Full speed ahead

Well, what a drama the past week has been! My stomach has been playing up since the 17th of November. Antibiotics haven’t completely resolved my stomach issues. I’m on Day 5 of antibiotics today, and since I’m seeing a new doctor tomorrow, I can’t stop taking them until she finds out what’s going on. I keep getting diarrhoea and intermittent stomach ache. I can eat better than I did two days ago. My problem is I’m not getting my appetite back properly and I eat better sometimes and not so well at other times. I haven’t done a lot of walking either. I’m slowly losing energy.

The other thing that bugs me is the implant in my arm. My periods are returning, so I want the bar removed. I don’t want my periods to come back so I want something done to prevent them from coming back. I will soon start painkillers for each period again so I find it to be a problem. The pill won’t fix it; I want no painkillers every month and no bleeding trouble. I hate dismissive doctors. I know they’re more concerned about their pay packet if they don’t care about my issues I present to them. The doc I saw last week is a bit of a twat, he didn’t even do any tests to see if antibiotics would be the correct treatment or not. He didn’t even try to refer me onto another doctor when I told him I think my periods are returning. And he wants me to die so he can say he’s sorry that I got ill and he wasn’t expecting me to die, while secretly he doesn’t give a fuck! He claims to care and want people to survive, but in reality he’s far from truthful. I even told the wanker that he can’t and won’t help me, and he didn’t really like that because it’s true and he didn’t want to accept it. Well I’ll be honest and say I couldn’t care less about what happens. We’ve all got to die of something at some point. I think suffering is worse than death but there’s too many religious nuts in the world who don’t even recognise cruelty for what it is. Well they can shove their ever-loving sadistic god us their arse. Keep your sadistic religious beliefs to yourself. I want a comfortable life thank you.

For the past week I’ve been making decisions about my future. I can’t see myself surviving many more birthdays, so I’m just going to live to enjoy myself as much as I can. Maybe I’ve just had bad medical care from fake doctors or incompetent doctors most of the time, and maybe if I find a proper doctor, I’ll probably live a long life. But at this time, I’m not seeing much of a future. I know I can’t see and don’t have a life. My life isn’t as good as a sighted person’s life, and with all the help in the world, I still have a pretty crappy life. Support workers are great; they make sure I enjoy myself as much as I can. But if I was fully sighted I’d live better. I’m sure mental illness is just as bad as blindness, so if I had full sight I’d hope not to have mental issues. But since I can’t see, if I die tomorrow the world won’t miss me. Just the typical ‘oh she was a good person’ ritual and the crying and laughing as people grieve. It’s nothing new or special. Everyone has someone who goes to their funeral to put the deceased relative or friend on a pedestal. I’m sure that maybe one or two people will say I had a lot to offer the world, but most people will just notice that a normal person has died and I’ll be forgotten after a week. I don’t have any valuable commitments to keep living for. Hiking is good exercise and hanging out at the library is fantastic! But there’s nothing of high impact that really stands out in my life for people to notice if I die soon. Any comments people make goes right over my head because they just say things to be polite. Life is really good if you can see and don’t have other mental and physical disabilities. I’ll just be as comfortable as I can and whatever happens will be. I at least want to know what I’m living with and how long I’ll suffer for.

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