Sometimes life stinks

Well here I am! Wondering about my quality of life. wondering if I can manage or if I should put myself in a nursing home. Or, it just from being too distracted? If not, what else is wrong? I sat around for a while before going outside. Then me and K started talking and she came over. We had potatoes and lamb chops so she wouldn’t have to worry about a meal tonight. At the start all was well. I got us tea and hot chocolate. Too much milk and not enough hot water. I let that slide.

After our first drink, I made another one. I had to throw a cup in the bin because there was a crack in it. I quickly cleaned up. All good. No more washing till Thursday. All good there! Next: Make a hot chocolate, then I realise: I didn’t boil the jug first after refreshing the water. I poured the old water out and put new water in. Why did I then think I’d boiled the water? What!!!!!!? I’d been in the kitchen at this point for thirty-five minutes doing the dishes while K talked on and on. The issue isn’t that K doesn’t talk about anything different. Every day never changes; K talks about the same old thing. Over and over and over again. There are intermitent changes in topic, but usually the same discussions are repeated like Groundhog Day. I can’t blame her, she litterally has no life. She’s severely intellectually disabled and although she can speak, you can’t have an intelligent conversation with her. K will listen to other conversations that people engage in, but she rarely keeps up. She does try really hard to keep up with the rest of society, to no avail.

The last straw for me was pouring cold water in to my cup of hot chocolate. I told K that I hope Diabetes isn’t slowly coming on, and also that it wasn’t something else, but my brain just was not working any more. I had to break the news to K that I want to wait till Friday to speak to her. I had her understand it wasn’t her, it was just me needing time to myself. My brain had quit at that point so I forced myself to dry alb the dishes. Then I slowly made a new cup of hot chocolate, and finally made it properly. I can’t decide if it’s me not concentrating properly or what it is. I’m wasting my time going to the doctor because I asked about it a couple of years ago, and I’m sure I asked a few times before that, just at random times you know… And the doctor just says oh, well we all forget things. The rest of my family and most friends agree with the ‘diagnosis’. J wonders if my brain is working too, but then he says later, that I’m fine and just don’t worry about it. The Centacare people have seen what I’m like, and they put it down to just having to remember too many things at once and doing too much without pausing for a minute or two, and the fact that I’m not seeing what I’m doing so I can’t just look to remind myself. And maybe other people distract me without knowing it. Yeah true, but I can’t be rude to people, can I? I don’t know really… I had to admit today that I’m only capable of helping one person at a time. So maybe next time I’ll do peoples’ food and drink separately and see how I go. It may take longer but I’ll try out the idea and see if I concentrate better.

I rang K to let her know of my idea. She’s concerned about me as well. But if she comes around on Friday at four o’clock in the afternoon, I’ll test my idea when Stacey is here too, just to be sure I can work myself out better by preparing one meal and drink at a time. I’ll be ringing Pizza Hut and I can’t wait to eat pizza! I won’t be cooking much this week. I’ll only do simple things like fried meat and boiled vegies. I’m refusing to do anything difficult until next week! My brain has to get around all this food preparation crap before I jump into deep water. I really need Guide Dogs to let me know when they’re starting cooking classes so I can enroll. I will never know if the classes will benefit me until I go along and see what happens. And hey! If it comes down to me stressing out, then that’s something isn’t it? Maybe I may have to ask people to stop talking to me while I’m concentrating so I won’t make heaps of mistakes. And I hate to have to do this, but I may have to measure milk into a jug, then put that into my big cups of hot chocolate to get the right amount in my drinks every time. What a lot of mucking around! But sometimes you have to change how to do things in order to succeed.

I think I may just go to bed soon. I have nothing else to do today. I just have washing to tumble-dry, then I’m sorted for the week. I’m so bored because I can’t walk around. But at the same time I just want want to go to bed and read journals and crap all night. Crap as in, any old shit that I find on the Internet, my iBooks, etc. If J calls me, I guess I can walk up to his unit and chitchat. Êut he’s always with that other freak, V. She doesn’t like that he has friends. Well tough luck dog! Anyway, she’s not in my life, so who gives a fuck. I like my friends so I may just decide at the last minute not to go to bed. But who knows?

I’m planning on going to the library on Tuesday and Wednesday. I’m going to charge up my portable battery for my phone so when I’m at the shops for lunch on Wednesday, I can buy a bottle of water or something else depending on how much water I’ve consumed, then I’ll relax for three hours at the library. I want to get a lot of reading done. I have a lot of iTunes books which I haven’t finished reading yet, so I want to get through as many of these books as I can. Next Tuesday I’ll check out YuouTube videos, and if I don’t find anything interesting, I’ll go to the Watch Later section and listen to some videos and delete the ones that no longer interest me. When YouTube has done its dash for me, I’ll just go back to the books. There’s no point in buying a whole books if I’m not going to read them. Next Wednesday won’t work because of O and M, but I’ll go to the library most weeks on Tuesday and Wednesday until my plans change once more.


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