I could drink drain water and wouldn’t know the difference.

I’m testing my word count app right now and it’s awesome. I’ve got nearly 800 words in this post, there’s gonna be four times as many words by the time I’m done with it. Wow, I have so much to write about today that I don’t even know where to start! So I guess writing about my views on religion and morality may be a good start for now, and whatever else comes to mind as I’m writing will come more naturally. Usually my posts do turn out ok in the end. The Pope is just one aspect of religion that I’ll touch on here. What it comes down to is, it’s all a hype. The Pope may serve a lot of people well, but for me, he’s just another person with a list of beliefs he subscribes to. At the end of the day, we all adopt some type of belief system, whether it be philosophical or religious in nature. This is how we become who we are. I think most of uses religion and philosophy to excuse a lot of what we do. For example, we excuse suffering and cruelty while abhoring the very same thing in animals. We wouldn’t want our pet cat or pet dog to suffer, right? So we do everything in our respective power to comfort them. When we fail, we put them to sleep. Polite words for killing them. You can name death whatever you want, it’s still death. Yet when it comes to humans, our favourite deity forbids killing others when they suffer. People have come up with a lot of ideas about excusing cruelty.

1. When our beloved pet(s) can no longer cope with life, we euthanise them humanely. I do think that cruelly euthanising any living thing is wrong, by the way. But my point is, we euthanise our lovely animals if they suffer too much. We excuse allowing people to suffer by saying it’s God’s will to keep people alive. In other words, God is sadistic. He must like cruelty. Oh, God doesn’t like suffering because this… Because that… And because otherwise… It’s all about the groth factor, getting stronger with your current faith, learning something new, becoming enlightened. You can go on and on, really. So we make up a lot of wonderful excuses to paint pretty pictures over the cruelty we inflict on others, but will not allow our animals to be treated with such disrespect and unkindnes??? Please explain?

2. Religious leaders claim that euthanasia of people allows for medical people who subscribe to this practice, to target elderly and disabled people. Yes? Do we now think the same about our pets? Or is this just another excuse? In all walks of life, someone will deliberately do something wrong and will eventually learn that premeditating crimes doesn’t get you anywhere. The same goes for the medical profession. Doctors and veterinarians can use euthanasia for the wrong reasons, but this doesn’t make it entirely bad. Those particular medical people are bad apples, but euthanasia like any medical treatment, is beneficial if used correctly. So think of our animals. Oh and the humans as well.

3. Why is suicide not legal? Once again, religious excuses. Anyway, who gave the rest of the world the right to decide our destinies? The law essentially states that our world governments own our bodies. Well I’m here to say, no they don’t. It’s only illegal to commit suicide because it’s the only way for our local governing bodies to control us. In reality, so long as you’re not hurting anyone else, you can do whatever you want with your life. But as a society, we try to discourage suicide because we don’t want to miss the person we love so much. I don’t deny that myself. I don’t want people to kill themselves either. But at the end of the day, people have the right to end their lives whether we like it or not. The governments of the world have made suicide illegal, even though the law doesn’t come into it. I certainly don’t believe in encouraging suicide, that’s like killing someone. But I _o belief in the right to choose hen to die. I think there needs to be some control, like not killing yourself over a job loss or relationship break-up, but if it’s more serious than that, make your decision very carefully before _oing it. I’d say the same about euthanasia.

4. Governments decide on whether euthanasia is good or bad. Once again, when did God die and make anyone the boss of our lives? Sure, taking a person’s life just because you don’t like them is disgusting. But when someone is suffering and we say, ‘stay alive just for us’, we are just as disgusting. Unlike animals, people can make the choice to live or die, so if someone chooses to live, let them live peacefully and relieve their suffering as much as you can. But making laws and statutes just to keep people alive beyond their capacity to cope with their circumstances is cruel. I can’t think of another word for it.

No onto my other massive rant which has been cooking in my brain for like four days now. It just needed to wait for the right time to come out, I guess. Medical treat. Yes, the right to choose treatment options and the right to refuse treatment. For so many years now I’ve firmly believed in the right to accept or refuse medical treatment. I believe quality of life over quantity. If a medical treatment is going to ruin your quality of life, then you need to decide whether the treatment is for you or not. Me personally, I only accept treatments that will increase my quality of life. I won’t just take medication for the sake of treating an illness or a disease. I need to be comfortable while I’m on it, or it’s going in the bin. The doctors can label me as non-compliant until the cows come home. If they won’t help me with my quality of life, I’ll be even more non-compliant. I don’t take meds to ‘get well’. I take meds for as long as I’m comfortable on them, and getting well would be the main goal. But if medicine or other treatment options are going to make me crook, vomit etc, no thanks I’ll just live with my original problems until I find a treatment option that suits me. In an emergency situation it’s hard to be comfortable; you’re kept alive in the short term with whatever you’re given for the time being. Once the emergency phase is over, I want to get control over my medical treatment as quickly as possible. I don’t believe medication is for everyone. Some people tolerate different medicines better than others. At the end of the day, some people benefit from medication, some people don’t. As for any other medical treatments, there’s heaps of reasons why people may or may not accept medical care. Some people just can’t cope any more. Some people simply don’t want medical assistance and treatment because they don’t believe in doctors. It’s up to the individual at the end of the day. What I really detest are doctors who think they’re God and somehow know more than everyone else. So they may care enough about people to tell them to stop putting up with their issues and try to save everybody. That’s fine to feel that way, but please, we all have choices to make and we’ll accept treatments when we are ready! Me, you, anyone, that is. People don’t need a doctor to jump down their throat. I fear that my future doctor will freak out and use nice, smooth words to convince me to get thoroughly checked out because of a foreign doctor who tried to kill me by abandoning medical care without my consent. I guess he or she may give me so many incentives to accept their treatment avenues such as any specialist testing or some other type of treatment system. Well, I suppose if the doctor can keep me comfortable, then maybe I will work with them. I just don’t them to control and run my life.

It’s lucky I drafted this post because we did end up going to the bakery. This gave me, K and J to talk about things we didn’t want neighbours to hear. Now K is making a complaint about an incident that happened over the weekend and I came back home to make a hot chocolate for me and K. She’s at a neighbour’s place to get him to help write up the complaint. He’s a board member at this complex so he attends meetings and such, and this person helps people from time to time I found out from J just now that K is about to come over. Anyhow, we talked about a few things and then I asked J and K about what they think may happen when my new doctor discovers that I’ve been telling the truth all along and the other doctor has told lies in order to harrass my regular GP whom I don’t see any more. They were both shocaed like hmmmmmm!!!!????? Like, what!!!!! Yeah, the GP surgery I no longer attend will be in lots of trouble for hiring fake/incompetent doctors. A genuine doctor doesn’t consider someone to be untreatable just because opoiate products makes them crook and they need other meds with non-steroid painkillers. The doctors haven’t even tried every single opioid medicine with me yet, nor have they tested every single medication that would combat opioid side effects either. And if the docs do conclude that no opioid is safe for me to take including with general anesthetic, this still doesn’t mean I’m untreatable, it means I’d need a totally different class of all kinds of medicines. That is, Panadol capsules instead of tablets, Vitamin lolly form instead of a pill, and the list goes on forever. So I don’t need to ‘stay at home sick in order to die’ at all!!!!!!!! The new doctor will most probably find subcategories of opioids that will make me less ill or not sick at all. Not a problem for me, so long as medicine side effects are manageable, I’m ok with it. What I’m not ok with are doctors who over-treat or under-treat, and then bully their patients. What do these fuckwits think sick people are going to do!!!!!? Something is going to be sorted out with me and that’s what matters. The past is in the past now.

At least I can say I had a good afternoon. A few people are terrified about me in different ways, but I have plenty of things going for me this week and I have the blogging community to chitchat with every day, and I’ll eventually get my health care worked out better. And I love walking to the shops every day. This weekend I needed a lot of rest so I’m out of sync this week. And there’s also no point in going to the shops when I’ve got hardly any money to buy things. I drank two cups of hot chocolate, knowing that I’ve got a schedule for this week and I won’t feel like I’m isolated and stuck at home. And I need to keep up with my exercise routine now that I’m better. I need ways to keep myself from getting too sad and the only way to preoccupy myself so I don’t get flashbacks is to socialise with other people every day. I have to write in this blog too. I may take a break from writing sometimes, but usually I need to write every day. I’ll be cooking dinner soon which will relax me as well. I’ve given up on audio recordings for now though, most people don’t want to be accidentally recorded so I’ve just given up. The blind community around here knows when I’ve got my phone in use, so I just don’t take my phone out and record because people can hear voice-over. I rarely use headphones because they annoy me when I have to fiddle with them to do a good recording, so I just don’t do audio recordings. The people who can see a little, they can see my phone that it’s recording. So I just stick to writing. I’ll somehow sneak recordings in eventually. Besides that, I’m having a good evening, made sure the whole local community was in the know about my welfare – I wonder why? And I had a fun time socialising all afternoon. We pretty much discussed all the shit going on around here with some people slamming doors all the time and one of the neighbours swearing and shouting when other people are outside talking. The trouble-making bitch needs to leave so the rest of us can live in peace. I’m sick of hearing other people complaining about the inconsiderate woman. considering this tart hates noise from other people, she makes enough of it herself.

Well I’m feeling ok after having a nice sausage roll for lunch and heaps of hot chocolate. The weather is cooling down and my warm clothes are stopping me from getting cold. So I don’t need the heater on at the moment. I’ll be cooking tea soon and I’ll be reading through more blogs. I’ll wake up bright and early tomorrow. I have to ring Guide Dogs and get some more O and M lessons set up. It’s nearly September and I want to get this hairdresser route finished and I would love it if I could get used to the train network by Christmas so I can put my name down for a guide dog at the beginning of next year. I don’t have a problem with taking forever to get the dog because I don’t want the process to be rushed. But I _o want my name on the list as soon as possible. I’ll write about the whole process in great detail I think. I feel certain that even when I’m at the Guide Dogs training centre doing white cane training courses, dog guide courses to improve handling skills etc, I’ll find time to feed WordPress lol! That’s all I do is bloody write! I think next year will be so much fun for me. If the doctors get in my way, I’m going to tell them to fuck off except for if it’s an emergency. This does not include ingrown toenails or teeth procedures. The emergencies I’m talking about are broken bones, heart problems, severe stomach issues, severe dehydration, etc. A procedure to prevent problems down the road is not an emergency!!!!!!!!!! My left eye is an example of a non-emergency case. Yes it needs fixing, but it’s not urgent. I’m going to have as much fun as I can, and if I’m considered unfit, fuck the world I’ll just sit around at home. I’m sure it won’t turn into such a situation, I’m just concerned that Guide Dogs will be very busy and I may go to the bottom of the O and M list. The OT program is fine, I’ve got myself sorted there. What I am looking forward to this week is getting my water purifier set up and pizza night on Friday.

Reading more blogs has taught me a lot

August 25, 2018

I didn’t write yesterday as I was in bed reading blogs and writing comments on posts all day. I was feeling quite run-down and a tongue ulcer was giving me the shits too. So I just took it easy which is rare for me. Yesterday afternoon I snacked on chocolate, cheese and bread. I didn’t want a big fancy meal. I slept well last night, from around 11:30 to 6 am. The alarm woke me up, but I heard rain so I wemt back to sleep till eight. I got out of bed feeling much better and so I had a coffee with jam on toast. I made another cuppa half an hour ago and spent fifteen minutes on the phone to my grandparents. I sat outside for a while to catch up on blogs and I spent all of last night and this morning reading through a couple of blogs because some of these people have a heck of a lot of stories to tell and events in their lives to recount, in great detail! I also gained a lot of perspective when I read one of these blogs for hours and hours. I still have a lot to get through with this blog.

A few entries back, I had it in mind to have a big discussion with my grandparents to remind them that I’m living my life and I don’t need their interference or their harrassment if they can’t get me to agree. They’ve always been opinionated people and they’ve always been prone to outbursts at other people for not supporting them, or if they didn’t want to support other people with situations or decisions my grandparents didn’t agree with. They were the typical my way or the highway people. If anything conflicted with the interests of my grandparents, they had to do their best to make, or force, people to change or agree. You had to just accept the status quo with them, it could NEVER be the other way around. My grandparents especially my grandfather, could never be wrong, they always knew best with every situation and they always had the best life experience, age was always on their side in this regard, for them, everyone around them doesn’t know what they were talking about, etc, etc, etc. They have been this way all of their lives. Our family – all of us, has always had conflict with them. They will even hunt any of us down until they find us if we didn’t return calls. They are still like this. Some of the family has aggressively told my grandparents to knock it off, in which case my grandparents will never speak to these family members again, but anyone they are still in contact with, gets the same treatment.

I know my grandparents aren’t the people in these blogs. I know my grandparents can’t be compared to other people, they will never be like other people. My grandmother and grandfather will never change who they are, they are always going to be unique in different ways, even if most of our family has a love-hate relationship with them. My grandparents are never, ever going to understand differently from their own experiences, they will never think outside the box and think oh, everybody is doing what they want to do and we can’t all think and act the same. No, they will always analyse everyone else and compare people to themselves as right or wrong, agreeable or disagreeable. With that said, one of these blogs has really taught me a few things. This post is going to drag out, by the way. So please read at your own pace, and if there’s anything you can’t handle to read, please skip, or read at your own risk. To everyone else, and I hope this is all of you, please relax and enjoy! So let’s have it: This <a href=“dadsdementiadiary.wordpress.com”>blog</a> really got me thinking about how I relate to other people, especially my grandparents. I know I can’t control everything in my relationships with friends and family, but based on my unique situation with them, I can do things to change the outcomes of my daily interactions with people. This does not mean bowing down to peer pressure or doing what suits other people, or changing my personality to make other people approve me more than they do currently, and I’m not going to change how I live, or move out of my apartment because someone else said so. What I will do, and it’ll be difficult because it means facing a lot of harrassment – is just be myself as usual, and should I face a situation where I must agree to anyone’s demands, or whatever the case, I’ll let some things slide and I’ll be firm at other times.

I’m having a difficult time reasoning with my grandparents at the moment. With the rest of the family I can just tell them I’m fine and we all move on. With my grandparents, saying I’m well thank you, means a lot of things depending on what day it is and what mood they’re in. Everything – well almost everything, has to be a three-hour conversation or a debate and eventually, a cause for creating conflict, such as arguing and bully tactics. Once again every situation is different, circumstances aren’t the same, and so I’m not out to compare myself with other bloggers and loved ones, let alone other people in general. What I am saying is, I can do a lot to change the course of a situation with my overly demanding grandparents. I can’t change them, I don’t have to completely change myself, but I can create distractions and stand my ground and take a breath all at the same time, if I prepare myself before beginning any interactions with my family, especially my grandparents. My mother is a different story, I’d prefer not to speak to her than try to see reason with her because I’m faced with tolerating her or just saying, Mum loo, I need to go now, I’ll ring you next week when we can discuss something happier and we can speak nicer to each other. I can’t stand the vicious cycle of our bad relationship, so I’ve decided to simply stop contact. One day we may speak again, but for now I’m not on speaking terms with her.

Anyway, what I’m doing from now on is not allowing people to force me into discussions I’m not comfortable with. I’m 33 now so I don’t need people telling me what to do with my life, how I’ll live, etc. Legally, nobody has the right to take over my life unless they can get evidence that I can’t look after myself or make my own decisions. I’d be very surprised if any friends or family were to try to force me to change location or interfere in some drastic way, with my life. I’ve got more evidence for my ability to live at home than they have, so they won’t win. My grandparents have hunted me down through the property management when they’ve not been able to contact me. So I’ll not put it past them to cause great difficulty in my life if they get it into their heads to do so. Unbelievable, but this is what they’re like. They’re nasty and are capable of anything. If my grandparents wanted to, they could ring the office management and specifically request that I be moved out of here. I hope it doesn’t come to this, but if it does, I’m bringing Guide Dogs and Centacare into it because I don’t have a legal guardian and without my written consent, people can’t legally make me move out for their own gain. Besides, my family probably won’t take drastic methods to force me to do anything, and if my grandparents do try to cause trouble for me, I’ll be telling every person I know so they’ll intervene on my behalf so I won’t get into a big argument. I will still have my say, but my supporters will basically keep me from being harrassed too much. The next time I speak to my grandparens, I’ll talk as normal, and will straight out tell them that I’d prefer to talk about something else, if they try to get me into an uncomfortable discussion. If they start the fight, I’ll finish it with, excuse me Nan/Pop, I’ve gotta go now, I’ll ring you next week. If they decide to get other family members involved, I’ll just say look, I’ve already spoken to Nan/Pop, they know my position on the matter, and will leave it at that. People can think what they will, and if for some bizzare reason the property manager gets involved, I’ll just say, I like living here and I don’t have any reason to move out. After all that is said and done, I’m simply going to tell the family either to respect that I’m living my life to suit me, or have nothing to do with me. After that I’ll just not have contact with my grandparents should they make a lot of trouble for me. They’ve done it in the past, they’ll do it again. I’ll be continuously telling the landlord that my family knows I’m not living with them and my discussions with them aren’t helping with the situation. If all else fails, I’ll sign up to move into a different unit complex. I don’t like that plan, but I’m not a puppet on a string, and my family has no right to baby me like they do. Showing concern is one thing, but interfering and bullying me is not allowed.

I’m going to send a text to them later. I’m setting boundaries and I’m going to give my grandparents consequences. If they cut me out of their life, so be it. They have no respect for other people even though they deny this flatly. But their behaviour shows it and we all know it. Everything my grandparents does wrong, they deny. So if they deny bossing me around, I won’t be surprised. And so I’ve just sent the following text:

Hi Nan and Pop, I’m glad you had a good day at the markets. Our little chitchat was good too. I appreciate that you get concerned about me, I’m still living my life the way it suits me. I’m capable of making my own decisions thank you. XX

I know they won’t accept what I’ve said, but if they should take legal action against me, I can quickly get Guide Dogs and Centacare to set the record straight. I’m trying to get in touch with one of my brothers so he can talk with the other brother and they can also put a stop to the grandparents’ nonsense. They’ve always been very demanding on everybody but now they’re elderly, they’ve taken this drama to another whole other level. I’m nipping this shit in the bud. I never have needed a legal guardian, and I will not ever need one until I get very much older, or very crook. Let’s hope not the latter.

I’ll be speaking to the property manager this week. He needs to know that family interference is not acceptable, and using exaggerated behaviour just to get in contact with me is off the cards. If the office management hasn’t heard that something has gone wrong with me, then I’d appreciate that they don’t frighten me by ringing me just to say my grandparents want to talk to me. If they were so concerned for my welfare, they’d call the police. What they’re doing is lying, and I don’t like people who lie. Pop doesn’t need to make up stories just to contact me. It’s a very childish way to be. My grandparents are very unreasonable and now they’re losing touch with reality so I’m getting as much attention to the situation as possible. As for me, I’m writing all of these events in my blog so I can get it off my chest and read back over it thinking, what a load of shit this is, all because I’m blind and some family members think I’m not taking care of myself! I can’t believe my grandparents are in their eighties and they’re still at it, trying to control their relatives in any way possible. And they abuse the family, causing people to cut them off, and they never consider that they’ve acted like five-year-olds and created all this mess. Why can’t people just get along? Why do people have to chuck tantrums and boss other people around and abuse them? My family has had it hard at different times because of the way my grandparents treat people. My mother has a lot of issues and so I’ve moved on, and now the family is trying to drag me back into the dramas. No, I moved away. Deal with the dramas yourselves. I’ll speak to some of my family members, but not to those who suck me into their problems. Life is too short to be miserable.

I’M going to the shops tomorrow. I’m sick of sitting at home. I’m taking K with me, whether J comes along is a different story. K Is very upset at the moment. She needs to get out of the house a bit more, and she’s had it with the neighbours. So we’ll be spending an hour at the bakery. I won’t be doing much else until Tuesday. I’m more poora than I was when I first moved to Brisbane. The reason I won’t move back to Cairns is because it’s so boring to live there after a while. And the weather is always hot there.

I can’t wait to get my food processor on Tuesday. I’m going to set it aside so when the OT turns up in September, she can show me how to use it and how to clean it safely. I heard that food processor blades are very sharp. I’m also gonna ask if parts can be replaced. I want to keep that food processor for as long as possible. I don’t want it to wear out after just a few years. When I finally learn how to use it, I’m going to grind up some vegetables to put in the spaghetti. I’ll be making it on the same day the OT comes around. We have to work on cooking chicken schnitzel in the frying pan and chicken breasts in the oven, but I’m hoping I’ve got time to learn how to assemble and disassemble a food processor. Wow, I’ll be cooking every night soon! Once I’ve got myself sorted and I’m confident enough to cook properly without any assistance, I’m going to take an entire afternoon to cook as much food as I can within four hours, then I’ll be packing it up in the freezer to save me from having to cook a meal every night. That way if I still want to cook other lunchtime and breakfast foods, I can do so at any time without feeling rushed. Here I am living the high life and some relatives are presuming that I have no capacity for living independently! I think learning to do my own thing is great, that way I can focus more on developing good relationships with other people and they can help me out of gratitude, not out of necessity. I love assistance from people, I just don’t want them thinking they must help me because I can’t manage my own life. I want help and support to make my life easier, not so other people can say I can’t live my life. Oh well, I’m pretty much sorted. I’ve just got to learn a few extra things and then I’ll be sailing.

Here we go again!

August 23, 2018

I slept fairly well last night. I read blog posts for a while and fell asleep while reading. Eventually I woke up and put my phone on the charger. I slept in till nine-thirty this morning and got out of bed because my support worker was about to arrive to help me clean. She arrived and we got into our routine chitchat. All good. Then the complications started. It’s not her fault. This person is prone to becoming protective when she worries about her clients, which I think is a normal reaction, and so I’m not angry with her. I actually felt optimistic initially, when I asked the lady to help me find a plumber’s contact details, before starting the house cleaning. I had already tried a hundred times to contact a plumber because I didn’t spend $185 on a water purifier to leave it sitting around. The support worker expressed concerns about me spending so much money, but I told her not to worry about it because I know I’m the one who wants the water purifier. She stopped worrying after a while. I’m sure by now, you guys are starting to see where this is heading. So the support worker found someone based in my home suburb, so she used her phone to ring. Mistake number one, she should have used my phone. I’m not blaming her, she can’t be expected to know everything and if I didn’t think to let her know, well that’s my problem, not that I mean to blame myself for that, either. It’s just that if someone doesn’t know what you want them to do, saying nothing doesn’t change the situation. Anyway, the support worker used her phone to ring this plumbing place.

The phone call was answered. The support worker quickly explained the situation before handing the phone over. As soon as I heard the receptionist’s voice, I somehow knew it wasn’t going to end well. As much as it’s wrong to judge a person purely by voice tone, in this situation I just knew that she wasn’t right. Her tone gave me the feeling of being a stuck-up bitch, not right for the job description. You have to listen to the phone call yourself to understand. But because the phone conversation couldn’t be recorded, I’ll do everything possible to describe it.

I didn’t like the way the woman sounded, that’s my point. She asked me what I wanted help with, so I told the receptionist I need a plumber to come around to install my water purifier. In a stupid fucking condescending little voice, the stupid dumbass said that if the landlord won’t ring back to say they’ve got a plumber coming around, then that means the owner of the house doesn’t want me to have a water purifier. What a fucking cunt! I don’t live in a house to start with, I live in a unit. And, I’m not a dog or a minor. I don’t have an owner. The lady initially used the word owner for the landlord. Next, Miss Bitch-face asked me if I’d pay for the plumber to come around, in the sort of tone you’d use to belittle and bully someone. Meaning, she was telling me that no, a plumber won’t come around because she doesn’t approve of me paying for a plumber to install the water purifier. well fuck her, who is she to decide what i will and will not do in my unit? She treated me like I’m not a real person and spoke like she knows she’s not deaf, but chose to use selective deafness with me and acted like she was my mother and not worth her hassle of booking a plumber for me. She basically didn’t pay attention to a single thing I said. Well, why does this shitbag have a job working as a plumber’s receptionist if she’s going to bully every person who rings up to ask for help? She had absolutely no respect for me at all. She then deliberately lied to me by telling me she’d call back in five minutes. Five minutes came and went. I still haven’t got in contact with a plumber and I’m still at Square 1, where I feel like I need to commit suicide because where I’m living now, I feel like I’m just an unwanted object of scorn that everyone hates. I know Centacare will help me because they always have been there for me, besides a few bad apples I’m not associated with anymore. But I know the management people do help me once they get onto my case. I’m going to take legal action if this keeps up.

I just can’t believe that most business people don’t listen to me at all. They hear blah blah blah blah, but not what I’m actually saying. I’m not recognised as human. I’m considered to be an invalid or a little kid for some people. I’m so pissed off about the way this horrible plumbing lady treated me this morning that if she calls back I’ll be making a formal complaint about her. It’s 2018 and people still treat disabled/blind folks the same way they would have treated them sixty years ago. Well I won’t have it.
It’s now ten minutes after seven tonight. My neighbour J who I fight with a lot, comforted me today, along with his carer and stepfather. I whinged and cried about the incident, eventually pretending to bully the carer as a joke when I went downstairs to my unit to get a plate to bring back to J’s place! We seriously laughed ourselves silly. Sometimes you just have to turn the bullshit into something funny. What I did manage to do, was get a good plumbing service set up when I rang another merchant this arvy! They were so nice to me! They made sure I’m allowed to have a water purifier and we set up a day and a time for the plumber to show up. I’m happy with this service so I’m going to keep them. As the saying goes, the squeaky wheel gets the attention. I’m very glad to be getting my water purifier set up next Wednesday and I don’t have a lot of stress on my mind any more. I’ll just have to put off buying the TV next week and just get the food processor. I’ll wait another two weeks to get the TV and the saucepan set. I’ll be buying a new frying pan as well, the tephlon is fucked in this pan. I think once it’s scratched, it becomes dangerous to use. I don’t want to put my health at risk. I really do think my day ended well. A good feed while socialising did the trick, as well as demanding that people help me when I ask for it.. Eventually I’ll be going to a medical centre which is supposed to be really good. I’ll let you know what happens! I like my current support worker and my butcher, so what isn’t broken doesn’t need fixing. I think it’s so fucking that people can be so nasty in any profession! It isn’t just the medical profession that suffers! Bullies come in all shapes, sizes, and from all walks of life. I guess we’re all responsible for our own care and if we’re not happy, we have to keep jumping up and down until somebody listens. At least there are some good people out there. I feel sorry for my poor support worker who had to put up with me today. When things go wrong I get very shitty. I bet she couldn’t leave quick enough. In two weeks she’ll notice how different my life is. Why anybody would premeditate how to mistreat people with disabilities is beyond my comprehension.
CSW: I’m ringing on behalf of my client to ask about installing a water purifier?
Person on phone: Ok. Pass the phone to her please?
Me: I’d like a plumber to be sent out to install a water purifier please?
Person on phone: (Now at this point thinks, oh how can we mistreat and bully this blind person) Ok, so you’re allowed to have a water purifier?
Me: Yes I got approval from the landlord a few weeks ago. I told them about having difficulties finding and getting in contact with, a plumber. He hasn’t gotten back to me about that.
Phone: Oh, well if they haven’t got back to you about it, it means the owner of the house doesn’t want you to have a water purifier!
(Ah, dumbass, it’s a rental unit, not a house! And I don’t have a fucking owner!)
Me: Ah, he did approve of it! Four weeks ago! That’s why I’m asking you to send out a plumber to install it!
Phone: So you’re able to pay for it? And you’re allowed to have a water purifier?
Me: Yes!!!!!!! If I couldn’t pay for a plumber to install the water purifier I wouldn’t have bought one!!!!!!!!
Phone: Oh ok… Well… I’ll ring you back in five minutes to let you know when I have booked that in for you!
(Bullshit!)
so there you have it, a frigging bully who shouldn’t be a receptionist if she can’t handle her job. I felt so belittled beyond belief. I nearly chucked a fit and died over it, but of course my support worker made sure I drank my cup of coffee and she talked with me for a fair while before leaving for her next client. I felt relieved when I finally got in contact with a genuine plumbing service which shows respect to prospective customers. I’ll be thanking them prefusely next week! Poor J freaked out all day, and his stepdad was angry too, when I told him. Businesses have no right to disrespect people and verbally abuse people like that. It’s even worse when people who aren’t known to these business people, are victimised. It shows how heartless some people are. I know what dehydration feels like and I know how much I loathe our town water, so I wasn’t about to give up so soon. I feel rather drained after today, but I know my purifier is being installed next week, I complained at everyone until I found a good plumbing service, and soon enough I won’t cry over drinking disgusting tasting water. I’m not about to lie down and die because a few bullies want to hold me back from achieving some kind of happy medium in areas of my life that needs attention. When I fix problems, I don’t need to stay sad or pissed off any more, and no amount of bullying will stop me from creating a good life for myself. I’m hoping to sleep well tonight and I plan to start afresh tomorrow.

Dinner was yum

August 22, 2018

Well, yum is an understatement. The beef sausages I kooked were extremely delicious. I gave some potato bake and sausages to me and J. I’ll eat the other two sausages tomorrow. I like sausage on toast! I can’t decide whether I want it for breakfast or lunch. I guess it’s wait and see till morning. I’d love to order these stovetop gadgets which sit over the hotplates and you put the frying pan or saucepan into the holder and it slots in its place and won’t move around on the glass – the hotplates aren’t raised. But I have to set my other expenses straight first, so I’ve basically put myself on a little waiting list as it were. So after explaining all this to the occupational therapist, she pretty much made sure I can prepare food safely in the meantime and to just use a hotplate I’m already familiar with, for example the hotplate on the front left side of the stove. That way I know exactly where my pan is, so if it slips on the glass, I know how to set it back on the plate properly. Apparently I’m doing ok as it is, but I’d still benefit from using these stove gadgets. That’s right, but I need the bloody money to buy them! But I’m all good for now. So long as I can prepare a simple meal on the stove and I can buy chicken and salad and make wraps and sandwiches, as well as combining chicken and salads with other meals, I’ll be fine. Good news! The OT will be back on the 7th of September. Can’t wait to show her my new food processor yea!!!!!!!!!! I’m seriously dying to make a meal with evenly grated vegetables that are well hidden in it! Woohoo! I struggle to cut vegetables properly and I occasionally hurt myself, so the food processor will resolve this shitty issue of me getting hurt. I’m also going to check out another little gadget for slicing and chopping. If I just want to cook steak or sausages and onion, I can just use the manual slicer instead of the food processor. Man this is so exciting! I need to get this bloody water purifier installed too. I can’t see this happening too soon.

What I like about setting myself up with the appliances I’ve already got is that I don’t necessarily have to go out to eat. As much as I love going out, I love home-cooked meals if they’re cooked really well and have a lot of flavour and different ingredients. it’s a good money-saver to eat at home anyway. Yes restaurant food is lovely, but I’ve got a few good recipes under my belt now. I’m taking the advice of the OT; you basically try out a recipe to the letter, and if you don’t like it, modify or change it. Otherwise, failing that, look for another recipe in a cook book or on the Net. but yeah, I can pretty much feed myself on demand now, but this also means J and a few others must eat some of my food too. I suppose if it stops people from spending their own money on restaurant food… But I also have to buy the fucking stuff to cook too! Lol I’m totally blind and I can cook good food! Go figure. The OT puts it down to luck. Some blind people can do things, some cannot do the same things, whatever it may be. Vision does have something to do with it, but to a large degree it has to do with your other senses as well. I’m even wondering if Guide Dogs cooking classes will benefit me? I understand the concept of cooking but I still think I have a fair bit to learn. Look at the arguments me and J’s stepdad get into! I just insult him right back by saying that he could fry the mince a bit more, same with hot chips lol! After a few days we saô sorry and make sure we’re not too upset hahahahahaha! So I still think I need to learn a few things about cooking, as in the cooking process after you’ve prepared the food. I like going through what I already know so people can help me better when they see me struggling. I really feel that going out is just a treat now, not a necessity. I can easily go to the shops to have a hot or cold drink before buying the groceries. Then I can just have a restaurant meal once or twice a month. I don’t give a fuck about what medical people think, if they can’t accept that blind people can cook even if they stuff up sometimes, that’s their damn problem, not mine. So much for doctors don’t judge people. Yeah right! Yes they do fucking judge! Doctors are no better or more special than anyone else. I like cooking so suck eggs medical people! The risks I take when handling food and cooking are the same for everyone. So I don’t see what the problem is. I’m just so glad I’m not scared of cooking or preparing food any more.

Now that I’ve thought of it, I want to mention something that shits me right off. I get so fucking angry when people carry on at me like this. I can’t tolerate people who honestly believe that because I’m blind, suddenly I’m prone to more accidents, cooking and food preparation is more dangerous, all of a sudden I may get hurt if I go for a walk and I wouldn’t want that… And the list goes on. First, food prep. How the fuck is it more dangerous for me than for anyone else? Fair enough I can’t see what I’m doing and yeah, maybe there’s some aspects to every area of my life that heightens my risk of injuries and accidents. But generally speaking, I’m just as likely as any fool to get hurt or drop something or cause a fire. Geeze, I don’t know where people get the idea from that blindness causes us to hurt ourselves a lot more. Even the fact that people may even go as far as to say that sighted people hurt themselves a lot less because they can see. You could have fooled me! What a load of bullshit. I’m really clumsy at the best of times let alone in the kitchen, but plenty of sighted people fumble around as well, and drop things and spill food. Then exercise: Like, what the fuck! Anyone can get hurt during exercise. Blindness doesn’t make someone more brittle. I don’t need special protection. The wind isn’t going to blow me over. And I won’t break into pieces if I do fall over. And I won’t just LET myself fall over as much as I can possibly help it. I’m not a frigging child or an invalid. And I’m not so stupid either. I won’t get hurt just by walking around. I’m prone to accidents just like everyone else and I don’t need to be fussed over if I do slip up, at least not more than you’d fuss anybody after they’ve fallen over. And I don’t trip over specifically because I can’t see. If that were the case, I’d not be walking. I trip up because I can’t see what I’m about to bump into. There’s a big difference. Just because I’m blind doesn’t mean I can’t exercise. Why people assume I need to be bubble-wrapped or treated differently than a typical person, I don’t know. The only special treatment I really need is to be shown how to do things properly, and I need help to get familiarised to new situations. That’s all really. I know people may not have dealt with blind people and they don’t know what it’s like to be blind, but seriously some of this stuff I’ve discussed is common sense4 Please stop assuming I can’t do anything. Ask me about my capabilities and my capacity to do things. Presuming things about any VI/blind person is just plain rude and offensive and disrespectful.

Much better!

August 22, 2018

I spent the past half an hour searching for more blogs. For some weird reason, as much as some people do brilliant poems, I prefer reading blogs with a bit of all types of writing, not just poetry. And here I am, subscribing to blogs with all sorts of adventurous posts, ranging from fancy poems, graphics which voice-over can’t read, to block writing. I wanted to do a lot of reading today but have decided to wait until I’m at the library so I won’t use all my data. So instead I’m doing an entry. I slept really well last night. I woke up bright and early this morning and was out of bed by 7:30. I had toast with chicken and potato bake, and a cuppa. I mixed coffee and hot chocolate together. Yum! After that I went to the shops to have a mug of hot chocolate and a sausage roll. I spent a couple of hours at the shops before coming home. I had some cold drinks while making more ice all afternoon. My freezer is gradually unloading as I eat frozen meals and thaw meat in the fridge for cooking, so I’ve added an extra container of ice to the freezer so I don’t have to keep turning the ice machine on every day. I will be going back to the shops in a while because I want to spend a couple of hours reading at the library. I’m sick of YouTube so I’m giving it a break for a while. The library is the most relaxing place for me to read and write without distractions. I’ll come home, cook dinner while doing a recording, then I’ll upload it next time I go to the Library again. After what the OT has done to help me with independent living here, I really like cooking! I don’t do anything to a time limit any more except where the oven and slow cooker are concerned, everything else is done by feel. My ice machine is working perfectly as well so I’ve got it very easy at the moment. The difficulties will start again when I get a private dentist to tell me some bad news about my teeth, and when it comes to buying new clothes. I’d much prefer to shed twenty kilograms (don’t know how to convert to pounds sorry, before buying new clothes as I don’t want to go above Size 16. That’s Australian size, I have no idea how to convert that to international specifications. I don’t care about looking like an exact figure, I just want to fit into clothes nicely without having to buy bigger and bigger sizes. Other than that I’m happy with who I am. Most of my family won’t accept me for who I am, I have to be a certain body image, weight etc, or they oestracise me. Well I’m not concerned considering my life is about me and my opinions, not everyone else’s approval and opinion ratings. If this is all people want to think about when they look at me, they can get a life! I have better things to do than look for praise and approval. If I wanted such acceptance, firstly I’d ask for it, secondly I’d get a bloody job. Maybe I’ve got a job as a blogger, but it’s voluntary because I don’t get paid. But at least it’s my choice to write a blog. At least I dom’t beg for approval. I’m perfectly good at approving of what I do. But when I’m forced to look for acceptance and approval, I get really offended because it’s like I’m not wanted if I don’t live up to the expectations of others. This is why I can’t stand my family because if I don’t conform to their opinions and values, I’m not one of them. Well, they aren’t my true family. They’re related to me by blood only. I’m only doing what suits me with my lifestyle and some family members wonder why I disown them when they bully me. I can’t even ring Mum because she’ll start carrying on and we’ll start fighting about a lot of things not worth arguing over. Mum can’t take no for an answer, everything I won’t talk about has to be turned into a psychiatric issue, an emotional problem, lack of acceptance, a reason to get angry, another reason to blame me or someone else for something that happened ages ago, and so on. All I’m saying is, Mum I don’t want to talk about XYZ today. That’s all it fucking is for crying out loud! Of course we’ll start discussing dramas with the rest of the family, which to a degree Mum is right. The rest of my family can be misery guts and drama queens. But seriously let’s just talk about the weather and what clothes we like to buy. Why does the conversation have to be an argument or a long diatribe about negative stuff, over and over and over? Mum knows the family won’t change, so let’s just forget about the shit we can’t fix and move on! I can stick up for myself very well and if I want my family members to stop jawing on at me, I’ll tell them to their faces how stupid they’re being. I don’t care about everyone’s feelings about how I choose to live, because they aren’t living my life. So long as I don’t try to hurt or kill myself, just get over it. Accidents happen, they can happen anywhere. But you don’t see me spiking food and beverages with poison, you don’t see me stepping in front of oncoming traffic on purpose, so my family just needs to take a chill pill. As for gaining and losing weight, that’s mô own personal choice and I won’t have ANYBODY telling me what my decisions will be or how I choose to live. I can’t BELIEVE my family can be like that. Now I understand what one of my cousins is going through properly, so next time I’m bullied or pressured to conform, I’m going to have a go at someone.

Anyway, my life is stress-free for the time being, so I think I’m getting somewhere with putting myself in order. I’m a bit pissed off that my water purifier still isn’t installed and I can’t contact a plumber. But I can still go out and come home to a nice unit and eat good food and relax most of the time. What I will be doing is cracking down on harrassment and bullying. I don’t care how much of a rift I create with my family, being nice is actually making the situation worse because some people aren’t taking any notice of what I’m saying and they’re retaliating with abuse if they can’t get me to see eye to eye with them. I’m going to have it out with my grandparents especially. They have no fucking right to treat me as they do and turn around and abuse me when I tell them to back off. I’m going to ring them on the weekend and make sure if they don’t quit their shitty ideas with me, they’ll regret it. I’m going to swear at them eventually. They’re very hurtful and I won’t tolerate horrible people. I’ll remind them of how disgraceful they are because when we have discussions, I get dismissed or bullied. Enough is enough, I’m going to nip it in the bud and if the family still keeps on causing difficulties with me, I’m disowning them. I do everything I can to get relatives to accept that I’m living my life and I’m getting nowhere. So that’s it. I’ll simply tell people to stop harrassing me or leave me alone. If they try to get outside parties involved I’m going to make sure they never hear from me again. I’ll change my phone number. I hate the idea of doing this, but I need to protect my dignity. It could backfire as the property manager may give my new number to my mother. So I won’t change it unless my grandparents force me to. It’ll have to be a really bad situation for me to change my phone number. So let’s hope some of my relatives don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. I can’t believe I’m 33 and my elderly grandparents are treating me so badly and acting like I’m still a five-year-old, disrespecting my decisions, being very offensive at me to show their disapproval, using physical/verbal abuse to try to make me comply with demands and expectations, etc. They’re very very nasty and rude and have been that way ever since I’ve known them, which is all of their lives. They can be very nice, I’ve been with them when they’re lovely and polite. But when they haven’t got their way, they change immediately and you’re left wondering just who these people are. They can’t just say, well I don’t agree with your lifestyle, but ok. No, they have to erupt and use any means at their disposal, to change your mind or your ways. Fuck them, I’m gonna set the record straight and I’d love to see a few proverbial bombs blow up. I shouldn’t be excited to drop a bomb shell because this is my family, but if only you knew, is all I can say. They deserve what’s coming. I’m not just going to sit back and let this crap continue.

It’s now 4 pm and I’m at the library. I spent fifteen minutes browsing YouTube but couldn’t find anything interesting, so have given up on it. So I’ve decided to write a bit more, publish this blog and read. I showed someone how voice-over works on my phone and got back to business. I love socialising, and I would have left my headphones unplugged to let some people hear voice-over reading to me, but I’m concerned that someone will complain at the staff and they’ll come and insist that I use headphones. Most folks are wondeful to be around but you can never get away from the few whingers who spoil the fun for the rest of us. I feel like I need a bit more silence right now but you don’t see me blowing a fuse do you? God! I’m having fun sitting on the couch while I entertain myself with the phone. I’m amazed at how good phones are now. Five years ago I hardly ever used my phone to write emails and blogs. Now I never use my laptop for anything. My phone is my mini laptop haha! It’s just so easy to take my phone with me and write emails, blog posts, search the Net etc, and I hardly have to drop my life commitments just to do anything really. Just grab my phone and there you go! Read or type away within seconds of retrieving the phone. Then simply stuff the phone back in its place in the backpack. I remember I couldn’t just sit anywhere to write. I’d have to sit at home with the computer or take it to a powerpoint and put the laptop on a desk. But now, I can just hold my phone and read and write. I never used to read books all the time, they had to be in Braille. Now I can read at any time of the day or night. I can buy a book and read it. I have hundreds of books in the iBooks app which I can read at my leissure. Voice-over plays up sometimes but for the most part, I can read the same books as anyone else. I so can’t wait to get a new phone, I’m going to buy the biggest memory storage I can get so I can put heaps more music and books in the phone. My books are in iCloud at the moment. As soon as I get my new phone set up, I’ll be re-downloading all my books and sitting at the library twice a week until I get through all of them. I hope there’s some interesting videos on YouTube soon too. I hate it when I find nothing interesting to listen to because then I have to suffer from boredom for days or weeks until new videos are put on YouTube. I love reading blogs and books, but sometimes I have to listen to videos.”.

