Good chitchat

I talked for over an hour with my support worker who does cleaning today. She knows I like to talk, so next time she shows up she’s going to clean for an hour and we’ll have coffee for an hour. She knows I love to get things off my chest, and she knows I need to work out which problems are genuine in need of fixing, and which problems are just mental hindrances. I felt pretty good for chatting, it doesn’t change reality but if we can figure out how to make my situation better, I’m happy with that. I think it’s a good thing I see my doctor every twelve weeks now. We decided last week that wasting a bit of attention and time at the doctors is better than me crying at paramedics and getting gassed out for a night, eventually. Better to be happy and well after taking a few tablets than take a whiff of anesthetic/few strong shots for two days!!!!!! Life must be good if I can cook a meal tonight, even though I made a fucking mistake and I hope I won’t chuck my food in the bin. Maybe a bit of apricot flavour in my minced chicken will be ok, for a change. I’m making it with mashed potatoes. Yum yum yum! It’s raining as well, another good part of my reality.

I had a quick word with my support coordinator tonight. He’s worried about me and my other support worker quarrelling, and I’m concerned that I’m not getting enough physical exercise, and I’m frightened about a few things that I really need to be distracted from so I don’t feel so down. The support coordinator wants to keep my brain preoccupied with heaps of nicer things so that way when I spend time with my other support worker, we won’t quarrel all the time. We quarrelled at the doctors the other day, I’m sure I gave the doc red flags. Good!!!!!! I want attention and sympathy anyway. Why the fuck wouldn’t I want it considering I’m scared shitless about my eye implant and some other things. And my toe is finally better after five weeks of hurting on and off. OMG I feel heaps better for it. I can live with pain for quite a while before I start to complain. Eventually I get pissed off and I need to fix it, even threatening to yank the toenail away in front of the doctors. It already was sore anyway, what difference would it have made to hurt it more except that I wanted my toe to get better somehow? So anything would have been ok, so long as I could get rid of my annoying bloody irritation. I hate quarrelling with people, but when I’m crook in some fashion, eventually I feel worthless like my life is getting nowhere and I need something to do to preoccupy myself, as constantly dragging myself down just isn’t fixing my problems. Even when I talk to a psychologist, I still need to physically do something about my issues, and when I don’t know what to do, I just want to die because there’s no other way out of the predicament. I know I’m at the stage where I just want to rot away at home, and my support coordinator is aware of this because he won’t let me say anything about festering at home. He knows I’m concerned about J and his behaviour. He’s retarded and he needs a lot more help than a big discussion will do. Only a good meal and a good yarn will help me with issues! As much as I hate reality, I certainly won’t get better pretending to travel to other worlds and talking about unicorns. Maybe a pretend world is fine, but for me it’s entertainment and enjoyment, not denial of reality and its shitty frigging system. I’m just so glad I’ve got the concept of cooking now! I just need to get really fast when I cook a meal, and in no time I’ll be a pro. Stacey won’t know herself when she comes over next time. I think I’ll be making sweet and sour chicken, where you cut chicken breasts into four bits, then roll those in plain flour. Next you put olive oil into a big frying pan/electrical skillet. Same thing really. Toss the pieces around for about 15 minutes. Next add a few vegies, salt, pepper, spices, herbs etc. Then add a sweet and sour sauce, or add a third of a cup of vinegar to a tin of pineapple in juice, and fry for another 15 minutes. Of course you do this on a moderate heat to ensure the chicken pieces are thoroughly cooked through. Next you turn the heat down a little, to simmering point, then put the lid on your pan, if it comes with one. You leave it for about ten minutes, to soak in all the flavour and the juices. Meanwhile you mash some vegies if you’ve boiled/steamed them alongside your chicken dish. Then you serve it with vegie mash or rice. Yum yummmmm!!!!!! I must buy some chicken in a couple of weeks. Now that I know how to cook chicken properly, I love to cook chicken dishes. Now my unit smells like a fancy restaurant, and the good news is that I don’t have to go out to buy cooked meals! I love home-made food.

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