A lovely night, and some sickening news

Here we go: I’ll start with the good news first. I had a really good night with my support worker. I went to a big shopping centre and bought a few things. I got clothes which I’ll wash in the morning; I got three coffee mugs and my support worker wrapped them when we got home. I bought two pairs of togs so I can go swimming finally! And I got my toenails cut at a pedicure place. I got Hungry Jacks on my way home, and me and my support worker joked around a lot.

I want my life to be bright and happy. Most people in this world want this for me. But sadly, I’m very terrified to nausea right now. I’m so scared. My support worker said my right eye keeps leaking clear fluid. I got so upset. The support worker suggested I talk to a therapist; she doesn’t have any concern that I’m already going to speak to a psychologist from Guide Dogs. I also told her that a therapist isn’t going to change my reality and I don’t cope better, I should know because I’ve had psychological therapy in the past and I haven’t changed or coped with life any better. I also find she doesn’t accept my opinions about life, and she’s manipulating/coercing me into accepting changes in my life that I don’t want and I’m not comfortable with. She’s upset because my life is all about her thinking I need to be happy and loved, whereas I just want to be comfortable and not suffering from eye issues and other problems that I’ve suffered from in the past. My support worker won’t accept that I can only be happy if my life is going well. Generally, it is good. But hearing about bad things in my life really hurts me so much and I’m still expected to be happy. She is influenced by some religious people but that’s how she is. She’s upset that I don’t cope with life the way she does. Well I’m sorry but none of us are the same and I won’t be like her. I feel controlled, I feel manipulated, I feel so angry, offended, upset, worried, everything really. I guess you could say I’m ungrateful and a loser and all sorts. Ok, well… Maybe it’s true and you can think whatever you like about me. But the fact is, reality hasn’t changed and I’m happy about things in my life, but I’m not happy with life, generally speaking. A bottle of medication won’t change the fact. Yes it can dull my senses, but reality won’t change. And I’m not about to bandage my problems. I feel that my support worker doesn’t understand that I cope the way I do because I’m me, not anybody else. My support worker can’t accept that everyone can’t be happy or live with medical issues. Not all of us have it in us to deal with different things. As much as I really like my support worker, there’s a lot of things I won’t agree with her about. And she just doesn’t understand some things. Other than that, I’d like to say I’m all right. She thinks psychiatric people can fix problems, but they can’t. Therapy is meant to help with coping, but it fails with me. There’s a lot of things my support worker can’t accept about me. I’m frightened right now about my health. I’m very concerned that something isn’t right with me. Yes I’m sure my support worker wants to help me, but I also know that real life is very upsetting. I’m offended that my eye implant will have to be taken out and I’ll have an ugly face because my eye will be stitched shut. I feel so horrible about that. I won’t say I’m angry with my support worker because none of us knows everything. I am a little angry that she can expect me to live with problems on top of blindness; good luck to people who can. Tell me I’m selfish and bullshit, I don’t really care. I’m just telling the truth and you don’t have to like it. I don’t get anywhere with discussions with people because they’re so concerned about what they want for me instead of what I want. As much as my doctor and I disagree about a couple of things, for the most part she’s the most supportive person I know; I feel she’s the only person who respects my feelings and the way I choose to live. Maybe she doesn’t agree, but she does allow me te do what I want so long as I keep checking in with her.

I need to have a really big discussion with GDQ next year. As much as I want another guide dog, I need to talk about the possibility of not receiving a new dog. Maybe I can and will get a new guide dog, but due to some issues holding me back, I can’t see it happening soon. My biggest worry is my eye. I don’t know what to expect. I know I need guinicological issues to be investigated, and if I discover that they can be managed easily, then I’ll just move on. As for my eye, I’m worried sick about it. Yeah yeah… Maybe I’m being over-dramatic. But so what! I’m living with uncertainty and I don’t like it. I’ll be mentioning these concerns to my doctor and to Guide Dogs. I’m also going to mention a lot of other upsetting things to my doctor as well. She’s the only one I know who may be able to find ways for me to take painkillers with less side effects. Nobody can leave surgery in excessive pain. Nobody!!!!!! So I’m going to ask her a million questions and I’m also going to ask her to write me a letter so any of my support workers can’t control me and take over my life. I know how I want to live to enjoy myself and socialise and all sorts; and I know I want dignity during the worst times of my life, so I’m not about to let anybody make my decisions for me, be it about my life or my death. I want a happy life and I want full control over it, thank you.

At this moment I’m so anxious I feel as if I could take something to calm myself down. But I’m not suffering enough typical symptoms of severe panic/anxiety to do this. I’m awake, but I’m writing and I’m thinking clearly enough, too clearly to physically block out my anxiety symptoms. So I’m just going to keep writing, and eventually fall asleep. I need to relax, and reading and writing is the only way to do it. I really loved this pedicure place I went to tonight! I’d go back again. I miss the Guide Dogs staff and I can’t wait to get back into the program next year. I need to get O and M training started, gonna milk it for what it’s worth! I need any kind of happiness in life I can possibly get so I won’t give up. I may be judged for what I believe and everything, but that’s no skin off my nose, I know everybody gets judged. I also know that people can only care so much. Besides help and support, people are all about living through whatever good and bad circumstances. Well I’m sorry, I don’t think that way. I’m happy with the good circumstances. I’m not happy to live with bad circumstances. I don’t learn lessons from bad experiences unless I’ve brought them onto myself. If I can’t control the circumstances, then I don’t learn from them. I so damn hope my right eye is ok. I think having the implant taken out will make my face horrible, so I don’t want it out. This is what I hate about disability workers, they all think they know what’s good for me. Well they aren’t blind, so they wouldn’t have a bloody clue. I detest the way most people think they know how I feel and what I want in life. I can’t wait to tell the Guide Dogs psychologist this.

I hope tomorrow is a better day. J and V, the two people who cause trouble for many people, are trying to keep me in their lives. I don’t know what to do about that. They’re very demanding and V loses her temper whenever she can’t get her own way. I don’t have any other friends in this world, so I know I’m a hopeless case. Most people say they care, but really they don’t. People are usually concerned about themselves. I know once I lose control of my life I’ll stop eating and drinking. Someone else can live my difficult life for me. They’ll soon change their tune and let me go peacefully once they realise I’m too difficult to look after and care for. My Mum had arguments with a lot of people about me when I was a kid, and now I’m coming to the same conclusions as her. As for J and V, I’m hiding from them. As much as I want to try and be friendly to them, they cause a lot of difficulty for me and are so disrespectful and high-strung and everything. I must say they’re as nasty as each other. I hope to stay away from them, every time I hear them I’m just going to block them out as though I’d never met them. I don’t think they really care about me at all. Besides all that, I’m glad to be at home in my own space. I’ll be entertaining myself with my phone for the rest of the night.

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