Good and bad news

August 21, 2018

Well here’s the good news! My potato bake turned out yum! I did a lot of checking on it until I felt that the consistency was ok, then ate a couple of helpings! I put some cooked chicken over my first serving. I will definitely do potato bake again. I gave some to my friend and she loved it too. Next time I’m doing chicken. I like my chicken to be well cooked. Now for the bad news. I somehow wrecked my ice-maker. It worked for a while, then a mechanism got stuck while it was making ice and I can’t get it working. Every time I turn it all the way off, then back on. The machine takes water and drops it back into the basket and when it tries to start the ice-making process, it makes a strange noise like something isn’t able to move, then a continuous beep noise, then the machine shuts off. I find that very very weird! If I can’t get it working myself tonight, I’m gonna get a maintenance person to take it away to fix it. I bloody hope it isn’t broken! It’s brand new. It was working perfectly for half an hour.

I’ve made a decision about medical care. The next time I go to the doctors to say that I’m ok to do more training with Guide Dogs, I’ll let the doctors know that I’m not going to take prescription medicine so they’re wasting time writing out scripts that I won’t fill at the chemist. They will be going in the bin. I’d rather deal with moderate pain, and for severe pain, I’d like to die thank you. Same with vomiting. Next time I have severe vomiting, I will not treat it, I will simply die. I can live with mild to moderate issues. As soon as they become severe, goodbye. There you have it. For now, I’m enjoying my life.

I think the OT does a wonderful job of helping me. I’m very tired now after my big day. People think it’s easy being blind. People have no idea how tiring it is to do simple things like use an oven. Sighted people can just look here and glance there. I can’t do that. I’m forever exploring everything with my hands. Learning how to do tasks properly is really draining on anyone who can’t see. I at least know what I’m doing now, so next time I make potato bake, I won’t lose a lot of energy on just learning something. I know how I like my potato bake, so I may even get it cooked a lot faster next time. The OT read a recipe where you boil the potatoes first before layering them in the tray. I’ll try that next time. I just thought that baking without boiling would be easier because my motto is: the less dishes the better. But if cooking it on a higher heat for less time doesn’t work, that’s just what I’ll have to do. And, we experimented with baking without fan-force. I personally prefer it because the heat gets to the food quicker. I just don’t want to burn the food, so I’ll see how I go. I’m not too terrified of using the oven any more and I took the tray out and put it back in so many times, so I’m getting the feel of using the oven heaps better. I’ll test out leaving the tray uncovered too, just to see if the ingredients thicken up a lot faster. Covering with foil is good but sometimes I don’t know if tin foil makes food take longer to cook.

Would you believe it, I got my ice machine working again! I’m gonna make a lot of ice now. Once again the OT came through with some good advice, and I somehow managed to fix the fucking thing! Wow man! The only sucky thing about this machine is, I have to drain it and clean it every time I’ve finished with it. Apart from that it’s awesome. I’ll be tipping ice into a container for the freezer, that way I don’t have to make a lot of ice all the time unless it’s boiling hot and I may choose to leave it on all day. At least I’ve got the machine set up and working like a pro now and I can eat ice whenever I feel like it.

Well I’m glad today worked out. I feel terrible for the people who help the VI community because of people like me who simply react on the spur of the moment. High fear factor is what it is. I’m not so fearful now! I’ll make another potato bake next week, I’ll basically find a recipe I like and modify it to suit me. Now I can’t wait to get my food processor. Me and the OT are gonna have a look at it. I still may end up buying a separate gadget for chopping vegies if I’m not going to use much food. For example, if I just want sliced onion and sweet potato for a simple dish, I don’t need the electric food processor just for one or two vegies. But if I want something to serve more than two people, or it needs to last for a while in my freezer, I’ll use the electric food processor. Almost EVERY DAY, that is!!!!!!! I guess I won’t have much opportunity to die lol I’ll be eating too much good food! Good news for the doctors, they won’t have to deal with me. The only psychiatric care I can tolerate is very good food and exercising a lot – mainly walking, but eventually I want to get into swimming.

A quick update

August 21, 2018

My OT will be here soon. So I have to peel potatoes and slice them. It all sounds easy, but I’m very stressed right now. I don’t want to hurt myself or spill food in the oven when I put the potato bake in. I just don’t want an accident today. For people who don’t understand my situation, maybe I shouldn’t freak out, but you truly have no idea what I go through when I learn how to do things properly, especially if it’s a new situation. I’ve done potato bake before, but today I plan to do it properly. And now I’m panicking because I know how easy it is for me to get frustrated. I seriously loose it when I fuck up. I’ve never changed. Most of the time I do fairly well with living life, but sometimes I really go heywire. Medical people cause me to vomit, as in really vomit, so I can’t get a checkup or anything. I know this sounds disgusting but if I have to see a doctor next time, I’ll make myself vomit by thinking about all the bad parts of my life till I spew, just to be sent home. This is how much I hate doctors. Maybe one day I’ll get past it and visit a doctor without feeling sick. But not right now. I’d rather be unconscious or at home ill than see the doctor. Anyway, I’ve got to finish up so I can get my dinner ready. I’m not doing too bad at the moment besides some minor cold thing and also not sleeping good last night. Hopefully I do a good job with the potato bake and I hope I sleep well tonight! I know next year when I fill out paperwork for Guide dogs, I’ll be taking Panadol before I go to the doctors to settle my stomach. We’ll see how I go, I don’t have to allow the doctor to check me over. Anyway, I’ll write later, bye for now!

August 20, 2018

After having a fairly busy day, I can write for the rest of the evening. Geeze, I’m sure this blog should be well on its way to becoming a book by now! Some of my entries have been a quarter of a novel size. But since I’ve got all evening to write, and I’ve just eaten chicken stirfry, I have plenty of time to create another mini book lol. Get ready to sit down to drinks and snacks as you’ll be readimg for a reeeeeeeeeally loooooooooong time!

I woke up this morning and started out with jam on toast and a coffee. After that, the long slog began. I rang NDIA and was on the phone for thirty minutes. I had to wait for them to answer, and when they finally answered, it took like ten minutes, I’m sure it was nearly fifteen minutes actually – to sort out my information to make sure it was correct. After I hung up the phone, I rang Centacare and organised a support worker for next week. I’ll make sure she is locked in when I speak to my coordinator tomorrow. I’ll be sorting out who will take the NDIS funding on my behalf too. I checked out a list of support coordinators and there’s a great lot of them. I sent an email to both Centacare and my OT this afternoon. I forwarded an email to Centacare with my NDIS info so the coordinator can help me, and I sent my OT a very long letter with a great big list of things I need help with until I can manage myself properly in this unit, without getting pissed off all the time. Then I wrote a fairly detailed paragraph about how living here frustrates the fuck out of me. The OT will do another review of my situation next year and with the way things are going, it looks like my OT program will stay open. I like it when people help me, but I also want to be able to run my own life.

At three o’clock I wandered downstairs for a while and chatted with the maintainance guy who works here twice a week. I went upstairs and socialised with K over a cup of hot tea for her and hot chocolate for me. We talked for an hour and a half. I really like our conversations. It’s a pity the lady can’t enroll in a different program, there’s quite a few people she can’t tolerate, where she goes. I’m glad I’ve left Vision Australia, K doesn’t have a choice but to stay with them. I think VA sucks and when I left I never looked back. So much for they’ll work out better! K always whinges about them and the way some of the clients behave. I think she’s miserable some of the time and I have no idea how to help her. Let’s not get onto the I can’t help her business, I’m not fucking stupid and I already know that. But I have feelings like everyone else and I do feel helpless when K complains. Anyway, after she left a while ago, I got a meal from the freezer and ate. I’m right now till the morning. I’ll have to wake up by 6:30 which really sucks. I have to get to the shops by eight, the OT will be around by twelve. I hate early mornings. When I get a new dog I’m sure he/she will wake me up at the crack of fucking dawn every bloody day! I have to get a few things so I can make a yummy potato bake. I can’t wait to try it! I’ve fucked it up a few times, I hope it works out this time. I love potato bake when it’s cooked properly. I don’t like half-cooked potato bake swimming in sauce. Yuck! I need it to be nice and soft to eat, but firm to the touch. When I get the hang of using the oven properly, I’ll be cooking every day. All I have to do now is organise more O and M lessons. Life is pretty much sorted now. I just have to spend three hundred bucks on new clothes because I have to get rid of a lot of tacky clothes, and I should be right. I’ll also be continuing my trips to the library twice a week. I can read or listen to videos for three hours without being distracted. And i can stay out of the house sometimes.

And now I’m outside with a thick jacket on. I actually want to reduce the time I leave a heater on. I hate wasting electricity when I’ve got nice warm clothes and I don’t have to be stuck in the house morever. I hate not being able to go out all the time, but due to a huge case-load, Guide Dogs can’t come around all the time. I’m also very shitted off that I’ve had to ring the management office to get them to contact a plumber for me because the people I’m trying to contact won’t pick up. Damn! I’d better have my water purifier installed by next week. I don’t buy things to waste money. I seriously can’t wait to get my food processor, I’ll be making a lot of meals with it and making smoothies and everything! I won’t know myself. I love smoothies. I love pumpkin soup too, I’ll try making it again and I’ll blend it up and see how I go. I haven’t made pumpkin soup for years. The last time I tried making pumpkin soup, I buggered it. Oh well, maybe I’ll get it right this time. I’ll be making spaghetti bolognaise too. I love grated vegies in spaghetti bog! And when I’ve got my ice machine up and running, I’ll seriously be eating ice all fucking day. Iced water and crushed ice in smoothies. What a life! I’ll be doing audio recordings of my latest adventures too. Talking of food, I’m going to buy a hot chook and salad tomorrow. Actually forget the salad. Chicken and potato bake will be just fine. Next week I’m doing vegies and chops, and another potato bake with crumbed steak. If anything gets in the road of these plans, I’ll just wait till another time to make it. But I like the idea of cooking every day. It gives me something to do. After my OT leaves, I’ll just make a chicken sandwich, go to the library, then I’ll eat potato bake and chicken for tea. Fun times ahead guys! Crap, now I think of it, I hope Centacare doesn’t buzz me when I’m at the shops. Damn it I hope I can get the shopping out of the road before twelve o’clock, I want a stress-free day tomorrow. I don’t do stress. I also don’t do being bossed around by the family. The grandparents are the worst. They think they can just tell me what I want and how I feel. I’ve even told them to stop treating me like a baby and stop bossing me around, and nothing I’ve done has made them leave me alone. Sometimes I consider changing my phone number, but I’ve had this number for years. And I don’t want to change location. I just want my grandparents to either stop bullying or fuck off. Nothing I do makes them frigging stop! I’ve had it up to the ears with their shit. I’m not being tested, I’m being bullied and I’ve fucking had enough! Bf I wanted to be tested, I’d go to school. Being bullied is not an exam to see how good or bad I am. I don’t like it and I want it to stop. Why will my grandparents not take no. No means no and that’s it! They’re not here so why do they continue to harrass me? I’m going to be like my cousin and tell them to fuck off so they can accuse me of being a bad granddaughter, because they treat me and my cousin the same way. I agree with my cousin now. I’m gonna be mean to my grandparents next time because when I communicate nicely with them, I get abused and bullied. My brother tells me they’re just worried. Yeah true, but I don’t need any shit from other people. I just want to have a good time and a peaceful life. But I guess peace doesn’t come with some family situations. I could speak to Mum, but we’ve had a horrible relationship in the past, and the past always predicts the future as they say, so I feel a bit panicky thinking about ringing Mum. All we do is argue, even if I don’t want to have an argument. Yeah, I don’t think so.

My family is fine which is all that matters. I’m fine here so I don’t want my life to change. I don’t want any dramas. I don’t plan to be the one to take the bait. As soon as anyone tries it on me, I’m out. I’ve decided to dig my toes in. I’ll only do what I want to do now. People can tell me to do this and do that. But I’ll only do what suits me. I don’t listen to peer pressure. I won’t bow to pressure. I’ll see how everyone is and see ya later it is. I don’t need any fuss. I love my family but I don’t want to be smothered. I bet Mum would no doubt carry on and I’d just say goodbye, I have better things to do sorry. I need people in my life who add value, not take value away. It’d be lovely if me and Mum would have a decent conversation. Why all the abuse and dribbling on and talking about past problems? I live in the past sometimes too, but I don’t keep talking about it. Actually, I do what it takes to get away from the past. It’s never change, so why whinge about it? You’re better off trying to change your future while you have the opportunity to do so. At least I can whinge about the future and fix what I don’t like. Hey, at least I know how I want to live my life. If anyone wants me to change, they can lump it. I’m too old for crap. I just want to have good conversations with people. What I really want is for my family to leave me alone and stop pressuring me. I guess if I do eventually ring Mum, I’ll probably just tell her I won’t discuss some things, then I will tell her to think what she wants about me. She needs to stop turning everything into a drama and relax. Personally I don’t want to speak to my Mum but eventually I will ring her. I’m sure of it. I used to be scared of our difficult relationship, but not any more. I’m too old to hide from everything. I can just hang up and say I’ll talk next time. The only thing to be scared of is hanging around her and fighting. I know I’d get into a fist-fight. So I just don’t hang around her. I’ll just ring her when I’m ready. My brothers will get so angry at me, but oh well! I don’t have to do anything. Once again I do things for someone else, not me. Not happening. I’m living for myself now. Well this blog is seriously becoming a ramble. So I guess I have to end it here and write tomorrow. The weather is really cold now so I’m putting the heater on when I go inside.

August 19, 2018

That’s what I was wanting to write about earlier! I just couldn’t think of it at the time, but after a good feed and a drink, here I am again. So I was reading this post about <href=“https://theblindblogr.wordpress.com/2018/08/16/no-love-had-no-love-lost/“>this lady’s aggressive dog.</a> She was soooooo upset. It’s even worse that her and her husband had apparently worked together to resolve some issues for the sake of themselves and their son. God! Sadly the circumstances are tragic for this dog, and it will be euthanised. It just so happens that not all dogs are nice. Most are lovely, but the nasty critters are few and far between, and unfortunately, <href=“https://theblindblogr.wordpress.com/2018/08/16/no-love-had-no-love-lost/“>Kaitlynn</a> was unlucky enough to take on this dog years ago. Of course I haven’t read through her blog to find out the full story and past goings-on, but my heart goes out to her family. How terrible when a family pet causes such tension! Sometimes, you’ve just gotta think of what’s best for the family and euthanise the animal, both for its well-being and for your own safety. I know it’s hard for a dead dog to have well-being, but suffering in some way isn’t nice at all, and when the dog in question can’t be rehabilitated, what can you do? It’s unfair to the dog to keep it alive when it’s unhappy enough to lash out every day and won’t learn how to act differently around people. I felt terrible reading the news. I’m sure this family will struggle with their decision for a while, but I firmly believe that when a family pet can’t be happy to the point that it suffers, it should go. And no matter what, somehow the decision to euthanise is always wrong in some way. But in such cases, the decision is always right. An incurably aggressive dog is an unsafe companion, no matter how you look at it. Good luck to you and I hope you find another much more amiable companion when you’re ready.

I’ve heard it said that aggressive dogs aren’t born that way. Well I suppose in most cases it’s true. Iut sometimes a dog will grow up and turn aggressive because of how its brain is wire. Animals and people are similar in that most of us are fantastic. But rarely you get the odd person or animal who’s wires cross for some reason, and the behaviour becomes corrupted. I’ll assume the same mystery applies to people and especially animals, where some jobs require some forms of violence to complete tasks, such as guard or police work. But sometimes, people and animals in rough jobs may be too docile or friendly for the type of work required. It’s just how it is. I think it’s disgraceful when some people label all aggressive dogs as being created by bad ownership. And even if it was, maybe some people who love dogs may have been deceived into buying a supposedly friendly dog and later it turns out the dog had a horrific past and is very mean, and the new owners may find this out when it’s too late and they’ve already bought the dog. You just can’t label a dog owner without knowing the facts of the story.

I’ve read a lot of websites about dog adoption, just type ‘dog adoption’ in Google and you’ll see thousands of results. And the subject of animal adoption is so controversial. Some people refuse to adopt animals because they’d rather raise them themselves. Why adopt a dog when you can buy a puppy? Same for any animal really. But then, arguing for either bias would work. Adopting animals gives them a new lease at life so they won’t be euthanised for no reason unless they happen to be dangerous, but dangerous animals can’t usually be adopted. So anyway, adopting dogs, cats, birds etc, gives them a second chance so to speak. And if they’ve been abused or neglected, they can live the rest of their lives happily ever after. And maybe, adopting animals prevents backyard breeders from thriving. Mind you, if people were responsible enough, they’d neuter and spay animals and maybe the problem of unwanted pets wouldn’t be so previlent. So I really don’t know, it entirely depends on the situation. If you ask me, I’d rather raise my own pet from a baby. That way I could train it and I wouldn’t have to take the risk of dealing with issues in adopted animals. Maybe any animal in the world can develop issues even if you didn’t adopt it from a shelter. But it’s more risky to take a dog home from a shelter than it is to raise your own pet. That’s how I see it. As horrible as it is, the most friendly animals at a shelter may not necessarily be what you’d expect once you bring it home. Some apparently unfriendly animals can turn out to be the best companions ever, too. But I’d still rather buy animals from a reputable breeder, or try to adopt baby animals from a shelter to give them a good start. Animal adoption is a personal choice, but I wouldn’t adopt unless it was a career changed animal or retired service animal. That way I know any current issues wouldn’t be a risk to my safety and the animals are already trained and all I’d have to do is get the animal accustomed to my environment and house rules. Every animal would have some baggage, they’re just like us in that sense. But just to be certain I’m not risking my own safety, I’d stick to adopting baby animals only, or adopting a career changed/retired service animal. That’s just me! Other than that, I hope people who’ve run into difficulty will eventually find a new companion to suit, or that somehow their current furry friends will eventually become friendly.

overcoming psychiatric trouble… And acceptance

August 19, 2018

My day is going all right. My teeth are playing up a bit, but nobody can fix my problems so what do you expect? Other than that, I’m healthy enough. Nan and Pop are concerned about me. I really think they’re trying to live my life, but once again, when have they not tried to run my life and live through me? I know it’s their way of showing me affection, I just can’t cope with being smothered like that. I had a long discussion with Nan. She won’t accept that I’ve made the decision to refuse medical care so that I can survive until my number is up, but I don’t want medical intervention to save my life. She won’t accept me for who I am. I know I shouldn’t hate her but I do. Hate is a strong word, but I can’t deny how I feel. I’m alive because other people want me here. It’s not about me. It’s all about them. I’m going to set up a directive with a DNR order and a refuse medical care declaration. I do not like doctors, do not trust doctors, and do not respond to most medical treatments. I’m going to have another long discussion with my grandparents in two weeks. My family has never respected my wishes to die with dignity, and I expect they never ever will. But even so, they will find out where I stand, and they don’t have to agree with me. I don’t really care either. I’m also disappointed that suicide isn’t legal. While I can’t agree with committing suicide in every case, there are times where suicide is warranted. I just want my family to be aware of my decision to refuse medical care. They know I don’t want to keep living when I feel too uncomfortable one day. They know I don’t feel safe around doctors. I’m certain I’ve developed psychiatric problems since my last doctor’s visit. The doctor caused them. I’m sure there has to be real doctors out there who may even change my mind. Maybe, just maybe, something will occur which will change my position and my current opinions. Possibly. Maybe my new doctor will come up with a treatment plan which I really like and I may not sign a DNR form. But, if after some lengthy discussions, I still feel the same as I do today, I’m not going to allow my family to change my mind. They are my family, but they don’t live my life. Family members are offended at me because I don’t care about my survival. Well, I’m offended at them that they don’t care enough about me to respect my decisions. I’m really hurt that my family won’t support me. Most doctors don’t respect me either. Nobody admits it, but my suffering on and off is just entertainment to be enjoyed all because I’m blind and let’s see how long we can keep Michelle alive for. Let’s see how far we can push her before she complains and sticks up for herself. This is how my family is towards me. The family members who do support me get bullied and oestracised by the rest of my family. It’s disgusting. All I want to do is to enjoy my life normally, as I do today, until such time as I wish to stop living. That’s all I’m asking for. Yes there’s a lot of grey areas. Yes, there are things I’m not aware of in which I may turn around tomorrow and insist that I want to live for a really long time into my hundreds. I know all of that! But at the moment I’m overwhelmed and far too insecure with myself to accept differently. I’m actually like that with most areas of my life, but especially with medical stuff and doctors. I did get Nan to accept that I need to feel comfortable and safe with the right type of doctor who knows what they’re doing, isn’t nasty to patients and other doctors, who wants to help me instead of kill me, etc. So she does accept that part of my reason for refusing medical treatment is because of some bad doctors who should be fucking jailed. But what she can’t accept is that I have a life and I don’t want to suffer. But framed in a different way, she understands and accepts what I want.

for the time being I’m enjoying my life. I texted my brother to let him know I’m ok as well. I said I’d be visiting the family at some point next year. Guide Dogs will do orientation lessons around a hotel of my choosing, so every time I go to Cairns I can book a room at the same hotel every time. Then I can visit people as I please. I just want people to realise that I can only cope so much until I snap. I feel so untrusting about different things right now. I see nothing wrong with entertaining myself, I just am not in a good place to be hanging out with people when I haven’t got hardly any money to spend on myself let alone a good meal out. It makes me feel much worse when people take a no answer to mean I couldn’t give a fuck about anybody. Not true AT ALL!!!!!!! The fact is, sometimes I need down time, sometimes I don’t. And sometimes, I need to work on my own priorities first before relaxing at the pool side, going to my local RSL Club, and jamming with friends. Why is it that when I put my priorities first especially when I have important projects lined up for a very good reason, that suddenly I’m the worst friend on earth? Well thanks a lot then! I try to be a good friend and because we’re all human, when I have a hard time temporarily, I’m just not good enough as a friend. God! I’m not Super Woman! I’m just so sad that I have to be judged like this. It’s not like I’m spending $500 a week on smokes and alcohol. I don’t smoke or drink anyway, but if I was doing that I’d understand being disliked. For heaven’s fucking sakes, I’m getting judged for putting my health and home first, for standing up for my choices about my future, and all I ever do is try to be friendly. Oh well. I know I can’t please everyone. But that’s not the issue. My issue is the way people treat me when I’ve got very little money. Yeah, I just want sympathy. No, if I wanted sympathy, I’d ask people if they want to have a drink and a meal with me. I’d chitchat to people. I’d sit outside and listen as neighbours chitchat and learn something new. But as soon as I say, no I want to stay home for a month, I have some home improvement projects, need down time, and have no extra money to spend, HOLY ―- SHIT! Stuff her, she’s a poor whiner. Well that just shows how much some of my friends care. And someone (no names), has the hide to bloody tell me to put off my home improvement idea! Ah, hang on. Does she control my money? No! So why the freaking hell is so-and-so telling me how to run my home? Yes she’s trying to be helpful. But again, she’s basically saying, fuck you! You’re the one spending your money so don’t whinge at me! If only she knew what total blindness was like. If only she knew that her lack of understanding about my situation makes me whinge even more. And if only she knew, that put in my situation, she’d be jumping up and down screaming. Not just whinging. I feel very bad for this person. But I’m also very upset that she judges me because I’m poor because of setting up a TV, food processor, and water purifier.

Obviously I don’t have these things set up yet, but they soon will be. I’m so shocked that as soon as people know you’ve spent a lot of time and money sorting yourself out, people turn and bolt because the way you happen to live doesn’t suit them. Un-fucking-believable! Talking of friends, thanks for following my blog, peeps. You really do make my day. And I love reading blogs, could read all day and all night. Secondary to music is reading. I spen nearly all of last night reading, and I finally finished another book in iBooks. I am so addicted to that app. I’m going to read another book later. I’m also going to walk to the shops tomorrow. I can’t stand to sit around! I’m going to buy some diced onion and diced bacon for making potato bake on Tuesday. I’m ringing Centacare as well. Next Tuesday I’m picking up the food processor and TV, and if I haven’t gotten a hold of a plumber by then, me and my support worker are gonna look for one. I just wanna sort all this shit out ASAP so I can spend time relaxing and I don’t have to spend a bloody fortune on things every fortnight. It just sucks that some items are necessary for me to live my life safely, and as soon as money is involved, the fights start. Well, I can’t hel being blind and I can’t help that I live on a fucking pension can can I? And I can’t just sit there and do no exercise and never socialise. But I also can’t spend big wads of dollars when I go out. Yet for some reason, I bring judgement on myself because some people can’t get it through their thick heads that unlike them, I’d like to go on a holiday sometimes, so I can’t always spend money because I MUST eat lunch so they won’t feel offended that I’m not eating while they’re eating. For God’s sake when can I do what I want to do? When can I say, no sorry, I have some crap to sort out next week and I have to stay home for now. When can I say, sorry but I’ve spent a fortune on XYZ, so I can’t come out to dinner tomorrow night. Like seriously! Why can’t people accept that sometimes I’m going to say no. And it’s not because I dislike them, want to live in isolation, am acting depressed and just can’t fathom going out, would rather be bored than live a constructive lifestyle. Want to be lazy. Choose not to work. Well, in a way I have chosen not to work, but it’s not quite as simple as not wanting to work. But no, I’m not just staying home for all these shitty reasons people conjure up in their minds. Just Goddammed accept that my life does come first, and as much as I love people, hanging out with them isn’t fixing my personal life! Relationships are important. But so is taking a look at myself and fixing things in my life and home too. The Fairy Godmother isn’t going to do it for me.

So I’ll be walking to the shops tomorrow. I’ll be sitting around for a while because I know I still have to walk home, so I’ll get some exercise. I’ll probably write another blog and read. I’ve exhausted my YouTube viewing for quite a while. I’ve searched for new and interesting videos to listen to, but haven’t found any that I like. So reading and blogging it is. And as soon as I’ve got the hang of my route to my hair-dresser, I’ll be walking to and from there every day, just for practice. I will have an excuse to create a really long walk! I can go to the hair-dresser first and them go back to the shops to sit in the library for three hours! Or the other way around if I want. Wow this is awesome! After I learn this travel route, I’m going to start train travel practice. Can’t wait! Next year I’m going to nag Guide Dogs until they let put my name down for a new dog. My brother is right to encourage me to get a new dog. Dogs are like little kids, but they’re smart when they want to be lol. Plus they’re good company. How many times have I said that? Probably a million times… But it’s true. I’m also going to insist that I learn more routes in the meantime, I’m more physically active than just travelling to and from three different destinations. I’d prefer to go out every day for the whole day if I can. I’m going to get a swimming program started as well. All this bullshit do-nothing life is getting to me. Here I am pissed off about being judged, and now I’m judging myself haha! At least I know what I’m like and I can do heaps better than people would like to think. Pulling a few more teeth out will be a good start, then fixing my left eye and finding medicines that work after surgery will be great too. Yeah, when I suffer I look for drugs. Because I fucking don’t like pain. It’s not up to the doctor to decide how much pain I can tolerate. I’ll just keep changing doctors till I find one who suits me. That’s what other ailing people do, and I ain’t any different. Anyway, for now I’m ok. I have Centacare and GDQ on side so things can only go uphill from here.

I was reading a blog post today, it had some comments about people talking to the carer or companion of the blind/disabled person. Oh my God I forgot to vent about this yesterday! Yeah, this really makes me angry. I know what it’s like, fucking bloody frustrating! People can be so frigging twisted. I’m supposed to accept that there’s people who act like this, they’re everywhere. Yeah well, I won’t accept it. People have no bloody right to overlook disabled people like that! I don’t even treat people differently if they can’t talk. I talk to both the person and the carer. I know the carer/other companion becomes that person’s mouthpiece. But I still interact normally with that person. We may modify communication a little to suit the person’s disabilities, but I still treat them as I would any other person. If the person speak but has trouble communicating, I just respect what they want, such as speaking to their companion if that’s what they want, or whatever the case may be. I have no fucking idea why people have such a hard time understanding this concept. There’s reallô no excuse mistreating a disabled person in such a fashion. If you don’t want to accept their disability, that’s fine, just don’t be horrible and make them feel worse! It’s hard enough living with a disability without pushing one’s inadequacies onto them. A disability doesn’t make someone less of a person.

My phone is about to die but I don’t want to stop writing just yet. I’ve plugged my phone into the charger because my battery is fucked and the smart case only helps me out so much. I imagine people must take forever to read my posts, but this is how much I love writing! I can write all day. I’m not so much into poetry, but simply writing in straight prose and putting my thoughts to paper, blog in this case, is my idea of a pastime. It’s a bit hard to get bored when I can walk around and also read all day. Ah well, I suppose I should just let people think what they like. Which usually I do. But as soon as I get treated like a needy attention-seeker because I’ve said no to an outing, well that’s when I get shitty. I read a lot of posts and think crap! How do you live like that? But I’m not living everyone else’s lives, so even though I wonder, I still feel that people can’t live the same lifestyle so we all don’t have to agree with everyone else. At the same time, I still like reading what other people have to say otherwise I’d never bloody learn anything! If I’m really uncomfortable, I just skip over posts until another day. I never expect people to delete blog sites or posts just because I don’t like something. I feel sorry for anyone who feels terrible about writing. My advice is don’t listen to what people tell you, it’s your blog. Maybe they should close their blog and delete it if they want to bully others like that. Get a life! As for the rest of today, I’ll be drinking a coffee soon, and socialising. And possibly eating, I don’t know. I’ll be relaxing for the evening and may spend all night reading, I haven’t decided on that yet. I had something else in mind to write about now, but I damn well can’t think of what it is. These mental blanks really annoy me. Ah well, if I think of it, I’ll come back to write more soon. I’ll definitely write tomorrow.

Warning: very long and may be offensive to some viewers

August 18, 2018

The hot weather is slowly creeping in. Everything is ok with my life generally, but it’s completely stalled at this time. Generally speaking, I still enjoy cooking. I still love to read my books. And, when it comes to going to the shops to buy groceries, I love to walk, rather than cab it, to the shops. So yeah, generally I’m doing fine. I’ve got friends to talk to in person and over the phone, and I have a really wonderful support worker who helps me SO MUCH!!!!!!!!! I’t accept offers of food and drink at any time, but usually if I can manage, I try to pay my way as much as possible. I don’t have the capacity to work so this is the situation I’m in. Not everyone can work. It sucks to be honest, but to sound cornish, I should be lucky I don’t work because anyone would kill for my lazy lifestyle. Not true in reality of course, but anything to soothe an angry soul is better than thinking of stinky reality sometimes. Besides some remaining happiness in my life, here is where my situation fucks me up majorly and I’m litterally stuck like someone frozen in ice. And here’s where the shit hits the fan for me.

Luckily it’s too hot for me to walk to the shops today, so I’m just sitting around today and tomorrow. And possibly Monday as well. But I really do have to get a couple of things from the shops on Tuesday morning. My OT is coming around to make sure I’m ok with working with a boiling hot oven. I’m going to make potato bake and see how I go. I think I make food dishes too runny or too dry and burnt. And even the potato is only just cooked enough to be edible. I seriously fucking suck at using my oven! K just left my place, we had chicken and mashed vege for dinner. I cleaned out my fridge just now and I’ve decided to continue with microwaving frozen meals without thawing first. So much good food went to waste. I hate how people come over and show no appreciation for how much food I waste. Most people act like the food in my fridge just isn’t good enough for their rich platter tastes. Ok, so buy the food and cook it yourself then. I’ll happily eat a microwaved meal and/or a meal from yesterday’s dinner, any day. I hate buying food on top of what I’ve already got at home! Perfectly good food that hasn’t gone bad yet and yet we must, MUST, buy extra food that MUST be eaten tonight and leftovers thrown out tomorrow??? What!!!??? Rich people seriously don’t know how to savour a meal! Not every single rich person, but most of them. Let’s have a piping hot meal tonight and whatever’s left, let’s waste it. Oh my God! I feel sick knowing how much food went in the bin. I can understand big businesses wasting food because you can’t legally sell day-old food even if it’s safe to eat for most people. All sorts of people go through the doors of big businesses and chefs can’t decide who can and cannot eat certain foods. But in the home, people who just chuck out fresh cooked food that wasn’t eaten are just plain greedy! I know every situation is different, but seriously as a general rule, don’t Goddamned waste fresh food! I don’t buy food to waste just because someone wants food that suits their ungrateful butt, while food is sitting in the fridge waiting to be eaten. If ungrateful butthead doesn’t want my food, they can pay for, and cook, their own bloody meals for all I care! And keep the take-away oily shitty mouldy food to themselves too. I don’t eat mouldy, plastic food. I like fresh food, and if there’s food left after eating a meal, I like to eat it tomorrow as well. I like to eat it all before it goes bad. I took a friend’s suggestion on board today. Just microwave a meal immediately. Guide Dogs microwaves frozen meals that catering people make up. There’s nothing wrong with the food either. I think anyone who intentionally wastes food is ungrateful and selfish. I feel terrible when I waste food and do everything to avoid further wastage. I won’t put more food in the fridge any more, until most of my frozen meals are eaten. I don’t need more meat, there’s plenty in the freezer. I can survive for weeks without buying food now. I’ll just need bread and milk and other essentials. I reckon if I can live on $30 a week, I’ll be fine. Even if I pay $100 for shopping, I can somehow stretch it over a month. I’m not giving into people’s fussy eating demands, eat what you’re given or cook it yourself. I’m not a fucking restaurant.

So the next freaking dilema I’m in: When the hell can I finally pay a bloody plumber to install my water purifier! Seriously I want clean drinking water, not the bloody shit that comes out of the tap now. I don’t like drinking dirt and rust. I think the water is disgusting, we might as well be drinking dirty water without treating it, because chlorination isn’t improving the quality much. And I also have to get this bloody food processor. At some point after that I’m getting a TV. I just want a basic TV, not a $1000 one! Why anyone would even wish for me to buy an expensive TV is beyond me. I need a good food processor because I need to eat food every day, but I don’t need an expensive TV. So yeah, my life is on hold for months now. I can’t see myself going out much. Frigging hell, I like Brisbane but it’s expensive to live here, even with low rent. I’m going to start writing things in my phone to create a diary of what affects my life the most. It could be anything from buying too much to going out with friends too often. Stuff that I think gets in the way of me saving money. Stuff that prevents me from having me time. Stuff that gets in the road of my plans for the day, etc. It’s not friendships that are the issue. Not at all! It’s how I communicate with people that gets to me. Like if I say no to an outing or day trip or whatever, I don’t want to deal with the aftermath of offending someone.

Talking of communication, I’ve been asked by people so many times what I’ll do about an issue. Well, I take offense to that, because if I knew, I’d have started the process of resolving my current issues. If I had the answers to my problems, I wouldn’t need to complain, or whinge, or rant, or this, or that, and the list goes on. When people ask me, ‘what are you going to do about it’, it shows me they don’t care, or that maybe they don’t know and just won’t admit it. I’d rather be told, ‘I have no idea sorry’, or something to that degree, than to be asked a question I don’t know the answer to. And I also hate it when people discourage me too. Like if I learn a difficult O and M route, or try to cook a difficult dish, and some people just have to say ‘oh, well if you’re struggling and you’re too scared to learn, why do you even bother with the lessons!”‘ Fucking, far out! Just say ‘that’s not good you’re having a hard time, I hope it works out for you6’, instead. Look, everyone is entitled to their opinions, but please don’t talk me out of things or I’ll never learn! I mean, if somebody thinks I can’t do certain things, but I think I could learn or whatever the case, please don’t push your opinions. Just because you say I can’t do something doesn’t mean I think that way. I don’t live up to anyone’s expectations. I can’t stand when people use my emotional state to convince me I can’t manage with something. Like seriously! Just let me figure it out! I already have a hard enough time not giving up without anyone helping me to give up. I know I hate struggling, but I still want to live my life however I like. The other thing I fucking hate is that some people think I can still go out to entertain myself with my pension. I can’t actually. And staying home for a while to suit myself, is seen an me isolating myself and becoming withdrawn. Like for God’s fucaing sakes stop telling me what to do and stop telling me how I feel and all that. Just stop analysing me and my life! God, I’ll do what I want!. If I want to have some down time at home, that’s what I’ll do. The reality of the situation is that I cannot afford to go out every day and I can’t spend money whenever I feel like it. That’s why I’ve got no fucking money!!!!!!!!!! For heaven’s sake! I love entertainment and going out, but I can’t manage it and that’s just how it is. If I can’t even save money, how do you think I can afford to go on a day trip? NDIS only covers the support workers, not my fucking outings. And it’s a sad life catching up after paying off a debt, but that’s just how it is too. It’s like people only respect me if I have money, as soon as I’m out for two weeks, I get dumped. Oh well. Fuck off then if that’s how anyone wants to be with me. I’m not poor because I feel like it because I like having no money. I’m poor because of my frigging pension and I need expensive items to live a blind-friendly lifestyle that won’t harm or kill me. Yes peeps, I kid you not! Everything has to be safe, tactile, audio in some way, not easily bumped, sturdy, failsafe, basically the grownup version of child-friendly. Yes it’s bullshit. But that’s just how reality is. If I could change it, I would! Everything in my life has to be vision impaired friendly just so I can survive and not get crook because I can’t see what I’m doing and I need devices and gadgets that I can use safely. I need my phone so I can time cooking meat so I don’t bugger up any meals, etc. Yeah, my life is complicated. And I need bloody medicine just to keep the right nutrition levels in my body so I don’t collapse from over-heating, don’t dehydrate, don’t do all sorts of funny things, plus stay healthy while I’m at it. Yep, being born prematurely is great!!!!!!!! Yeah right, I don’t think so. I bet you a million bucks that my next attempt at saving money in different ways, will fail with psychiatric judgment bullshit, insistence at me from some people that I must go out, it must be boring staying home… etc. Look, yes staying at home is boring, but having no money to spend is even worse! Basically, spend my money or you don’t give a fuck about me, is the message I’m getting – not from every person, but most people. That’s the impression I get, anyway. Well, that’s too bad! I can’t help it if I have to stay home so I can pay bills and rent. the reason I allow support workers to take over and help me is because I know they have to help people both live a life and stay alive, according to their individual needs with disabilities. I wouldn’t allow anyone else to assist me like that, unless they just wanted to shout me a meal. That’s up to them. But I’m not about to appreciate a suck-up-the-arse situation where I’m hard-done-by so I need sympathetic support. No, thank you. I’ll help myself, and if I want sympathy I’ll ask for it. And, if I truly need assistance, community support workers will help me, that’s what they’re there for, so I don’t burden the rest of society.

I’ve just had a long shower and washed my hair. This gave me nearly half an hour to think up another loooooooong rave. So be ready guys, please be prepared to read for as long as it takes. I’ve written long posts before, but this may be a world record. So… I’ve been thinking of how people treat disabled people differently from non-disabled. I should say, people with disabilities. But for my own sake of arguing, I’ll use the word disabled, since it basically means the same thing and shortens my writing a little. Not this entry of course, but you know what I mean… Anyway, I’ve been wondering why some people use different tones when talking to disabled persons. If you stood me next to a sighted person, I’d look average. In other words, not much different from the sighted person. Now most people would come up to me and say hi and how are you, in a typical, normal conversational tone, and life would go on as it does. But for whatever reason, some folks just have to add fancy undertones to their conversations with me. Like, why? Why can’t you just treat me like you’d treat anybody, and just accept that you’d hate the idea of going blind, but that’s all there is to it. Other than wondering how I manage to exist, which is fair enough, can’t you just leave it at that and just have a typical chitchat? Come on, ask away all you want! Everyone doesn’t know everything about all disabilities. But don’t act like I can’t understand English or that I don’t know how to have a conversation. I fail to understand how anyone on earth could dehumanise disabled people, or put them to the level of a baby. There’s so many disabilities but for argument’s sake, I’ll focus on the disabilities that aren’t obvious, like blindness, epilepsy, etc. Of course some people have cognitive problems, can’t move, breathe, eat, whatever. But every disabled person doesn’t need to be molycoddled and cooed at. The thing that really pisses me off about how blind people are treated, is that some people think I need constand supervision, and even deliberately show disrespect if I don’t have a support person with me. Next time I’m going to have a go at a particular postal worker who I growled at yesterday. The carer had to quickly take me away before me and the guy really got going. I don’t hate many people, usually I jump up and down at the thought of greeting someone!!!!!!! But I really detest this person, I’m jumping up and down at the idea of biting his ugly face off. He’s a bastard! He respects sighted people but is nasty to disabled people. I will bite next time and it won’t be pretty. I’ll bully the shit out of him. He can fuck himself. That’s why I’m so racist, wankers like him who disrespects certain people groups including disabled people and then he’ll turn around and play the victim card if he’s bullied. He can ping off and get another bloody job.

