Merry Christmas!

Today is lazy for me. J and V have gone with V’s family for a few hours to celebrate Christmas. I have my TV turned up as loud as it can go. I’m not a hundred percent well today, my menstrual problems are back how I used to be. The birth control (Implannon) has failed. I will decline any other hormonal birth control as it doesn’t work properly and doesn’t fix pain. I still feel sick around my menstrual problems, and if I have no birth control treatment, I feel sick all the time, not just on ny period. So I know my GP doesn’t care, I’m letting my other doctors know about that. Brisbane has a horrible medical system, most docs are corrupt here. They support the Government so people aren’t cared for unless the paramedics come. That’s when doctors wake up. Well this isn’t right. I’d rather just stay home and be miserable if this is how medical people want to be. I’ve started on Paracetamol today and I’m going to live on it; I have no plans to come off it. I hope I’m not forced into hospital, I won’t be touching food or water once I’m admitted. I want to start on Rinitadine and nurofen too, but I know I’ll end up in hospital really fast because of long-term side effects, so I’ll stick to Panadol for now. I want to cut my implant out of my arm too, but my GP won’t let me. She knows I’m not bothered by DIY medical procedures. I don’t need a doctor to cut things out, it’s more that I’d bleed too much because I’m not trained to do things properly, so the doctor should do it. But I’d do it myself if given the chance. I know my GP doesn’t agree with me living on Panadol, but she knows I’m not bugerising with her, so she just allows it because she knows I’ll end up in hospital soon anyway. If I decide that I won’t get a good deal when I get admitted, I’m quitting oral intake of food and water. I want a pleasant life, I have no intentions of going on in a miserable state. I plan to offend as many people as possible while getting my happy release which I think I deserve. Maybe the doctor will find me a good treatment deal. But with the way I’m going with my health, I’m not sure about that. My GP would rather keep me in misery on treatments that aren’t effective than do an operation that will correct everything. I know she wants to make me sick in order to make money. Why else would she want me to live with ineffective medications and side effects and worse issues? If she cared about her patients, I wouldn’t be sick right now.

I have no future to look forward to. So now I’m going to reminisce on all the good times in the past. I won’t keep living for long, so I don’t have anything in life to look forward to. I remember when I had my guide dog Troy. He was a wonderful dog. I did live a good life despite my horrible family relationships. I hope to be gone by next Christmas. I’ve lived well. I’m retired now, I can just rot away any time I like now. I’m happy with my decision to give up on life. My doctors don’t care about me so I feel I’m entitled to give up and die. I know medical people will just say everybody dies, they aren’t interested in prolonging life. They have to say things to sound professional, but at the end of the day it’s just another job and they know it. I’m just another job for my doctors, a reason for somebody to get paid. I know I have a poor quality of life and I know not many people care because society doesn’t want disabled people or women with problems. Society is all about being a man, a fertile woman, and a perfect person. I’m neither of these, so I won’t be missed. Besides the fact that I’m not interested in living a miserable life, too. I want comfort, and there’s nobody who cares enough to respect my wishes. So I’m just going to use continuous Panadol as euthanasia, where death takes a long time, yet I won’t have a long life. Yet I hope to die peacefully and comfortably. I know my pharmacist doesn’t agree with this approach, so I’ll die even faster because once sent to hospital for not coming off Panadol, I’m simply going to refuse food and water and lie very still. I’ll be like my grandmother who died of cancer, and the way she died in the end was by giving up so nobody could help her. She could have fought on a bit more, but she chose to give up rather than live miserably. I intend to eventually do the same. My grandmother was a lovely lady. She just couldn’t stand to struggle any more, so one day she just withdrew into herself and died. How upsetting, but at the same time she went peacefully. I can only hope my doctors decide they want me to live. At the moment I haven’t got an answer for living a comfortable existence, and I feel the doctors aren’t interested. But maybe someone will listen and give me the comfort I’m looking for, and I may agree to live a long and happy life.


One Response to “Merry Christmas!”

  1. tiostib Says:

    Yes, you’ve obviously had a tough go but you’ve also created some wonderful moments. There are those people who don’t make the effort to sincerely listen and care about others, but there are those who do have open hearts and make the effort to love. I encourage you to reach out to the good human beings you know and ask for help. You might also consider how you might be able to serve those who find themselves in situations similar to yours. Keep reaching out, stay in gratitude for the blessings you do have, don’t give up.

    I believe in you!


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