Next: medical people and their shit-for-brains money-making crap. They go to uni to learn a whole lot of useless shit, and they can’t even prolong anyone’s lives anyway! Jhe only difference between modern and ancient doctors is their use of technology. For example, Vitamin medications, and quite a few other drugs, can be made into an edible form such as lollies or other substances that have a pleasant taste when consumed. We never used to have such forms of medicines. Doctors never used to use computers, now they can’t live without them. I could go on for ever. Doctors have changed their views on food, biology, antibiotic use, surgical procedures, etc. But they still can’t cure HIV and Aids, cancer, drug resistant bugs, and a whole host of issues which you’d think doctors can fix nowadays. The medical community has come a long way with a lot of stuff: fixing most heart problems, preventing Diabetes most of the time, preventing the spread of some types of cancer, blah blah blah! But medical people still have a heck of a way to go before any major health care improvements generally speaking, can be seen. Look at sickness medications, for example. They’re advertised to suppress or reduce nausea and vomiting. Well, the truth is, they don’t do either. Sickness medicine is a waste of time and causes more harm than good. Then there’s chemotherapy medicines. Maybe chemotherapy helps a few people in the long run. But for most people, all it does is cause you to get sick and die anyway. Why would I take my chances to try to cure cancer if all I’ll do is suffer more from the treatments than from the disease? Then I still may die, which is highly likely. So hopefully I don’t get cancer. But I’ve already refused any treatments for sickness and pain should it arise one day, because medications simply don’t resolve pain and vomiting. The only time medicine works for me is if I’m not vomiting and I’m not terribly sick so Panadol and some decongestants work well for mild cases of persistent pain and very mild nausea. But should I start spewing or feel a lot of pain, forget it. I need hospital-grade medication in a drip as a continuous dose, and heart monitoring to make sure the meds don’t damage it. And those meds have to be strong enough to keep me only half awake until I no longer need them. As for typical painkillers which leave me worse for ware, and typical sickness meds, you’re wasting your time. Once I realise I’m too uncomfortable to keep going, the old-fashioned dehydrate and starve method is on. And if I’m dragged to hospital, I won’t eat or drink there either. This stupid bullcrap of suffer, fix, suffer, fix, just doesn’t do justice for me. Either rip all my teeth out or shoot me. I don’t need to live with sore teeth for the rest of my life because the dentist is too heartless to respect my wishes. Dentures aren’t ideal for anyone, buj sore teeth aren’t any better. I’d rather have false teeth than a sore mouth. My wisdom tooth surgery hasn’t worked, all it did was leave a gap in the back of my mouth where those teeth are missing, the rest of my teeth are crowded and crooked and aren’t filling the back of my mouth. My mouth isn’t any better than it was before surgery, it’s just not bleeding any more. I’m to get a private dentist to pull all my teeth. Private practices can pull teeth in their clinics; it’s the public practices that bullshit about anaesthetic is best for pulling teeth, excuses excuses. Yeah sure, the public system isn’j funded to do procedures outside the hospital setting. So this time I’m going private and I’m getting them to pull my teeth out. If they don’t, I’ll go mad and tell them either they do that or I’ll find another dentist, unless they can do something which guarantees that my teeth won’t hurt any more. If they don’t help, I’m going to starve to death. Doctors have no fucking idea how to help anybody. All they’e after is the money. If they don’t prove me wrong, I won’t change my opinion of medical people. I definitely will never trust doctors, ever, if they don’t find medicine I’m not allergic to. Why should I trust any doctor who is just going to make me sick? Fuck the medical people, all they’ve done is hurt me. I’ll take some non-prescription stuff as needed, but there’s no way any doctor will force me to take prescription medicines. They don’t deserve my respect. I know another person who was harmed by the very people who were supposed to help him. Yeah, that’s two of us. Hey, I need pain relief, so yeah1now I’m spewing up, which is just fine. No, fucking way Jose! Vomiting and nausea is not pain relief or pain management. This is exactly why so many people distrust the medical proffession. They’re just con-artists. The ones who don’t happen to be con-artists, are in a hopeless dilema when they can’t physically help me because I’m untreatable which essentially makes any problems incurable for me. I don’t have a terminal illness, but the fact that I can’t take most meds, makes me terminal, because if I were to develope a treatable illness, it wouldn’t be treatable in my case. All because my mother and her doctors at the time were heartless beasts and kept me alive so I could suffer. Yeah! So much for the mother-fucking hypocratic oath! Show me a doctor who follows his/her creed and I’ll change my mind about how I think of them.

Now on to something more cheerful. Well, I say cheerful, because it’s in regards to reading heaps of iBooks. But the subject matter isn’t so cheerful in some of these books. The stuff I read about how Jewish people were treated in World War II is attrocious. Yeah I’m sure other people were killed and mistreated too. Jews weren’t the only persecuted group. But of all the sad cases of neglect and mistreatment, Jewish people at that time had it the worst. They were marked for extermination, so I guess in the minds of the Nazis, Jews weren’t human so mistreatment wasn’t really a term if you were dealing with Jewish people. Just thinking about their way of thinking makes me sick. Jews struggled against the current pretty much. The struggled to survive but couldn’t fight back. Mistreating anybody is horrible enough, but treating Jewish with the most vile attrocities was deemed ok because these ‘weren’t people’ to paraphrase it. Oh my God! We wouldn’t treat pigs let alone any other animals, like this! It makes me so sad that people are saying the Hollocaust never occured. Holy shit! But yeah, go read a few books on the subject and you’ll see what I mean! I’ve nearly finished reading this book. It’s really sad but has a happy ending: the guy survived during WWII, and lives to tell the tale. Otherwise, the details are horrifying. The bloke does write about happy things too, and thankfully he is much better than he was ten years ago, but man the book is heart-rending! I couldn’t survive the shit that he wrot about. And his poor parents! Geeze, I wouldn’t know what to do if I had to face my son’s possible demise at the hands of a ruthless people. And many people these days put on the victim card and the race card. Wow! Maybe read a few World War 1 and 2 books and you’ll have a different perspective then. Some people don’t believe the facts of history, and that’s fine. But don’t play the hard-done-by act on me until you experience a world war and mistreatment. These days most of us have it easy. Some of these books I love to read give me nightmares because of how disturbing they are. Why read them, you may ask. Because I like to know how other people live today and how they lived in the past.

Ranting and weather

August 9, 2018

I’m having a great morning so far. I set up my fridge so I can cook food in the ovnen for the next couple of days while I steam the vegies that need to be used up urgently. I’m sure I must be doing something wrong when I use the oven. I warned J to let some people know that if my smoke alarm goes off tomorrow, it means I’m cooking chicken legs in the oven and not to worry. I’m going to try turning the chicken legs after 40 minutes, then leave them for another 40 minutes, on 200 degrees C. So if the heat and/or odours become a bit smoky, the alarm will trigger. I hope it won’t, but I need to work in the kitchen all the time so I can tell my OT what I’m struggling with most of the time. Maybe it won’t be so difficult to cook chicken if I can actually get the timing right haha! This is when I really hate cooking a lot! But I like cooking most of the time now because I know how to cook a few different meals. I’ve got a lot of frozen meals still, so if I need a break from cooking for a week or two, I won’t go hungry.

The support left my place half an hour ago. So since then, I’ve been reading through a lot of blogs. I found this post which reiterates my point about writing about controversial topics. If you want my opinion on the subject of writing posts, well first, write what you want. It’s your blog. I do the same, I just write. Secondly, if people want you, or me, or anyone else to consider deleting posts, forget it! People have no right to decide what you can and can’t do with your blog. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to read it. It’s the same with comments. Instead of growling at someone to stop writing nasty comments, use the delete button provided. Otherwise, just let it go. I’ve had people in the past tell me to delete comments and posts. You know what? It’s all about who you give your power to. Just don’t give your power to anyone who tries to control you. I don’t listen to people who don’t me to keep my blog site either. I don’t need a boss to run my life. And to those who’d insist or demand others to change their posts or whatever, please stop it! You don’t own other people, if you think you can make a better blog than someone else, go ahead and make your own blog site. And if you don’t like what someone says, making them feel so bad as to delete their site isn’t helping anyone. All I will say is, stop bullying people and let them be. They aren’t harming anyone else, so maybe you should butt out and leave the blog sites. As for me being vulnerable and some people might be nasty to me, look! There are nasty people everywhere! And my vulnerability depends on the situation I’m in. I’ll probably get bullied or attacked even if I don’t have a blog site. Or maybe I won’t get attacked. But if all I did was look for a devil behind every tree, I’d stop breathing, I wouldn’t leave my couch, I’d leave the phone off, I’d bloody die! If all anyone wants to do is scaremonger me, it ain’t gonna work with me. Not that everyone is like that… I’m just sayin’.

I’ve got all afternoon free. Tonight I’m cooking a meal for myself. I find it difficult to cook for other people as well as myself. K, the lady I’ve discussed a few times – she’s a picky eater so I don’t want to go out of my way to feed her. She has carer support, let them feed her. I’m not anybody’s carer. I’m also not a restaurant business. So I don’t have to do anything for anybody. I’m also not obliged to help anyone, I just choose to help people sometimes. So I’ve got the afternoon free, so I may just walk to the shops. I like to sit around for a while, but then I get bored and I just can’t sit still for ever4 It’s too fucking difficult for me, I need to be on the move all the time. I’ll put my phone on the charger for a few minutes before I leave. I want full charge so I can stay at the library for at least two hours. I love to use the Wi-fi to do a lot of Internet browsing, and reading. My iBooks app milks data if I attempt to read an entire book in one sitting, so I’ll keep reading time for the library so I can drain the Wi-fi instead! Plus I never get distracted there, so I can easily read for bloody hours and I’d never be disturbed except by the announcement for closing time. Maybe that’s what I’ll do: read for three hours then listen to some YouTube videos, then catch a taxi home if it’s too cold to walk.

I went to J’s place and will be going to the shops tomorrow. His carer was there and V, his ugly girlfriend, was at home where she belongs. At least I don’t sit on my bum hole all day and be a burden to everyone else. Oh well, that’s her, she wonders why nobody likes her. She’s deluded and twisted in the head. So are some others who live and work here. Ah well. I have my own life and that’s the main thing. I didn’t come here for everyone to walk all over me. I’m not a bloody door-mat. It’s nice and cool now so I’m not going to turn the heater on yet. I’ve got all the windows open, I need air to circulate through this unit so it doesn’t go mouldy and stinky. I had a good meal when I got home from J’s place and now it’s nearly a quarter past five tonight and I’m relaxing. I was talking to J’s carer about cooking chicken today, and she said I don’t cook it at a high enough temperature, that’s why it has a soggy texture and strong flavour to it, like it needs a lot more temperature to really cook it in the middle. So tomorrow when I get home from the shops, I’m going to try baking chicken legs, and if the smoke alarm goes off, so be it. It’s not like I cause the smoke alarm to go off on purpose. I think they’re good for actual fire situations, but it goes off so many times unnecessarily that sometimes I want to rip it off the wall and destroy it. I believe smoke alarms serve a purpose, but in small units they’re just a hassle and waste of time. Hopefully this time, I’ll achieve that evenly cooked texture right through the chicken legs. I ate two chicken wings today and they were perfect, crispy but not burnt, or dry! They were cooked just right. I’ll see how I go tomorrow, but I’m determined to cook the perfect chicken. And if the stupid smoke alarm starts, I’ll tell the neighbour to smash it. I can’t stand fucking crappy noise. For God’s sake, sometimes smoke comes off food, it’s just how it is when you deal with very hot food. At least I haven’t given up yet. I don’t plan to either, I like to do things myself.

I have to get a new set of measuring spoons tomorrow I’m chucking the other ones when I bring the new ones home. If anyone fucking touches my kitchenware, I’ll friggin’ scream. Everyone knows I can’t see, and I don’t want my stuff to go missing because nobody gives a shit! Well, I do give a shit and this is not going to continue! Every time some people come in here, my stuff goes missing. Now I am nasty and save for three people who haven’t misplaced/thrown anything away, I’ll pretend to not be home. I’m sick of the crap. So not only did I have to replace a can-opener, I have to get a new measuring spoon set. If it wasn’t for a lot of crappy unit blocks around, I’d be moving somewhere else. And if people don’t like where I move, then stay away. I don’t care. Transport isn’t an excuse, it’s obvious to me that people are lazy and won’t make the effort to visit me, so why should I visit them? ‘Oh, if I have to get a cab, I won’t come around6’ That’s fine, if I was a real friend, you’d come around anyway. If you have a tight budget, that’s different. But if you’d rather not waste money on a taxi when you could easily come over, then goodbye to you. Real friends make some compromises from time to time. Some people won’t spend money od a taxi but they will gladly waste petrol money by expecting family members to take them everywhere. You can’t get anything for free, you know!

I can’t wait till next Friday now! I’m checking out a water purifier and will probably buy a new TV as well. And while I’ve got the opportun

Venting and thoughts

August 8, 2018

I’m lying down for the night, so I figure I’d write for a while. I slept in this morning and woke up to K knocking at the door. She and I talked for a while before she left for the day. J came around and eventually we walked to the shopping centre after chatting for a while. We had a sandwich and coffee and I bought a few things. When I got home I walked around because I didn’t want to sit around all day. I walked back to the shops to spend an hour in the library browsing You-Tube. I came home and me and J got in to a cab and went to the butcher’s shop. I bought some meat after J bought what he wanted, then I came home and sat around before cooking chicken to go on sandwiches. The oven stank for a bit but I turned the oven off for about ten minutes before turning it back on. The smell went away and I cooked the chicken for about fifty minutes, then turned it over for twenty minutes. It was a fraction under 180 degrees C, so when I put it on bread for me and J, I wondered why there was fatty stuff all through it, and it had quite a strong chicken flavour. J ate all of his chicken sandwhich, he said he couldn’t detect any raw chicken at all, just that it was fatty. Kind of reminded me of when I cooked chicken wings, and I was relieved to know that they were cooked properly! Next time I bake chicken breasts, I’m going to test cooking them for forty minutes before flipping them over for another forty minutes, this time on 200 degree heat. I just don’t want the chicken to burn on the outside. I think chicken is difficult to cook. I wanted to put an audio recording on my YouTube channel but no, J and K came over and I didn’t get any private time today. Tonight I can spend time to myself, but it’s not the same as spending time to myself whenever I feel like. Once again, not about me. Me me me! What about me? Why is my life always about someone else? I’m not married to these people. I’m going to have to start being rude and simply pretend to be out or asleep. I’m sure other people do it. I’m starting this change from tomorrow. I can’t be totally honest and nice because if I say ‘no you can’t come in’, I’d be the worst person ever.

I did some more browsing of my blog and it got me thinking. I still don’t have a job, and here is why. When you click on the post I’ve referred to above, you should notice that I’m frustrated about workplace discrimination at the time of writing that post. Well, to say that I’m disgusted with the employment agencies is an understatement. I got no help and support at all from the last job agency. They either found jobs that I’d never be able to do, or they’d find jobs which I could possibly do, but weren’t part of my particular interest. The worst part was the job agency not helping me fight a discrimination case against Endeavour Industries, which discriminated me strictly because of my guide dog. The company didn’t consider guide dogs to be well-trained, that the Guide Dogs organisation is of a low standard, and also that VI people can’t look after a dog let alone while at work. Well, to hell with that job agency! And to hell with Vision Australia (nicknamed Vision Aufailure). I want nothing to do with them again. All VA does is rip off the vision impaired community. The organisation is just after money. At least Guide Dogs Australia actually puts the money where their mouth is and does what it can to help VI people. I simply cannot believe that this job agency cannot trust a doctor’s report, then lie in their paperwork about me and my dog. Absolutely fucking disgraceful! What about all the crap poor Troy had to put up with? This is just one example of what I dealt with from my family. Poor dog! I was expected to tolerate hell from him because he didn’t have his usual routine in place and I really got fed up with everything. This is why I can never live with any of my family again. I can’t tolerate their shit. If I wanted a pet dog, I wouldn’t have gotten a guide dog. And to think that I’m about to go back on the waiting list after making the decision to leave GDQ two years ago just to see if I’d do better with VA. Yeah right! I’m so glad I’m back with Guide Dogs! My finances with living in Brisbane is a real fucker at the moment, because some neighbours have become my surigate sons and daughters unwittingly. Yes, I mother people because their actual parents can’t deal with them, or perants are underground now. How very sad. I know I simply make the odd offer of cooking a feed, but some disabled people takes this to mean they need me to cook all the time. No, I won’t. I came to Link Vision to live my life. But I’ve given proverbial birth to four proverbial children, so my life belongs to the ‘kids’ now, not to me. If anyone asks me what I’ll do about it, I’m the wrong person to answer that question. If I knew, I wouldn’t be in this situation.

I thought that leaving my issues with Mum behind would mean a happier life. Nope! Living at Link Vision has presented me with a whole lot of different issues that I’ve had nowhere else. I think my problem is I can’t be mean enough to openly say go away, or at least be subtly rude and hard-hearted. I never ever, treat my friends like this, not ever. So why do they treat me like that. The good thing is that I can live in my own unit. I just live among nasty and/or prying and rude people. I think to myself, for God’s sake! Just piss off for a while! Damn you, leave me alone! I also like the fact that online shopping has improved over the years, so I can do my own shopping. As for church, I don’t go any more. I’m not interested. Furthermore, I have no idea how this Pastor is. We had a few disagreements and didn’t always see eye to eye, but at least we tried to get along. And then there’s CaringBridge. I’m thinking of deleting my account because I don’t read those journals any more.

I can’t decide if I’ll sleep in tomorrow or not. I guess I’ll see what I’ll get up to depending on when I wake up. After the support worker leaves when she’s finished cleaning, I have no idea if I’ll walk to the library or just stay home. I have to hide if I go out or my side-kick J just has to demand that I come home whenever he wants to talk to me. I ignore him anyway of course, but he’s just so fuckin’ annoying!!!!!!!!!!! The bloody nerve of some people! Oh, I also have to start writing that list for my OT, and it’s going to be a long one. I’m going to think of four things to write about each day until I think I’ve thought of everything I need her to show me, then I’ll send her my goal list next week. Cooking chicken properly will be at the top of the list. Maybe I do cook it well. But maybe I don’t, too. There seriously has to be a way for me to know when chicken is cooked well. I can cook it in the slow cooker just fine, so I can’t see why I can’t bake it in the oven. Anyway, this bullshit will be getting sorted soon. Believe me, when I’ve got baking issues sorted, I’ll be baking things every day whether the smoke alarm goes off or not. Shit happens in the kitchen, sometimes a fire scare is part and pa with the course! I hate the smoke alarm, but I also hate dying haha! So yep, I’ll just hope for the best, but if my smoke alarm does go off, people will have to suck it up. I just need to know that I’m eating properly cooked pork and chicken. I won’t do fish in the oven, that will be restricted to the slow cooker, and if I want fried fish, ah, I’ll just buy it.

Reminiscing… And other plans

August 8, 2018

I’ve been reading back through my blog again, like I’ve done a few times lately. But tonight I decided to go back to the beginning of my blog. Oh wow, comparing myself now, to how I was back then, is amazing! I always had a love-hate relationship with cooking, and now, I don’t hate cooking at all. Back in 2009 when I was cooking reasonably well, I sometimes hated cooking especially if I got frustrated or hurt myself. Since then, I’ve gone from liking cooking, to totally hating it and not wanting to cook anything for weeks. You should see such a trend between 2010 and 2011’s posts. Then there’s the use of my white cane. These days, I’m pretty good with my cane. I did struggle for a while but i got much better with it. When I first started out on my writing quest, or journey – call it what you will – I remembered struggling at times to get around with my cane before I got my guide dog. No, I think I struggle a bit with my cane, but not as much. I must say that my mother had some involvement in me getting behind on cane skills, not that she meant it on purpose to give me a hard time. We didn’t get on well most of the time, but that’s a different story. The fact is, Mum didn’t want to see me struggle to navigate through my surroundings every day with my cane. She kept insisting that I didn’t need a cane while I worked my guide dog. The problem was that the more I resisted using my cane, the worse I got with using my cane properly. I guess that because Mum is sighted, she didn’t truly understand how important it was for me to keep up with cane skills because Troy wasn’t always going to be able to guide me around me for whatever reason, so I needed to be able to use my cane. Under the circumstances of the time, I went along with it. I do wonder if this is why I took for ever to get used to my cane again after Troy retired. There were a lot of factors involved too, but almost never using my cane when I had Troy was the main factor for my inability to use my cane properly for such a long time. Now that Mum isn’t in my life for a number of reasons, O and M training is going well and I’m navigating my environment as well as I can, without someone hovering over me and correcting every apparent mistake all the time. My grandparents weren’t very good at allowing me to get around independently with my cane, by the way. Mum used to argue with them all the time. But when I was with Mum using my cane, we’d argue from time to time about the way I’d work my way through situations and all that. Hmmmmm, I couldn’t win no matter what. And now that I’m in Brisbane, I’m doing ok with getting around with my cane. And I’m doing a tonne better with cooking.

If you browse through my posts, you’ll probably find that before I moved to Brisbane back in 2016 (see archives), I had a lot of issues with family members and sometimes other people, interfering with mine and Troy’s training. My worst issue besides people petting him while he was working, was Troy being fed anything other than dog food and dog treats. Once again, I went along with the situation because I knew there would be a lot of conflict between me and whoever was feeding him. Basically, I had to follow the rules of the household whether they were good for Troy or not. I really hated that I couldn’t do anything about these problems. I still get angry thinking about it. This is why I’d never live with family members again. If I report problems with Troy being fed inappropriately or any other issue I don’t like because it may destroy a guide dog’s career or whatever the case, I’m seen as the worst person on earth, and I’d either have to accept the rules or move out. The thing is, when I moved to Cairns, I still had family interference! Even though I lived in my own rental unit, if family members came around, they’d tell me what’s best for me and Troy, when he was still working. Seriously! At least I could pretend to agree and when the relatives left, I’d just go back to my normal routine. When Guide Dogs Queensland got involved with helping me smoothing out some issues before Troy retired, I was told that sometimes to avoid conflict, you pretty much had to accept what the family wanted so long as the dog wasn’t being abused, because some situations will blow over once you get back to a normal routine back at home. Well, yeah that’s right actually. But I wasn’t permanently living with family at that stage. I had to move in with my grandparents while Ö prepared to move to Brisbane. So long as I kept a consistent routine with Troy, he’d be fine. What GDQ wasn’t happy about, and nor was I by the way, was when I’d lived with family before I left Darwin, and Mum and some other family members would expect me to make changes to mine and Troy’s working relationship to suit the family, whether it was ok to do so or not. I told GDQ staff that I’d get a new guide dog eventually, but not if I was living with family. Life was difficult enough without the guide dog. Having a guide dog wasn’t actually the difficult part. It was the controlling attitudes of the family that really fucked with me. Peruse my blog and you’ll see all the discussions about different problems and frustrations. Guide Dogs gives dog handlers strict rules for a good reason. They don’t just make shit up for the sake of wasting money. I had to ask questions too, and there were things which really got me mad. But I’d find out how to fix any shortcomings, until I got resistance from the family and the church Pastor when I used to go to church (so glad I don’t have anything to do with church anymore), then rinse and repeat the process. It’s so easy to put the blame on everyone and excessively blame yourself. But at the end of the day, living with my family while I had Troy wasn’t a good idea all around, and I’m glad I moved away. I’m glad I left Cairns too, because living near the family wasn’t working for me either. Some bloggers who I follow have wonderful family relationships and I admire them for it. Some of us are lucky, I suppose. The good news with all this is, I’m in Brisbane and having a great time without any family conflict. And I’m sure when I get a new guide dog, I shouldn’t have half the trouble I had when I was living with my mother because she couldn’t accept certain restrictions with me and Troy. To be honest, most of my family didn’t agree with everything regarding Troy’s life as a working dog. I feel like a cruel bitch when I enforce rules, but at the end of the day my dog is helping me and my safety depends on the dog not being distracted or interfered with.

I think my life is a lot better than it was in the past. I don’t plan to move back to Cairns again. I live in a good unit and I’ve got myself set up how I like it. I’m actually glad I wrote so much in my blog, because now I can compare parts of my existence to the way I exist now, and I can remind myself that I won’t have to put up with most of the issues I suffered through while living with my family. And I can tell people that I don’t have to change my rules to suit anyone. And when it comes to the dog, I’ll just complain every single time something goes wrong. Lol at least anyone who gives me or the dog a hard time can’t get away with it for long because it’ll be them leaving me alone, rather than me being kicked out of their place. All the times me and Mum used to argue about so many things, especially Troy, and how she wished I’d leave, and now I’m away and she wants me to live in a grany flat attached to their house! When I first moved to Cairns six years ago before I came to Brisbane, I said there was no way I’d live at Mum’s place in a gra

Voice-over crash

August 7, 2018

I was attempting to write a blog at the shopping centre earlier, but breakfast was brought to me while I was at Jamaica Blue, so I had to stop writing. I had a lovely feed, then did my shopping. The shop assistants are really nice people. I came home, chitchatted to friends over hot chocolate, and now I can finally do my blog. I’ll be doing nothing for the rest of the day. Cooking assistance for two hours, then sports for an hour. I can’t do pan-fried chicken, so that’s something I’ll get the OT to show me. When she has finally taught me enough cooking options, I’ll ring NDIA and provide evidence of learning to cook, then I’ll get a review and that will be it. If the Government knows that the occupational therapist has taught me how to prepare and cook food safely, they’ll happily take cooking assistance away. I’ll wait till I’ve spoken to the OT, then I’ll cancel cooking assistance. I like it when people help me cook, but I also like to help myself as much as I can.

Voice-over crashed on me twice last night. I can’t use any of my apps like YouTube or WordPress to read blogs and video comments anymore. I litterally have to do everything via email or Safari. Otherwise whenever I come across blogs and YouTube comments with a lot of graphics and symbols, voice-over stalls so that my phone still makes typical noises when I swipe the screen, but voice-over stops speaking, kind of like muting itself. It won’t come back to normal for like half an hour no matter what I do. I’ve tried rebooting the phone, turning voice-over on and off, I’ve gotten sighted people to turn it off and then back on in the settings, etc. But voice-over doesn’t start talking to me until it’s ready. It always takes twenty minutes for it to come out of a crash. So I have to use Safari to read blogs and use WordPress to write blogs and edit posts. It handles text blogs ok, it just doesn’t handle symbols and graphics in posts for some weird reason. Same with YouTube and Twitter. But, if I don’t use the apps and I go through Safari to read the same posts and comments with graphics and symbols in them, voice-over doesn’t crash at all. Very very weird! I hope Apple brings out a new update soon, it’s a long time coming. I’ll just keep mucking around with my phone until Apple gets sick of the crash reports lol! Before iOS 11, voice-over was perfect. Now I fucking have to use Safari just to read and interact with WordPress posts, and YouTube and Twitter. I know app developers get the blame, but it’s Apple’s fault, they make voice-over products so Apple shouldn’t force app developers to carry the responsiblility of fixing voice-over bugs since the app developers don’t create voice-over for smart phones.

I’ve just managed to change my email settings so I won’t receive any more emails from WordPress. I can use Safari to read blogs after I check WordPress notifications. I can read text-only blogs in the app and if I think any posts may cause voice-over to freeze, I’ll just use safari. It really sucks that I have to muck around like that just to keep voice-over working properly. But I also don’t want my email inbox to clog up either. I prefer to read blogs directly from the sites. Hopefully voice-over won’t cause more fucking crap for me, I hat Apple sometimes. They really need to get their shit together! On that note I’m sitting at the dining table relaxing. Some people seem to think I’m fucking indespensible too. Well I’m not friggin’ Super Woman! And the friggin’ shit that one of my friends goes on with about not being allowed to have ‘too much’ water, Jesus Christ!!!!!!!!!! She drinks too little water, then gets disoriented and confused until I gently convince her to drink more fluids by giving her tea and/or hot chocolate! It takes her half an hour to make sense of what I’m saying to her, and the same length of time to talk sensibly herself. She really needs supportive care. Nobody can drink excessively, but this lady takes it litterally and makes herself sick thinking that drinking more than one glass of water a day will drown her. She frightens me and sometimes I be cruel to be kind to save her from going to hospital because I care about her. I never boss people into doing anything they don’t want or like, but when it’s life-threatening, then yes I do force the issue. I don’t care how much people attack me, I just remind myself that dehydration and Diabetes causes it so I just keep giving the person flavour”red drinks until they’re back to normal. Then I leave them be. I’m going to let management know because drinking enough is a must, not an option. To make things more complicated, the lady has intelectual disabilities, so she doesn’t process information correctly so it takes a lot of cajoling and talking to her to make her come to her senses. And after she gets over fighting with me, she has totally forgotten what happened. She’s very lovely but has a string of medical issues so even if she’s nasty and aggressive, she doesn’t realise it at that point. I litterally have to keep talking to her until she calms down, and then doesn’t even know what happened, poor girl. She’s fine now though. I’m going to entice her to have another drink this arvo. She gets angry at me for bossing her around, but in reality she doesn’t like when anybody pushes fluids when she gets dehydrated. She doesn’t feel thirst. I know what it’s like, I had the same trouble last year so I’m stopping her from making the same mistake because getting an IV for dehydration won’t fix the situation for her because of her medical problems. She needs to be forced to drink before she gets severe dehydration, and as much as I hate it when she blames me for doing something wrong, I ignore her and keep distracting her until she comes back to normal. She’s never going to change so I’m never going to just let her deteriorate while she’s at my place. If she is at home and something happens, that’s Blue Care’s responsibility to deal with her. If something happens here, I deal with K while she’s having mild episodes. But if she deteriorates, I tell someone whether she likes it or not. We still get along most of the time so I know she only dislikes me for a little while, until she works out that I only get onto her if she’s dehydrated. All I do with her drinks is dilute them down in a sneaky way and underestimate how much water she’s getting so she won’t waste it. She is her own person, but K does have a serious medical disability can kill her if she’s not monitored closely. And she gets aggressive sometimes, but it’s hard for people to process the fact that if you give into K when she shouts and has tantrums, you’re basically asking for issues that K knows she may develop, but doesn’t understand the mechanisms for such complication risks e.g, dehydration, malnutrition, etc.

I’ve just spoken to Centacare management. I had a discussion with her about how I won’t need cooking assistance every month any more because my OT is helping me. Wow I’m so damned happy. The manager is allowing for cooking assistance for times of drastic need such as accidents and severe illness, but other than that, I’m fine yea! Good! I’m letting Guide Dogs know about this! Wow they’re gonna be so happy that the occupational therapy does help VI people! Now that I’ve got the chicken out of the freezer, I may end up baking it in the oven later. I want steamed vegies as well so I’m going to give it a go. I use non-stick cooking spray so I’m going to make an attempt at turning the chicken over with tongs and a fork, and if it works out, it does and it’s all good. If not, add this to my OT plan. Man I can’t wait to tell Guide Dogs! So there we go guys! I’ve juspoken to Guide Dogs, they’re updated on my situation with Centacare. Yep! My independence is coming along wow! FUCK YEAH! So that means I can get more O and M lessons yeeeeeheeeee! Good! I’m walking back to the shops soon! I want to go to the library. Yep, then I’ll be cooking dinner when I get home! Holy crap I’m freaking elated now. I let the Centacare manager know that I get out a lot now so she’s happy that I don’t need the other outing program, and I also told her how much I appreciated the help and support while I needed it. I go out nearly every day and I socialise all the time so manage to get a lot more exercise so when I’m at home I can relax more.

A reasonably good outing

August 6, 2018

I woke up late today. I had toast with a cup of coffee and some multi-vitamins. Me and Stacey went into the city on the train. I didn’t really like the trip much, I didn’t get time to relax and I’m not used to getting around on the trains after so many years of not using the train network. I couldn’t just sit back and play with my phone, an in the city, we walked around and had lunch but I didn’t get to relax and go into shops or anything like that because I was too busy listening to all the city bustle and exploring my surroundings out on the mall. So I found it hectic rather than relaxing, until we sat down for nearly two hours over lunch. I had a burger and chips and a small bottle of lemonaide. The only time I relaxed was when we sat down to lunch. I just couldn’t enjoy myself much. It’s nobody’s fault, it’s just that when I sense excitement or stress and I’m not used to such environments, I simply can’t relax properly.

It’s now 1:33 am and I still haven’t gone off to sleep. Once again, dinner was delightful! Roast chook with vegies was a hit. I put some meals in the freezer and will have some stirfry from the other night with tonight’s meal probably for lunch when I get home from the shops tomorrow. I can never just stay home for one day even if I know I need a break from going out every day. I know I don’t have to eat out though, I have food in the fridge. I was talking to staff at Coles yesterday, I’m going to train my new guide dog how to find grocery items. This is gonna be fucking amazing! I’ll see how I go teaching the dog but if it doesn’t work out, I’ll just forget about it. But I’m really hoping that I can get my dog to help me shop! Wow! I know it’ll take a long time, but I just want to do a trial and see what happens. If it works out, I’ll be able to do my own shopping. Yeeeeeaaaaa!!!!!!!!! This will definitely be increased independence for me! I had Troy help me find lost items at home mainly, so I’m going to take this another step further and see if I can teach my new dog how to find groceries for me. I think most dogs can be taught to do anything if you put enough time and patience in to them.

It’s now 3:15 pm on Monday afternoon. I didn’t get to finish my entry last night because I was falling asleep and me and Stacey kept talking. When I’ve got guests over, I get far too distracted to write. Maybe I should have done an audio recording instead, but I couldn’t be bothered. I’m just not up for doing audio recordings of late. I’m sure eventually I’ll get back into the audiography game, but for now I’ll keep writing because besides audio stuff, writing is my favourite passtime. I’m not exactly into writing a book, although technically this blog site can be counted as a book, but I am into writing about my daily happenings and struggles, and whatever else comes to mind. I like jotting my thoughts down for my own benefit, and for others to read if they’d like. Like I said many a time and ö’ll say it again: I don’t expect anyone to read my blog. I have no problem with people reading/listening, to my posts (refer to my YouTube channel), people don’t have to do anything let alone read my blog. But since I like writing so much, I figure that letting people read my journal is a good thing both for me and for them. If I really didn’t want people to read my writing, I wouldn’t make it public. In the past, some people have complained about my writing. Well, if someone doesn’t want to see what I write, then don’t read it! I don’t have to stop writing because a few folks don’t want to read apparently negative or offensive content. Ok, so if you’re offended, then find another blog site, and don’t tell me to write about different topics. At the end of the day, this blog site is about me, and as much as I love to entertain other people, I can’t please everybody and what you see is what you get here. Sorry if some of my posts appear nasty or harsh, but I’m writing my opinions and writing about reality the way I see it, whether anyone likes it or not. Obviously if people want to hear more about certain areas of my life, like how I deal with discrimination, O and M training, etc etc, then yes, I can write about it because I can get a lot of things off my chest and I can interest other people because readers need something worthwhile to think about. Life can’t be all doom and gloom lol! But I guess I can give pre-warnings, like skip this post if you find this upsetting, or what I’m about to say isn’t very uplifting, so read at your own risk, things like that. This way, people have a chance to avoid things they really aren’t ready to think about/accept/read about, at the time. Fair enough! But at the same time, I’m going to write what’s on my mind, this is why I’ve created this blog in the first place. It’s both for my own theraputic benefit, and to entertain others. But what really offends me is people telling me to stop writing about this, stop writing about that, stop using swear words. Look guys, I know everyone can see what I’ve written except when I privatise posts. But my point is that you don’t have to read what offends you. But I won’t tolerate anyone getting up me for writing. Either skip the posts you don’t like or find another blog you may be more interested in.

I’m going to spend the night reading blogs. I could read them all day and not notice the time flying by. Tomorrow… Well I have no idea what I’ll get up to. I have cooking assistance in the afternoon and I really have no idea when I’ll get more O and M lessons. When I’ve got the hairdresser route down pat, I’ll be doing a lot of lessons with the train network. I struggle to rush on and off trains when I’m with Stacey. It’s gonna take a while to get used to the trains. After I finally get a hang of train travel, I’ll be learning travel to and from the RSL, the walk to and from the butcher’s shop, and eventually travel to and from a swimming pool, whichever one will be the easiest to get around. Then……… Drumroll………..

GUIDE DOGS APPLICATION PROCESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course I’ll still be doing O and M training in the meantime, I’ll have enough travel routes for me to be accepted onto the waiting list. Wow man! I’m definitely getting somewhere with my life now. Anyway, I’m about to leave the shops now, so I’ll finish this blog when I get home.

It’s a bit after five pm and I’m coming to you live from my balcony. I just finished the last of my chicken stirfry. The birds are chirping loud and clear. Dogs are barking, the environment is peaceful and I’m having a fantastic night. I had a coffee at the shops and the place was fairly packed. I enjoyed the walk home and dished out some food to a couple of people. Now I’m drinking a big cup of water and relaxing. It was lovely having Stacey over, but now that she’s home, I can enjoy some quiet time to myself while I sit outside while the weather isn’t too cold. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the shops again, and hopefully I can walk home. I don’t plan to buy a lot of groceries. Next week I’m buying stuff for making potato bake. I’ll also be telling Centacare and NDIA that my OT has taught me enough about how to handle myself in the kitchen, that I won’t need cooking assistance an more. I feel that this is really great news! I knew someone would be able to set me up for doing my own thing in the kitchen, but not exactly how anyone could do this. But now that GDQ is back in the picture, well… Things are going in the right direction. I still need help with house-cleaning and some community support stuff like going to places I can’t get to, things like that really, and the O and M program with Guide Dogs. I’m just so happy that I no longer need cooking assistance. I’ve been lectured over and over about how to handle raw and cooked meat safely, so now I’m certain that I’m not harming myself when I prepare and cook food. I’m the same with vegetables. I cook them in such a way that I won’t be poisoned or develop kidney stones or other complications because I eat so many vegies all the time; the more vegetables you eat, the higher the risk for getting sick if some of the food isn’t cooked enough. I won’t cook or eat eggplant, but I’m sure some of my favourite vegie dishes would contain cyonide, so I simply cook all vegies really well except if it’s carrot, broccoli or cellery. I still cook those as well as possible for texture and flavour, but if it’s a little crispy, I don’t worry about it. So yeah, the fact that I can now cook independently is freaking wonderful! I suppose I’ll have to get a letter from Guide Dogs when I ring them tomorrow. Then I’ll have to explain my situation to Centacare. Then I’ll find a support worker from somewhere who can take me out each week for five hours. There’s no point in getting funding when it won’t be used for anything.

5 August, 2018 01:24

August 5, 2018

I decided to sleep in. I had a really good sleep this time. I then decided to have a good drink of water before walking to the shops so I could think of what to write while I got a bit of exercise. For those who get writer’s block, exercise really does help believe it or not! Now that I’m actually sitting at the bakery/coffee shop, I’m getting distracted by hearing other people talking, being attentive to shop assistants bringing my food and drink over, and Braille Screen Input playing up on me. Come on Apple, when you do your updates, please fix the damned issues with the software too! Oh well, at least I’m able to keep writing. And I’m in no hurry to finish my coffee, and I’m having a drag along breakfast. Stacey may be coming over today, so I may as well sit around here so it’s easier for me to walk to the crossing point near the train station without feeling rushed. I’ll get the ingredients for tonight’s dinner and I’ll come home and snack on leftover food, etc. I seriously have to work out how to set up my freezer so I can’t accidentally get the wrong food out. I honestly couldn’t find the mince yesterday, but today I found a freezer bag on the top shelf near the back of the freezer. I have the fridge/freezer type, where the freezer is on top of the fridge. So anyway, I think I finally found the mince, I hope it’s not something else, but I’m fairly sure it’s the bloody illusive pack of mince! If it is, tomorrow I’m making rissoles. I’ve been dying to make them for weeks now. I’m going to pray that Coles has diced chicken today because I hate cutting raw meat! When I buy food from the butcher next time, I’m gonna start dividing meat into freezer bags because some of their packaged products are cut into different sizes or segments, for different purposes, such large slabs of beef steak for eating with vegies and smaller pieces of steak for burgers and sandwiches. It sucks really, because really, when I want crumbed steak to go with vegetables, sometimes I actually don’t want minute steaks. I’d much prefer thick slabs of meat in the first place. I’ll be sorting this out when I go to the butcher next week. I think the online ordering system is brilliant though. The site plays up a little with screen-readers, but overall the site is fairly accessible and it’s easy enough to pay for your meat order before going to pick it up. Otherwise, you simply go to the shop to ask them what they’ve got in at the time, then let them know what you want and how you want it prepared. The only meat I’ll get from Coles now, is cooked roast chicken, sliced meat and some prepared cuts of meat such as roasts and flavoured meat like marinated packaged meat. With that said, I still think butcher’s meat is a lot fresher whether packaged or bagged ready for immediate use. That is, meat which you buy per kilogram rather than pre-packed. Still, if I’m at Coles, I know which meat to keep away from if ever I have to buy something when I’m not near a butcher’s shop. Pickled pork is always delicious, I think I’ll buy one next week and roast it.

11349 am: Now I’m at home. I got my shopping out of the road and will be making a steak sandwich soon. And I’ve just realised that the fresh meat that I put in a container to cook today, has to be chucked out. It has a 24-hour expiry. That sucks, I will be dividing trays of meat next time. I hate wasting expensive meat that I could have cooked yesterday but didn’t get time to cook it. Bugger! Damn! At least I have one piece of cooked steak that I can eat. I have to use the mince tomorrow though. I can’t wait to make the rissoles. I also managed to upload one blog to my YouTube channel but of course people were talking and I was caught up in conversations so I had to forget about a second upload that I was waiting for it to go up on the Tube, but oh well whatever! It seems that these days I can’t do what I want to do. It’s never about me, always about them. What about me? Just because I love entertaining people doesn’t mean my life is all about everyone else. Right or wrong, I wish people would give me some space to myself sometimes. It’s more the fact that I let people come over because that’s my decision to let them come around. But later, other people who I don’t expect to rock up, comes over, then more people. So each person or groups of people don’t know that I’ve already had visitors. So what I’m basically trying to say is, I like when Stacey comes over. But tomorrow, somone else will come around, not knowing I’ve got a visitor. But I can’t be rude and send them away, as much as I’d like to. The next day, J wants to come around, then let’s call her K, wants to come around! See what I mean? If I make plans for people to come over, different story. But half the visitors aren’t planned invitations. Yet I still can’t be rude.

2:01 pm: I’m waiting for Stacey. I ate crumbed steak for lunch. The weather is hot, so i drank a tonne before walking to the train station. I met a VI guy with his new guide dog along the way, had a quick chitchat and kept walking. They’re doing well. I’ll be back later, Stacey is here.

It’s now a quarter past seven at night and I still haven’t sent this entry. I did cook chicken stirfry tonight and it was wonderful. The rice was delicious too, so I ate heaps of it. I knew I should have cooked more rice to mix into the stirfry, but oh well, I can always cook another batch of rice tomorrow. I’ll be having stirfry for breaky and rissoles tomorrow night, so I’m going to cook rice in the morning and eat some of it with breakfast, and pack the rest of it away for dinner. I’m just so frigging glad I’ve started cooking independently again and I enjoy it! I never thought I’d come to love cooking, but seriously I have, and I’m glad for it. Next week I’ll be doing lamb chops and vegies. The week after, potato bake. I’m hoping that eventually I won’t need assistance with cooking at all. I like to be able to do things independently. Actually, if If I could do a lot more outings independently, I’d not need carer support again.

Dinner with friends, and busy day tomorrow

August 3, 2018

I woke up feeling like crap this morning. I didn’t sleep very well last night. I slept from a bit after 2 am to like, maybe seven-thirty. So I lay on the couch for a few hours and finally got a taxi to the shops. I went to the chemist and got some olive leaf extract losengers. You can get different flavours. I also got some Lemsip Max which I took when I got home. J, the bloke who really pisses me off sometimes, insisted on buying all the groceries today. Yeah, he needs carer support big time. But that’s a different story. I had a pie and hot chocolate for lunch before getting the shopping done. Came home, had my Lemsip and rested for an hour to edit my blog and make some audio recordings, then I felt ok so I got moving and cleaned up in the kitchen and started cooking. Sadly, I couldn’t find the mince in the freezer to make rissoles. I accidentally got diced chicken instead. So I whipped up a chicken stirfry, which thankfully I can do very well now! Then I took sausages from the freezer and trays of steaks from the fridge. I cooked a great big meal for me and two other people. I’m going to pack my stirfry away in the freezer tomorrow. Anyway, I made a big meal of steak and sausages with vegies which took almost three hours to prepare. I gave sausages to another lady friend too because I cooked lots of them just for fun, and for cooking practice so the occupational therapist can continue to teach me different kitchen hacks. She will also help me with other things, like marking my new toaster with tactile puff-paint markings, and putting some kind of identifier on pairs of socks, etc. Dinner turned out wonderful and I’d do it again in a heartbeat! Next week I’m cooking lamb chops with pumpkin and broccoli. Me and my lady friend who lives in the units here, we’ll have a good meal on Thursday night. Tomorrow night me and Stacey are having chicken stirfry. I don’t know what we’ll have for lunch, or even if we will eat lunch. We’ll be sitting around listening to music and chitchatting. I want to fit in some reading too, both Braille books and blogs.

I was flicking through my posts today and I found a whole lot of missing time gaps, such as posts being written months apart. I had to delete a whole heap of audio posts which made up the bulk of some monthly post archives, becauise I don’t use Audioboom any more and I don’t have an Audioboom account, which makes for a lot of dead links with no audio content. So after I cleaned up my blog, there wasn’t much in the way of written posts about Troy’s retirement and getting birds and such. I did mention stuff about Troy and the birds, but there was a lot of things I didn’t write down because I was making audio blogs when I had my Audioboom account. Now I use YouTube so I shouldn’t have difficulties with keeping audio blogs. So yeah, I haven’t got a lot of memories of Troy in my blog since his retirement. Or my birds which I couldn’t look after successfully, until the canary came into the picture. But sadly Whisky died one day after going to live with my support worker. A bird attacked him through the bars of his cage. Poor canary, Whisky was the best bird I had, and ironically he wasn’t tamed, yet somehow we still got along well most of the time. The budgies stayed with people a pet shop lady knew, and another hand-reared budgie stayed with this pet shop lady when she developed a biting habit which is natural for most female budgies. She became aggressive though, and she wouldn’t become friendly. Birds are cute and all, but I think I’ll stick to looking after dogs. Most dogs are a lot friendlier and are much more trainable.

Talking of irony, when Troy was re-homed, this pet shop lady knew of a lady who fosters dogs. Funilly enough I also know the same lady lol! Wow, everything works out doesn’t it? I hated to get rid of Troy just because of some heartless fucking no-pets policy which bars any kind of animals including fish. But I’m a lot happier now that I know I can visit Troy again. Still, it would have been better if I’d kept Troy. I’m just so glad Troy didn’t go to someone who didn’t know me or him. God know what may have happened! At least with people I know, I know them well enough to judge how well Troy will cope with living with that person. I was panicking for months about him. I can’t wait to go to Cairns now. The good thing about Troy’s retirement was that he didn’t react or anything, and I didn’t feel as sad as I expect to be, because I figured that Troy was getting older and dogs can’t work for ever. Plus he was still very healthy and he needs to enjoy his life as a pet dog while he’s still fit and well. He’s still living the high life today and I couldn’t have hoped for anything better! Troy could have worked well for another year but Guide Dogs ends dogs’ careers as soon as they turn ten for safety and health reasons. Now That I know Troy is well and happy, I really hope the budgies are ok too. I was going to ring this pet shop to as k about the budgies, but I never seem to get around to it. I don’t reckon I’d tolerate rehoming another guide dog though. I thought it was horrible to retire Troy let alone have to rehome him. And that was over a fucking no-pets clause. In my opinion retired service dogs shouldn’t be included in no-pets policies. I think any management of any property estate who refuses to allow retired service dogs into rental units is heartless because they know that most retired service animals are lovely companions. I don’t care what anyone says, people have the right to make decisions regarding their retired service dogs. If people aren’t feeding the dog or paying for its vet bills, then they really have no business bossing the dog’s owner around and deciding what’s best for them and their dog. Some people are such bloody busy-bodies.

Awesome afternoon

August 2, 2018

I’m at home from the butcher. I sat here for half an hour editing my blog before deciding to write. I haven’t even bothered to get a feed ready. I guess my site is taking over my life. I did some more audio recordings which I’ll upload tomorrow. I definitely think the butcher’s shop is the right one. I went in and my order was waiting for me, so I was in there for less than two minutes. Fucking awesome! The taxi driver was happy! I’ll be going back there next week. Wow I can’t wait! I really like their meat. I wanted to make risoles this week but the sad news is that I have to eat fish curry and other meals from my freezer first. So I’m gonna take forever to get around to making them. I have to buy vegies tomorrow for tomorrow night’s dinner, and God only knows how I’ll fit more food into the fridge on Saturday! I consider meals to be fresh for two days, then they go in the bin. I really hope I don’t accidentally overload the fridge and waste a tonne of food. That would really make me livid. I have my own routine set up with eating whenever I feel like it so it’s very easy for me to overload the fridge when I invite people over for meals. I hope I get through most of my curry today and tomorrow. I also want my persistent cough to go away. I get sick two or three times a year, so my coughing gets worse for ages. My throat is fucking stupid.

Yesterday I had Stacey over for a visit. Then we went to the shops to get a drink while she was waiting for a train. I said a quick hi to a guide dog trainer too. Then that was pretty much it. I wouldn’t have made slow cooker fish curry if I didn’t have raw fish in the fridge. So now I won’t be packing my freezer for nearly a month. I’m not doing anything for the rest of today, and not much is on for tomorrow. I’m going to the shops first thing in the morning. I just want to get what I need and come home. I really need a break from going out for a week. J is more interested in V’s company and he obviously only cares about her because when she’s around, he doesn’t associate with anyone else, only her. So I’m going to politely disassociate from him without actually saying anything. I’ll effectively vanish from the picture without rhyme or reason. I would know why, but he won’t. And I don’t care. I’ll just say no every time J asks if I want to walk to the shops with him, or go to the RSL, etc. I don’t have to explain myself. The fact is, I’m rejecting his friendship without a fight or nasty argument. He needs to be removed from these units and that’s it.

Once again I had to interrupt my blog because of the stinkin’ phone. The battery drains very fast. Can’t wait till I get a new phone! But anyway, I found out that J was with his carer and that’s why he couldnt come for a drive today. I then decided that I’d share my fish curry with him and two others, pollish off the rest of it which was a fair amount, and put one take-out container of it in the freezer. So my curry is cleaned up, the bottle of milk is nearly out, and I’m extremely full. I ate sausages and vegies before eating fish curry. Yeah, I’m a greedy guts and proud of it! I’m happy and that’s that. I’ll be going back to the butcher next week after I use up some of the food in the freezer. I’m thawing some mince to make risoles which I was panicking about not being able to make them this week. Well now I can! I’m going to make them tomorrow. I’ve decided that I just want a small piece of steak with a couple of rissoles and I’ll eat what’s left over, for breakfast on Saturday morning. I think steak and rissoles on toast will make a good breakfast. Whether I make it to the library in the morning will be a different matter. Let’s see. At least I’ll get what I need from the shops and come home to start cooking, but geeze, I’d like to spend some time at the library. I hardly get time to myself these fucking days.

I really hate winter as well. All it does is cause health problems and I have to keep the heater on or turn it on and off all the time just to keep the cold air out. My throat is really shitting me and so is my snotty nose, which is why I can’t wait for spring. I don’t know why I get exactly the same illness every single winter. It’s like my immunity doesn’t improve. And all the drama about catching the flu is bullshit, I just got a bad cold this year. And now I’ve got a really terrible cough but because I’m totally blind, I can’t find a doctor who understands VI people. So I just have to deal with health issues without medical care. Doctors are just money hungry. I can live without medical people interfering with my life.

I’m doing all right otherwise, so that’s what counts. I’m seriously so happy that Troy is doing fantastic and he’s still so full of energy! I was freaking out and panicking about his welfare for months. Now that I know he’s fine, I have to pull myself together and get rid of this coughing thing. I think a lot of slow cooker soups and curries and fried steaks will help a bloody lot! The waterier the better. Lol ok, I just made up a word just then! But winter really plays up on me and I can’t go without a watery dish and bottles of milk. I couldn’t care less if I shouldn’t drink milk, I couldn’t give a shit. I like it and I’ll drink as much as I like. I’m going to buy a whole heap of those cough lollies from the chemist tomorrow too. I need something to fix my ugly throat. I also need to get rid of all the snot as well. It won’t stop running. Apart from that shit, life is good. It looks like I’ll be counting down the days to when I finally get to keep a dog by my side yet again. The application process will start in the middle of next year. Then it’s a case of waiting till I can go to the training centre for cane training and a guide dog assessment to see if I’m still suitable for guide dog ownership. That will be both exhilirating and scary at the same time. I’m sure I’ll be accepted to go on the waiting list, but I still get anxious that maybe my application will be rejected. I’m hoping I’ll be accepted without any fuss. I’ll get a doctor to quickly tick the paperwork so I can participate in all of these training camps and then I’ll be good to go I reckon. I just need to get this application out of the road because I want this new dog to come home with me within two years. It may be a bit rushed, but I really want to take the dog to Cairns to meet my old guide dog. Plus I’m hoping that Troy will still be alive and well by the time I receive my new dog.

Thursday

August 2, 2018

Well here we go. Another day, and almost the end of another week! Thanks for subscribing to my YouTube channel Tori, I like it when people subscribe lol! I also love the entertainment of audio blogging, this way I can choose if I wish to write or speak and/or do audio recordings of whatever I might be up to at the time. I did a vlog which is basically an audio blog, a few minutes ago if you want to see it. Like I said a few times, I can’t see to take photos and video, so I simply upload an audio file to Youtube instead of an actual video. It is technically a video, but really, without footage it’s just audio. Either way, I do the best I can with my blog and my YouTube channel. Considering that I can’t see to take pictures, I can only rely on writing and audio, and tactile input from the real world. Some bloggers allow friends and other guests to post photos and such, but I don’t know people yet who have the time to do such things for me, and I’m not particularly desperate. I figure that so long as I be as entertaining as possible, I should be right. And sorry for those who must see some type of picture in a video recording, I physically cannot do video recordings very well so it’d be a waste of time for me to try. I simply convert M4A files into video format so they can be viewed or rather listened to, on YouTube. The only way for me to explain it is, remind yourselves that what you experience with my audio blogs, is what I experience all day and all night, every day of the year.

So today I’m going to my now apparently favourite butcher’s shop! This is gonna be fucking great! The taxi is picking me up this afternoon and after that, me and J are going to the shops. J’s bitch girlfriend V still isn’t in my life, I can’t understand how J stays with her. She’s nothing but a demanding, whining moll. At least me and J have some semblance of a friendship, so I still don’t have to deal with bitch-freak V. I know I shouldn’t be so nasty, but V is nasty to everybody, and I don’t like hanging around her with her overly negative attitude and demanding, hard-done-by personality. Ah well, I’ll be having a good afternoon walking around in the shopping centre, so yeah, it’s all good. The other thing I need to sort out is one of my blog sites. I accidentally unfollowed the wrong blog. I clicked on Unfollow, thinking it was a website I didn’t want to follow any more only to realise it was another site. So I finally unfollowed the site I didn’t want, and now I’m trying to find the site that I deleted so I can re-follow it. Damn it! I hope I find this site soon. If anyone can tell me, please do. I didn’t mean to unfollow you.

The other thing I want to discuss is how people view mobility aides for the blind. Warning: very very long. So, I know I’ve talked about my guide dog Troy who is now retired, many times. So today I want to talk about my white cane. I’ll probably mention my dog and guide dogs in general somewhere in my rant, for reference and for relevance to my arguments because of how ignorant some people are. Ok, so let’s have it. First I’d like to stress that my cane isn’t a walking stick, or a support cane! People, a white cane helps with navigating the environment, not with balance and physical mobility. All my cane does is allow me to walk around without banging into things or tripping on stairs and uneven terrain. For example, my cane will go over a step or bump in the ground before I do, giving me time to stop and explore my surroundings before moving on. If I had difficulty with walking or physical movement, my white cane will not improve the situation! I would need a different type of cane, which I’d be able to use for balance and very slowly getting around. It would be a totally different set-up and I would need to hold the frame with both hands, etc. A support cane without a frame would be a lot thicker in structure, and would effectively act as a crutch for blind people. I don’t have difficulty with movement or walking, so I neither need a support cane or AFrame type of walking device either.

Secondly, my cane doesn’t have visual capability. Nor do my hands, by the way. My eyes are fucked, I will never see, with or without glasses, or with any other mobility device. People, my eye, the only natural one, is degenerative. Which in lay terms means, it’s incurable and my eye is slowly dying. Yes it may be upsetting, but bullying me and punishing me isn’t going to make me see. Would you want me to tell you off for not getting out of your wheelchair, or not speaking properly, or for not hearing me? No? Well, nor do I want to be told off for ‘not looking’ at what’s around me. Guys, I’m blind and as sad as it is for you, hurting me physically and emotionally isn’t helpful. All you’re doing is showing me how horrible you are. Obviously most people are nice, but there are some subhuman scum in the world. I can understand people having a hard time coming to grips with how blind people live, but being deliberately malicious to them won’t help anyone.

The other thing that happens when I’m walking with my cane, and similarly when Troy was working, was people stepping in front of me. Once again, it comes back to them not accepting reality for what it was, and simply not giving a hoot and blaming me for bumping into them because they’re too selfish to recognise that disabilities do exist. Such people need to grow up and get back to the real world. Hey, I know that at least most people care about me. And I know I’m not the only one who’s blind. I’m just sick of the bullshit with the minority of people who delight in spoiling life for the rest of us. My guide dog had a hard time working because of how much he got distracted by ignorant shits who cared more about personal gratification than my dog’s and my safety. One day some selfish folks are gonna know what blindness is like and freak out. Oh well. They should maybe have a look at themselves before judging other people who have disabilities because if these same idiots become disabled, they’ll be jumping up and down for sympathy. Some people don’t even recognise a white cane. Especially Asians – sorry guys, just telling the truth. I use my white cane and the smallest percentage of people don’t even see a cane. Well, I don’t recognise the existance of some people either! Hahahahaha only joking! Lol but yeah, I get the cranks with some people. Maybe that’s why my O and M instructor makes me walk to the shops all the time, most people do come around when I go to the same places regularly. Anyone who chooses to continue to be ugly bastards can nick off. Luckily for me, the truly bad apples are one in two hundred. Which basically says a lot about most people, because I’m sure that a crowd would gather around me to stop me from getting hurt. Still, society has a long way to go when it comes to awareness of vision impairment and blindness.

My YouTube channel

August 1, 2018

I’ve been putting audio blogs on my YouTube channel. Click on this link to view them. https://www.youtube.com/user/SuperMichelleDJ

A relaxing evening and good news

July 31, 2018

I’m sitting at the dining table with a cuppa. I love mixing coffee and hot chocolate together! I did a lot of cleaning up of my blog site today. I have a lot more editing to do, but I’m getting through it. I did a bit of exercise this arvo, more exercise tomorrow. In the morning I’m walking to the shops. I won’t eat any food there because I want to eat the food I’ve got at home. There’s no point in having an occupational therapist come around if I can’t keep up with what she’s teaching me and all the shit I have to get used to, as well. Plus it’s a healthier alternative to crappy cafe food. I need to save money and lose weight, something which isn’t very difficult to do with a regular diet if I’m not eating food from take-away shops. Why buy a sandwich when I can make a better one at home? I only buy take-out food now if I’m not going to be home for ages. I also hate wasting money.

I haven’t been called by my O and M instructor. I think she’s busy. I want to walk to the hairdresser on my own but I’m worried that I’ll lose my way so I want the instructor to show me at least one more time before I attempt it without her watching me. I’m so excited to get the hairdresser route worked out because it means I get to learn about my local train station! I want to get myself to the RSL Club, and a good swimming pool. Then my current and hopefully regular, butcher shop! Yea!!!!!!!! If I learn enough travel routes by Christmas, I’ll be able to start the process for getting a guide dog next year. Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!! Woohoo!!!! This is great!!!!!! I’m really so excited now. I’m just so fucking happy! I never thought the day would come when I’d decide to go for another guide dog. Now I can’t get to the Guide Dogs training centre fast enough for all the O and M camps that I’m elligible for. I’m sure Troy is dead, or at least almost dead by now. I haven’t heard anything from his new owner for ever, so I’ll assume right or wrong that maybe she wants nothing to do with me any more. And that’s fine. Everyone moves on with their own lives. But you’d think that knowing that Troy was my guide dog for eight years, that his new owner would be considerate enough to update me at least every three or four months or something like that. And I suppose if she doesn’t want me to know if Troy is still alive or passed away, oh well… I guess that’s just how it is. It’s pretty selfish and attitude to have if you ask me, but that’s just how it goes. So long as she and Troy get along well, as well as the rest of her family, i’m happy for them. Most people are very upset that I don’t hear from Troys owner at all, but like, what the fuck am I supposed to do anyway? If I ring Troys owner, she just asks if I’m okay and says everything is fine. So basically she’s got the dog and that’s it, move on. Who gives a fuck about me and what I’ve been up to and how I may feel about not being updated on Troys whereabouts and what have you. I suppose it doesn’t bloody matter. I’m sure most people would say it does matter, but like I said before, what am I supposed to do about it? Everybody at GDQ wants to know how Troy is, and yes it’s bullshit that I don’t get to know about what he’s up to these days too, but then I don’t want to annoy people by pestering them. Now that I think of it, I’m going to ring Troys owner right now, and I’ll let you know what the outcome is.

My phone was about to die so I had to take a break from writing. It’s nearly nine o’clock. I got through to Troy’s owner. I found out that phone difficulties got in the way of her communicating with people, so it’s a lucky thing I still have her phone number! She said she wants us to keep in touch, which I’m so relieved about! Apparently Troy is on top of the world! Wow! I was so happy to hear about him, and his new little friend! I’m going to Cairns soon to visit people and see Troy. I’ll do recordings of my trip to keep good memories. I never thought I’d ever see Troy again. I also thought Troy would deteriorate by now, which I’m so glad he hasn’t. He’s ageing much better than I’d expected him to, which is good news. I’m not worried about him any more. I just miss him a lot and I’m determined to fly to Cairns ASAP. When I talk to my O and M instructor next, I’m going to ask her to help me arrange a trip. I’ll organise it, but I need to know when an instructor will be going to Cairns so I can book a flight for the same time so she can do a quick lesson in Cairns. I also need to pick a hotel which I’ll go to every time because my future guide dog will be making trips to Cairns with me, like it or not! I’m so sad that Troy will die before I get a new guide dog, so he/she won’t meet Troy. I really hope Troy breaks the rules and lives past fourteen. He may not be very well by the time I take my new guide dog to Cairns, but at least Troy will meet the dog. And so it’s a full circle. I received a guide dog, he retired, and I’ll eventually get a new guide dog and start this game all over again while saying my sad goodbyes to Troy. I actually want a new dog sooner now so I can get used to it before Troy does finally die. Finding out about Troy’s death while I’m waiting for a new dog will kill me so much. I may even get off the waiting list for another year, then take forever to allow Guide Dogs to put me back in the queue. Ah well, we’ll have to see what happens. I don’t want Troy to die ever, but seriously, it’ll be so much easier for me to get used to a new dog while Troy is still alive. Anyway, I’ll just hope for the best. I’m going to make sure everyone on earth knows I’m so happy that Troy is thriving.

Blog

July 31, 2018

I’ve been browsing the Net for ages and now there’s nothing else of interest for me to read, so I decided I’d write a blog. I’m surprised actually, that people aren’t writing in blogs as much any more. It’s like the blogging phase has ended or something. I still have my blog though. I may not have a new dog yet, but I still write in here sometimes. I’d actually like to spend a day at the Guide Dogs kennels just to get a feel for what it’s like to be in a puppy trainer’s shoes. I wouldn’t be training these dogs, just hanging out at the kennels where the young pups are being socialised before leaving the mothers at eight weeks old. I’d get involved with the little pups and I’d walk around with the guide dog instructors while they train the older puppies. I think it’d be fun learning about how puppies are prepared for living with puppy raisers.

I rang Guide Dogs yesterday, to report on a really nice butcher’s shop I found while I was in a cab. I got the taxi driver to take me to it yesterday and on Sunday. It’s really good! They even have online ordering so you can simply pay for what you want and then collect it. This is fucking awesome! And it’s a very long walk to get to it, but not so far away that you’d have to get public transport. I think the idea is, if it only takes fifteen minutes to get to a destination from home by car, then assuming the place is accessible enough with footpaths, traffic lights etc, you can walk to it. Then again, if you’re an avid long-distance walker, the O and M instructors can teach the route in a number of stages so you’re not always having to walk all the way to your favourite destination from home, except for when the instructor has to follow you in their car while you walk the entire route to make sure you’re good and handling yourself well. They just need a lot of notice so they can plan for weeks or possibly months, of O and M lessons until that particulour travel route is mastered properly. Anyway, I’ve got my regular butcher sorted out and an online account, so I can just do ordering whenever I feel like. And their meats are delicious too! So I’ll be buying stuff all the time and the OT will be teacing me how to make things and not kill myself while I struggle to cook lol! Be ready for my next audio blog, I’ll be making risoles! That will be a task for the weekend. I don’t do anything new in a hurry. If they turn out lovely, I’m going to jump up and down! I’ve already got the hang of cooking steaks properly now, so let’s move on to rissoles. Maybe my steaks won’t please every person, but when I eat it, it’s cooked enough for my liking, and the same goes with lamb chops and sausages. I haven’t cooked chicken sausages, so at some point next week I’ll take them out of the freezer and thaw them, then I’ll use my timer so I can cook them without losing track of time, and hope I’ve done them properly. If I bugger them up, I’ll get the OT to look at me cooking them and we’ll work them out. I don’t like using a grill because they’re dangerous enough when you’ve got sight. Sighted people can easily check on their grilled food, but I can’t do that, I’d have to take the tray out, tap the food with a fork or lightly touch the food with one finger, then put the tray back in the oven. I guess baking food may be similar to grilling, except that baking takes longer and you simply have to turn food over once before blasting it again for a while before taking it out to cool. Plus you can just close the oven door and open it to check on baking food if necessary. With the grill, the oven door has to remain open. I don’t feel safe with an oven grill, and I don’t want to by a stand-alone grill. I’d rather buy grilled food when I’m out, and at home I’ll bake things in the oven or nuke things in the microwave. So much simpler and less dangerous! At least the OT is teaching me how to enjoy cooking, and I must say I like cooking again.

I was about to title and post this entry until I read a few lines. I keep writing in my blog because I just like writing. When I’ve checked blogs in the past, people were raising guide dogs, or training with a new guide dog. So lately I searched Google for blogs but haven’t found any new blogs with white cane training or guide/seeing eye dogs. I was just curious really, as to whether people were blogging a lot lately. But apparently not. I’m still blogging regularly, and I do check on other bloggers who I’ve subscribed to, on occasion. So yeah, it occured to me to wonder about other blogs. I do hope that people start blogging regularly again soon, as I love reading about other people and their opinions and all that. I especially love to read blogs that have animal training and how people manage life while training them. Then there’s the people who live with their service animals and care for them while these animals help their handlers. I just like reading blogs in general.

Big rant

July 28, 2018

I know I’ve been doing a lot of audio blogs lately, but right now I desperately need to write. I haven’t finished editing my blog properly, but I’ll get to it eventually. Anyway, I’ve been reading stuff on the Guide Dogs Queensland website, and it got me thinking. Thinking about how ignorant people still are, about blindness. I’m sure more people are beginning to understand vision impairment and vision loss a lot more, but there is still a percentage of people who ruin it for the rest of us. I know it’s difficult for sighted people to understand what blindness is truly like. But it leaves them no excuses WHAT SO EVER!!!!!!!!! to assume that a vision impaired person can see well, or that a totally blind person can see a little bit, all because they choose not to accept reality for what it is. I feel like I could punch someone right now. I think I may need psychiatric care if I get any more shit from people. Some people for heaven’s sake, have the idea, that if I touch things, I can see those things???!!!!! Are you for real? Then said person will say that I can ‘see it, ah, no, I mean… You can feel it, touch it6’?????? Um, Excuse me, but the last time I checked, we don’t have vision in our fingers. And, blind people have little to no vision. So I don’t know how a totally blind person can miraculously see when the feel an object with their hands. How can anyone be such nasty bullies? And how can any person live, who considers it ok to deceive blind people and mock them for not having vision? I don’t care about cultural differences, we live in the 21st century and there is no fucking excuse for this bullshit. There is just no place for mistreating me, or any other vision impaired people in this day and age. This is why I get so angry when my O and M instructor tells me to ask for assistance from people if I’m in any difficulty. So she told me to just tell them that I’ve got a white cane because I can’t see where I’m going to get around without one. Funnily enough, this works! If I get bullied, I need to start drawing attention to myself no matter where I am, so somebody will notice, and if anyone is bullying/hurting me, whoever notices will report the twat. I won’t stand for immature dickheads in this shitty world.

I’m very happy to be back with Guide Dogs. Life is a lot easier for me now and I can do most things independently in familiar environments. I’m sure if I’d stayed with Guide Dogs all along, I’d be on the waiting list for a new guide dog now. Oh well, shit happens. At least I’m halfway there. By the middle of next year I’ll be going through guide dog assessments and some different training programs at the training centre. I seriously can’t wait! I love the training camps! I bet I’ll have to get a doctor’s check. Yeah, I will. I’ll just tell them to tick all the boxes and I’ll leave as quick as I can. The doctors are just a waste of time and money and aren’t of any use to anybody. I have no respect for doctors and see no reason to report anything to them. If I cared so much about medical advice, I’d ask for it. So long as I can go to the training camps, that’s all that matters. I don’t care how nice the doctor is, I won’t be accountable to them. They can think of me whatever they like and I don’t give a damn. If the doctor cares so much about their patients home, they won’t send a sick patient home without medical care. I hate doctors and I won’t leave without them not being aware of the fact. Go right ahead and report me because of how I feel about medical people. Doesn’t bother me. I’ll just tell the medical people to mind their own fricken business and piss off.

Latest updates

July 27, 2018

https://youtu.be/Xggfd8TPFaA
https://youtu.be/7-3741RiHPc
https://youtu.be/RqfVb5Hrp0M

25 July, 2018 13:05

July 25, 2018

https://youtu.be/YSO5H0Uqgy8

25 July, 2018 13:04

July 25, 2018

https://youtu.be/kM92Q-M-vKw

25 July, 2018 13:02

July 25, 2018

https://youtu.be/FPK5F1_824s

25 July, 2018 13:02

July 25, 2018

https://youtu.be/Q1do6kjVpKA

25 July, 2018 13:00

July 25, 2018

https://youtu.be/KRkWa8tEGPY

Another test

July 21, 2018

https://youtu.be/7JI0hdMiG4o

Testing YouTube upload

July 21, 2018

https://youtu.be/SYbRJKkRGc4

Saturday

July 21, 2018

So it’s the weekend again. Stacey is here and it’s good to hang out with her! I’ve got a bit of a cold at the moment, but it’s not something I’m not used to, it happens every year. I’m happy with how my life is so I don’t have any complaints. The only complaint I have today is I can’t go out where ever I want because the trains aren’t working because of network problems being fixed. Show me and Stacey have been racking our brains all morning but I guess we have to party here at home which doesn’t really bother me! Either way, it would be nice if we could have gone out. Oh well… there’s a lot worse things in the world to be worrying about. At least we’re having a good time and I’m happy. I’m actually glad to be sitting around in any case, I need a bit of a break from my week’s errands anyway. Apart from that, there isn’t much going on in my life until Monday. Then it’s all hands on deck again! A private cleaner on Monday, occupational therapist on Tuesday, and on Wednesday, the airport tour with GDQ!!!! Woohoo!!!!!!! Then on Thursday I have O and M. This is exciting for me because it means I have another travel route under my belt yes!!!!!! I want to get two more travel routes down pat this year so that I can get onto the waiting list for a new guy dog next year! I’m sure with the way my health has improved dramatically,this will be a reality. I still get crook from time to time, but not in a really bad way where my health gets out of whack and all that. So technically speaking, I’m ready for getting onto the waiting list, it just has to become official with Guide Dogs. I persisted with my demands to get my health on track first before even considering preparing to receive a new guide dog. And it has paid off because my orientation lessons are going really well now.

I think it’ll be exciting getting a new dog. I can get around with my cane, but it’s just not the same. Unlike last time when I brought Troy home from training with him, I shouldn’t have too much conflict with my new dog this time because I’m not living with family members any more so I personally feel I’ll do a lot better because my family were too busy interfering with how I handled Troy and telling me what to do and everything. I know deep down they were thinking of just helping me out and all that, but really it came across as interference and conflict even if they didn’t mean it that way. And rather than just accepting what I had to say, family members would resist me even more and actively interfere with my dog’s training and sometimes shout at me to force me to agree with them because what I did was apparently wrong whether it was true or not. I had to agree with my family, but they never had to agree with me. Which is precisely why I’ve decided to disown my whole family. They were all, and still are, about what they want for me and their expectations of me. They never supported me for what I wanted in my life. They only supported me if it had to do with what they agreed with and if it suited them and their own interests. So fuck them, they are out of my life. I hope this time around, me and my new guide dog will get along better from day one. I’m a bit concerned about the public crowding me and my dog out, but I’m sure the GDMIs will deal with that somehow. Other than that all should be well! Next time I go up to Cairns, it will be about me and what I want to do and nothing to do with my family. I had nothing to do with me when I was there, so I’m having nothing to do with them next time and they can suck it up! I’ve moved on with my life and I’m loving it. So I don’t plan to allow anyone to ruin it for me any time soon. So yeah, getting onto the Guide Dogs waiting list will be awesome.

Relaxation after a big day

July 16, 2018

I’m lying down relaxing after a big bowl of fish curry and rice. I had a really tough workout at the gym this afternoon. I wish I had milk in the fridge, I’d be drinking hot chocolate right now. Ah well, shit happens. So I had a nice shower and now I’m on the couch while I write my blog. Nope, after all these years, I haven’t deleted it yet! So I won’t be giving up on it for a long time. I’m doing banking tomorrow morning. I may have to walk to and from Coles just to bring milk home, before going back to buy morning tea. But the weather will be freezing and I don’t want to burn out before the day starts. So yeah, I don’t know really. I want coffee as soon as I wake up in the morning, so I may just cheat and walk to Coles and just have a coffee there, then simply buy milk later. I’m too tired to go out tonight. I just have to keep a tight budget for like eight weeks until I’ve paid all the bills. To think that as a kid, it would be fun to be a grownup! Yeah right. It’s bullshit when you have to prioritise groceries and bills over entertainment.

I have nothing planned for the rest of the week. So if I can afford it – highly unlikely but I’ll try anyway, I want to go to the RSL Club on Saturday. I love the buffet menu! Their food is delightful. Other than that I’m staying at home, reading and listening to music and eating snack food. I’ll be reading myself to sleep in a few minutes. So while I’m winding down, I’ll have a bit of a rant. No names, just venting. So I talk to friends about lots of subjects, and moving out is one of my pet peevs! Not that I hate such discussions altogether, I just hate how some people whinge about not wanting to pack up and move away from the family, all while saying their relatives should do the same. Well, to be frank it’s up to the individual whether he or she wants to move out or not. And maybe said person should look at their own life and examine themselves before examining other people. The way other people choose to live isn’t always about said person. Sometimes people need to take a step back a little and accept that they aren’t always going to be the centre of attention either. Jealousy isn’t always a good thing, and I don’t have to agree with everything either. I feel like I have to go along with some people and I’m afraid that’s just not me! Don’t get offended at me just because I don’t agree with me because you don’t own my life, is what my point is. Anyway, my phone is about to die so I’ll write more tomorrow.

16 July, 2018 10:17

July 16, 2018

I’ve got time to write today. Not that I did much over the weekend besides laze around and read. Well today I’m not reading, I’m actually sitting downstairs waiting for the Centacare bus. For the last time, I must add. The respite program has served it’s purpose for me, now I’m going to move on. I’ve got my NDIS plan sorted, so I have a well-tailored program ready for me. I really like socialising but I hate all of the sitting around. And we do the same activities every week. I also need to get a lot more hours with mobility lessons because at the moment I get one lesson or less per week! And since I get lessons fortnightly rather than weekly, that makes the situation even worse!!!!! So I’m glad I’m getting all of that sorted.

This afternoon I’m debating on whether or not I should stop off at the shops or just come straight home and then walk to the shops. I guess either way it doesn’t matter. It’s winter time now, so it’s not as though a little bit of exercise is going to hurt me. I just have to work out whether I’ll be back on time for sports or not. Sports starts at 4 o’clock. I’m in a dilema actually, because I also have to go to the shops tomorrow morning to get morning tea for me and a friend. But I need to get milk today as well. What do I do? Hmmm….. anyway… I’ll make my decision later I think. I’ll be having coffee at the centre so it’s not as if I need milk until this afternoon. For now I’ll just relax and have a good time today. I have BPay set up so I can pay my bills whenever I feel like it. If only I knew about this last year! Oh well… I guess ya can’t know everything straight away. I wonder what I’ll do now that I won’t be going to Centacare twice a week any more? I’m hoping with in a couple of months, my days will be filled with mobility lessons and other excursions. As for now, I think my life is going to be rather boring. At least I’ll have more time to read my Braille books and also get them to the post office. As soon as I finish reading all my books from Vision Australia, I’m going to start reading my iBooks again. I’ve got literally hundreds of books to get through! As soon as I’ve paid off this fucking bill, I’m going to save up to buy a Braille display! Since I will have my NDIS funding by then, my bank account will basically be turning to dust and accumulating a lot of riches yeeeehaaa! Sure right! My money is going to be eaten up before I even get started. I need to get a new iPhone, a new iPad, and that is only the start of my technology spending. Eventually need a new laptop, a home Internet service, and a new Braille display, let alone everything else I need to get after that. Such as a new fridge, etc etc etc. never mind bloody medical treatment! That will be an expense of its own! I also have to keep putting money aside for when I get a new guide dog, I think that is the most important thing at the moment to be quite honest. You can replace a broken computer at any time, you can’t replace broken dog can you? Animals are similar to us, they need to be kept comfortable, well fed and given good medical care. And once they’re dead, they won’t be coming back. So yeah, I want all of these other things but animals and people come first. Life over technology I say! I know I’m on the right track forgetting what I want so that’s what counts.

I can’t wait until tomorrow! I’m going to visit my friend who has just moved into a new place. I seriously am so excited! I’m going to buy morning tea and a simple lunch. She really deserves it since she’s a good person for one, and she has gone through a few difficult circumstances the past six or seven months. So whether she realises this or not, she does deserve a helping hand and a good feed. I know she has to go through life like the rest of us, but my point is, she’s gone through a lot of shit and it be nice to do something for her. She won’t be going anywhere tomorrow because she’s waiting for a phone technician to come out, so I don’t have any issue with giving her food and drink. She works hard so she deserves everything good that comes our way. She doesn’t have a job, but she does everything she can to live a good life. Those people deserve all the sympathy in the world! With all that said, it looks like I’m living on a more even keel now too. I reckon I’ve gotten back to normal the way I would feel as a normal person. Oh yes, a doctor of all people has to fucking verify this! But oh well, I know how I feel and that’s the main thing. On Wednesday I’ve got O and M, hopefully I’ll be okay with getting myself to the hairdresser after the lesson is over. It’s nice being able to walk around rather than always catching cabs. It will be good to get used to the public transport system again, the less I have to pay taxi drivers, the better it is for my wallet. I also succeeded in getting rid of my pesky neighbour out of my life. So now I’m free to do anything I feel like at any time I want. And I can finally hang around my friends without being harassed by the stupid bastard. He’s a fucking pretender and doesn’t help anybody despite his intentions and constant carrying on flattering people. He’s a bloody twat. I can’t wait till he’s taken away from these units, he doesn’t even bloody belong here. His stepdad is taking it all hard, but he’s in on it too. The stepdad should know that it’s hard to let one’s wife/neighbour’s mother down when she is no longer alive. Yes this whole fiasco is upsetting, but everybody needs to move on and accept that this dickhead neighbour doesn’t belong here. The situation is over the top really. It’s okay to grieve for a dead relative, but the way this bloke is acting is seriously shit. The bloke needs to spare his unit for someone else who actually needs to live here. I’ve made a lot of complaints about this guy now, so hopefully something is going to be sorted out because I’m not going to tolerate any shit from people here. I’m not living in one of these units to pick up after other people‘s crap. They can either get along with me or fuck off. And if they don’t actually belong here, they can definitely piss off.

A free afternoon

July 13, 2018

I’m at the library at the shopping centre. A lot has happened over the past few weeks. I made a complaint last week about one of my neighbours because he has been pestering me over the past three weeks. Last Friday I got really pissed off and that was that, I wrote a letter to the complex manager. Then yesterday, well it was one of those mornings I never want repeated. I got very angry and abused the neighbour. I know he has mental problems and a bad intellectual disability, but I seriously had to put it all aside and I revved the bloke. Finally! I revved him. I really got into him about everything and made it clear to him that he will be getting relocated to a care facility because the units aren’t a suitable environment for him. All this anger and shouting has led to an investigation. I’m in a little bit of trouble, but not in a serious way. I don’t agree with screaming at other people. Well not usually. Yesterday I lost it, and yes the bloke deserved everything he got. But now one of the Board of Directors members is going to make sure I don’t get worse with my arguing with the neighbour, until we have a meeting with this board member. The fact is, I’ve had it with being nagged, demanded at, etc. And I’m sick of suffering because this bloke ‘just doesn’t cmean what he does’ to hurt me. Maybe he doesn’t mean any of it deliberately. But I’m still pissed off about it and I can only tolerate so much. I’m trying to get better with my health, but this bullshit might be wrecking it. The chemist people are doing their best to make me comfortable so I’m even more angry that this neighbour doesn’t bloody care. Not that he would even realise. But still, the damage is done, and I need to stop being his friend for a while.

A few weeks ago I bought a few things from the chemist. I successfully got rid of nose congestion after two weeks with baby balm in a tissue inside a pillowcase. Also, I’ve been taking multi-vitamin gummies a few times a week, and another magnesium tablet that dissolves in water, but not very often. And I have a mineral sports drink twice a week before gym workouts, and Milo, whenever I want a refreshing drink, hot or cold. And water of course! But yeah, all these health things have helped me keep bugs and general ill-health away, so I don’t want to get crook from dealing with any bullshit at home. So I really stuck up for myself yesterday. I want to avoid dramas, and now I’m pretty certain the complex manager will realise soon enough, that I really mean business now, even though he already knows this from discussions I’ve had with him in the past. Anyway, I’m trying to keep away from the shit, and now it finally looks like I can do so. I’m happy the pesky bastard isn’t at my tail all the time now. I can finally do what I want to do without being fucken tailgated and nagged at for attention and company. Which means I can actually do more things for myself without feeling like I’ve got a fly buzzing around me, or feeling that I can’t do what I want because I’m always going along with someone else’s ideas all the time. The list goes on. So now I’m relaxing, typing away, enjoying my own space for once.

Last night I took Stacey out to have fish and chips. It was a welcome time away from the house. This fish and chips place is lovely! The food is always fresh. This afternoon Stacey went home so I’m amusing myself for the afternoon. I’m so glad I can get myself to the library whenever I feel like it. I can’t concentrate very well when I’m at home because I get too distracted by something related to home living. When I’m in a library, I can just write or surf the Net without worrying about anything else until I get home. Next week I’m going out and I can’t wait! And the week after that is a Guide Dogs airport tour! Wow everything is happening. Eventually the NDIS will be taking over and I’ll get a lot more help and support so I’ll be going out all the time. I hope this dickhead bloke is removed from his unit soon. Everyone will be peaceful then. Anyone who isn’t peaceful can move out, it’s not compulsory to live in these units. And I’m pretty heartless too, I can just force life to happen how I want it to, so yeah, if my life is made difficult, I’ll be difficult right back. I usually want a happy life, but when the trouble comes to me, I want a fight to get rid of the trouble. I’m not going down quietly. I’m also not accountable to anyone either. I know I appear to be untouchable, but there’s no law saying I have to do what anyone says. It’s not against the law to refuse medical care or treat myself however I wish. Oh well… My life is going well at the moment. Io I have a lot of good things to look forward to. And when I eventually get a good doctor, I’ll let him know what I stand for and I will tell them to piss off if they think they can control me. Hopefully it won’t get to that point. That’s when people find out what I’m truly like..

4 June, 2018 08:40

June 4, 2018

I couldn’t get a barbecue set up on Saturday. The uselessness of the neighbours here is shocking. We’re a good community, my foot!!!! Everyone just keeps to themselves which isn’t a big problem, except that people bung on the I-help-everyone bullshit and I’ve had it up to the ear. So now I have a full freezer and don’t know what to do with all the meat. I know I won’t go hungry, but what the fuck am I gonna do when the support worker turns up tomorrow and we struggle to concoct a good feed that won’t even fit in the freezer? Plus I have to tell Centrecare that I’ll be getting meals from another company from time to time – they’re home-cooked, frozen meals. I don’t know what sort of kitchen set-up it is, but I’ll assume it’s a factory of sorts based in Brisbane or Gold Coast, I think??? Anyway, you have to fill out a dietary requirements form and you get a certain number of frozen meal trays every so often at your choosing, and elderly people and people with disabilities can be elligible for them. I’m going to check it out.

I’ll be changing doctors somewhere in the near future. And a new dentist too. My friends are helping me sort them out because they’re jumping up and down at how well they’re cared for and treated. The dentist and hopefully the better doctor, might rave on stupid, if they’re smart enough to figure out that my health will fall to bits if something isn’t done about me. If they’re nice people I’ll probably get spoilt and then given bad reports in the sweetest polite manner and cups of water and coffee and whatever else, just to make me feel pampered so I don’t freak out a lot. That’ll be fine with me!. Medical care that just feels like a yarn and a drink is lovely. And if they’re respectful, medication reactions will be taken seriously and different medicines will be tested until something works well, along with a lot of spoilage lol. Now that’s more like it! My mates are all on to me, coaxing me to eat and drink properly, joking and laughing and having a great time etc. At least I’m holding my own at this stage. I can’t throw my medical papers and X-rays in the bin though otherwise a lot of tests will be repeated. So we’ll see what happens and I’ll let you guys know how I go. I think it’s crap that I need antacid drugs just to take painkillers, but at least I can take lots of painkiller medicines now, except for the morphine-related ones. Suffering from pain isn’t bravery, it’s because morphine, codeine, and those types, makes me sicker than the problems they’re meant to fix. Metaclopromide (maxalon) makes me tired and sick too, my stomach gets all squeamish and I feel restless. I’d rather get crook than take medicine that will make me crook. But nope, if the new docs hear this, out will come the fucken benzos and shit tests, till another type of medication agrees with bloody me. At least I’ve found something that makes non-steroidal medication work for me. So I’m getting somewhere.

30 May, 2018 19:34

May 30, 2018

I had a good day. Back to eating normally again. I’ve been going to the shops nearly every day and on the weekend I’m hoping to put a barbecue on if I can get a person to cook for me. Still haven’t got any more medical checks and no follow-up on my mouth or my teeth. No more medical treatments for me, I’m back at Square 1 without any doctors. I’ll only go to them to fill out paperwork but will refuse any medical testing/procedures/treatments, unless I get extremely crook and am forced by the hospital to get medical care from a GP. Won’t be long-lasting though, I go off the radar eventually. I’m very very bad but this is how much I hate doctors more than you’ll ever know. Other than that, nothing much to write about at the moment.

25 May, 2018 12:56

May 25, 2018

I was able to eat toast and eggs and drink hot chocolate today. Just sitting around and talking to neighbours sometimes. One of my friends who I just finished talking to over the phone, insisted that I find another doctor at another medical centre. I said I’m too frightened of the entire medical community now so the only way to get help now is by sheer force. I can’t stand doctors, don’t care for them to save my life. I’d die rather than get medical attention. Now she’s freaking out because she doesn’t want to hear of me going back to the hospital or worse. She’s mad that the doctors who I won’t go to any more, don’t do medical testing on people who’re sick, either they’re sent home to get taken away by ambulance later, or the ambulance takes them straight from the doctor’s surgery. The doctors don’t care for patient safety. Now I want to let nature take its course. I don’t agree with the medical profession, there’s no care or concern from them at all unless your put on IV fl
uids and a list of medicines that make you forget everything so you can’t even find out your medicine history later. What a horrible medical system, Australia is getting so much like the US. I’d rather go hungry than speak to a medical person. So I’m just gonna live how I please and let my health go by the wayside.

24 May, 2018 15:30

May 24, 2018

Absolute crap today. I fired all my doctors as of yesterday. Medical care is so low standard that I’m better off without it. I’m languishing now. I’m not answering phone calls either. I don’t want to hear any more of doctors and nurses. I’ll be unconscious for my next appointment so I’ll have no idea about it! Also, the codeine low-dose trial didn’t end up working out as I’d hoped. Anti-inflamatories with Zantac works quite well, but this means I’m still restricted for pain relief in future, unless another type of stronger painkiller proves successful. I can’t have any morphine-based medicine. The doctors can do more medication trials while I’m comatose. I won’t go near a doctor while I’m awake. I won’t even answer the phone to speak to medical people. The way me and a doctor (not my regular one) argues yesterday is my last straw.

21 May, 2018 18:23

May 21, 2018

A bit better this arvo. By 4:30 I was eating soup and taking Panadol. A whole heap of junk food/snacks that I can chew easily, will be coming home tomorrow with some stronger medicines, so my stomach won’t play up too much. I don’t have a lot of energy but I am doing ok. Hopefully I’ll sleep tonight and tomorrow I’ll have a three-hour discussion with the doctor. At least I can eat again, have been drinking water over the day. I’ll get some more water soon, but I’m out of the woods now. My mouth and face is still bloody sore but that will be sorted tomorrow.

21 May, 2018 09:38

May 21, 2018

Well guys. Last week I had my four wisdom teeth pulled. I was doing reasonably well until today. I’m still in heaps of pain and have only taken Panadol because it’s the only pain reliever that I can tolerate well. But it’s no longer helping me and my health is now declining. I see my doctor tomorrow and there’s a big chance I’ll be locked away. If she finds out that I’m going crook and that my mouth is going bad, someone is getting into a lot of trouble. It’s nobody’s fault that painkillers don’t agree with me, but the medical people involved in my dental treatment are not concerned about my welfare at all and I wouldn’t be surprised if anyone got fired for leaving me high and dry. If they knew they couldn’t manage my pain, they shouldn’t have done this procedure. They’ve basically told me in polite terms that they aren’t responsible for my medical care and that complications from surgery aren’t part of their care. So basically whatever happens, I won’t receive more medical c
are because nobody wants to keep me in hospital until I can eat properly without pain. So fuck the medical proffession. I’m nearly dead and not bothered about this myself. I wished I’d not gone through surgery. I was better off sick and dying of rotten teeth. I’m refusing medical care from now on guys. I hate doctors and I can’t wait to crash and burn for good this time.

Doing well

May 5, 2018

I figure I’d write a blog while I’m sitting around today. I haven’t written for a while either. I went to the doctors yesterday. I got a metal implant put in my arm and I’m still doing fine. I didn’t go horrible and crook like I expected. I went straight to Jamaica Blue to have a cofffee, and made a chicken sandwich when I got home. I talked to my friend for a while, talked to someone on Whatsapp and read for a bit. I had a little sleep too and then I was right. I slept well last night and woke up feeling good. My throat is getting to me so I had to get cough soothers. The ones I like aren’t sold at the supermarkets any more which really sucks! Fancy needing to discuss buying a stinking soother with a pharmacist! I know they can kill your guts but I don’t eat enough of them to bloody poison me. I just want my annoying cough to settle a bit. There’s no medical treatment for it so I’m not going to just frigging suffer. The doctor doesn’t want me to drop dead either.

I’m going to the RSL Club tonight. I’m going to have a massive feed too, I love the buffet meals. Oh, I’ve also decided to refuse a flu shot too. I’m here for a fun time, not for a long time. I don’t care if I’m hospitalised either. You know, the way I see it is, you’re gonna die of something and you can only do so much to avoid getting sick. You can totally prevent certain illnesses, but you can’t hide from everything. You could get really crook anywhere, anytime, and the same goes with bloody dying. So I’m not going to waste my friggen time getting a flu needle when it’s not always the flu that will kill you. You also get your health sorted out in the hospital, so I couldn’t give a shit to be honest. I’ll just take whatever medical treatment to save my life, as for everything else I don’t need help or pain relief bullshit rubbish. The body doesn’t recover any easier with pain medicine than without it. I told my doctor I’d rather stay asleep as long as possible when I’m suffering too long, there’s no benefit to me whatsoever to keep me awake. My throat is giving me shits so I’ve taken another soother. There’s no medical cure or anything, so I’m all about being comfortable till this cold goes away. I won’t cancel my hospital appointment either, I get sick when I’m healthy so what difference will it make when I’ve got a cold? I already do have anesthetic complications so I won’t be better off healthy or sick before surgery. That’s probably why the GP doesn’t care when I’ve got a cold, she knows I can’t avoid problems no matter how healthy I am, so who gives a crap, just treat the reactions and goodbye till next time. The doctor wants me to stay in the hospital until I don’t need painkillers because all the crap I want them to give to me that won’t give me a very crook stomach will be too strong for me to have at home. Go figure! Thank God my throat is settling down now. I’ll have to wait a good four hours before I have another lollie, but at least they work enough and my stomach doesn’t go really horrible, just a mild kind of a funny feeling. I’ve also decided to refuse tablets whenever possible while I’m in the hospital. I don’t need tablets, I need sleep and then I can just come home and relax for a week. I won’t be rinsing my mouth with salt water, it doesn’t fix anything. You need medicine to kill germs. I don’t want to ‘recover as quickly as possible’. That’s just glorified rushing, axd I don’t rush myself for anyone, unless of course I don’t feel horrible for very long and I just happen to be ok to start ith. A quick recovery is certainly possible in that context! But if I’m crook, just let me take my time to get better. Other than that, I’m fine.

Going out

April 29, 2018

I’m going to a fish and chips shop soon. So I thought I’d write while I have some spare time. I’m gonna secretly eavesdrop on a horrible neighbour who is spreading rumours about people who live here. We’re secretly following her in a taxi. Me and my friend are getting snacks and drinks and when this bitchface shows up, me and my friend will quietly listen and then laugh about it on the way home! It’ll be a fun night. I’m just having a drink with chips and gravy, and my friend will choose whatever she wants. I’m gonna have a bloody ball on Thursday too! I’ll meet another friend somewhere and we’re going to the Guide Dogs tour together. We’re all having dinner for two hours and then the tour will start at 7:30 pm. It’s gonna be fucking awesome aye! I seriously can’t wait! I really like these Guide Dogs travel excursions. You get to have a great time but you also get some white cane revision and all that as well! Yeeeehaaaa! I lov meeting New people too. Anyway I have to ring the taxi now, so will be back to rite soon.

I never got to hear V, the bitchface neighbour. She kept her voice down quite obviously not wanting me to hear her rubbish stories. So the friend and I had a bit of food and a drink and came home. The cabbie suspected what I already know, Miss Bitchface can see something. I said I have no idea what she was up to and that I don’t see, so Mr. Lovely Taxi Driver said he knows, in the tone that spelled out understanding and the obvious fact about my blindness. Maybe V can’t see. But she certainly doesn’t flaming act like it! I was trying to say something nasty about V in a nice time, but the cab driver quickly stopped me and joked about her being able to see a little while I mused about her deserving her lonely life. The guy said he could tell that I like saying nasty things so I jumped in with a remark about me being polite most of the time. So we just turned it into a joke and moved on. But then I said that I know someone who isn’t very kind around here, after the bloke said something about me being kind, or close enough to such a statement. I was too busy thinking about how good my night was to pay attention properly. Anyway, I couldn’t say anything too cruel about V, so we just kept the conversation lighthearted and I paid the fare and we got out. Someone helped my friend and me, to find our way to the units and we were off. We said goodnight and went our separate ways and now I’m lying down writing this blog. I’ll resume reading soon and will eventually go to sleep. Bitchface goes away tomorrow so no bullying and taunting for a couple of weeks now. At least I know what blind people are like. I know who’s blind and who isn’t. I also know that I won’t be told what to do by anybody. If V thinks she can control my life, then she can think again. At least I got to speak with the people I get along with. If V doesn’t like that, tough luck. Nobody is going to stop me from having a good time.

Anzac Day

April 25, 2018

I got up early today. I went in the taxi to the RSL Club and had a massive breakfast. It was beautiful! I’m still here and will get a milk shake soon. After that I’ll go home and won’t have to worry about eating lunch. I rarely go to restaurants, so when I find out about a cheap deal I go for it. Fifteen bucks isn’t bad really. I’m doing good with one-finger typing too. I’m making a lot less mistakes and I can shorten longer words and use the text prediction to finish the words, or simply type away and let auto-correct do the work. It’s Zlyden much easier than the stupid Braille keyboard. I hate speech dictation, it makes too many mistakes and I detest repeating myself over and over againh. It drives me mad and I find using the QWERTY keyboard eliminates a lot of hassles. Anyway, I have to wrap up now, I have to get myself a drink and get home. I’ll write again later.

19 April, 2018 08:53

April 19, 2018

I’m feeling heaps better today. Mouth is sore, oh well! I’m not crook in general though. I had three wheatbix, not too full, but not hungry either. I’m currently drinking a coffee. My bloody throat is at me but I’m sure when my mouth gets better, my throat will come good. Usually people would get their teeth removed and go home the same day. But not me, my mouth is horrible. Not that I’m concerned, we’ve all gotta die of something. If it’s not ageing that kills you, it’s something else. So hurray when my time comes, one day.

For now while I’m surviving well, I’ll keep up with the reading materials. I love my books! Oh, my heart isn’t racing out of my chest today! Is that a good sign? I think I’m getting older and wiser, I know I’ll get sick from medical treatment, but will get even sicker without it. And I like to sleep well every night because I don’t want to feel like shit during the day. I feel terrible for the people who don’t have a choice and can’t sleep. How sad! I’m still happy to live in Brisbane. Despite some crap with my life, I don’t want to leave. Oh and I can’t wait for my Guide Dogs tour night on the 3rd of May. I hope my mouth isn’t too sore by then. If it is, I’ll have to get my GP to get me in earlier for this stupid procedure, which will upset both her and me. What I will do is tell her that I’m not fixing pain, the only pain relief is heart failure otherwise too bad. The only effective pain reliever for me is cardiac arrest. Pain pills cause sickness and other problems, cardiac arrest won’t hurt at all. And it’s permanent so I will be pain-free for a very long time. I’m going to ask my GP about this option of pain relief because my body doesn’t process pain medicine properly and my immune system doesn’t recognise it as medicine. So a stopped heart is another pain relief option. We’ll see what happens when I see the doctor in a few weeks.

Braille Screen Input isn’t working properly, so I’ve resorted to typing on the Qwerty keyboard with one finger. It’s time for me to buy myself a new phone. I hate Braille Screen Input actually. Hang on, I’m gonna quickly turn on the keyboard text prediction settings. There we go. I hope this keyboard works better for me. Ok. I think I’ve got it all sorted now. I shall continue to write in my blog. I also need to be able to communicate when I get into hospital. If I can’t speak temporarily, I need to be as quick as I can with this phone. Oops, I keep forgetting to press the spacebar twice to insert a full-stop. I prefer one-finger typing over Braille Screen Input. I can’t wait to get myself an iPad too, and a Braille display. It will come everywhere with me. For now, I’m stuck with the stupid phone. I’m gonna try cooking barley in the slow cooker. I’ve never done that before and I hope it’s a success. I’ll have it with chicken and salad. Yum! If I like the barley, I may consider eating the lot of it. Before I go into hospital, I’m gonna have a great big feed. I’m gonna eat Hungry Jacks and anything else I can fit in. And since I’m addicted to my phone, I’m gonna try to post a blog. Should be interesting. Anyway, that’s it from me for now. I’ll write again later.

Sadness

April 18, 2018

The oral surgeon looked at my mouth today. He said the back teeth have to go. I got really miserable after that. I bought some new clothes today, I was happy for a little while. On the 16th May I’m getting my wisdom teeth pulled. After that, I think I’ll shut down… I won’t be given painkillers because of complications from them. So downhill it is I’m afraid. I’m so angry about the whole thing. I’d rather starve than deal with mouth problems. At least I’ve got my books and my phone to keep me happy, and most support workers are lovely…

Home sweet home

April 16, 2018

I got home nearly an hour ago. I’m glad I turned the air-conditioner on this morning, it was boiling outside when I got home! I had a pretty good day, socialising and playing games. What’s getting me very offended though, is how much I have to explain blindness to the staff. I mean, I’ve been going to this centre every week now since December. Yet some people are asking me if I can’t see anything at all. I can understand that people don’t understand what it’s like to be unable to see. But I find it both insulting and offensive that this one particular worker is persisting in her attitude that I amount to nothing, and even thouth she doesn’t show openly, I feel I may as well be dead. It’s one think for people to not understand blindness. It’s another thing to deliberately, for whatever reason, undermine me and bully me in subtle ways. The only way I’ve been able to get around this – and believe me it’s working, is to be very loud whenever we discuss my situation. For example,
the staff worker may say something like, ‘(insert event) is too dangerous for you6′ or (insert whatever situation) you need vision to do that6’ I will loudly exclaim, ‘Oh ok then!!!!! Well, I do like to give everything a try and if I can’t manage, then fine!!!!!6’ I don’t say it nasty or anything, I just use an exciteable tone so everyone can hear, and the management person must come to where me and the staff person is, to discuss my situation properly. So we’re basically putting pressure on this lady in a sweet manner, in a way that makes her back off, without being horrible about it. I’ve also been pressuring the management people into supporting me a lot more, by appealing to their consciences. It works. I’m not openly rude. I just tell the care workers that since I’m doing well because of medical treatment, it doesn’t make sense for me to be resting all the time. And it wouldn’t be fare to sit around with very little physical activity when I feel fine and would love to g
o out and explore the world a bit more! And since I like walking and swimming and there’s nothing stopping me from doing these things, why do I have to miss out? Hmmmmm, I’ve got a lot of people thinking, and I’m getting a lot more support where it’s needed now. Appeal to the conscience and basic human needs when asking for help guys! You’ll go many places if you adopt this style of lobbying for your rights and welfare. People honestly don’t know until you show them. We really haven’t changed since the Middle Ages. We just have modernisation to contend with as well as our old-fashioned beliefs and ideas.

Cooler weather and feeling awesome

April 16, 2018

I feel heaps better today! My throat is getting to me because of the persistent cough, but my cold is almost gone. I have heaps of energy, and the cold air is wonderful. It will get very hot today but I’ll turn the aircon on at nine o’clock so when I get home from Centacare I can go into a cool unit. I taught my neighbour how to do push-ups. Her physio is encouraging her to learn comfortable and -easy-to-do exercises so she won’t develop back problems and bone issues will be reduced. So I instructed her on how to do a push-up and got her to do a few. She’s very happy! I said I’d teach her the difficult version but only after she can do the easy ones properly first. Now that the neighbour realises that I won’t allow her to injure herself or push her beyond her limits, she’s willing to learn new exercises. The good news about that is, I don’t agree with any form of forceful discomfort during exersion and I like to keep sporting activities push-ups, swimming walking/running etc, fun and enjoyable. If exercise has to hurt an awful lot, then something is wrong! Unless a medical person can work you through painful exercises, I won’t allow for severe pain during exercise. I told the neighbour to slowly get used to doing these push-ups until she feels really good before I show her the difficult version, which is to lift the whole body up and leave your feet on the ground. Exercise does hurt a little, but it shouldn’t hurt a real lot, unless of course you’re recovering in a medical setting and the physios there can keep people’s safety during uncomfortable exercises, in mind. I told the lady not to listen to people who expect too much of her. Some people think that exercise should make you exhausted, which frankly isn’t always bloody true.

I’m hoping to receive parcels this week. One from America and the other from somewhere in Australia. I’ll put the dog bags away so when I eventually get my new dog, I won’t have to freak out when I run out of poop bags that are sent home with me. I’m also going to find out what food the dog is on, so I’ll get some ordered in before I go for training. I want my unit set up properly before I get the dog. When I get home from the Guide Dogs training centre, I’ll rest/sleep for a few hours, then I’ll go about my normal routine with a lot more time on my hands to take the dog outside and show it around, without stressing out over what I need to do for the unit. I want this dog to feel as relaxed and comfortable as possible. I’m going to start the application process next year. I think I’m fit enough to handle a dog and look after its welfare.

I love my slow cooker!

April 14, 2018

Well, my spaghetti was a success. I fed me and my friend, and three others are getting a container of spaghetti tomorrow for their evening meal. It didn’t have much of a tomato flavour because one of the guys can’t have much tomato so I could only put one tin of tomatoes in it. Oh well. It’s still extremely nice for a ninety-eight percent tomato-free spag! Lolololololol! Some people simple cannot eat too much tomatoes in one meal for a number of reasons. On Tuesday, I’ll be making a great big pot of stew with a lot of fresh tomato in it. And as tonight’s dinner had heaps of garlic from the spaghetti sauce, I didn’t put fresh garlic in it. On Tuesday, I’m putting lots of fresh garlic in my stew. I’m putting a bit of this and that in it, and some beef. Yep, everything goes in my stews and curries! The next time I make spag, the long spaghetti is going in, and chillies and different sauces and such as well. It is gonna be a bloody doozer of a feed! I can make enough slow cooked meals to feed two armies let alone one army. I’m super full so I can’t wait to use my SC again. This time, I’ll be eating breakfast first, so I don’t feel half starved by ten o’clock in the morning.

One of my neighbours is concerned about my health. So I told her I should be fine, will see the doctors at the hospital next week anyway, so I hope my cold doesn’t turn into something else. I’m doing ok so far so we’re optimistic although she’s worried about me. I think it’s just a chest cold so I’m not too concerned personally. But it’s better to be cautious… As for the world’s miseries, America is giving Syria a hard time at the moment. I wonder what will happen next? I hope Australia doesn’t get involved in this war. I don’t believe we should meddle in every other country’s business. It’s not wrong to help other countries and I’m not denying that. What I am pissed off over is that we may possibly get involved in a war that isn’t ours. Now I think it’s stupid going to war with another country when they haven’t even bothered us. I think helping other countries is fine, just don’t fight someone else’s fight.

Weekend

April 14, 2018

I came down with some sort of crappy cough/cold thing last night and woke up with it. It’s horrible! My throat and chest are really irritated! I keep having coughing attacks and I hate it. It’s a pity that doctors can’t prevent me from catching germs. Let’s just hope I can get rid of this quickly and I hope my body stays strong enough to keep up with all the germs so they don’t overtake me. I’m rather hot and sweaty right now. I won’t take Panadol because it’s not effective enough. I’d rather drink all day and rest. I have plenty of food in the fridge so I should be right.

I’ll get my online shopping delivery this arvo. Tomorrow morning I’ve decided I’ll be setting up slow cooked spaghetti and I’m putting lots of vegies in it. Anything to make me want to enjoy eating, is what it comes down to. And when my teeth are fixed I’ll be sipping on soup and nibbling on Jatz and Ritz biscuits with dip. I love crackers and dip! And I love chocolate custard too. And if I can manage it, I’ll try to eat slow cooked meals as well. They’re sooooooooo hard to resis! I keep all sorts of refrigerated snacks too, that way if I need to eat something immediately, I can eat without too much preparation time. I’ll be mashing up a lot of fruit and eggs so I can’t go hungry when I get home from the hospital after surgery. I’m sure the doctors are gonna try to stop me from getting a feeding tube. I know it’ll take longer for me to recover with a feeding tube, but I don’t want to eat while I’m in pain or hurt myself from overdosing Panadol. The docs will have to work something out there. I could go without pain relief, but in today’s society it’s considered cruelty, but in all honesty I couldn’t give a shit. I just want to be left in peace when I’m not well. I’m looking forward to a Guide Dogs tour in a few weeks though! After that I’ll have all year to fix my teeth and my face and I’ll have all the time in the world to get back to fitness and good times again. I’m happy with how Centacare is setting me up for success after I had a frightful discussion the other day and started crying before our picnic outing. So now everyone knows how difficult I am, we’re gonna make sure I don’t get too bothered. I’ve had to explain to some of the care workers why I can’t sedate myself every time I panic either. There is good reason for it, but we can’t risk me developing drug dependence before my upcoming surgery because doctors want the medicines I’m not allergic to so far, to work properly for the duration of my stay in the hospital.

I’m hanging around home for the rest of the day. Sitting outside is helping me a lot, so I will be staying out here. Chitchatting to the neighbour is the way to go. A big cup of hot chocolate will be on the cards in a minute.

It’s now 11:44 am on Saturday and I still haven’t sent this blog off. Lol at least I’m not on a deadline like a news reporter! Even so, it’s high time I hurry up and get moving with this post. I listened to some YouTube videos yesterday, talked with my neighbour and read for most of the day. Today I’m a bit better than yesterday. I’m still coughing a lot but it has improved a bit. I’m sitting up a lot more. I’m still eating and drinking and haven’t gotten any worse. I’ll call it a good sign that this is just a bad cold which will go in a few days. I’m a lot better at fighting germs than I used to be! Relief. I’ve just finished drinking a large cup of hot chocolate. I had a small cup of water earlier. I can smell my slow cooker spag and it’s delicious! All I did was chop up a few vegies, fry some diced up bacon and mince for fifteen minutes, tipped it in the pot, then mixed that with beef stock and some sauces all together, then turned the slow cooker on. Of course I leave the lid on so it cooks properly. I love my slow cooker so much because I can do some cooking preparation with not too much difficulty. I made a bit of a boring spaghetti today. Next time I’m making it to suit my own taste. I’m putting chilly and all sorts of stuff in it! All I have to do later is boil the pasta and drain it before throwing it into the pot. I’ll leave it for fifteen mutes, add a small tub of thick cream and a cup of cheese, then stir it in and leave it for fifteen minutes. Then a really good serving, with or without salad! Yum I can’t wait to try it. My slow cooker is my best cooking friend, although when it comes to the oven, I’ll be getting a support worker to help me with it. At least I know I’m prepared for a shitty year because of my stupid teeth, and also for a lot of swimming and walking.

Well I don’t know if I’ve told you yet, but I’ve decided to work towards getting another guide dog. I ordered in a package of biodegradable bags which I’ll put away when the package arrives. When it gets closer for me to go to the Guide Dogs centre for training, I’ll get some toys and stash them. Then I’ll keep raking money aside so when I bring the new dog home, I can immediately buy some bags of dog food and any other things the dog will need. This will give me a couple of months to staca up some more money for vet costs. After I’m all sorted, I’ll be racing around the joint like a bloody mad woman’s breakfast! Wow, what fun times. And if I’m still going to and from the doctors for different reasons, the dog will come along with me. I’m sure all the medical people will love the dog as much as anyone, and any way of treating my intermittent mental insanity is a bonus for all of us. I’ll be difficult for me to give up on life when I’ve got the dog with me.

Dire news

April 12, 2018

I’ve been listening to the BBC for the past two hours. It has been going all night, I fell asleep and woke up to it. We’re slowly approaching World War III, and I don’t know how long it’ll take to get started. America and Russia, Brittain and Syria, as well as China and Iran, to some degree, are at each other’s throats. When will America strike Syria or Russia? When will Russia attack America or Brittain, and when will they retaliate to any other country’s attacks? Israel is threatened as well. Israel is threatening warning strikes on whoever attacks it, and all-out war on anyone who tries to destroy it. I guess this is just the war rumours and a few random wars popping up here and there all over the world at the moment. But I’m worried that actual world war will break out soon. I’ve read a few Internet articles but opinions are mixed. I don’t know how Australia will fare with the third world war.,

A good day ahead

April 11, 2018

I slept really well last night! I woke up overnight to check emails but I still woke up good this morning. I’ll be going on an outing with Centacare soon. I have a mild cold but not crook enough to stay home. I don’t think I get “sick enough” for any reason anymore lol. I’m doing heaps better with my health this year. Everyone worries about my throat getting irritated all the time but it’s medically incurable so I just don’t worry abouj it. My attitude to medical care makes me appear heartless and bitchy, but seriously people can’t fix everything and it’s a waste of time and energy to freak out over things you can’t fix. I’m also concerned about living a comfortable life, not a long one. Good luck if I do live till I’m a hundred. That’s fantastic! But I’m all about quality over quantity. I’m not here to be miserable. I’ll heckle the doctors endlessly for a month till they see reason then maybe they’ll leave me alone. I hate medical treatment, and joking about me getting crook after surgery really makes me wish I could just get sick and die. That’s how angry I get when I go to the doctors. What scares medical people most is that drugs don’t change how I feel about my current situation. So now I need to be locked in a hospital so I can be kept from going mentally insane till I get better. It’s bullshit but me and medical problems don’t agree. Luckily it’s just my teeth right now. Oh well, if we’re saving myself from future septic infections in the mouth, then fine. If I go crook after my teeth are fixed, it’ll be the lesser of the two evils. I’ll be drugged out for a while so I won’t care.

I hope I find my taxi card in the mail later. If I do, I’m going straight to the shopping centre. I have to get some chicken for the slow cooker and will do a slow cooked meal first thing in the morning, ready for tomorrow night. I’ll cook some rice and mix it in. That will be going into the freezer. And on Sunday I’m making slow cooked spaghetti bolognaisse! I’m sharing that around. Then next week I’m making beef stew.

I couldn’t finish writing because I got on the Centacare bus. I had a lovely day out. We had morning tea and then went for a barbecue picnic at a park. I got on a monorail bicycle and loved it! Two staff members supervised me but I had a great time. I got home at three o’clock and got my new taxi card out of my mailbox and talked to my neighbour for over an hour. I have to stay home for two days even though I really wanted to go out tomorrow! I’m waiting for a parcel to arrive. After that I can’t get parcels for six weeks because I have to save money for a new TV and a cabinete for it. Then if I can manage it, I’ll be getting a new iPhone. After that, a new Braille dinamo labeller, some square bump dots (the ones I have now are all rounded) and a brailled Ludo. A shopping pause for two weeks, then a Snakes and Ladders and new Scrabble set. That will be it for a while. I may have to delay some of these brilliant shopping plans, but we’ll see what happens. I’ll save up for a new iPad, which I desperately need, then a Braille display is next in my list. By then I’ll be doing a whole lot of other things with my life and my mouth should be getting along after my next stint in the hospital possibly within a month. I’ll rest as much as I can while I’m there so by the time I get back home, I can sleep for two days and get back on my feet straight away. And depending on how I go with neighbour dramas here, I’ll see what my future holds with staying in my unit. I hope I’ll want to live here for ever, but for now I don’t know. It’s another wait-and-see situation.

At least my blog is still active. I’ve had so many thoughts racing through my mind about whether or not to keep this blog or not. But I’m glad I didn’t get rid of it. It has been a valuable diary for me for so many years that I’d kick myself if I get rid of it now. When I get my new Braille display I’ll edit my blog properly because I can work better with Braille. Voice-over reads well so I listen to it all day. But editing is better with Braille and really, I’m sick of listening for ever when I’d rather read quietly without any noise. So yeah, it’s all happening!

Plans

April 10, 2018

Well, for the past hour and a half, I’ve been catching up on blogs that I haven’t read for years. I’m going to take my laptop to the library next week and use the Wi-fi network there to clean up my blog site a bit. I have a bit of a hunch that I’ll find it difficult to fix it using the phone. I need to delete some inactive blogs and I need to read through all the other ones. The other thing I need to do – and it’s been on my mind all day, is to trial a Braille Edge display. I had a huge argument with the post office bloke, then had a discussion with the local librarian so I can coordinate postage and handling properly. So now I’m just left with ringing up one of the companies who sells the Braille Edge, and asking if I can try before I buy. I’ll have to let the company staff know that I’ve hopefully sorted out some crap with the post office so I shouldn’t have too many problems with sending the trial product back to company. Life isn’t meant to be so fucking difficult! People can’t just drop their life commitments to help me whenever it suits the occasion, and Centacare has to arrange any carer support a week ahead. These idiots who think that disability workers are private chaffeurs really makes me wonder. Explaining this doesn’t work, I’ve been there and done that. I ended up shouting at the guy over the phone today. What does he damn well expect when he chooses to talk rudely to me and then won’t listen to me when I’m trying to explain something? He’s lucky I didn’t go irate at him. When I get NDIS funding, the support workers are gonna find out how I feel about this postal worker when they hear me giving him a piece of my mind.

I’m going to the hospital next week for my dental consult. I’m going to have as much fun as I can until then. The next few weeks won’t be very nice for me. I’ll be putting packets of soup in the pantry so I can survive on mashed food and soup for three weeks. I also won’t be taking pain pills after my surgery so I’ll be lying in bed for two weeks so I can relax as much as I can and deal with a sore mouth the old-fashioned way. Painkillers don’t make a single bit of difference for me. They create problems and increase my pain level. I guess if that means not getting gum infections in the future, then I guess ok. The doctors can take my bloody wisdom teeth out. My jaw is too narrow to contain all my teeth anyway. I feel lucky I’m not dead yet. I’m surprised that I’ve survived so long with a poor body structure. Oh well, now these medical people can use their opportunity to fix my face somehow. Personally I think my body is too difficult to fix but if the doctors want to be so smart, they can look after me. I’ve also decided that the dentist is a waste of time and money too. I don’t need my teeth to be polished and scoured clean. Brushing them every day is plenty. And bugger the floss too. It just hurts my teeth and is so disgusting and a messy job. If the dentist wants to be so fussy, she can bloody clean my teeth! The only thing I’ll concede to is having my wisdom teeth removed. They might eventually cause a bad infection which will turn septic. So that’s as far as I’ll take mouth care. Once I get home I won’t be seeing the dentist, Ö’ll just brush my teeth every day. I can’t stand medical treatment so I can’t even handle medical instructions of the doctors let alone the dentist. I made a billion complaints to the pharamacist and the GP about dental health care, so I’m guessing the hospital will put up with my fussy personality better. If they tell me not to brush my teeth for twenty-four hours after surgery, I’ll seriously spew. I won’t eat till I’m ready either. I’m not a speedy-recovery person either, so I won’t rush myself for anybody. If it takes me a week to eat, that’s just how it is. I’m not eating so I can go home the next day. I’ll eat when I’m ready to eat, and I’ll go home when I’m well enough. I don’t do time frames and time limits. It may take two days or two months to leave the hospital, which really doesn’t concern me. What concerns me is getting home safely. I briefly told Centacare management that I’ll need to be looked after for a while when I get home. Comfort is my main priority.

I haven’t done much lately, besides sit around and read. I’m in limbo at the moment. My phone is going flat so will have to wrap this up. Since I’ve updated my phone, the battery has gotten worse. When I use my phone for reading and writing, my battery in two hours, and the phone gets really hot too. I’m going to buy a new phone soon. I’ll back up iCloud as soon as I receive the new phone and chuck the old phone away. I wouldn’t even sell it for twenty bucks! I’m saving a tonne of money now so in a couple of months that’s what’s happening. Anyway, this is all for now.

organising my life

March 22, 2018

So folks! It’s all happening. Received a phone call a half hour ago, with a definite consultation appointment with the dental surgeon. I’ll get a letter in the mail next week which I much take to Centacare immediately. I told the reception lady I’m horribly nervous and feel yucky about this whole thing, other than that, fine. She told me not to worry too much, so I hummed and sighed in response, full of trepidation. So we briefly changed the subject to guide dogs, when I let the lady know of my blindness situation and needing mobility lessons with the white cane before I eventually train with a new dog. I gave her a range of two to four years, which made her really happy! She can’t wait to eventually see the dog! Yep, another incentive to tolerate some enjoyable medical procedures. Now let’s see if I enjoy myself just as much when I actually go through with fixing my teeth in the hospital, since I have great difficulty with sore teth and gums at the dentist, even though I take a Valium to make me stay calm and relatively pleasant at the dental clinic. I have the worst time with choking on my tongue and spitting and spluttering afterward! At least my stomach doesn’t hurt a lot. It certainly plays up when my teeth are pulled though. Yuck! Even Valium doesn’t help with blood-induced gut ache much. It does keep me from getting too upset though. Next time when I lose some blood after my wisdom teeth are taken out, I’ll be drugged out a lot more so I should be heaps better I think. The doctor will have to injeceat something into my jaw though because I can’t take any kind of anti-inflamatory or codeine/morphine product. Ha, it’ll be a lot easier for me to stay awake all night while I read. If they really much give me any morphine product stupid reason, they’d better be prepared to knock me out for a few days so I don’t notice. Just sayin…’ With the way the discussion went today, these medical treatments and procedures may just work out ok. Maybe. A big, fat, maybe. My left eye is starting to hurt a bit more too. Let’s see how it goes too. They may look at me while I’m asleep and decide to bring the ophthalmologist in to fix that eye as well. Beter to kill two birds with one stone I reckon.

I read for most of the day and did banking this afternoon. So my day is in order now. Nothing else to do but continue to write for a while, then get back to my iBooks. They’re very interesting indeed! I can’t wait to buy my own Braille display, I’ll quickly get through the Vission Australia library books, then reYoung get into my books on my phone. The Braille displays have a 20-hour battery life so if I get into difficulty while in hospital and I need a distraction, I can spend an entire day and a night reading and playing games. I’ll make an attempt to party as much as possible. It’s a pity I won’t have a Braille display by the time I get into the hospital for my surgery. I love using my braille display with my rhone (this one’s a trial so I’ll get my own device soon), so I’ll be distracted all day and not super bored or very crook and insane. My fucking medical care just needs to be easy and I want my teeth to bloody fix up properly. I don’t have any trust for doctors and I’m nearly certain that they know this.

Mixed emotions

March 22, 2018

Well, bad news. I haven’t received that letter from the hospital. So I rang them a few minutes ago and left a message. I’m waiting for a call from them while almost crying over it. I found out from the support worker today that its most likely that I’ll have to keep myself in hospital for as long as it takes until I feel personally strong enough and confident enough to manage myself at home again. So the waiting game it is, and definitely a lot of shit for me to deal with. I guess that’s what private hospitals are for. Not that I want any difficulties, but that’s what I’m in for. I didn’t think the doctors would find it important enough to chase after me for my lousy teeth. I don’t know what’s so serious, but I’m not happy about it and I’m not in a good mood at the moment. I can’t even ring Centacare till I receive a letter. I’m very angry, and even more so because going to the dentist a few times and making complaints about different issues has got me involved in a bloody doctors investigation over some stupid teeth, and now I don’t know what else these people will discover. I could go in there for my teeth and come out with a lot more than tooth care to put up with. This is really shit.

With all that said, I’m fine. I’m about to eat lunch. I’m getting my washing done so I won’t have anything to do tomorrow, besides read and hopefully take the Braille display to the post office. I’m still waiting for the postal address to be sent, so I won’t send it away till I’ve got the address. The Brailliant works pretty good, so when I finally do send it back, I can decide which model of Braille display I want when I save the right amount of money for one. A TV is on the cards as well. When I’ve sorted these two items out, I’ll be getting a new phone and iPad eventually. And then some more Braille accessories. Then a holiday to Cairns. After that, I don’t know! Actually, I nearly forgot that I need to get a water purifer for my kitchen sink approved. Then a few other things. Hopefully I’ll get the right funding for NDIS and I should be set to go for saving money as well. Walking and swimming will do me good too. I can’t wait to get my taxi card. As soon as I get it, I’m heading straight for the frigging pool. I need to go swimming. I can’t stand hanging around home all the time. At least I can get to the shops. I’ll be learning the travel route there soon enough. Then I’ll be walking every fucking day. I’ll stay sane if I can walk every day. I’ve had enough of sitting around with pesimistic crap thoughts and doom and gloom bloody feelings. lovely way to live! Yeah. The sooner I can cut the unhealthy I’m-blind-and-poor shit, the better. I’m a little bit ripped off that I’m like this not by choice. I can fix decisions, but not the stupid fucking circumstances. I’ll be making sure I have a lot of books to read during my medical treatments, I’m gonna buy the Braille display before I buy an iPhone too, that way I can decide if electronic or paper Braille will suit me best, depending on the situations I’m in. Apart from my female stuff making me feel a bit under the weather, I’m not crippled and horribly sick and half dead. So I’ll give myself a few points for that and see how I go between now and the next doctor’s appointment. The worst thing that can happen is starting back at the drawing board and putting myself in the hospital sooner than later. I’m not a believer in keeping all the body parts; if you’re healthy that’s fine. But when you’re prone to health isues, take anything from the body which causes illness and/or poor health, and hope for the best. But for now, no thank you. I’ll be right for now.

A really bumpy road ahead

March 21, 2018

I’m at home after a lovely day out. I’m gonna have a shit of a time for the next few months. I got a call from the Marter Hospital this afternoon. They’re going after me like a pack of dogs. I have to ring Centacare tomorrow morning to ask them when they can drive me to and from my first appointment. I’m very pissed off about that, but if a doctor is urgent to let me know what to expect with my teeth because he insists they need fixing, then I just need to slog ahead begrudgingly to see what he has to say. After that I’ll decide whether I want to go through with oral surgery or not. I already know I don’t want to go through with an operation, but I’ll wait for the consultation appointment to let the doctor know this. I have to get the support worker to check a letter for me when she comes in the morning, ring Centacare and make appointment arrangements, then ring the hospital back and confirm the arrangement. Then I have to check with Centacare to make sure they’ve got the same date and time written up, then I’ll be set to go. I’m curious to know what benefit I’ll have from wisdom tooth surgery considering I can’t have painkillers (complications from reactions to stronger painkillers except for Panadol)? The surgery will do more harm than good, and if the doctor comes up with the brilliant idea of keeping my mouth numb for an extended time, I won’t be able to eat or take any tablets so I’ll be stuck in that hospital for a week for the sake of drug complications because unlike everyone else who can just go home relatively complication-free, this isn’t the way with me, as I finally discovered from a few doctor consults because of all my bullshit health issues last year. Funnily enough, the needle the doctor gave me in February has magically fixed my system, Christ only knows how, and besides the normal nausea feelings I get from time to time because of typical life stresses and the odd germ going around, I feel totally fine and healthy, not a single bloody thing wrong with me! So in May I’m getting a metal rod thing inserted into my arm. It has slow-release medicine in it so I’ll be symptom-and-illness-free for the entire three years it’ll be staying in my arm. Obviously it won’t stop typical illnesses but it fixes ninety-nine percent of my problems and horrible bullshit weird and strange crap, so this medical procedure is the least of my worries. At least I’ll be out of bed and ready to go within a week. Not bad considering my teeth will keep me in bed for a damn fortnight or longer! I won’t even take pain relievers for this procedure in May. What makes you think I’ll take painkillers after oral surgery? The pain will be horrific, you might say. Well, the side effects and allergic reactions are no different to the original problems they’re supposed to fix. Painkiller complications makes my recovery no better, if not worse, than if I didn’t take them. I’ll be telling the doctor that, and I can only assume that he’ll decide to keep me in hospital rather than let me have my way and decline the surgery.

Besides all the medical rubbish, I’m doing fine. The weather is boiling hot even though it’s autumn, so I’ve been staying cool in the air-conditioning. I have to take this Braille display to the post office on Friday. I’ve decided to stay home tomorrow and read as much as I can. I love my iBooks but prefer to read them in Braille. I tend to lose concentration when I listen to voice-over reading the books. Plus I find the speech isn’t always right with pronouncing some words. I get a lot more out of reading a book if it’s in Braille. So I’ll read as much as I can. I’ll wait for the bloke to give me the right postal address just to be sure before sending the parcel back. I don’t want to get to the post office and have nowhere to send it to. The last resort option would be for the bloke to send someone out to pick it up from me. If it ends up happening like that, fine. But I’m hoping I can just post it back. This device is working well, by the way. Last week it locked up and no amount of trying to re-boot it would fix it. So I let it run flat and when the charger arrived by post, I finally got the device working again. So when I send this Brailliant BI back to its owner, I’ll save up the money to buy it. I’m sure with my medical appointments running through all of this year, it will thatake for ever to fund myself for the things I really want. But I guess at the end of the day, if it stops me from having health issues and the odd call-out for the ambulance or house-call doctors, then somehow it’ll be worth it. Not that I wanted to come to Brisbane to fill my life with doctors and nurses and medical attention to start with, but oh well. I’m hoping my life will be back to normal entirely, where I left off when I was young and super fit quite a few years ago. But like everything broken that needs fixing, one’s body usually ends up in better condition than before the illness or other issues occured.

What I like about knowing that I’m in for a rough time because of my mouth, is that at least I’m putting my life in order now so I won’t have to worry about much when the time comes to deal with all the hospital shit. I may not have a Braille display by then, but I’ll have a lot of Braille books from VA to read, so reading all day and all night in the hospital won’t bother me. I know the nurses will nag at me to sleep, but my own interest comes first, sorry. When I’m sick for any reason, hail rain or sunshine, I think of Number One first. When I’m not well, a good book is more important than anything in the world. Sleep will come whenever I’m ready to sleep even if it takes more than two days to fall asleep. I’ll be taking my phone recharger with me so I’ll be playing with my phone or reading for the entire time I’m in hospital. I’ll even use my phone to communicate if I need to. Hopefully I won’t lose my ability to speak unless I have a breathing tube in, in which case I’d insist on keeping my phone with me all day and all night so I can write in the Notes app so people can see what I have to say. Then they can just speak back to me, or write back if they’re not with me. I find it fucking amazing that some health issues are caused by teeth problems! I just don’t believe it. I don’t actually agree with having my wisdom teeth removed but the medical people are after me like you wouldn’t believe. So I’ll presume that they’re going to try to talk me into oral surgery and keep me in because they know I’d rather deny any operations than cope with them. Well, yeah, that’s right! So they’ve got me. I think they’re fixing my mouth while I’m healthy because most doctors think fixing a person after they’ve gotten sick will be more difficult and all the rest. Ok that’s fine, but then I still have to go through surgery and get treatment for getting sick for weeks afterwards. So however they work it out, I don’t have the faintest idea. I’d rather have surgery for any reason if it’s to save my life, but the doctors won’t agree with me or approve of me holding off operations because saving a healthy life is easier. Well I wouldn’t care so much about pain and other problems if I was already half dead. But as it is, I’m alive and kicking and feeling very good! So I do care. I’m still shocked that I came to Brisbane in 2016 to have a great time and I’m now facing years of medical treatments. Some treatments are great. A few days of feeling like crap then you’re good to go for ever. Other treatments… Well. No. Just fuck it. It’s like the doctors are saying good we’ve finally got a blind person who nearly died when they were born in Cairns, ok quick, let’s fix her now while she’s living in Brisbane – we couldn’t get her years ago so let’s get her now!!!!!!!!!! Yep. This really really pisses me off. Cairns Hospital doesn’t care, they know the places here will put up with people worse than me. The difficult people who live in Cairns come down here for months or years for their treatments and then go back home when they’re well enough. I happen to be one of the “difficult cases”, and I just happen to be living here. But hey, when I’m over the shit in six months’ time, I can go to Cairns for a holiday as a not-so-sick person. Not that I’m sick at the moment. I actually feel fine. But my teeth issues would class me as being “sick”. I don’t accept that, but this is how medical people see it.

Trial Braille Display

March 14, 2018

I received the Brailliant this afternoon. I’ll be sending it back next week. The Bluetooth software in my phone is shit but the Braille display is perfect! I can write really well, the main problem is Bluetooth always cutting out. Apart from that, I love the Brailliant! I actually think it’s better than the Braille Note. Now I regret ever buying the Braille Note. The 32-cell display is better for reading as well as for writing and especially reading. I think the Perkins style keyboard lets me write in contracted Braille properly too. The Qwerty keyboard just didn’t cooperate with me as well as I’d expected. There’s a few minor issues with the Perkins keyboard and some Braille symbols, and I have to type a little slow, but at least I can type properly. It’s very portable too. I’ll definitely be buying a Braille display!

I woke up with a funny throat today. I hope it won’t take long to get rid of whatever it is. It’s frigging annoying! Everyone has been either vomiting or having respiratory problems. Not that I like either situation, but I’d rather have a bad throat than vomiting. One of the ladies suddenly vomited violently this arvo and the ambulance came for her as our respite bus left. We were all playing board games and card games and having a great time, until one of the women complained of dizziness as she was about to walk to the bus. Then she started throwing up severely. I felt really horrible for her. Hopefully she’s ok. Me and a couple of others tried to lighten the situation with a bit of joking around, but I stopped laughing and joking when the poor lass was getting worse instead of better. So I went from pretending to feel almost sick, to truly feeling sick and upset. My stomach settled after a few minutes and I didn’t get worse luckily. Tonight my throat is really crappy though. Some people are concerned about me too, but honestly, the doctor can’t treat colds and flu germs. They can fix vomiting and breathing problems, but the bugs still have to wear off on their own.

10 March, 2018 19:46

March 10, 2018

I went to a saloon that’s closer to me this morning. I got my hair washed and cut, and styled! Due to my head being really disgusting and the hairdresser at a different place buggering my hair up, my new hairdresser has created a new hair program for me under a special deal! I’m sooooooooo happy with her already, so I’ll be going back every twelve weeks. I complained about my teeth being horrible, but one of the ladies said they looked all right. I thought that was nice of them to say that, but I still hate my teeth. After my hair was cut and washed, a really nice leave-in conditioner was put in. My scalp is a bit sore actually a bit sore, but I found out today that chronic dandruff causes pain and itching and takes months to get rid of4 I’ll have to try out a few shampoos until I find one that works for me, then I’ll use a few different scented shampoos with similar ingredients, as well as other leave-in products. So now I have to wash and brush my hair all the time, plus rub leave-in conditioner in the ends of my hair. My scalp is so shitty really. So by the looks of it, any shampoo I use will cause some pain until the dandruff goes away. I was told some products have tee-tree oil in them, so I said to leave out the oil. I hate the crap.

I should receive a trial Braille display next week. I can’t wait to test it out. My stupid phone won’t let me use Braille Screen Input properly, the fucking thing! I find it super slow to type with one finger, but writing in Braille is a bloody pain too. Hopefully the Braille display will let me type faster without having to delete mistakes all the time. My books from VA haven’t turned up yet so I hope they come in the next few days. I’m buying a new Rummy game as well. I’ll do an online order on Tuesday. I hope it arrives while I’m at home because I don’t want to cart myself off to the post office just for a stinkin’ parcel! Apart from that I’ll be having a boring week. Two outings with Centacare and that’s it. If my books and the Braille display turn up, I should be fine and not too bored.

9 March, 2018 13:34

March 9, 2018

A mobility instructor from Guide Dogs came around this morning. A good start to the mobility lessons and I can’t wait to get out and about again. It’ll take time for me to get used to high intensity exercise again, but I’m getting better and stronger. I rang Vision Australia today as well. I complained about someone who is not a client of Vision Australia, trying to weasle their way into outings with Vision Australia clients. I told a person from VA that I heard the person talking to a VA client, and that it’s possible they may have gone with the client and their support worker. I couldn’t be certain, I couldn’t hear the non-client at all after half seven this morning. Hopefully non-client won’t try their luck and do stupid things because VA client wants their own way all the time. They’re going out tonight, so hopefully the non-client won’t go with the Vision Australia client. If the non-client did not go out this morning, then they may have waited downstairs for quite a while for another company to pick them up on a bus. I was concerned that people were allowing some people to go out with Vision Australia, so I got in first. Better to be safe than sorry, plus I’d rather let people know about my concerns so they can prevent problems from happening in the future. I don’t go on VA outings anymore, but I still use their shop and library and I report any concerns to Vision Australia just to make sure people don’t create shit for other people.

I asked the person from VA about some games too. I want to get a new pack of Uno cards and a Monopoly board. I then went online and found a Rummy tile game set, so I’m buying that next week! I’ll also be trialling a Braille display and if I really like it I’m setting up a payment plan to buy one. I’ll be making a new Maxi-Aides account as well, at some point. I’ll also be making an account with the Braille Super Store too. Then there’s gonna be some Braille accessories coming to the front door over the next few months. I’ll be paying for a gym membership later, the doctors have their medical crap policies on diet and exercises, but I’m going for it just to enjoy myself and socialise and get out into the community. I’ll be etting health checks once in a while too, I don’t want to be the fitness buff ho drops dead from undetected heart issues. Exercise and diet isn’t failproof. Life is looking up for me. I’ll trample underfoot anyone who tries to get in my way.

Australia Day

January 26, 2018

Happy Australia Day to those living in Australia! I have had a very lazy day. Lying around and eating is all I have been doing. A little walk around the complex just for some sunshine and that was it really. Then I decided to check e-mails. I found a letter from yesterday stating that my VA grant from Disability Services Queensland has been revoked. That’s good, I wanted to get away from VA as quickly as I could. I want nothing to do with them any more. Now I just have to go to the doctors next week, fill out the paperwork for GDQ, let the doctor know I’ll be fine and that I’m refusing medical care at my own risk except for life-threatening circumstances, and I’ll be on my way. I won’t be so blunt with the doctor, I’ll just imply what I’ve just said. Well, of course I’ll be clear with them, but not blunt. I’m sure I’ll be fine. Doctors are all about saving life and limb, good on them. I’m all about quality of life, and medical care does not improve my quality of life. I don’t need a doctor, I just need paper to say I’m fit enough to do O and More training. My general health apart from this criteria is none of my concern. I was very outright with Centacare staff too, no medicine when I get ill please! My wishes are respected. I prefer to stay sick until I get better and am no longer sick. I don’t like masking symptoms and I don’t like getting ill from tablets just so I can say my original prom isn’t so bad. It just doesn’t make any sense. I can’t see the point of intensionally getting sick when you’re already sick!!!!!!! Like, ok, I have a sore knee, sore stomach, or whatever ailment you’d like to insert. So, I’d like to take a pain reliever that makes me vomit and get high blood pressure, because I like that???!!! No, thank you. No, I do not like that. I’d prefer to just have a sore stomach, or sore knee, or whatever ailment, without making myself ill deliberately, thank you. I can live with injuries and still recover just fine while I suffer because I want to be that way. It’s easier for me to suffer through recovery than it is to take medicine and suffer from medicine issues. And yes, if I lose my appetite and can’t drink anything, I do want a needle in my hand, for as long as it takes to get well. And no, I don’t want to recover quickly. I want to get better at my own pace. With all that said, I feel ok today. Talking of wanting my wishes respected, I’m going to get the doctor to help me fill out a health directive and a DNR form. I don’t believe in prolonging life at all, and these mavericks who carry on about how people are living longer and longer need a good kick up the bum. How cruel can one get! I don’t want to live longer. I just want to live a happy life. I’ll be talking to Centacare about this too. I’m fine because I’m fairly happy now and I’m sure I’ll improve. Not arguing about that. But because I can’t take almost all medicines for pain and anesthesia is difficult for me, it’s not good that I live a happy life only to realise that during occasional medical treatments I have to suffer more than is necessary. Of course if I broke my arm tomorrow I’d just bear it. But surgery is a different story. And while it’s good on the surface of things to just accept all that with a pinch of salt as it were, I don’t want to live for a long time if I can’t be happy. That’s my point. Due to bing born prematurely and all these problems with complications during medical treatment, I just want nature to take its course. If I have a very high chance of recovery, then save me. But if my recovery will be frought with difficulty and it’s best to just let me die, then please just leave me alone. A doctor would then have to determine my risks over benefits to recovery every time something bad happens, but it’s worth the hassle of filling out a health directive. I could live till I’m a hundred or only till I’m fifty. Who cares, so long as I’m not too miserable and people can say I had a good time, is what I expect for myself at the end of the day.

Now for some happier news! The yoghurt and orange juice are helping me get rid of this bloody flu virus thing! Now that’s the good part. Even better, when I get Guide Dogs set up properly in my life, I’ll finally be able to continue where I left off when I was in Cairns. I’ll get through my doctor appointment and the bullshit will be over for good. I won’t even worry about my teeth, they arenT an emergency thing so who cares what the dentist thinks about me refusing surgery to get rid of my wisdom teeth. She’s angry at me enough as it is, but she’s not a priority in my life. Medical people are last in line for me. I know I won’t be the one calling for help if I crash and burn next time. I’ll turn my phone off too, I so desperately want to be sure I can’t call for help in an emergency situation. I’m bloody serious about that. I swear to God the next time I need an ambulance I’ll not know about it believe me. Not mucking around! In any case, after next Tuesday I’ll be sailing along with not a fucking care in the world. I’ll stay happy for as long as I can and live the high life for as long as possible and that’s IT! I’m not concerned about medical shit I just want to live life how it suits me to live, make sure I meet the right criteria for paperwork and the rest is history and no skin off my nose. Life is too short to worry about crap. I’m better off freaking out over how I’ll handle a new guide dog, whether any of my new friends at Centacare will still be around next week because who knows, old age can take them at any time now, etc etc!!!!!! I know when I eventually get a guide dog it’ll be too difficult for me to give up on life because the poor dog will be wondering where I am, why I won’t be coming home any more… Etc. I’ll see how I am by the time I get my new dog. Dogs are great company but they can’t stop the uncertainty of life. Counselling doesn’t fix my life either. So yeah. But oh well, I haven’t gotten bored of life yet. I’m wondering how my lovely retired guide dog is? Maybe I’ll never find ou… I’m still soooooooo upset that I had to get rid of him, for no good reason. Moving out isn’t a good enough excuse to abandon a dog, even if you know the new family will look after it. I know kids and dogs are different species of creature altogether, but that doesn’t take away how wrong it is to get rid of a dog that used to help me every day. Poor dog! I hate almost all the neighbours at this complex too. They can go to hell.

I have nothing planned for next week. I had to spend a fortune on shopping just to fill the pantry because then I’ll be able to save a tonne of money in case I do bring a new guide dog home, or some other emergency situation comes up. The guide dog would be much nicer than an emergency, so hopefully nothing terrible happens! I dumped a couple of horrible people out of my life and the rest of them are good so to hell with the shit-stirers who I hate so much. I won’t be helping them any time soon. I’m making friends outside this complex anyway. Most people are a lot nicer. There’s a couple of people I can associate with here. But everyone else can bloody drop. Whatsapp is working properly again, so the people I speak to on there are nice to me. So long as I’ve got a few friends I can rely on I should be right. I think I’ll definitely stick with yoghurt and OJ on top of my regular diet, it’s doing wonders for me. I didn’t think I was going to get rid of my cold, but yeah, amazing what the adition of a drink and yoghurt can do eh! Ah well, I’m getting better so that’s the main thing. The rest of my day will be very boring for me I think. I’ll be checking Whatsapp again and possibly reading books after I edit my blog for a while.

24 January, 2018 22:05

January 24, 2018

I cancelled my Vision Australia services this morning. I’m very happy, now to set up what I need from Centacare (I just have to fill out that paperwork at the doctors and GDQ will be set to go), and then I should be right. When I’ve got my individual support and Guide Dogs set up, I just have to put it into my NDIS plan and I’ll be resuming where I left off in 2016 when I retired my beautiful guide dog. I have chosen to hold a grudge about having to let Troy go. Guide and like I have to step on eggshells with a lot of people, right or wrong that’s the impression I get here but not from everybody of course—just that I’m sick of having to work out who I can be friendly with and who I can’t be friendly to, and I’m super pissed off about that!!!!!!!! So I’m just going to hide from now on. I’ll hang out with people who don’t live here, who I can associate with a lot better and I’ll only be here to eat and sleep as far as I’m concerned. I don’t intend to stay home much any more except for the few occasions I can speak to the odd one or two lovely people here. I’m very fussy about whom I associate with now. The Centacare staff are doing a fine job with keeping me from getting isolated from the community and keeping me comfortable at home so all good!

I’ve just returned from having a shower. I accidentally splattered toothpaste all over my clothes (don’t know how the fuck that could have happened), but anyway that’s what I did lol! So I put my clothes into the washing machine which I was gonna do tomorrow but oh well, I have a clothes dryer in here so not to matter. I can do the towels and sheets in the morning so on Thursday I won’t have washing to put away because it’ll be done by tomorrow afternoon. No yoga for two weeks so this Thursday and next Thursday will be free for me. Eventually I won’t be participating in any social activities at the units here, but I’m leaving that story for future reference too. I’ll put everything in order here for a few years so by the time I move out I won’t be stranded. Let’s just say that I’m glad I let Vision Australia go. Enough said, they aren’t worth my time. More to come about that later on. I’ve got full control of my life now. And as for Jui-jitsu, I’ll find an alternative route to taxi travel because it’s just a whole waste of money getting taxis twice a week. So I’ll sort it out with Guide Dogs. Now Jui-jitsu and Judo are different but similar martial arts, so I’ll be looking for a Judo club which is the closest to me. Judo or Jui-tsu, whichever one. Then I’ll work out a good travel route. I need some type of activity in my life, and anything that is hands-on and gets me out into the community is the way to go! I’ll renew my PCYC membership at the end of the year because I cut my card to pieces due to severe frustration at how difficult some of the techniques are, but I’ll give myself another chance at the end of the year. Knowing my stupid life, something may get in the way of me succeeding but let’s hope for good luck this time. If Jui-jitsu doesn’t work out, then fine. But I want to at least give myself a few good chances before giving up! Martial arts is good for killing time and keeping active and social so I really want to keep working at whichever martial art I can successfully fit into.

I’m going to presume that by the thickness of the envelope I found in my mailbox today, that I’ve got my GDQ paperwork!!!!!!! I’m going to make a doctor’s appointment when I get up tomorrow. Since there’s no rush just yet, I’ll just get it worked out for next week and post the paperwork off so by the time the instructor turns up it’ll be processed. I’ll assume that I’ll be right for getting a guide dog, but after my checkup next week this may or may not change, I wouldn’t have a clue yet. I just have to remember that if anything goes wrong with me, there won’t be any pain relief except Panadol even if I break my leg. Yeah, not even any IV pain relief. But that’s the risk I take if I want to participate in sports and get out and about all the time. My stomach just doesn’t process painkillers in any shape or form. I’d have to be in seriously bad shape and in intensive care, and then with a big cocktail of medicines I’ll be able to handle pain relievers properly. Yeah. Just the fucking life I want and really like! Sure! Ah well. I’ve survived this long, and trained with a guide dog in the past. I’ll just remember not to get pain scripts filled and if future medicines don’t work I’ll be telling the doctor and chucking the said meds down the toilet. I won’t take meds that disagree with me unless the risk to my life is greater than the side effects for example, a queasy stomach preferable to cardiac issues, some other problem preferable to being unable to walk, or breathe properly, or some seriously dramatic thing like that. If I can deal with a problem and it’s not immediately life-threatening, no medicine thank you! I’ve got medicine worked out for the dentist appointments so that’s lucky. If I weren’t to tolerate this medication, you can bet my arse I’d be refusing dental care outright too. So I’m very extremely lucky that this particular type of medicine agrees with me and the side effects are only annoying but not intolerable. So that’s the good news! As for everything else, grin and bear it I say. I’ve heard people say that you can pass out from pain. Well I say that’s good because I’d rather pass out than have a sore gut or vomiting problems. The worst part about my teeth now that I say that, is that I spew up a bit if I forceably push myself to tolerate it when they’re being cleaned for God’s sake. The only way around that is a numbed mouth due to terrible pain, which is rather annoying but preferable to me than vomiting or queasiness due to taking pain relievers. Oh wait, I feel like spewing when the dentist is cleaning my teth and debris and water starts dribbling down my throat! Yep. can’t win can I? Oh well, whatever works for me at the time and hopefully no emergency situations please! I reckon I’ll be fine with how I live my life, I’m here to have a good time so I’m not interested in the bad shit that may, or may never, happen. I’m not prepared to put my life on hold just to prevent presumed drama. And so what if I get into difficulty? At least I won’t have any regrets.

23 January, 2018 15:39

January 23, 2018

Well, onwards and upwards like a little sparrow! I spent the day alone today, I didn’t want anybody to hang around me at all. I spoke to somebody from GDQ, they’re talking to Centacare for me because I’m letting Vision Australia go and keeping Centacare and Guide Dogs on board. So hopefully we can sort my plan out ASAP now and I’ll be getting the disability support I need without any bullshit! I’m not expecting everything to be rosy for a while, but so long as I’m not being buggerised around and trampled underfoot I should be fine. I feel sorry for the people I speak to when I have to voice my concerns about my need to let VA go but I can’t say why yet I know the problems I’ve had with VA are very serious. Without too much said, a lot of bullying and no respect or proper organisation or professional conduct etc etc etc. Complaints are either swept under the rug or people are thrown away without a fair trial. There’s no difference between actual criminal suspects and people who’re just out of control, and the people who’re fighting back because they don’t like the situations they’ve been put in to. Behave as the bullies TELL you to, or GOODBYE! So long as there’s nothing more to the investigations of people’s behaviour, just get rid of us if we’re substandard but don’t look at both sides of the story and don’t look for any reasons for the behavioural problems. That’s fine with me, I don’t have to give any reasons for dropping VA then, do I? As far as I’m concerned Centacare have supported me properly and I’m getting GDQ to help me again and this time I’m not letting them go!

22 January, 2018 13:36

January 22, 2018

I’ve just contacted GDQ. I’ll be organising the paperwork ASAP and will be set up within two weeks! O and M training will start in earnest now. I can’t see myself getting another guide dog, but Guide Dogs is convincing me gradually to accept the offer of a new dog, so we’ll see what happens. I will be seeing the doctor in a few days and will be taking control of my medical situation before anything happens. My dentist is only interested in money so I won’t tolerate any crap. I don’t have a problem with being uncomfortable so long as it’s not too intolerable and I don’t make myself worse by taking most medicines. I so far can only take Panadol that cent of the time. I don’t want to fix my life. I like it how it is. Medication makes me sick, doesn’t help me recover at all, and I’d rather not get better than have medical treatment and deterioate anyway. I won’t recover with or without medical care, so just leave me alone. I’ll get the doctor to pass me for O and M training and I want her to leave me alone and accept that I don’t want to fix my health, I’m satisfied with my health as it is and I don’t need it to change. I want nature to take its course.

18 January, 2018 10:58

January 18, 2018

A quick blog. I rang Guide Dogs today. I’ll try them again later. I want to keep away from most neighbours as well. I need time to myself and I also need to set myself up for some kind of life away from here. I need happy people in my life. I need to be walking around as well, not just sitting around all the time.

Changes

January 17, 2018

Well, back to Guide Dogs it is! Centacare is concerned to high heaven about me, so they got a case from me with some reasonable proof that I won’t go off the beaten track. I bring trouble to those who bring trouble to me, so Centacare is making sure I change my program schedule to make myself comfortable quick smart. They’re not concerned about how I change my life for everyone else, the management just wants a good outcome for me, and if push comes to shove, they’ll take over the case. In a few years as it appears now, I’ll be packing up and moving if my life doesn’t improve here. I can’t improve if I’m not comfortable so the environment and the people around me needs rearrangements too. Things like orientation lessons, excursions and travel training with GDQ, better friends and general happiness, for a start! If it doesn’t work out here, I’ll be relocating and will make my life work. Nobody else will do it for me. I’ll be putting Centacare and GDQ on my NDIS plan and that will be it. No more of this high school shit and missing out on outings because of disorganised management at VA somebody oi won’t name calls them Vision Aufalia! Good one. I know mistakes happen, but some mistakes aren’t excuseable, so take this how you will. I should never have left GDQ in the first place, but what happened, happened. As for not drinking enough water and getting sick with other problems, it’s a whole crock of shit and never to ever, fucking be repeated!!!!!!! Not. Frigging. Tolerated! I don’t care about the circumstances, hot or God damned bloody cold!!!!!! Just, don’t get sick from heat stroke and dehydration. And try to avoid other bacterial infections at any cost. GDQ is a lot more professional and any complaints are taken seriously and resolved within two days or less if they’re minor, and if it’s a very serious complaint, it’s sorted within a month. I’ve never had major difficulties with GDQ, personal grievances yes, but not actual serious complaints about the company itself. VA is good in many ways too. There’s just a lot lacking as well and I must say they’ve lost points and the way complaints are handled within a group environment is shocking! I think it’s my fault how I’ve made my life, should never have left GDQ no matter how much I hated arguing with people on rare occasions! At least the fucking disagreements were resolved with a fair hearing! I should really get a kick up the booty for this shit! Humanity is no excuse either. We wouldn’t forgive humans for killing each other. So why forgive this bullshit? Human error is not good enough and it NEEDS TO CHANGE!!!!!!!! I don’t believe in mistakes. I didn’t make a mistake. I did what I thought was best at the time.

16 January, 2018 12:13

January 16, 2018

I’m all right today. I didn’t do a whole lot, just some washing and deciding what to do with my life. I will visit Cairns again at some point and then after two weeks I’ll decide if I come back here or stay there. I’ll think about my decision when I actually go there.

13 January, 2018 14:34

January 13, 2018

I’ve been reading for the past couple of hours. I’m happy in the unit, the two ugly bastards, J and V are permanently out of my life now. The dirty rotten leaches will be kicked out of the complex one of these days. I have Centre Care and Vision Australia on my side now so I’m fine. The cops told me to keep retreating from the aggressive mother-fucking cow V if she tries her shit again, instead of fighting back immediately unless of course she’s hurting me and I can’t get away from her except by fighting back. now that does make sense! She’s a cunt and V has committed an unforgiveable sin as far as I’m concerned. Call me stupid but it’s how I see it. The piece of shit pig is as aggressive as a damned frigging chimp so if I hear her accuse anyone of being aggressive, I’ll tell that person to say that she can’t talk because she’s so fucken aggressiive and that she also makes herself look bad by making untrue accusations without finding out the facts first, and also by accusing
people of the same behaviour she is acting out herself. Anyway, a friend is here so I’ll write more later.

4 January, 2018 14:00

January 4, 2018

I”m having an awesome day! Yesterday wasn’t too bad either. Me and my support worker talked a lot for two hours, not a very productive afternoon I must say. Then I went to the shops, got some groceries and came home. I’m a little concerned that my support worker is becoming overbearing, I will need to sort this out before the issue gets worse. She’s starting to mind in to my business and lifestyle and it’s not part of her job description. She’s not allowed to let me get hurt, but she is also not allowed to overstep her boundaries. Talking to her isn’t working, so I’ll need to put in a complaint, something I dislike strongly, but I won’t accept busybody or pryingstcontrolling behaviour. Tell me what you think and what you’d suggest, but excuse me, bossy and possessive attitudes are not on! I understand the support worker isn’t well and she does do a great job with helping people. But that’s no excuse to carry on.

Besides my ongoing problems with my support worker, I’m ok. I think my physical health is good, but my mental health is bad. I don’t hold it against anyone, except of course V’s horrible treatment towards me which thankfully I can ignore now and she no longer bothers me because I can step back from what she’s doing knowing I’m not responsible for her, and I’m not obligated to help her or respond if she tries to speak to me. But anyway, besides that my mental state isn’t the best, and restricting my lifestyle and shopping trips isn’t helping with the situation. And I’ve seen it again: lack of understanding from disability workers, of how hard is is for people with any disability let alone vision impairment, to struggle with life every day. Blindness is a sensory disability. But for someone to make such harsh remarks about how blindness is only sight loss, not other physical disabilities, makes me realise how uncaring many people are. That doesn’t mean babying blind people. Not at all. What this does mean is don’t downplay visually impaired people’s feelings or psychiatric state. Frankly I think a lot of people are in the disability sector for the pay packet, which is disgusting! And many of these people aren’t client-focused either. Another mark crossed off.

I know in myself I’m a human being of value, so don’t get me wrong. But remarks from lots of people, makes me feel like because I can’t see, my emotions and physical health don’t matter; so long as I appear happy and fine, don’t really worry about what isn’t said. Obviously there’s gray areas to all of this, people can’t know everything. But if all I say is “I’m fine thank you”, or “I’m ok thanks! How are you?”, on the one hand I know that people can’t be aware of what I don’t tell them. But then, I figure that maybe what I don’t say would not be of any concern, so if I did say I’m a bit under the weather, of course most people hope I’m all right. But when it comes to struggling with problems on top of being blind, all of a sudden this is a different story and my feelings and emotions don’t matter, I’m happy and healthy on the outside, so feeling really shitty isn’t of any concern whatsoever because blindness and problems are just that, problems. Never mind the fucking crap that goes with such issues. Hmmmmm…….. Oh well…. That’s most people for you. So I suffer in silence because I can just keep looking “fine”, a hundred percent of the time, knowing that in reality it’s not the case. I feel sooooooooooooooo disallusioned with this world. Right or wrong, I’m responding to the world like I am based on the impressions I get from people. Ok, so I can’t be certain about everything either. But unless I know differently, or I can be proven differently about my given impression of situations or people, I won’t change my behaviour or my opinions.

I’m going to the Link Vision gym this arvo. A good escape away from reality for an hour. Then back upstairs to my air-conditioned unit. Tonight after dinner I’ll be reading all evening, and most likely all day tomorrow. I also need to edit my blog. I deleted my Audioboom account months ago so I need to remove all the posts with dead links in them. Now that will keep the boredom away for ages! I’ll be making a big feed tonight of sausages and vegies. I need to use up some of what’s in the fridge and in a few days I’ll do a bit more shopping and next Monday I’ll be making seafood marinara in the afternoon when a Centre Care worker comes around. I have to sort out my NDIS stuff at some stage so I can get more hours with a support worker. If I find out that NDIS funding won’t guarantee a change in disability services quality, well I don’t know what I’ll do. I just can’t see any logical sense with the way the world governments are working things out. I think, whether I’m right or wrong and I don’t care—that governments around the world are designing policies in such a fashion that the agents who work for them have to control the people they’re paid to help. I know that sounds bloody crazy, but this is my honest opinion right now. It’s not the Government’s fault that I have problems; everybody has problems. But I certainly blame the Government for the unhappiness of many people. I strongly believe that my hopeless and despairing state is because I’m a grown woman with too many busybodies in my life and I need to say, goodbye and no more nonsense, to them. I’m not against everyone in the world, just some people, and most medical professionals. But besides all that, life in this unit is fine, I have lots of snack foods and different beverages and cold water, so generally speaking I’m pretty well perfect. Just a few areas of my life which are thoroughly pissing me off to no end but I’ll sort it out so hopefully all good.

2 January, 2018 20:33

January 2, 2018

I was gonna write an entry last night but decided to wait till today because I was tired. I had a boring day today and yesterday. I went to the shops in the afternoon and got a whole heap of stuff because the pantry was so neglected for most of the year! All sorted now, only a few odds and ends to get now and 2018 should be off to a good start for me. I dumped another useless friendship so I’m all good as far as I’m concerned. The weather is hot most of the time now, against what some people go on about drinking too much water/other fluids, I drink it anyway. It doesn’t hurt to get a doctor’s check if I think I’m going strange so I drink as much as I wish every day, don’t feel too strange or weird, so I’m not too bad and I’m assuming that there’s no limit to how many beverages and water I can drink so long as I give myself time to process it all. Exercises at the Link Vision gym starts up on Thursday this week so I’m excited already. Vision Australia outings start next Friday so I seriously can’t wait!!!!!!! V will be attending the outings too so I’ll simply not speak to her. After the way she has treated me with so little remorse or guilt, she can go to hell and fuck herself. What V won’t know is, I’ll be secretly mentioning her suicidal shit at some stage because I won’t be helping her. I hope she’s kept alive so she can be bloody miserable until she’s ninety because she damn well deserves it. She’s a bloody horrible bitch! Her and J both need to stop being so fricken pathetic! The sooner both of them leave these units, the better. Nobody around here wants to go near J and V so why do they continue to live here? They do nothing but create drama and cause trouble.

I have my support worker picking me up tomorrow afternoon. A good break away from home. I want to go to the Sushi Train, then after that I have to go to the Queensland Blind Association to sort out my membership paperwork. Then I’ll be bringing home fish and chips for tea, possibly. I may change my mind. On second thoughts I’m better off ditching the take-out food altogether for a while. I have a tonne of vegies in the fridge so sausages may end up on the menu tomorrow night. I need to set some meals aside for the freezer anyway. Hmmmmm… Will have to set up some dinner plans tomorrow. I was going to have pizza for dinner tonight but I had a big meal earlier so maybe I’ll just hide away in my unit and just tell the neighbour that I needed to go to bed, when I wake up in the morning. I hate take-away food anyway. I like fish and chips and Chinese food but that’s about it. I’d much rather home-cooked food.

It’s now 8 o’clock tonight. I interrupted my blog this afternoon so I could organise an outing with a friend. I wanted to get us fish and chips but the cab driver found out that the shop was closed and reopens on Thursday. So I got us some cold meat and salad instead, came home and made sandwiches. Then I called up another mate, found out he’s off to a dinner outing so I’ll ring him again tomorrow night. So overall today went fine. Very hot but I stayed in the cool airconditioning at my unit and also the neighbour’s unit. I ate quite a lot of food today and drank gallons of water and orange juice because the weather makes me excessively thirsty, like sticky and dry mouth and eything. I drank a big lot of water this morning so when I got thirsty again by a bit after ten, I drank two big cups of orange juice. Tonight I piled on the water again so i’m all right now. I was going to go for a walk to the shops this afternoon but that never happened beecaus storm ethreatened to swoop but never came. So now I’m lying in bed ready to go to sleep. I’ll read for a while first of course.

31 December, 2017 13:15

December 31, 2017

Ok. I’m in a text message window to write my blog. I have figured out that if I press Spacebar with dots 4-5-6 on my BN, the cursor focus goes to the Return key and I can type a new line without having to use the Word Press app. When I’m in the app I can just press the two right-hand thumb keys to make a new line, but in a text message window, pressing these thumb keys together causes the message to send. I just find post text messages way easier to compose and post. I’m still keeping my blog app on the phone so I can read posts a lot better, easier than going into Safari to do so—but when it comes to writing a post, texting is magic. Then if I want to send it, I can press the two right-hand thumb keys and it will atomatically send the message as a blog post. Now withthe boring stuff out of the way, let’s delve in to today’s entry!

This morning I had a cup of coffee and some toast with melted cheese. Then I went to V’s place, which is only three mitres away if you take a shortcut. Trying to explain this to doctss who don’t live here let alone know what this place looks like is a different story. Suffice to say, I hope the events of October never repeat. Dehydration and Gingervitis and other little problems can certainly create hell for you. Anyway, I went to her place, had a very frank discussion about my friendship with her and J. Names are kept as initials for anonymity. she didn’t like what I had to say. I told her how she’s not a true friend to anybody because she uses people for what they can get, especially where money is concerned. Then I told V that I know that it’s true that her and J only like me to my face, but really they hate me. V couldn’t believe that I could bluntly say that both of them dislike me behind my back! I used the word “dislike”, in order not to sound so harsh by the way. Then I wanted to know what J was on about when he rang me last night and said in a very grumpy tone that he was organising a party outside V’s place tonight. V said she had no idea he had called, then admitted that he wouldn’t allow her to call me any more so she did what he instructed. I said well, since J doesn’t want V to be my friend any more, I’d go since that’s how he wants it. I said goodbye, so V said ok if I want to be like that—to which I quickly interrupted and said sternly that no, I didn’t want to be her friend because of not wanting to be her friend, it is because J doesn’t want me to be her friend. The fact that V admitted that J doesn’t want her to speak to me because he decided that I simply didn’t want to be their friends any more and she believed him, so severely offended me that I will no longer forgive her, or J for that matter. He deliberately lied to her to show disrespect towards me for keeping to myself for two days. When I told V that J makes up her life and decides what she will and won’t do, she called me a cow as I stormed out. V can get fucked and so can J because I thought I was helping them out, and all they ever did was disrespect and abuse me, and use my friendship with them. They obviously never meant to be my friends really. Next time J speaks to me, I won’t acknowledge him or give in when he puts on the crocodile tears and fake apologies. As for being booted out of here, V and J are none of my concern so where they end up in whatever state of mind is no skin off my nose. I have so much wrath against them now that any carry-on shit they create won’t even move me to any type of emotion or tears or anything. I find it peculiar how V asked me if I only like nice people in a terribly smug tone. Hmmmmm, no wonder only her mother and father tolerated her while everyone else avoided her like the frigging plague. Sorry to burst her bubble, but I won’t tolerate her either. I can’t see a fucking black sky let alone a star, yet I still understand how fucked up V is. I don’t have an issue with the fact that she struggles a lot, I struggle too—not that she could give a damn shit about that! It’s her fucken stupid self-entitled demanding bitch attitude that gets me. V complains about her sorry arse while conveniently dismissing her dirty rotten behaviour and attitude. She is just so bloody rude and disrespectful. I can’t stand the fucking bitch. She hates people for being stingy and this that and the other, but she’s no different. Typical fucking hypocrisy at it’s finest!

Wow! I’ve just figured out how to use the Rotor to edit my blog properly. It took a while, but I’ve finally worked out how to use the editing settings in the Rotor so I can keep track of where the cursor is on my BN without always having to use Voice-over. when it comes to finding extra spaces and blank lines, VO helps a lot. But other than that, I can edit documents very easily now. Anyway, back to where I left off: I left V’s place an hour or so ago, so God knows if I’ll ever have anything to do with J or V again. I really detest both of them and when they get kicked out I’ll be chucking a great big party! I’d prefer to keep to myself, and I don’t want to share food to the two feral bitches again. I know for a fact that the only reason V and J were my friends in the first place, is just so they could get something. They really didn’t give a shit about me. And because I took power away from them by keeping to myself for two days, V and J decided presumptiously that I’m not their friends. Well stuff them!!!!! so… what they mean is, I’m only a true friend if I hang around them so long as they don’t have to respect my space or my wishes. Well, I guess that pair aren’t my real friends, so today I have dumped them and will make new friends. This is my blog post for now, more later.

30 December, 2017 20:39

December 30, 2017

Well here I am today, quite a few months after writing my last post. many times of late, I considered that I may never write in here again. But every time such thoughts crossed my mind, I immediately interrupt myself abruptly, knowing that I didn’t create this blog back in 2009 for nothing! So here I am in my room using my Braille Note to write. My anneaiversary of moving here was a few days ago, December 15. I left on the train from Cairns on December 14th, 2016, and arrived to my new unit the next day, December 15. Although since then I’ve had a few problems and health scares, I won’t look back and I must say I’m very glad I’ve moved to thi’s complex. I dislike most of the people in this place, but it’s not new for me to hate the neighbours. I’ve made a few changes with my Centre Care g’roup excursion program, but other than thaeat, all is pretty muceah the same.

I’ve just downloaded the Word Press app onto my phone after accidentally sending the post too early, so let’s see how I go now. So life is pretty much the same as it was, but I feel a lot healthier today than I did three months ago. I had a few dentist appointments after suffering from dehydration back in October, had a few dramas with the dentist apts too. Even on valium I can’t handle the vibration of tools and the build-up of fluid in my mouth so I start spewing after a while. The good news is I’m getting better at handling the dentist each time, something I’d never achieve without valium. The dentist reckons that my mouth is very small so it’s hard for her to fix my teeth properly, and although I choke sometimes, spewing up is more than likely caused by my mouth already irritated by gum disease. That makes sense to me. I hardly spewed last week so that’s a plus. I thought the nerve-block that was injected into my mouth was a great help too, sometimes pain can trigger vomiting as well. So with almost all the pain taken away, I got my teeth cleaned and polished without too much of a problem. A slight gag here and there but that was nothing compared to my other two appointments!!!!!! I will keep taking the valium for each appointment. I have to get rid of all my wisdom teeth next year so when they’re out, there may be more room in my mouth to fix the rest of my teeth. I can’t have most pain medications so when I wake up from surgery I won’t know whether I’ll be sedated for a while, or if they can give me a few medications and then some anti-inflamatories, or whatever the case. Maybe I can get away with having a nerve blocker injected every day. I don’t know. There will be no pain relief at home though, unless you can count Panadol which stops fever and makes me a little tired and that’s it. I hope I don’t leave the hospital until I’m comfortable enough to eat properly. This can take between two days to a week or longer, but what counts is comfort at home. I can’t see any dramas happening, I’ll ask for sedatives if I do encounter difficulties because if I can stay carefree and happy while I feel sick, I cope a lot better even if reality is horrible.

I’ve got my health under control heaps better and my disgusting other health i’ssues have been resolved, and my mouth is a lot better too. I’ve been reading a hell of a lot lately so I’ve been keeping out of trouble lol! I’ve been getting very depressed the past three days because I haeave no idea how my mouth surgery will work out; basically I may be reasonably happy and cope well enough, or maybe it will 1ba horrible eexperience for me. Not knowing either way is the worst part, I’m just so glad I’ve got a massive book collection in my phone! iBooks is like the best book reading app ever! I can’t stop reading for the whole day once I start. I’ve taken a break so I can write my blog because it’d be a massive downer to neglect such an awesome blog after working on it for so long. Now my Braille Note has died so I’m typing on the phone. I just think translating print into Braille is so convenient! I guess I’ll have to plug my Braille Note in and read the display through a plastic bag over my hand so I don’t feel the pins jiggling with the electric current when I read. There we go! The plastic bag trick works. When I’ve finished writing my entry, I shall go back to iBooks for another two hours and sleep veeary well after that. For some reason, the pins are attracted to my fineagers but not the plastic. But when the BN isn’t plugged into electricity, I don’t have a problem with the pins jiggling when I brush my hands across them. At least I can still write normally. Besides all the bullshit that has happened this year, I’m still ok, and the year’s end could have been a lot worse.

A few dramas but doing mostly all right…

September 13, 2017

I finally have some spare time to write out a nice long blog. I nearly put off writing but I know I’d have never gotten around to it for sure, as usual. Yesterday and today went ok, today was a much better day than yesterday. Neighbour dramas, and pressing charges against someone I know, is all I can say about that. I’ve really had enough of the human race, save for the few good people who contribute to this world and society, so I’ve decided to put my foot down, dig my heels in, and say that’s it, enough is enough! People will no longer get away with walking all over me. I know I wrote such shit years ago; honestly though it’s gotten to the point where I’ve had to pull the finger out, and start fighting back for a change. No more ‘oh, well, bugger it. Someone else can deal with this. I hate fighting so let someone else pick up the pieces6’ No, not anymore. This is my life, I’m not letting anyone else ruin me. Yes I will protest, hide if I must, because I’m not interested in dramas. But I will fight back and say to hell with the troublemakers. The good news is I’ll be going back on Vision Australia outings now that I’m putting some things right. A bloody frigging shit-fight to boot, but I’m not prepared to tolerate any rubbish when I get involved with their excursions and other activities again. I’m sure the Centre Care people will be glad as well. What I can’t tolerate about some people is telling them to back off and trying to deal with the situation civilly, but said people seem to think I don’t mean what I’m saying, make up some excuse or lie to cover up their wrongdoing, and then act like nothing is wrong, all while sneakily creating trouble and hardship for me. What fucking low-life scum! You’d think that nicely saying, ‘hey that’s enough! Stop it6’ or some such thing would get the message across, but no you’ve kinda gotta threaten people and all sorts of dramatic crap to make said person wake up to reality. For God’s sake just be respectful and maybe you won’t get into hot water in the first place! Hello? How dumb can some people get? I’ve really had it really. I’m going to have as good a time as possible this week because next week is going to be a bumpy one. Having to relive some shit that I’ve avoided for the past five weeks because I’m hiding from someone, is really freaking me out. I’d much rather run away and forget about horrible people. But when I’m questioned by other people, at first I’m like no, just forget it, I’m avoiding situations where the people I don’t like are in, so I can avoid them so stuff it and move on. But… Nope, I was made to remember all the bullshit, and yeah it’s not nice when I have to say ‘yep I’m hiding because yeah, reality fucking sucks.’ I like to hide from reality so I don’t have to deal with it. This feels so much like a God-forsaken nightmare that I can’t wake up from. The moment when you wish that what happened is just a dream, only to realise that it’s not a dream, and hiding and pretending that everything is fine doesn’t last forever. You can tell someone, yeah I’m fine, just forget it, but then reality slap as you decide you’re better off ratting out your nemesis before your issues get worse, or before they hurt someone else. I can tell people how much I couldn’t care less and just move on, but that idea doesn’t work for long either. I really hate drama and I really hate low-life people who live a life of causing as much damage as they can without getting caught. I just can’t believe people like that exist. I am full of disbelief right now. But it doesn’t change reality and it doesn’t delete all the shit so yeah, sometimes life sucks.

So besides yesterday being dramatic, and today having to revisit some other issues which I now have to bring to light so that someone can’t make life miserable for anyone else as well, I’m not too bad. I had a coffee and some vanilla slice, talked to my support worker and walked through a shopping centre. I read for a while, had a good feed for lunch, and booked myself in for a Vision Australia meeting next Thursday. QLD Police will be giving a talk, so if there’s time to do so, I will be addressing some very very serious safety issues where blindness is concerned. I truthfully believe locking myself away is reasonable. The world isn’t safe, and to hell with anyone who carries on about letting people win by staying in hiding. They obviously have no idea what it’s like to be in danger. I have every right to defend myself, and if I want to keep away from the outside world, that’s my choice. I don’t think it’s wrong to hide. I think it’s fine and good to avoid every possible bad situation, but as for going on with the attitude that people are winning if they can control how you live? That’s a God damned cop out. Survival is more important than trying to act better-than and bigger-than. Self-defense is all about preserving yourself any way you can, and physically fighting back when all else fails. To me, life is all about winning against the odds and waking up each morning to hopefully another good day. On that note, I’ll be putting my feet up and calling it a day. Tomorrow is a new day, the Link Vision fashion show sounds exciting so I can’t wait to go! I’ll just forget about next week’s fucking dramas until next Monday. I’ll then write down a million notes and everything so I can turf the fricken dickhead who caused a lot of dramas this year.

9 September, 2017 19:51

September 9, 2017

Wow…… Just… Wow!!!!!!! I haven’t written in here for soooooooo long! I don’t know how much I can write in an entry tonight, but here goes: So a whole lot of stuff has happened. I decided to revisit my YouTube channel, and have got video uploading working to a T. So that problem is off my list. Secondly, I’ve been going out with Centre Care every week, besides issues with some people, the excursions and driving tours are just. So. Awesome! I absolutely love the trips. I’ll be continuing on with this program. As for going on excursions with Vision Australia, I won’t go with them anymore. Too many unresolved issues with some people, one of whom is a God damned creep and I have no idea why he can’t be booted out of Vision Australia altogether, but there you go. Until VA improves their system for dealing with creeps, I won’t go on their outings. At least Centre Care takes complaints very seriously. Besides that all is well there.

I’m still going well here. I’m growing to hate most of the neighbours, but I guess that’s just how it is. My support worker from VA has similar problems as me and is hoping I won’t try to take legal action at least at this stage. I will be talking to Centre Care on Monday though, There are some safety issues as a result of a person’s behaviour and it seriously needs to be addressed before someone gets hurt or whatever the case. I think Centre Care is lovely, and for someone to taint the company’s quality of care is attrocious. The support workers are so nice and one of the clients (people who’re elderly and/or have disabilities) is putting a lot of pressure on these particular support workers, who’re being forced to make once-in-a-while mistakes. It’s fucked up and I don’t want to hear of care workers getting into strife over a beligerent/disrespectful and unruly person. Bossing carers around to the point of taking over their tasks especially where driving is concerned, is not on and I will cut it short ASAP and swiftly. Said person also attempts to force me to do what they want me to do as well, and although their bossy ways aren’t physicaly harmful for me, the point is, X is very controlling and beligerent and I can’t stand them. A safety issue regarding our bus occured today due to X’s behaviour so I’m sorting this shit out before X does cause harm in some way. I know care workers legally have to keep clients happy and comfortable even if what people choose to do isn’t always agreeable, but when carers are put under so much pressure that X can get away with almost anything with lack of regard and respect for other people, and safety is eventually disregarded as well, ah, nope, cut it out. I told the support workers how I felt so they said they’d keep X under better control as well. Very good as far as I’m concerned!

I’ve just put some chicken strips in the oven. I’ll be eating while I read. The heater is on so I’m nice and warm. I’m amazed that it’s spring and yet the weather is still very wintery especially overnight! I hope I won’t have a massive power bill this month. Oh crap before I forget! Said person as discussed above, also medals in other people’s discussions, especially if it happens to be an argument, when X isn’t even involved in the situation! X compared me and my horrible neighbour who lives in this block of units with one another, when X doesn’t even know the circumstances! The II (intelectually impaired) bloke who lives nearby, he has no concept of the gravity of the circumstances, to him it’s just a fight. He lives independently when he should be living in a higher care facility, but that’s a different story. So, not only is this person getting the boot, II fellow will be getting put away if he doesn’t tow the line too. As for said Centre Care client, there’s going to be serious shit going down soon. But oh well, the chicken strips are baking away as I write, and I had to turn the heater off and open doors and windows to let the smoke out. so now all is well. When I turn the oven off, the heater will go back on. I don’t want my unit to get freezing cold and I also didn’t want the smoke alarm to go off. So far, so good at the moment, and the chicken strips are smelling delightful! I don’t know if eating chicken strips while using my Braille Note to read will be the brightest idea, but will see how it goes. Oops, phone battery is about to die so will stop writing for now and put my phone on charge. I will write another entry very soon.

Frustration with my blog

July 3, 2017

I haven’t written in here since February!!!!! Wow where has the time gone? I know a lot has happened since then, namely some health issues which thank God aren’t permanent and I’ve fully recovered from them! I’m ecstatic about that!!!!!! I still cough a lot but haven’t developed breathing problems and I haven’t gotten worse so all good there too. I’m trying to find out how to put voice memos from my iPhone into my blog but apparently that won’t work, which really sucks. I like writing but sometimes I like to do audio recordings for the world to hear as well. I also don’t wanna pay hundreds of dollars a year just to keep a blog, and having to move my site to a domain would waste my time too because I still can’t put voice memos into my posts. So either way, I’m stuffed!

I’ve been reviewing my disability services so I can get my private cleaning agencies off my back. I’ve had the worst time of my life with finances this year! So I’ve cancelled the cleaners a few days ago and will have them spring-clean the place once a year. I’m hoping I can get disability agencies on board ASAP so I can save a tomne of money. I also have to stop going out with friends all the time, it’s perfectly okay for them to expect me to hang out with them but they forget or don’t care, that sometimes this is to my expense. If my friends care about me so much they’d actually help me a bit more by not expecting me to have to go out with them all the time! They are really quick to say ‘hey let’s go out for tea!’ While forgetting that I might not actually be able to afford to go out for tea tonight. And if I say, ‘no thanks, I might just stay home if that’s alright?, the two people I always hang out with, get all sad because they miss my company. Well sometimes they need to respect the fact that I don’t always want to go out whenever they want to go out, and if these people seriously want me to hang out with them, maybe they should just pay for my outing sometimes since I can’t always pay my way and if I could do so, I would. The fellow with intellectual issues, he doesn’t understand that he can’t always pay for me when I go out, but protests anyway if I choose to stay home. His totally blind girlfriend loves my company too. Sometimes I just like to stay home and at other times I just can’t afford to go out. This week I’ll be going to a strawberry farm with Vision Australia and also a really nice Mexican restaurant. Other than that I can only afford to buy groceries. The night outings with Vision Australia are once a month and Friday outings are each week during the day and sometimes at night. They’re awesome! And when another disability agency takes me on, I’ll be doing more of their group outings and hopefully I should get back to normal with how I live my life.

6 February, 2017 14:03

February 6, 2017

I had a boring day today. It was a good break after yesterday. Two friends stayed over on Friday night and all of yesterday. They left in the afternoon and I cleaned up the house and relaxed. I spoke to another friend, then me and Tori spoke on the phone for ages. I started to fall asleep, so I hung up the phone and slept for the night. I woke up this morning, laid around for an hour, got out of bed, and enjoyed a good feed of Special K Advantage and a cuppa coffee, while doing an Audioboom recording. I did a few recordings, and tried to do a recording of me cooking dinner tonight when Tori rang me. So she’s doing a blog, now I’ve decided to do a post because I haven’t done one for a few days.

Tonight’s dinner was perfect! Sausages with vegetables in cheese sauce, with pasta shells. I really loved it – had two servings. Yummmmmmmm!!!!!!!! Who says you don’t get excitable when eating a feed! Eating can actually be a fun thing to do. I put a container of it in the freezer and another container in the fridge for tomorrow. I have almost a dozen other meals in my freezer that I can divide into smaller portions and have boiled vegies with those. Wow I’ll survive every day for sure! Then I can prepare a shopping trolley for Woolworths Online next Tuesday. I love the online store. I won’t shop with Coles again until they clean up their act.

It’s now 1:30 in the afternoon. I couldn’t finish my blog post last night. I can’t talk and write at the same time. I woke up, had breaky and drank nearly two gallons of water and now I’m sitting on a comfortable couch which my friend brought in this morning. I really love it! It’s a three-seater. I’ve put it where it is and now it’s staying put for now. I did two Audioboom posts today. When I recharge my phone next week, I’ll upload the posts in the app and then I’ll upload my Voice Memo app posts whenever I can get to a Wi-fi zone. I checked the mail today, I got one piece of paper but it wasn’t in an envelope so I’ll read it soon. It’ll take half an hour for me to read the mail I’ve got there. Next week I have to go to the shops and take money out and come home for the cleaners. I love the cleaning service I’ve got currently. When the NDIS rolls out, I’ll be putting them on my funding care plan. I think it’s a load of shit that the TSS card for taxis is going out of circulation, it’s fucked actually. When the NDIS comes around, people will be forced to get funding rather than be given a choice. We’re becoming more Americanised every year and I hate that with a passion. Whatever funding is left over each year isn’t given to us. In other words we’ll be paying for our services with Government funding but we’ll be using our pension money to pay for everything else. In some ways I can see why the Government won’t let us use any of the funding for any other purpose, but in other ways I think they’re ripping us off. The other thing I’m struggling with is, how much do I over-estimate my funding? Like I could ask for too much funding and then I’ll take the next two years trying to decide just how much funding I’ll need. So if I’m given let’s say, $20000 for twelve months, but I only use $10000 of that funding, at the end of 12 months, I’ll have to pay the Government $10000 and change my care plan. My personal opinion is that they should allow people with disabilities to keep left-over funding for themselves every three years, so long as it’s proven that they won’t spend that money on drugs and alcohol and cigarrettes, and that they’re not just stealing it. Or if people can prove that they need the left over funding for a legit reason, then every twelve months, they should have to prove why they need to keep that funding and if they can’t provide a good enough excuse, then fair enough pay it back as required. That’s my view on it. I’ve heard that the NDIS isn’t working in other parts of Australia, so I don’t know what’s with that. Either people aren’t applying for it or maybe people are asking for not enough, or too much funding. Who knows? But when the NDIS rolls out next year, I hope it’s worth all the hassle.

28 January, 2017 12:16

January 28, 2017

I’m sitting outside with a cup of coffee. I had coco pops for breakfast, then I finished my online shopping order. I have to pay for it on Tuesday morning because Woolworths is different from Coles in that you have to pay for your shopping straight away, then Paypal refunds you if you don’t receive all your order. I think that’s awesome. When I used to pay by credit card, I had to ring Wooleys to get the refund. Now Paypal does that for me. Ând I get a clear notifications from them that I will be getting a refund of whatever price, or that I haven’t got enough money to pay Wooleys. Yeah, I wish I’d set myself up with Paypal years ago! At least I don’t get ripped of now yea! So long as I get my shopping by Wednesday afternoon it won’t matter. I’m quite happy with Woolworths online at the moment. I’ve worked out the layout of their site and I actually find it way better than the Coles site. I don’t know what the Wooleys site is like on the laptop, I’ll check it out when I’ve got a new Internet connection. But for now I’m using the phone for everything and not doing too badly. I think it’s cheaper to get Coles deliveries, but Coles has really shit stuff at the moment. Woolworths is where the market is now so I’m going with them. It’s good too because now I can take care of my own needs and I can help other people in need too. I’m not gonna leave my friends stranded just because I’m doing fine and they’re struggling. I think it’s the most selfish way in the world to live. If I’m not struggling so much, why the fuck can’t I help people sometimes? It’s not as if I’m going without, and if I was struggling, I’d just tell the person that I’m sorry I don’t have said items at the moment and all that. So now that I know I have struggling neighbours, I’ll just continue as I do, but will get more stuff to suit my own needs first, but I’ll always be able to help my neighbours. I’m sure they feel mean for asking for help, but I’d be really upset if they didn’t ask and they went hungry or suffered in some other way. I don’t have a problem with admitting that I can’t help someone, but if I know I can help them but choose not too,, I’d feel like absolute shit. I can’t not help someone when they ask. I don’t care what anyone says, if the person asking for help is in a bad situation, well I’m not going to watch them collapse for my own gain. Get stuffed, I don’t treat people like that. It’s like, my friend is having a really shit time at the moment and can barely survive yet she feels bad about borrowing stuff from me because I’m running out of stuff yet I’ll be getting more groceries next Wednesday yet my friend may need assistance next week again. It’s very sad but it’s how it is. I’m not overloading my friend with things that she doesn’t need, or giving her way too much of what she does need, and all that stupid shit.

I read last night’s blog and it seriously didn’t make a whole lot of sense near the end of it. I was so tired when I wrote it. Basically, I was talking about how impatient I was about getting my dinner ready the other night when I burnt the saucepan lid. And I was also referring to how people use the stovetop to cook food without saucepan lids on and all that. It’s how people are. I can’t stand turning the hotplate all the way up and letting steam go all the way to the ceiling and fucking up my nice clean unit. And I’m fussy about my and boiled vegies. I’d rather turn the hotplate down and let the vegies simmer slowly with the lid on than stand in the kitchen at the stove for 20-30 minutes, saucepan with lid off bubbling away, and sending steam and soot all through my kitchen. Saucepans come with lids, use the bastards. Anyway, there’s always something I don’t like about all of my friends. I still like my friends and I still help them like they help me. As for steaming vegies without a lid on, yeah right! That’s just a waste of electricity and all the heat will go through my place, and the vegies won’t cook the way I like them. And rice: I’m so damn fussy that I’ll only eat rice steamed in a rice cooker. I won’t boil it. Someone else can do that for me. I love making a big batch of rice, then filling up little containers with it, and freezing it. No wastage at all and I can cook rice any time I like as well, knowing that I’ll hardly ever run out of rice and I’ll never throw any of it away. And I can take the rice with me whenever I go out and microwave it for two minutes. Anything to save money lol. And if my friends go hungry they can borrow food and I’ll never go without. I may live how I want and do shopping to suit my lifestyle, but I won’t watch people starve to death. I just had a quick loo break and got another cup of water. That’s the beauty about putting two lime wedges in the big cup, I can refill the cup heaps of times and really enjoy the flavour of the water. It definitely works for me! I’m getting four limes with my next shopping order, and I’ll be buying lemons next time. That way I dont think of the water intake, I’m just thinking of how refreshing it is to swallow a lime flavoured drink all the time. It’s better than suffering from dehydration because I hate plain water. So long as it works that’s all that matters. Like the saying goes: if it ain’t broken, don’t fix it! I’m doing all right in myself, so I won’t complain.

27 January, 2017 22:13

January 27, 2017

I’m in my room. I’m writing as I speak to Tori on hangouts. I have to admit that as much as I hate moving and it’s a struggle and all that, it had to be done. It has been eight weeks since I moved and I still don’t have rent assistance. The office staff are too frigging lazy to help me, they won’t print the form off for me, that’s Centrelink’s job apparently. Lazy fucken bastards!!!!! Anyway, it’s working out slowly. Brisbane has bloody slow workers and everything drags along here. It’s bloody shockin’! Hopefully next week I get the frigging thing. Centrelink online is useless, you can do everything as far as reading and receiving information goes, but unless you have a printer, you’re stuffed. You may as well get rid of the Centrelink account and just ring the mongrels. An online account does have its place, but it doesn’t prevent any of the hassles with Centrelink. Anyone that reckons that having a Centrelink online account makes life easier is delusional. At least I can ring Centrelink and let them know what’s going on and ask them for help. Why does it have to take for fucking ever just to receive a God damn form? I should have been receiving rent assistance money weeks ago. Hopefully I can sort this crap out next week. I can at least relax over the weekend. I won’t do anything on Monday, then Tuesday is all systems go. I have to go to the shops, come home, wait for some cleaners to clean my unit, then if I don’t have the rent form, I’ll be cabbing it to Centrelink. Then on Wednesday the form will be getting filled out at the Link Vision office. I’m hoping the form can be faxed through. I want the bloody flaming money sooner than later. So let’s hope my plans actually work out for heaven’s sake. I have to ring iPrimus as well, to pay that fucker of a cancelation fee. I want to get rid of them. Then I’m saving up to get a new Internet connection. I really want Wi-fi!

This weekend is going to be boring. I may run to the survo for a packet of chips, I have no idea yet. Other than that I’ll be hanging around home and sitting downstairs in the communal area. I’ll be setting up my talking scanner too. I want to read the mail and i hope to God there’s nothing from L J Hooker. I’ve had enough of the shit from Cairns, not living there anymore so I don’t want to hear any of it. I don’t give a crap about the bond money. I don’t want it, I don’t need it. I’m not planning on renting in Cairns again any time soon. So bugger them. Besides that I’m planning on having a great weekend. There’s always people to talk to, and sometimes I go out, but not often. I can’t wait to get a lot more O and M training. I also need to find a good support worker. Hopefully by the end of the year I should have some semblence of an organised set-up for my life. I want to go to Cairns at the end of the year but I have to save money and everything. I’m wondering if maybe I could go to Cairns for a week during the year and see people there, and visit Troy. Then I can just come back to Brisbane knowing that I had a good little holiday. I’ll see what happens. I miss Troy to death! I feel like it has been forever since I said goodbye to my cute puppy dog, and saying hi to a guy and his guide dog the other day made me feel a gazillion times worse about missing Troy. Of course with grief comes accidents… As I nearly wrecked my unit when I left a saucepan lid on the stove while I was cooking dinner and didn’t realise that that particular hotplate was on, so I burnt the plastic bit of the lid and it exploded causing a cloud of smoke to engulf me. I ran outside and nearly passed out while I screamed at the neighbours because I thought the unit was about to burn down. I was scared shitless. Luckily ash and soot didn’t rise from the stove. And my large frying pan was on the low setting so the food didn’t stuff up or burn. So by the time I was ready to collapse and die for the night, I got to eat a really nice spag bog with my friend. I didn’t like having to wait around from 4:30 to 6:00 pm just to sort out a stupid bloody fucken feed, but when you’re getting assistance from friends, you’ve got to accept their schedule and make compromises with people. Oh well, you get idiots and crazies wherever you live I suppose.

28 December, 2016 14:38

December 28, 2016

At this time tomorrow I’ll be on the train. I really can’t wait till then, I’m so extremely excited and impatient today! I hate living here, Cairns is fantastic but I hardly ever see the family and my controlling grandparents aren’t pleasant to hang around. They’ve done a lot of good things for the family, but the other side of the coin is, they’ve also been very hurtful and manipulative. Stupid bloody bastards! So yeah, they’re not part of my life anymore. If they harrass me over the phone I’m gonna tell them to quit it and hang up. They expect favours from the whole world after they treat everyone like shit. So tomorrow I’m out and severing ties. And once a year or two I’ll come back to Cairns to visit my other family members.

Another boring day for me today. I’ve done not one healthy activity for the past three weeks. Neglect and abuse right there. The only difference is that some people take their victims into the forest and allow them to die slowly. My grandparents are feeding me enough to survive, but every other aspect of my life is neglected. They don’t care about my welfare, it wouldn’t bother them if I never moved. Their concern about me is that I’m blind and my death will just be a simple thing. Everybody dies. So dying early is just the disabled thing to do, because blind people fit into the disability basket, according to them. But I won’t die early. And my neglect is only short-term. Sitting around like a statue for three weeks isn’t quite so bad, and eating little morsels with the occasional big feed won’t technically harm me badly. But living like the way I have been, for a really long time, is cruelty. I’ll get back to normal pretty fast, I haven’t lived here long enough to cause a lot of damage. I won’t need permission to stay alive, eat drink breathe be a grown woman etc. When thea grandparents see me off, I’m not returning any favours or owing them anything. They certainly haven’t done me any special favours. Moving isn’t a favour. Everybody moves out at some point. If they’re not helping me, they’re controlling and bullying. They can never be happy or appreciative of the fact that I’m moving to a better part of town and they’re not happy people full-stop. So I won’t help them in return for their fucking bullshit ungrateful attitude. I only respect people who respect me.

In Brisbane I’m gonna set up my unit as quick as I can, then I’ll write up a list of Christmas goodies to make next week. I’ll be organising a gathering of friends and making a feast for them. Then I’ll be enrolling myself into some blind sports elubs. I’ll make my choices when I get there, I know I want to play Swish, it’s the modified version of table tennis. I’ll do some demos on Audioboom. As for other games, I have no idea what I’ll go after yet.

I’m back at this blog. I had coffee and chocolate cake, then listened to my tyrant of a grandfather talking absolute shit for an hour. Typical anti-semitic who needs poisoning as far as I’m concerned. But anyway… That’s him. I don’t care if I never see the stinkin’ douchbag again. I’m basically keeping a low profile as much as I can. Obviously I need to sit at the dinner table sometimes, but geeze! Living with two communist wannabes isn’t my thing I must say. I guess I’m too friggen democratic for my own good lol. I don’t agree with just doing as you want in a horrible selfish manner. You can’t go from one extreme to the other. But when it comes to living, well Jesus! You can’t live like a robot can you? Anyway, I’ll be outa dodge tomorra! I’ll let my grandparents know that I’ve got my stuff posted to me. After that they’re bust as far as I’m concerned. That’s it about them. I’m planning on having a great time, anything bad can happen anywhere so I’ll just keep my wits about me but hopefully all will be well. What I will do tomorrow is, eat the train out of house and home. I’ll eat some of my biscuits and all of my malteesers, then I’ll go after all the food in the deli car. It’s highly likely that the staff might try to convince me not to over-buy the food in case of wastage, but I’ll try to get menu choices which I know I’ll eat a tonne of without a problem. Anyway we’ll see how it goes, I’m gonna turn my trip into a minature holiday and a bloody feast. Anyone would think that I’m going to the moon or something! But oh well, good times ahead for me.

It’s a bit over a week now since I moved. I left Cairns on the 14th of December and got into Brisbane on the 15th. Then the old bloke who greeted me, he was so trashy, totally changed from the trustworthy person he used to be. After he left for the evening after helping me take my luggage to my unit, I decided to cut him out of my life. His shameful behaviour made me feel that he doesn’t deserve my time let alone a breath of fresh air. So fucking sad really! Oh well, I’ve made other friends since moving in here. Tomorrow I have to ring Coles Customer Care so they can fix my shopping delivery address, that’s my only issue here. Besides that, I feel great about moving here. The other units that Chass and Hailey live in are nice too, they’re just not as done up as these ones. As much as Public Housing allows pet ownership, I’d personally rather live in a very well-kept unit with only a service animal and no pets. I do love animals but I also love a good home. And the rent is subsidised here, so it’s a lot cheaper than Public Housing units yet the units here are better quality! I have to finish writing now, the phone is really hot.

5 December, 2016 13:42

December 5, 2016

I’m sitting outside after eating lunch and I’m feeling not too bad. Naproxin and Panadol are taking care of the period, so besides eating until almost busting an feelimg the typical menstrual crap and the medication kicking in to make it all better, I’m all right. I’m starting to feel my stomach settle nicely now. So that’s good, I must be doing something right! I hate pain, and menstruation is no exception. But once that shit is taken care of, I can consider my problems done and dusted. Now I just have to think of Brisbane, how the train trip will be, what I’ll do when I get there, all the shit I’ll have to organise on the 15th of December when I first arrive in Brisbane, etc. I’m gonna have a loooooooong two days I can tell you! But at least this is the least of my worries. My biggest worry is being able to keep a low profile while I’m at Nan and Pop’s until I leave. I’m gonna pass out asleep when I get on that train lol! I’m emotionally exhausted. I want to leave already, but I don’t want to spend all my money on accomodation because I need it in Brisbane. A removal van would have gone to the unit by now had Nan and Pop not helped me. But he doesn’t consider that. He’s a fucking one-sided pig is what he is. But anyway, there’s no skin off my nose. He has his problems too. Mum’s a douch bag too. She has the hide to abuse me but she so-called never abuses anyone. What a piece of crap! She makes me friggen sick. But forget about her, she’s not here and she’s not moving out with me.

The weather is fine today. A bit hot but not too bad. It’s nice and breezy. I guess I haven’t got a single thing to worry about. I’m comfortable, full of good food, pain is taken care of really good now, and I can think abou what I need to do for the rest of this week. Not much I’d imagine, nothing ever happens around here. They’re too busy telling me wha and how to think to do anything else. When I’m not here, they sit around doing nothing. Oh well, I’m going to change that when I get to Brissy. A new start in my life! And as much as I love to do audio recordings, I like to write as well. Time just isn’t going quick enough. I want to hurry up and leave. Mum on the one hand, wants to help me, on the other hand she creates a lot of dramas. I’m sick of it. So long as I don’t have to speak to her, it’ll be sweet. She drives me mad. Nan is trying to get her on side as though I’m wrong for moving. Well up all of their noses. I don’t care. I’m not interested in what makes everyone else happy. I want to make my own life happy. I have to learn what it’s like moving, I have to learn what it’s like to sort out a new unit and everything. If I don’t like the experience, then fine!!!! Ok then, let’s see how it goes. But what if I love the moving experience? What if I cope just fine? Anyway, let them work out their own shit and I’ll do what I want to do. Mum and my grandparents can think what they bloody well like. Anyway, I’m all right. Life isn’t too bad.

Ready to get out of dodge

December 3, 2016

I’m at my grandparents’ place. Have been here for nearly three weeks. When I leave here on the 14th of December, I will have been here for five weeks. Five weeks too long! I hate it here. Very grateful for their assistance and accomodation, but their lifestyle of my-way-or-nothing-at-all, really bothers me. I can’t wait to leave! As for my poor little gorgeous canary, I won’t write about Whisky. Far too sad. Alive on Friday three weeks ago, dead the next day! That is all. I have to tell the pet shop lady next week, just to be fair. Then counting down to the departure date, although I started my countdown a few days ago when I booked the ticket. I was gonna leave writing blogs till I got to Brisbane, but you know what? I figure that it’s going to be a while before I leave this place so I may as well write to pass the time. I read for nearly forty minutes before coming outside.

I had a garage sale today but not a huge amount of stuff was sold and I made a quarter of the money I expected to make. Oh well… I sorted the stuff out for the unit a few days ago so I’m not too worried about the money at the moment. It’s just one of those things. I’ll have enough money for the first two weeks in Brisbane so all good as far as I’m concerned. Nan and Pop are concerned but when are they not concerned? So the quicker the time flies, the better. It is boring, motonous, and very stupid living here. Fanastic assistance, but a hotel would be better for me if only I’d had the money to stay in one. I don’t really care what anybody says about what I think and feel. This is why I hate involving some people in my life, they’re too busy throwing accusations at me because they can. Anyway, next time which I hope will be a longer stretch than five years let alone two, will be different. I’m living my life and that’s it. How I organise it is my choice. Too bad so sad for the family.

Nearly ready to vacate

November 26, 2016

I’m having a relaxing day today. Chicken and sallad on toast for breakfast, a cup of coffee, water, and soft drink to boot! I re-homed my canary yesterday. He is with my support worker. He is happy. Troy is doing fantastic with his new owners. He’s having the time of his life. And since it’ll be nearly a month before I move to Brisbane, I figured I’d write today. I can text blog posts, so I may as well do so now, it’s easier than going to the website and publishing posts that way. I’ve got my stuff ready to go. It’s not all tightly packed away yet because I still need to function till I get out of here. But instead of taking three days to pack up, it’ll only take me two or three hours to secure everything and take it away from this property. What I can’t take with me, is being sold or binned. All I have to do is post my paperwork and I’ll be set to go. This week I’ll be focused on gathering all my possessions together so it won’t be difficult to ditch/sell them at a moment’s
notice. Then I just have to take my swag and nick off. It’s that simple. The hard part will be hanging around until the real estate says I’m free to go. The day I leave this place will be the day I can think of how to rebuild my life how I want when I’m dowm south. I’ll write more soon.

19 November, 2016 12:15

November 19, 2016

Dear Troy,

Your period of time with me: 15 October 2007-20 November 2016
You’ve been the best guide dog ever.. You’ve stayed with me for as long as you can. You lived out nine months of your retirement from guiding duty as of February the 11th, 2016 and you handled your retirement so well that I was actually happy for you to retire. But due to the fact that I’m moving and I don’t want to put you through the stress of moving again and you’re getting older now, you’re going to be looked after by some very loving people tomorrow. You’ll continue to live the high life and steal everybody’s hearts. At least I’ll get to hear about you from time to time, same with the canary when he gets re-homed to another lovely familiar person too. I’ll never forget about you and hopefully you’ll spend the next few years living in luxury. Life just isn’t the same anymore. I may not like cleaning up mess whenever I take you outside, but looking after you and feeding you and cleaning up after you is the least of my worries at the end of the day. You’re the life of the party and you were always in high spirits and happy all the time, you treated every day like a new day, you lived like there was no tomorrow. I couldn’t let you go when you retired, but now I’m left with no choice. You’re one of a kind and even if I did get a new guide dog, no dog in the world would replace you. So I’ll say my final goodbye knowing that you’ll be in a good home soon, I’ll probably never get to see you again but I’ll be thinking of you and finding out how you’re doing and what you’re up to. Good luck and farewell! It was lovely knowing you.

Moving

November 18, 2016

It’s me again. Troy has written his bit, so now it’s my turn. I’m leaving for Brisbane soon. Cairns is a great place in a lot of ways, but on the other hand it’s a real shit-hole now. I’m going to try to move into Link Vision. But if that doesn’t work out, I’ll try to find pet-friendly places there. I won’t be coming back to Cairns when I leave. I don’t want to speak to my family either. If anyone says anything, I’ll just say that it’s better for me to move to Brisbane. That will be it from me. I won’t indulge in arguments or anything. I’m going, and that’s that. I don’t have much of an inheritance, and I don’t want anything for the family. The best way to make me hate my family is for some of the family members to continually abuse me and have big arguments with me while others make sure I’m forced out of house and home. There’s no skin off my nose. I won’t be there for these family members when they need help. And they forget, I won’t be homeless for too long, not long enough to call myself homeless anyway. Goodbye Cairns. And fuck you family. I miss my friends here. But they were only there for themselves too. Save for two people who were really there for me. And some other people from another pet shop who helped me with keeping the dog and the bird well cared for. Over and out, and my next written blog will come to you live from Brisbane. Audio posts will come from Audioboom until then, but I won’t write till I’m in Brisbane, or if I get time, I can write on the train. Anyway, peace out till then.

Troy’s last blog

November 18, 2016

Well, hi guys! Troy here again. I have some horrible terrible news. Something isn’t right with Mum. She is leaving. She knows why but I think she’s leaving for no reason. How can you be forced to leave home? But Mum isn’t allowed to take me to her new home. Ah, that is if they’ll allow her to live there. I like that favourite pet shop lady of mine. She knows how to re-home perfect cuddly dogs. I want to know when I’m leaving. But Mum isn’t disclosing any info. Too sad for her to do so. Apparently I’m just going on a big holiday, but secretly I know the real reason I’m going on a holiday. Mum wants to keep me but I’m not allowed to stay with her. Don’t tell her I said that!!!! So…………. On that note, goodbye guys. Oh, and animals too! Oh I won’t be seeing Whisky anymore. Isn’t he that cute little canary? He’s going to Mum’s support worker. He knows her. It was lovely getting to know you all. Hopefully I can live my life in my new home the same way I do now. Sleep, eat, run around, play….. Eat….. And…… Sleep! If there’s dogs and kids, even better for me. Mum will never like it when I leave, but I really have to go. I’m going to hate it actually, when I realise I can’t see Mum anymore, even though I’ll love where I’m going to live.

Some things I couldn’t write about until now

September 27, 2016

Well people, it’s another day. Time is flying by. And life is pretty boring. I’ve been told that it’s good that I live boring, but the point most people miss is that they wouldn’t think so if they were the ones sitting around all the time. I’ve noticed with all of us at different times, that we would want so-and-so’s lifestyle, until it’s us living that lifestyle, that is. I kept thinking of this because of how many people of late have made such remarks to me. If only they knew! Which leads me to my really gory rant with a lot of venting, about the way some people consider that maybe blindness has something to do with sitting around and doing nothing all the time, since according to said persons’ perceptions, blindness and a boring, listliss life, go hand in hand. Ah, hearing that makes me so depressed and ashamed to be a part of society, yet I know I shouldn’t let someone else’s opinions and perceptions about me, affect who I am and what I want to be. I’m not living anybody else’s life, and yet some days I find myself letting other people’s aspirations affect me. It’s like I need to be someone I’m not, but I know I should just be myself, regardless of what people think of me. The same goes for getting approval from people. They aren’t living my life, so why should I live the way other people approve of, instead of living the way I want to? I get so depressed at myself over this, yet I still realise that I am still living my own life, I’m just terrified that maybe I’ll allow someone else to control my life so I hold even tighter to my own lifestyle choices, just to make sure I’m the only one in control of my life. With that said, I no longer want to be a valuable member of society nor be part of it, because blind people as far as I know from experience, aren’t accepted as part of the community.

What I really hate is, people whom I know, and not all of them, one minute will tell me that I have a lot to offer to people around me, but in the next breath they’re reinforcing the idea that blind people aren’t a valued part of the community, by naming all the things I could do but cannot do. So the reason blind people aren’t accepted in the community is because many people don’t want to help them. So why should I then put effort or any committment into accepting help I won’t receive, or helping society when they don’t care anyway? I guess this is my point of this whole thing. From what I’m discovering, the US values blind people a lot more. I may be wrong, but that’s the impression I’m getting. In any case, there’s not much I can do because I’m not in America. But what I can do is write about how I honestly feel. I think it’s all fucked up.

If there’s one thing that keeps me sane as a loner and outcast, is Troy. Right now he’s the only best friend I have in my life. The friends on Roger can come and go, not that everyone will, and something can happen to Roger. But Troy won’t suddenly leave, unless of course he gets euthanised. Until then, Troy will be a constant companion in my life. What will become of me after Troy finally dies? God only knows to be honest! You see, right now I feel like I have to be there for Troy because he needs me. When he’s gone, all accountability will be gone and I will be the only person I can consider and care for, so what I choose to do with my life will only affect me. So it won’t really matter what choices I make will it? Right now I’ve got all these restrictions on me, I can’t stay out all night, I have to get out of bed to take Troy for a walk, take him into the yard, etc. When Troy goes, believe me, I won’t feel better or ok about it, but I’ll definitely feel free to live how I choose because he will no longer be affected by my lifestyle choices. I think that Troy is really awesome, he always gives me a reason to get out of bed every day. Right now me and Troy are shut up in the house, in my room. There’s a big blue going on outside and I’m scared of it. I don’t want to have to call the cops. So right now I’m hiding and will call the cops if any real shit goes down that may affect me. But if the dramas don’t come to my particular unit, then what other people do is their choice. Too many people are doing the Hunger Games thing, whoever kills or maims first gets the village. And frankly it’s all bullshit. Communication is at an all-time low and I’d rather hide from everyone for mine and Troy’s safety. At least Troy can tell before I ever can, that trouble is coming, so I can quickly do what’s necessary to avoid the crap. He has never purposefully allowed me to get into any trouble, and for that I want to purposefully support and help my dog to live the rest of his life until his last breath. I guess the pack mentality still does increase one’s odds of survival, even though the reasons for not surviving may not be the same reasons such as animals running and chasing you down. These days, it’s people doing the hunting down of other people, and apparently Troy has proven to me that the instinct of dogs really does keep themselves and their human counterparts alive! I guess the saying: ‘The dog is man’s best friend’, stands the test of time.

I’ve decided to eat out later. I don’t know what the cheapest meal option will be, but I need to find something. Maybe I could order pizza, but even that’s fucking expensive. I don’t want to stay home, but at the same time, I don’t want to come out of hiding yet either. As much as I love fast food, I really need to think of the money and all that too. Oh well, too bad I suppose. If the stinkin’ cops come knocking because some person thinks I’ve gone missing or I may be dead, when in fact I’m hidden away, I guess I can explain myself when the time comes, can’t I? I guess in this day and age, people can never be too careful. I’ve just made sure my online shopping delivery is arriving today. So I’ll put my groceries away tonight after the guy leaves, and then I’ll make camomile and honey tea. Then I’m putting my phone into flight mode and crashing. Forget the alarm clock, I never hear it anyway. And forget O and M training, my life is too drained and far too shot for any such ambitious efforts. I’m now on the quality of life over quantity of life road, and all I want to do is make myself as comfortable as possible with no regard to my future. I don’t have any ambitions in my life, I’m just going with the old be merry and drink today, for tomorrow we die, kind of motto. There’s no purpose to life. We eat, drink, have a great time, do jobs if we want, but then we die and that’s the end of us. We can try to create some sort of purpose, but what will come of it when we eventually pass on and everything goes on as usual. Sometimes legacies are continued, like the example of Tim Cook taking over Apple after Steve Jobs died. And that’s fantastic. But as for me, my life is a dream that will come and go, with only a few people to tell stories of what they remember about me. And I guess at the end of the day, having a few people who remember you is what truly counts. But my actual point is, my life has no purpose that will be continued when I die one day. So I see no point in making a future for myself when it will all come to nothing anyway. That’s my own life, how it is. I can’t say this for everybody. I still don’t believe life has purpose to it. But for what I’ve made of my life, I have nothing to show for me ever having a life, except for this blog perhaps. And maybe my Twitter account, and somewhat, my Facebook page. But still, people won’t see the real me, only the person they see in writing.

If there is one thing I’ve taken seriously for a long time and will definitely take it to the grave, it’s that you can always stick up for yourself when nobody else will. It amazes me how far you can get in life when you support yourself while other people are not supporting you. I do have a few supporters in my life and I’m grateful for that. One or two supporters is better tan a million non-supporters. I think if you’re going to live an aimless life, at least live it up and have a good time while you’re at it, and maoe sure you’ve got a couple of friends who can support you with your agenda. Now I don’t expect anyone to agree with my agenda for my life. But what I do expect from people is that they respect that I’ve chosen my path in life and also to appreciate that I’m at least trying to have fun. I’m pretty much of the belief that you can do whatever you like if you’re not hurting me in the process. Basically, do what you want but if you’re in front of me, please be considerate of me when making a lifestyle choice. And that goes for me too, when I’m in front of others. For example, I have certain eating habits which nobody ever sees, the same goes with other habits. The only thing you won’t ever catch me doing is smoking or drinking a lot, because for one I can’t ever agree with smoking, and I rarely drink. But when I do make lifestyle choices, I make sure I’m only affecting my own life, as much as feasibly possible because there’s always someone who finds about stuff that you get up to. But at least you want to try to not affect other people negatively on purpose. So I just follow my own agenda and try to not live my life at the expense of others. I’m really not here for anyone else to start with, I mean, I can make friends and all, but I’m living for myself and that’s probably the only purpose I see in being alive. I’m here to be myself live how I want to live, and be who I want to be. I strongly feel that life is about what you make of it, not what someone else wants to make of it. Anyway, enough said I think. I really need to go out. I need to do something to satisfy my time spent on this earth at least for today. Fridays are the only day of the week I look forward to, because my support worker always brings purpose into my life. I guess she’s one of the few people on my list who I can’t let down by creating dramas when she’s not here. So I keep to myself as much as possible and try not to cause trouble with people I don’t like. I actually find it so much easier to get along with most people. As for the people I really detest, well forget them. They aren’t on my radar. As for the rest of them, I’d rather try not to fight with them whenever possible.

My thoughts about discrimination against people with disabilities, especially in the workforce. And lots of other things!

September 18, 2016

I haven’t done a whole lot today. I just sat around talking on Roger, then I got a fish burger and chips. Now I’m chilling out while I write this. Yesterday’s blog was terible, there was so many typos! Hopefully today will be better. I think I’ll just fix the post up later, some of the words don’t even make sense. Anyway, I’ve been thinking about a whole lot of things lately. So I haven’t done much, but I have thought of a lot of stuff! One thing that comes to mind is the workforce and how discriminatory it truly is. Last night me, and a lady who I love chitchatting to on Roger, we were talking about jobs and our different reasons for not having a job. What really stood out for me was that basically, we don’t have jobs because of our disability(s), essentially. Last night when I was sending a message to mzrq, which is her name on Roger and Twitter, I told her that I don’t plan to work anymore because of how much employers love to pretend to hand out jobs, knowing all along that they won’t hire most candidates. And, people with disabilities are at the top of the list.

It’s really disgusting how it works like that. Discrimination is more rampant today than it was years ago. I say this because most educated people with disabilities, lets say visually impaired people in this argument, don’t actually get jobs unless the employers decide that they will suit that job, regardless of how qualified they are. Employers don’t see a qualified “disabled” person, they just see a “disabled” person. So, basically, you can be just right for a particular job, but since said employer sees your disability, they won’t actually look at your qualifications unless they decide according to their own perception, that your disability won’t be a hinderance to them, no matter how qualified you are. And it’s really fucked up!!!!!!!!!!! It should technically be illegal what employers are doing to discriminate against people with disabilities because of the level of training required to make a “disabled” person ready for their chosen line of work or career path, or whatever you’d like to call it.

Ok guys, I’m going to write for ages here, so bear with me. Maybe a snack or favourite drink would be good and ready to go at this point. I have so many reasons for why I think the workforce sucks today, especially for people with disabilities. In this little exposition, I will be stipulating people with vision loss. There’s a gazillion different disabilities and varying degrees of every type of disability, so instead of writing for the next two years about this broad subject, let’s just narrow it down to vision loss. Employers see a lot of potential in people, but it seems that vision loss, especially total blindness really tops the cake. So I”m going to rattle on forever because I’m frankly shitted right off that we’re living in the 21st century and we’re facing more and more discrimination every day, disguising it as occupational health and safety rules. OHS is fantastic, but please! When someone is trained at Uni and/or Tafe properly, don’t forget about this when hiring someone! People are so quick to look at the vision impairmentstblindness, they can’t even see past this and look at what the person’s abilities are, as demonstrated here. It’s rather ridiculous in my opinion. So it’s fine to get scared and wonder whether this person may be a liability or something like that, but fucking honestly! Maybe they’re looking for someone to hire them because said person has the right training/qualifications to do this job, or maybe they’d be finding a different job.

It amazes me that employers will go out of their way to educate blind people through training courses, yet they won’t accept them after all the effort people have wasted only to find their qualifications got them nowhere. Last year, I threw a certificate in the bin because I got trained at a cooking preparation course so I could be a chef’s assistant or I could have done some similar work. Well, this job agency I went to, ah, let’s just say they supported the discrimination against disabilities in a big way by looking at my certificate, then said to me that I wasn’t safe to work in the hospitality industry. A doctor said I was physically fit to work, so job agency’s response? You can’t do jobs requiring climbing ladders and other high places……… Because of my then working guide dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Guys, when the hell did my guide dog have anything to do with whether I could do jobs involving climbing and heights, or not? I’m sure there’s a lot of options for dog-sitting if I couldn’t bring the dog with me. I’m certain of the fact, but the wanker job assessment person at Centrelink totally dismissed me based on my guide dog! Secondly, because I’m totally blind. So, physical fitness and qualifications arent part of a blind person’s life, then, am I correct? Because, this is what the dickhead so-called employers apparently think. And, if any employer does want to test out hiring a blstVI person, um, apparently, that isn’t happening, because Centrelink Mr. Dickhead Psychologists, think that blstVI people are just as useless. It’s the 21st century, and most people aren’t educated on the fact that nearly everyone can have a job if people put an effort into hiring and training them, instead of spending that extra hour smoking and playing games. This makes me believe that education is only as good as the person who wants to be educated. In other words, it’s bloody useless. Especially to the employers who’re supposed to know better yet they still choose not to learn. No wonder I’m not interested in helping society anymore, it does jack shit to help me.

Job agencies certainly do not help out at all, and there’s no way I’ll sign up to another agency again. The way they dealt with Endeavour Industries which hires disabled people, is absolutely attrocious!!!!! I wasn’t allowed to work there because of my guide dog for God’s sake! And the agency did fucking nothing to help me fight back. I considered suing the agency and Endeavour Industries, but no, I just didn’t want to put any effort into dealing with all the shit that goes with it. So here I am now, doing nothing. I suppose writing blogs may count as something, because now people will know just how difficult it is to fight with unreasonable job industry workers and company. The worst part was knowing that doctors couldn’t even convince employers could hire me safely, and yet the lazy people at these so-called disability job networks did fuck all to help. Then the idiot person went to the other extreme of trying to get me jobs which requircs vision! Are you frigging kidding me? As far as I’m concerned, they’re all in it for the money because they definitely don’t take the interests of their customers in mind, although they go through the motions of such a proceedure.

Now here’s my next ramble about why I hate the education system so much. I’m sure the article about workplace discrimination should be self-explanatory, and there’ll be a lot more articles in that site too. Well, apparently Uni students are treated just as badly, which also paves the way for workforce discrimination. I’ve experienced it firsthand and I don’t intend to go back to Uni again. It’s horrible. There were some positive points, but overall I wouldn’t recommend University to anybody with a severe visual disability, and this is why. When I started Uni in 2007, I planned to do some sort of welfare type job, but not a social worker. I pretty much wanted qualifications that could land me in a lot of jobs that may or may not have interested me, but I could have enjoyed making some sort of an income. When I first went to Uni, it seemed very promising. I would be able to do research, do the exams, get help whenever necessary, and basically trudge through it like everyone else and basically have a bit of fun while I was at it. This was my plan and I kind of did carry it out, but it wasn’t as good a time as I’d wanted. I ended up dropping out halfway through my Uni degree two years later.

At first, the equity support worker seemed kind enough, she apparently wanted me to get the best out of my education, blah blah blah. Well, as time went on and I was having a harder time trying to study for exams, d oing research, doing group assignments, etc, it seemed that maybe the equity support worker was not all who she seemed to be. She chided me because I was getting tutors to read print information, reminded me not to distract students during class, when in reality they were simply including me in as much of the activities as possible by simply verbalising what I couldn’t see, etc. So even though I explained to this equity support worker a million times that the only reason tutors and students would actually take the time to read stuff to me, tell me about the cartoons displayed on the movies and other multi-media devices, etc etc, I was met with indignation as though what I had to say meant nothing to her. I had to respect what I heard from others, I had to respect what lecturerers had experienced in their lives, what they knew of other people and situations they’d encountered, but apparently when I talked about my experiences as a blind person, what my needs were, well, the equity support worker didn’t think she needed to return the same favour to me. I was not only devastated, I was terribly sad and disappointed! Here she was, carrying on about how important education is, and she tells me that I’m limited to my disability and I can only be as educated as my disability allows! Everyone else could ask for help from their friends except during exams, but apparently I had more advantage over the other students if I asked for help for the same reasons, including for someone to read printed information to me. For God’s sake I can’t damn see! She never did understand this and didn’t want to be educated. My case in point exactly, that education is as good as the person who’s willing to learn. You can’t help somebody who doesn’t want to help themselves. The fact that I wasn’t allowed to have someone “do my homework for me” by getting them to read print information was the absolute deal-breaker for me, and so was the inability to read any part of a text book because supposedly, the publisher wouldn’t have allowed me to have access to the whole book in electronic format due to copyright law. That is the biggest fucking load of bolox I’ve ever heard!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had a go at the equity support worker about that, but she was nasty and said that I bought the text book but she couldn’t break the copyright law just for me. I told her she was discriminating against me, so she said that I had to deal with it. Goodbye Uni, and goodbye Mrs Not-So-Equity Susport Worker. I passed a few exams, but I didn’t get very far with my education. My fate was completely sealed for eternity when I never got a phone call from a Uni in my town. I called them almost two years ago. Fuck them and fuck education and fuck the workforce.

If there is one good thing I liked about Uni, it was how nice most lecturers were to me. They disagreed with the way the disability workers treated me, but sadly for them, there was nothing they could do about it. So they pretty much made sure I could understand everything that was being taught so I could get another student with similar interests to help me without too much harm being done. What a niftly little trick, we just didn’t tell the bitch in office haha! The equity support worker was definitely a bitch! Even if you completed your assignments on time and you asked her for help, she’d accuse you of asking too late in the peace, and she’d have her list of excuses. Yeah whatever. She was a dirty rotten liar and no one could deny that. She was working there for the money. She never cared about the students. She, and a lot of horrible people like her, are essentially teaching employers that it’s ok to mistreat people with disabilities. This is why I hate the education system so much.

Another revival of the Braille Note!

September 17, 2016

Ok peeps! So it only took all day, but I finally got my Braille Note working once again! I had to reset the damn thing for almost the hundredth time and somehow I got the Braille Terminal to work properly. So let’s hope this will work for a long time now! The other thing is, I never got my chance to go to the park like I thought I would. I spent 15 minutes outside with Troy, ten minutes talking to the neighbours, and half a fricken hour, looking at new iPhones!!!!! Yes, voice-over is so advanced now that looking is practically at your ears now lol. I found some iPhone 6S models ranging from $850-1180. Oh my God! Even the phones that have been out for ages are still fucking dear! But that’s ok, I’m saving up some money, and I’m damn well buying the first iPhone 6S that I can afford. The 16GB of memory isn’t enough forthe apps that I had to delete off the phone. I was thinking of the 32GB phone, but that will run out of room so quickly too. Each generation of phone and all its software accessories always takes up more and more space. I don’t know why they can’t be efficient with their memory storage. It’s really stupid! I guess I’ll have to tell Humanware when I hear from them, that I eventually got this machine working, after stuffing around with it again. And at least the iPhone doesn’t have many issues, it’s just that the storage isn’t enough. I guess the 128GB phone will give me a few years out of it. I can’t believe I got this 6S in February and already I fucking need a new phone, and only because of the storage! I’m so glad I’ve got iCloud. I don’t know how I’ll do this, but I want to put my deleted apps back on the phone, back that to iCloud, then delete as many of them as possible. Ah, I don’t know how that’ll work, but I have to preserve what I can so when I’ve got the new phone, I can have it set where this phone is now. Then I can just sell the old phone. Not that it’s classed as old yet… But I need to make money somehow. I’m very pissed that it has come to this. I knew back in February that a 16GB phone wasn’t gonna last for long. But oh well I couldn’eat afford more. I will do soon. I’m fucking making sure of it! And now that this Braille Note is working, it better not break on me for a while.

Well, it’s time for dinner in a minute, I don’t know what I’ll have beside the chicken and rice. Maybe I’ll have some of that, and then I can make sandwiches or something. Any way to get a good feed in and save money! I like take-out meals, but I know I won’t get far if I spend money that I technically don’t have. I want that cockatieeal too, but that depends on lots of things. The bird has to be fhly and easy-going. But then, coçkatiels are so bloody expensive to feed too, if they’re fed proper food every day of the week! Canaries would be a whole lot cheaper to look after. They just can’t be handled all the time. God, I don’t know. I won’t even buy the bird unless I know for sure it’ll work out.

out.

I ate a huge feed and took my pain medication. I took it a bit late, you’re meant to take it every eight hours at least. Oh well, it’s done and dusted now. I’m starting to feel better, I hate female stuff! I always feel off-colour and I hate waiting for the medication to kick in properly. Once that’s done I’m fine yea! I drank a whole heap of water too, I drink like a fish now, I don’t hate drinking water anymore. The last drink I’ll have tonight is a cup of camomile tea with honey. I really love it! And once I’m ready for bed, I crash out really quickly. I think I’ll drink it every night. Talking of sleeping, I forgot to get the chicken wings out of the freezer when I woke up this morning! I’ll have to get them out in the morning then. I really want to make apricot chicken wings. I’ll do those on Monday, and I’ll be steaming potato and pumpkin. Yum!!!!!!! I love apricot chicken! I c”t decide what I’ll have to eaeat next week. besides the apricot chic’ken, I don’eat know what else I’ll have. As for my fuckin’ niggling throat, I wish it would just bloody stop it! It tickles and itches in the voice b’ox area down my throat where my windbbpipe is, and it’s fucking annoying!!!!!!! All thanks to my cold in July, and the bastard of a weird virus thingy back in early Aprilstend of February. God damn it! I’ve had enough water today to sink a battle ship. I’ve eaten a whole lot too, so I guess the waeater intake isn’t too bad. But the stupid liar of a doctor said that plenty of water and good food should get rid of my throat feeling. Well it has damn welittle not done a thing! All I did was make myself a bit healthier and fill up on water. My damn throaeat was actually getting better until I g’ot sick in July. And now that my cough has come back with a vengeance, I’m telling you, no I’m not getting better with lots of food and water. The reason I won’t go back to the doctoears is because they can’t even do anything end of story, and I wish they could. So I’ve fired all my stupid doctors, I wa’neat nature to take its cou’rse and that’s the way it will be. Frankly I don’t trust doctors. I think there are some good doctors, but most of them are in it for the money. So I think not getting a checkup each year won’t make a single bit of difference to my health. I bet making fruit smoothies every day will be way healthier than all the shit any doctor can recommend to you. So let’s hope I don’t run into dramas because I don’t plan on seeing a doctor again for a long time.

I was considering going out soon, but taxis are super expensive even with a haealf price taxi card. So I guess it means staying home again. And I’m not buying pizza again, $30 for a large pizza and six chicken wings is a ridiculous amount of money. I can b’uy lots of food at the super market for $30. I don’t know how fast food outlets and pizza parlours can charge such exhorbitant prices. It’s mad! Even taxi drivers can over-charge and I have no fucking 1idea how they can manage to do this and still sleep at nigh’t. The world is going crazy. I guess it’s only going to get more crazy. I just wish I could go out and have a good time. But with not a lot of money to spare, that c’t happen and I’m disapointed about that. I just can’t believe I can get a drink and an ice-cream from Hungry Jacks and I have to spend $30 on taxis just to do this. That’s disgusting! No wonder I don’t go out much because it’s so much cheaper to just stay home. I guess I should stop wríting for the night. I think I’ll go and make a cup of camomile and honey and take myself to bed. I’ll write more tomorrow. Plus the bloody fireworks are scaring me. I don’t think people are meant to light fireworks like that.

My Braille Note is finally working again

September 16, 2016

I’m sitting at my dining table writing on my Braille Note! I decided to throw my wireless keyboard in the bin tonight. It started to really play up two weeks ago, and last week, or was it two weeks ago now as well? – Anyway, I wasn’t able to write in the Braille terminal. So basically, I had to use my iPhone to write because the Braille Terminal wasn’t working. Anyway, I kept stuffing around with the BN, got really frustrated, rang Humanware, they couldn’t help me. They said it was an Apple issue. Well it must have been some kind of pecuealiar conflict between the Bation and the Bluetooth keyboard, because when I threw the keyboard in the bin, after about fifteen minutes, the Braille Note started working properly again! Woohoo!!!!!! So now I’m writing in a very happy mood. I was going to send my Braille Note back, but when I threw the wireless keyboard away andthe BN started working normally again, I felt good that the Bluetooth keyboard was the problem instead of the Braille Note! I can’t write as fast, but at least I can write. I can’t connect to the Internet with the BN though, which sucks! I have to use the Braille terminal to connect to the Internet with Safari. Oh well. It’s better than not using my BN at all isn’t it? This is fucking awesome! A’ll I need to do now is, copy and paste this into the messages and text this to the WordFress site! It’s really dumb how you just about need to be a doctor to figure out what the issue is. Um, x’s not just people who have issues with products of whatever description, especially medicines, but apparently technology can have issues with other computer products too. But I’ve sorted out the issue, so let’s hope I den’t go through this bullshit again.

I haven’t been up to much lately. I’ve just been staying home and playing games. I got a bit worried actually because I started to feel terrible yesterday but today my female shit came on so I feel a lot better knowing what I’m dealing with! So I’m doing all right. I’ve als discovered that the health app is pretty good, I use it as a pedometer mainly. I put my height and weight in, and it m1’sures my step count and gives it to me in distance as well. Today I walked 3$2 kilometres! kilometres! I’m takin my phone with me as I usually do when I go for a walk, but I’ll be measuring my steps when I’m done with the walk. I guess it’s interesting knowing what the app says about me when I’m doing stuff. I wish there was a heart rate thing on there though. That would be really cool. Anyway, I’ll post this blog now, I’ll write more later.

A trip down memory lane and rambling on

September 6, 2016

I’m using my laptop to write this post from Yahoo Mail. What I don’t know how to do is add a new contact to the address book. So I’m hoping that sending this post will somehow get the server to recognise that I want the email address to be saved. I can’t say it’ll work that way, but I can only hope so. I’ve been reading back through my posts, and man I’ve come a long way since seven years ago when I first started the blog! Ok, so back then I knew how to live life, but there was a lot of bad writing and I still hadn’t learnt how to live independently properly yet. Wow!

Some posts though, really made me wish I’d never gotten a guide dog. As much as I love dogs and I love Troy and I loved him as a guide dog, all the problems I went through wouldn’t have happened had he never come into my life. Yet at the same time I’d never have had any good times working a guide dog had I never met Troy. A lot of the time me and Troy were a very good guide dog team. But sometimes people would make shit up about me, and the Guide Dogs organisation in South Australia would dismiss everything I said regardless of facts or fiction. What people said over the phone to her or other guide dog organisations was fact regardless of whether it was truth or lie, no facts needed to be considered, just presume and accuse, was the name of the game. It would be like someone saying that oh, so-and-so did this, then I ring said so-and-so, then accuse them and after asking questions, still not believe anything so-and-so had to say no matter what actually happened! Well, Not only was I let down, but this alone is a deal-breaker for me getting another guide dog. Everything else I can be forgiving of, false accusations can’t be forgiven. Not that I hold separate special grudges so to speak, but I’m not prepared to risk making mistakes that other people may perceive as intentional cruelty or appear to be doing something wrong based on somebody’s perception of the situation just for the shit to hit the fan and come back to me as some story based on perceptions rather than on what the truth of the matter is. For example, I can be accused of cruelty if Troy, or let’s say another dog, puts on too much weight. Well, that’s a false accusation because if the dog puts on weight, then all that needs to be said is that I need to feed the dog less food for a while. Yet people can take a situation and turn it into something else entirely, and make someone else get into trouble because they convince Guide Dogs staff of what presumably happened, not what the actual facts are. Weight is one example. Leash correction is another example where people can conjure up some story of me, or someone else, apparently abusing their guide dog. Now sometimes abuse may well have happened. So, in this case, instead of just falsely accusing me, find out the facts of the story first, and then accuse me of something I really did! Presuming what I do doesn’t make it true. So this is why I’m not prepared to get another guide dog, I’m sick of having to live my life as though I’m owned by the public eye. Well, I’m definitely not here to be disapproved of or approved of by others, unless of course I’m actually doing something deliberately abusive or dangerous. This is where Guide Dogs needs to investigate properly to get the facts of the story. And, asking me what happened and then deciding I must be lying without any proof of it, makes me feel even less of the person questioning. It would be like the cops asking if I’ve abused a child, I say no I didn’t do so, then I get punished for abusing a child when the cops have not sought any proof of me abusing the child! I may love dogs as guides, but dealing with people who make up stories and organisations who don’t find out all the facts first before throwing blame and fault, is not an experience I want to repeat. Even police and RSPCA inspectors can’t arrest people without reasonable proof that the person is a possible suspect, and even then, after finding out that there’s not enough proof of a crime or misdemeanour, they have to let the suspect go. I don’t know why disability organisations have to think they’re so special that they can blame and accuse before finding out the whole story first.

I keep remembering the day I arrived in Cairns back in 2012. It was a memorable one. This post was done a couple of weeks after I moved into a unit, not the one I’m in now. I was so glad to move over here! Since then I’ve stopped visiting most family members although I used to visit family a lot when I first arrived. Then a lot of shit happened, including eye problems, psychological problems etc. Now thank God, I’m totally over it. I still get anxious sometimes, but the anxiety is related to different stuff now and I have to say it’s not as bad! I don’t have flashbacks about my eye operations and weird and wonderful issues to boot, so often now. I actually don’t regret my eye surgery. I don’t even regret the fact that I had to sort my eyes out. I actually regretted all the side effects of recovery from these operations and most of the drugs! When I got sick back in April, I did relapse with some of my psychological issues from years ago, e.g aversion to water, was craving junk and take-away food a lot because that’s all I wanted to eat, etc. Well, the wonderful doctor helped me to a large degree to get over this crap. She basically told me I’d have to keep drinking water all the time until I feel like I’m used to drinking it without feeling sick, and then I could just drink as much as I liked after that. Well I’m so glad and so lucky I didn’t get any sicker, and that my chest issues were only a virus! Now, I can eat and drink like a fucking horse! Water doesn’t make me feel sick at all. I can eat until the cows come home. And I make sure to eat vegies with almost every meal. I still hate aeroplanes, no amount of chewing gum will make me feel better when I’m flying. Just give me a pill, some food and water, and let me sleep it off. My ears can pop later when I feel a bit better to eat and drink normally again. I’ll only fly if I have to. I still hate doctors, I won’t just go to one because I can. I have to be really worried to go there. As for surgery, no I’d rather die than have surgery. I may change my mind when it comes to crunch time, but now I’m like, no way! As for my eyes, I’m supposed to see a doctor every year to check them. Well, that’s not happening either. I don’t need a doctor. It’s that simple. If I’m not sick, I don’t need a doctor to tell me what I already know. If they can tell me I need to be checked for certain conditions which don’t show up straight away until you’re really sick, then maybe I’ll get checked. But I won’t go to the doctor just for a health check when I feel no reason to see one. I’m getting worried about my foot, so let’s hope it doesn’t stuff up. There’s a crack right where I cut my foot last year, and I’m getting terrified that something is going wrong with the scar. It hurts very mildly sometimes and it itches occasionally. I’m hoping moisturising cream will help it. Doctors are a last resort for me.

If there’s one thing that I do regret and I still wish it hadn’t happened, I totally can’t stand how I nearly got a job after starting a cooking preparation course, but I lost the job because I had to leave Darwin and go to Cairns suddenly! July was the worst month for me in 2012. I had to get away from Mum because we fought like cats and dogs. I’m still not happy about it, but I can put it to the back of my mind now, most of the time. I’m still angry at Mum, and when we have good conversations on the phone I’m fine, but when we argue, I let her have it. She blames me when things go wrong, but here she is being as fucking abusive as she can be. She blames other people including me, of the problems that happen in our lives, yet she’s always perfect, always fixes her problems, etc. Ok, well how about she fix her abuse problem then? And maybe she’ll be more perfect. Stupid bitch. Sorry guys, but me and Mum aren’t very compatible. I won’t even drink alcohol when I’m around her, I know if I visit her, alcohol is not happening because we fight too much and then we don’t know who started it and who was at fault for what. Mum can’t even stay with me for twenty-four hours, we fight hours after she arrives. So I won’t let her stay with me anymore. I’m really glad I moved into another unit! I tell you what, the other unit was pretty good, but by the time I left the place, I couldn’t get away quick enough. By then, I was having trouble with a neighbour who was situated in a house behind the complex. His dog just wouldn’t shut up, and I couldn’t take it any longer after a few months of the same shit every day. I won’t suggest that getting even was the right thing to do, but Jesus bloody Christ I was so so mad for dealing with the mutt for ever! I decided I wanted to move to Brisbane, but it never happened. Instead, I moved into this place. I did have the opportunity to go, but after finding out about how nice this place was, I really wanted to stay. Each year from then on, I’m given the opportunity to leave or even leave town if I really want to. But, nope I’m here to stay for a long while. My health is at an all-time high, so please for God’s sake, stay that way! There are times where I buy take-away meals, but not every week let alone every day. I don’t walk as much as I used to, but for the time being it doesn’t matter. And yes, I may be getting a doctor to see to my foot before I bugger it up, when I eventually get into walking all the time after the city Council fixes the shopping complex down the road so that I can actually walk there I can’t say this accessibility bullshit will be sorted in five minutes, but I’m sure we can work something out. It would be lovely to be able to walk to the shops and bring some groceries home. No more having to spend money on taxis or catch a bus, unless of course I want to go somewhere else. Actually, I’m going to try to organise for a Council worker to have a look at the place near the shopping centre, where the car park is. I’m sure they could create a walkway somewhere! There’s a grocery store and a couple of cafes at this shopping complex, and walking there would give me so much more exercise. I don’t even like exercising, but if a walk means getting bread and milk, geeze! I’ll walk to and from the shops every frigging day.

Wow! I think this is like the longest blog I’ve written in forever. Oh my God. But what I can say is, this year hasn’t been as bad as other years. Last year I had to deal with illnesses, and the year before that, as well as dramas. This year I dealt with some illness, but I haven’t had it too badly ass a general rule. Troy is doing fantastic. Yes he may be getting old, and aches and pains are starting to catch up with him now, but overall Troy is doing really good. He’s doing better than I expected of him as an almost eleven-year-old. When a guide dog trainer retired him in February this year, she was surprised that Troy was still doing as good as he was. Most dogs deteriorate by his age and are ready to be put down. But not Troy! He’s an exceptional dog. But even the vets said that really good dog owners can’t stop a dog’s health from declining once it starts. Basically, all I can do from now on is to continue with Troy’s excellent vet care, his good food, exercise and so on. But nothing I do will make Troy any better, he’ll just start to deteriorate over time, and depending on the dog it can be a slow or fast progression. Apparently me taking good care of Troy is making it so much easier for him to age gracefully and cope with his slowly worsening arthritis issues, but when it does come to the crunch he’s still going to age and get sick until he dies, no matter how much I try to take care of him really well. It’s like trying to rescue Troy from an oncoming train but all you can do is slow the train down, until it finally runs him over. This is exactly what it’s like. I do think my dog is ageing a lot slower because he’s so healthy and I’ve never allowed him to put on a lot of weight. My grandparents tried to break all the rules regarding his diet, but let’s not get started with the family dramas again. They want me to dump Troy onto someone else so I don’t have to care for him, but that’s not happening and they know it. They want a lot of things. No, I’m living my life however the hell I want to. Anyone who can get rid of a dog for the sake of convenience is plane fucking selfish. The situation could have been different for a million reasons. But it’s not and I’m able to keep Troy. So……… since this is the case, I feel that if I could work with Troy while he was learning the ropes when he first became a guide dog, I’m sure I can be there when he dies. He helped me for most of his life, so I’m now prepared to help him and support him through the rest of his life. It’s only fair.

My boring life

September 6, 2016

I’m using the Notes app with my wireless keyboard to write this blog. I’ve got a cuppa next to me and my BN is connected to the power. So I don’t want anything to spill near it at the moment. I’m using VO while I write my blog, so when I’m done I can simply mute VO and read the blog in Braille. Isn’t that cool! And the good thing about using the wireless keyboard is that I can type porperly like on a computer. And it’s easier to edit text using my Braille display and wireless keyboard too. So I don’t think I’m going to use the QWERTY keyboard on the Braille Note unless I have to. I’m going to Vision Australia on Thursday so of course my gadgets are coming with me! Now I wish Troy could come along as well! God damn it. Anyway, I’ll try to come home as quick as I can so I can take him to the park. It’s another overcast day today, and I’m hoping it won’t be this way all week. A fucking phone bill will be debited tomorrow I think, it won’t help me to get out of the house will it? I’m so stir-crazy now.

I had the best sleep ever last night. I hung the sheets out yesterday, so because I was too lazy to make my bed last night, I took a fitted sheet out of the cubpoard, wrapped myself in it like a cattapillar in a cacoon, and slept on the floor. Troy slept near me and kept trying to push me around while he was sleeping! But I rolled onto my stomach so I couldn’t be moved from my spot on the floor, and I crashed for the entire night, woke up to my new and wonderful alarm, turned it off, and slept for four more hours. I’m refreshed now. I’m aching a bit because I’m not used to sleeping on the floor, but it was worth it. I don’t know what it is with Troy, but if I sleep in my bed, he wanders around sleepwalking, sometimes I wake up to him walking around, sometimes to and from my room. But when I sleep on the floor, Troy does stir a few times each night to turn or quickly get up and lie down because that’s just him, he sleeps very well but is a sleepwalker! But when I’m on the floor he stays in my room and doesn’t wander around a lot. Last night I heard him rolling around, so I guess you can’t change how animals sleep, but you can stop them from walking around a lot by sleeping on the floor wrapped in a sheet! Troy is hilarious. At least I slept well. I’m getting hungry

It looks like I’ll be blogging, watching movies, and playing computer games all day. There’s nothing else to do. And Troy is amusing himself for the moment because after allowing me to share his floor space (he really loves using the carpet as a bed instead of his very expensive bed I bought for him), he just wants his own space back now. Not that he’s the kind of dog that really cares so much, but sometimes everybody needs space after hanging out with you for hours, whether that be napping on the floor while laying at my feet, etc. Last night, Troy sat near me when I played on the laptop, then we both crashed on the floor in my room. Ok, that’s what I wanted to vent about in regard to sleeping on the ground when animals are nearby. Frankly, I couldn’t give a damn. If the animal is tame and it isn’t aggressive or bossy, and you’re not abusive towards the animal, then I see no problem with sleeping near a dog or cat. End of story. With that said, Troy hung out with me all night and now he needs his own space for a while. Just like anybody would need some alone time after hanging out with a friend. I tell ya, I nearly throttled Mum that time a few years when she told me to stop hugging Troy because apparently according to her philosophy, I’m so-called “too close” to Troy. Oh fuck off! There’s a difference between showing affection to a dog or a cat for that matter, and intentionally mishandling/abusing the poor thing! Now, in different countries the legal status of how animals are handled/treated isn’t the same. In Australia, it’s illegal to engage animals in personal activities, dog fighting, etc. For God’s sake I not only agree with these things being outlawed, but to my mind it’s fucking gross! Dog fighting included by the way. Dogs are supposed to be our companions. They aren’t there to be exploited. And, that news story which is easy to find on Google, about a Florida man harming his dog over marriage difficulties, he needs a bullet in the head. So does the judge because he/she, I can’t remember the genda and I don’t care, they gave the poor animal back to the man because it was his mobility aide. Yeah, let’s abuse the animal because it’s considered property and it’s ok! Eeeeeeeuuuuuuuuu yuck! Get out. To me, Troy isn’t property. He’s a living soul. Anyone who wants to contest this can go right ahead, but they certainly won’t change my opinions on these things nor will they change my stance on the moral issues surrounding animal handling and treatment. So anyway, I shouted at Mum when she carried on like she did. I told her to stop cuddling cats then, stop taking the cat to bed then (she doesn’t have a cat), and I’ll stop cuddling Troy. Man did she get angry. So I got more pissed and got in her face, and I basically told her to shut up and if it’s ok to cuddle and sleep with a cat, then guess what? Troy is getting the same treatment so go ahead and call the RSPCA. Go ahead! Apparently I’m abusing the dog right? So, I can then accuse Mum of being abusive to a cat whenever she takes it to bed too. Well that ended the argument! I don’t let my dog in the bed, but my opinion on it is, if the dog is clean, doesn’t have behavioural problems, and you’re not abusive to it, then let it sleep where it likes. But if you won’t let it sleep in the bed, then that’s great too. And when I sleep on the floor, Troy doesn’t get dominant. That’s all bullshit anyway. Troy doesn’t think any differently of me when I’m higher up on a bed or laying on the ground. For heaven’s sake he’s not a wild dog or a wolf! He’s a tamed animal with instincts, but even so he is tame. And tamed animals do behave differently to wild ones. They’re similar but different.

I’ve made a second cup of coffee. So I’m going to continue to write for ages. I need to let a lot of stuff off my chest today. Yes, I’m back into writing long blogs like I used to do! I love talking on Audioboom, but at the moment I’m not into talking so I’m writing instead. Not that talking ever replaces writing by any means, but sometimes I can convey myself better with my writing. So anyway, I’m really angry with Nan and Pop. I don’t have a problem with them having an opinion, geeze everyone can have opinions! But I do have a problem with them expecting me to expect approval from others for my behaviour. Do this, but get approval for it, do that, disapproval equals don’t accept such and such an opinion, or situation, or whatever it might be. Well, sorry to burst their bubble, but I don’t live my life to get approval from others. I guess if I’m really uncertain about something, then definitely it’s for my safety and security to get approval from people. But if I’ve made a decision about whatever it may be regarding my lifestyle, well, I don’t need to be influenced by how people react to determine whether I’ve made a good choice or not. I’m living my life, so really, unless I’m doing something dangerous, it’s not up to anyone else how I live. So yeah, Nan and Pop are in my bad books and they have been for a long time. In fact the next time I speak to them and they bring up some fancy discussion on my lifestyle choices, I’m going to let them have it. Short and to the point, but they will be told straight and down the line, that I’m not tolerating their shit. I’m not a people-pleaser, and they won’t try to turn me into one. My grandparents seem to think they own the world and can boss everyone around. Well I’m not having that attitude and they aren’t welcome here if they’re going to be so rude and disrespectful.

Besides all the family dramas which I try to keep away from, my life is working out just fine. I’ve still got heaps of food in the freezer, so I’m sure I won’t go hungry this week! I did my shopping order last week so it’ll be delivered next week. As soon as it arrives, I’ll be looking for more groceries on special and taking advantage of the deals while I can. If I can spend a hundred dollars or less on a whole lot of groceries then that’s a bonus! Bulk-buying is another favourite strategy too. I save so much money when I bulk-buy and get all the specials. All these people who think they have to spend a lot of money on shopping have to be kidding themselves! Some family members have the worst habit of over-spending, and their excuse is that groceries are expensive and I think, yeah whatever. How about putting some effort into buying groceries on sale and you should start saving money. With the way I buy groceries, I could feed six people on $150-$200 worth of groceries, yet my cousin used to spend nearly $500 a day on the family! Oh my God. Over-spending at its finest there. Her list of excuses is exhaustive, but they’re still excuses. And, if I was faced with having to make a huge feed of whichever type of dish, and I was told to make more of it and don’t be stingy and all that, I’ll tell the ungrateful brood to cook it themselves. I have so many ungrateful family members. My attitude is, I buy food and if someone doesn’t like it, well, they can starve. Obviously there’s food that we all can’t like, so I’d respect that. But if bread is too thick, too thin, there’s not enough food for left-overs the next day, or maybe I didn’t make the right meal, or this, or that, I’d tell said people to bloody well feed themselves instead of being fucking demanding. Yeah, I’m strict. Maybe that’s why I’m unpopular with most of my family, I’m rather strict with my life, I have boundaries that I expect to be respected, I don’t hand out money generously unless someone truly needs assistance with food and money, etc. Yet my hypocrite Auntie will tell me to stop being demanding when I ask my Uncle when the coffee will be ready after I’ve waited for ten minutes for him to make it! She, however, yells and is the most demanding person of all of us, for the very fuckin’ same reason she hates us for when we’re “so demanding”!!!!!!!! She’s a fucking jerk. I may love my family but they’re ungrateful snivelling bastards. Nan and Pop are the same, I generously feed them, let them know there’s rice as well if they want it, and all I get is cold voice tones of, “oh no we don’t need any rice, there’s plenty of food here!” And no sooner do they say this, that by the end of our meals one of them changes their mind and convinces the other to get a little scoop of rice! Fuck them. If this is how people are going to treat me, then I won’t God damn feed them. Maybe if they used nicer voice tones, I might understand them better. If they don’t mean to be cold and nasty, then they God damn well need to change how they talk to me, because claiming to mean one particular demeanor while acting cold towards me is very confusing. I really can’t stand people who act hard-done-by while they expect everyone else to be happy. I think most of my family members needs to get off the high horse.

Troy is back again!😃😃😃😃😃

September 5, 2016

Hiiiiiiiiiii! How’s it going guys? I need to take over Mum’s blog again because I think she’ll need to take over the site again for the rest of the night! So before I forget what I need to say, I’d better run over here and write! Well, I spent all day doing nothing. It’s raining. And this afternoon Mum got me to run and dance around for a while until my legs started to ache a bit. Mum is getting worried about me. I feel great though, but sometimes I get a bit achy if I run too much. I’ve never felt like that before! I did feel normal again after a few minutes, I suppose that’s a good sign right? I’m still as young as ever. I really want to go to the park butt Mum says it’s too wet outside. What do you mean it’s too wet? I love running around when it’s raining! But apparently Mum doesn’t like me running around in the house when I’m wet. Geeze! I guess I don’t have to clean the house. Oh well, that’s Mum’s job! Hopefully we can go to the park when it’s not raining. I really want to visit that pet shop lady again! I don’t know when Mum will let me go back to the pet shop again. I really love that place. Mum sometimes gets me treats from there, she always gets them when I’m not there. I guess she loves surprising me! What I really want to do is go back to the fish and chips shop. I like to sit next to Mum while she eats. And I love to sneak a hello greeting to as many people whenever I can. I never want to leave! I’m sitting near Mum now actually. I wish I could go out but I can’t! Apparently Mum has a stupid phone bill to pay in a couple of days or something. Damn the bill. Now I get to lie here in peace because Mum isn’t rattling on anymore, that guy talks to her for ages! He’s just a friend though, he already has a girlfriend. I can’t wait for that support worker lady to come around again too. She’s nice! She and Mum argue a lot but at least they try to get along so I like that. And the lady pats me a lot but isn’t very huggy. I wish she was! Oh, that’s right. I recall writing that the other day as well. Oh, well I guess that’s how boring life is, I can’t think of what to say and sometimes I forget what I already said. Damn it! I love to wag my tail while Mum pats me. Sometimes I swish hair in her face. Yuck! But I can’t help it. I have to stay home while Mum goes out on Thursday. I wish I didn’t have to. I can’t wait till Mum gets home and we can go to the park! She tries to stay there for as long as she can whenever she goes out for a long time because she wants to keep me away from the house so I forget about having to stay home for half the day. When I get home I can never go to sleep quick enough! I get so tired.

There’s something I do need to say before I forget. What I really hate is being told I have to be re-homed! Now, I know Mum won’t just dump me like that, who gives their best friend away anyway? But basically, some people who Mum calls grandparents, well they used to tell her make-believe crap about me. Total rubbish to be honest. I didn’t care really because I know I’m staying here forever. And Mum has said so many stupid things about never watching me get put to sleep one day and all that stuff and blah blah blah. Yeah right! Mum wants me to stay around forever but she’s also making sure I don’t get too sick. So apparently she will be waiting for me to go to sleep one day. Geeze, I fall asleep every night! Anyway, apparently Mum has different beliefs, about what does she call it? Um… Eu-tha-na-sia? Is that right? Um, anyway, she has different beliefs about that, she used to have horrible ideas about wanting people and animals to live for ever and ever and ever, no matter how sick they are. But, well… Ah, a few times over my life, I noticed Mum get so sick sometimes! And she used to talk about dying, good this and good that, and all sorts of things about only healthy people should live… Oh I don’t know. But it had something to do with this……… Ah, euthanasia thingy. She certainly doesn’t want me to get as sick as she got a few times. Oh, she always asks about why we can have a needle but people can’t? Then I hear things about religion. Religion my foot! Religion has nothing to do with sickness andf wanting to stop suffering. So I don’t know why religion should come into it. Anyway, I wish I could discuss this with other doggies, but I guess I can’t, so I’ll write what I think.

Well, firstly, I don’t believe in dying. Well, not like, um, when you’re feeling so great and all that right. But I do believe if you’re hurting too much, then maybe it’s a different story. Or is it? Ok, what I want, is to live forever! I want to feel so great like I am now, I want to stay alive for a long time. I’m really happy. But I can’t understand why I sometimes feel a bit achy, why I get so tired, but then I come good again. I really can’t understand that and I do not want to put up with getting tired easily for so long. I want to stay happy. But if I get too sick or hurt too much or can’t exercise anymore or whatever, then I think I’d just rather lie down and retire. Oh wait, I am retired already! Oh, and I’m lying down. Oh, I have no idea what to believe seriously! How can you lie down and retire when you’re already retired? Doesn’t make any sense to me? But anyway, I wouldn’t want to hurt every day for the rest of my life that’s for sure! At least Mum knows what a good life is. I’m so glad I’m allowed to stay with her.

Testing something with my wireless keyboard

September 5, 2016

I’m just doing some things to make sure I can use my Bluetooth keyboard properly. I’m about to paste a link in this post just to see that it works. For interest, let’s have a look at my GoFundMe page! There we go, I hope using my wireless keyboard to post links is well worth the cause lol! Ok seriously, the test is over now, I’m going to send this post.

5 September, 2016 17:02

September 5, 2016

I’m finally able to use my Bluetooth keyboard with my Braille Note! I haven’t even needed to ring Humanware yet like I thought I’d need to. I no longer have to use Perkins Braille keystrokes when typing on the Braille Note. I can simply use my Bluetooth keyboard to write normally. I can mute voice-over, type on the wireless keyboard, feel the display to check for mistakes, and go from there. It only fucking took three hours to fix it! I had to forget both my Braille Note and my wireless keyboard on the phone, then I had to reset the Braille Note for the fifth time, then I reconnected my Bluetooth devices. Now I’m listening to a Podcast while the phone is charging on the bench, my BN and wireless keyboard are in front of me. Let’s see if I can copy and paste this into a message window! Well, it looks like I’m having a bit of fun this arvy!!!!!!!!! I listened to a few podcasts and now I’m doing perfect with my Bluetooth keyboard. I’ve got the BN in front of me and I’m typing in
the message window. I can copy and paste if I need to but I find I don’t really have to now. I’ve got voice-over turned off so I can just feel the Braille display whenever I think I need to, and I can sooooooooo easily edit my text as though I was using a computer. Wow this is crazy exciting! I think I could write for bloody hours now. I love my wireless keyboard. I’m keeping it with me for good. I won’t leave without it. Bluetooth and voice-over used to have a lot of problems, but the bugs have been fixed and I can type normally without a hitch. I do make typing errors, but I can edit those and I don’t have to worry about voice-over playing up on me when I use this keyboard. I’m so happy!

5 September, 2016 14:42

September 5, 2016

Oops! I sent the damn blog by accident. And no, I’m not prepared to go into Safari to edit the thing. So let’s start again. Sorry guys! I’m trying to get used to my Bluetooth keyboard here. Anyway. as I was saying, the Braille display isn’t showing up at all when I’m in the Braille terminal using the Bluetooth port. I’m very very pissed off! This is really bullshit you know. I was going well with the BN until I brought my Bluetooth keyboard out and now look at where I’m at. Fucking nowhere. Oh my God. Let’s just say I want to throw my Braille Note away now. It’s useless, you can’t do anything with it. I love the Braille output, but I can easily get a Braille display without the note-taker part. The computer is really stuffed. I think I might be doing a low-rating review about the BN I think. Not happy Jan!

5 September, 2016 14:38

September 5, 2016

It’s a rainy day! I really wanted to go out but apparently it’s not happening. I’m quite pissed, but there’s nothing I can do about it which really sucks. So I’ve decided to spend the day surfing the blog sites and writing and all that. I still haven’t found a way to copy a Keyword document over to the iPhone. Once you enter Braille Terminal Mode, you can’t do anything else with the Braille Note until you escape out of the Braille terminal. Damn! I’m back. I was interrupted by eaving to do my washing. I wanted to hang it to 1get it out of the road before I forget to do it. It’s not good leaving wet clothes around! as for my ugly fucking neighbours, they’re going cf the Body Corporate guy because apparently the guys are blowing the grass into the next-door bloçk of units. The bastards are pretty abusi”e towards the Body Corp people. Poor Troy tried to look through my back door when the curtains were drawn across, but I waited for him to settle before opening the glass pannel. I think wevery should have fresh air, but I don’t want my dog to have a go at people when he doesn’t need to. Some people are big-mouthed foghorns, but I don’t want Troy to cause more trouble when we’re perfectly safe in here. Troy is doing well so I’m sitting at the dining table again like I usually do every day. I had two cups of coffee and a huge feed, and a big drink of water. I’ll be making another cuppa soon. At least the neighbours aren’t shouting anymore. I guess I’ll be hosing the patio later because some foghorns wouldn’t let the lawn mower guys do their job. The only reason I’m not moving out is because my unit is a really nice one.

There hasn’t been a whole lot happening in the blog world lately. I guess life is just plain boring lol. There honestly isn’t any exciting news for me to share, other than the saga between Body Corporate and the neighbours who have no business to carry on like that. I suppose I’ll have news after I ring Humanware and ask a few questions. I actually feel like it’s going to be a waste of time somehow. I can’t put my finger on it, but I don’t exactly want to ring a company only to hear that they can’t give me answer’s. I’ll try out my Bluetooth keyboard and ic that works, I won’t ring Humanware, but if it doesn’t, I’ll ring them. I just hate feeling let down! So… I’ll be back with my Bluetooth keyboard and I’ll try to pair it with the Braille Note.

Well, I’m back, with a whole lot more fucking frustration!!!!!!!!! I’ve got my Bluetooth keyboard working perfectly. There’s no fault with it at all. I listened to a podcast and got this gadget playing by the rules yea! But…….. But but but!!!!!!! My frigging Braille Note ain’t working properly. Oh fuck my life! I can’t get the Braille display to work when I go into Braille Terminal Mode with the Bluetooth port. When I’m in the Braille settings in the voice-over section, it tells me that the Apex is connected, paired and everything. But the fucking