Time to vent

I cooked lamb chops for dinner. They were delicious! There’s only one thing that failed me, and that was a little too much oil. While I felt that the scrambled eggs were delicious mixed with peas, corn and onion, I did not like that each mouthful was dripping with grease. Next time I’ll use a lot less oil, as I couldn’t finish tonight’s dinner, I ate some of it and threw the rest in the bin. Luckily J had brought some cooked fish home. Now I’m going to whinge. Today was a rant and rambling about this and that. Tonight is a vent.

As much as I love cooking, I hate how something ALWAYS goes wrong. It’s like clockwork. I don’t know a time where I did everything right. Roast chicken? Chicken too dry, but nice. Steak and vegies? Steak too cold after sitting on the bench for nearly half an hour after being cooked, while I wait for the vegies to steam till cooked. Chops and eggs? Replace with bacon, if you will. Too much oil. Curried sausages? Serve out a meal and some other people if they want some. Food spilled all over the bench and sauce a little runny. By the way, I don’t cook slow cooked meals very well either. Too little flavour. Too much liquid. Time to start spewing now… But actually I won’t spew. I just hate doing something wrong… Every. Single. I. Cook! My mouth doesn’t even taste like food. It tastes like oil. I could eat a better take-away meal. I’m hoping I’ll cook properly one day. I’m going to whinge for two hours at the OT about this.

I’m going to steam some potatoes to go with my chops tomorrow. I can’t possibly get that wrong! I’ll cut a sweet potato and two normal potatoes and steam them. I’ll have that and see how I go. I can’t eat a full meal any more because I don’t like how I cook. I wonder if a lot of other people are in the same boat? But still, wasting a meal you only like part of is pretty disturbing for me. I’m glad I take Vitamins now. I’m probably full of oil and I wouldn’t be surprised if it turns to concrete one day. I hope it doesn’t sit in my intestines for so long. I’m starting to wonder now if I should continue to cook. I can do everything well except I can’t tell how much oil is going into the pan. Oil tastes yucky when there’s too much of it. I could use no oil, but then the food sticks. I just can’t work out how much is too much, until it is too late of course. I hope next time will be better. Maybe I should practice the same meal over and over again till I get it right. Since this is the case, I shall skip out the potato, and I’ll try my hand at scrambled eggs with peas and corn and onion. I hope I use not too much oil. I hope I’ll be able to eat all the meal without feeling squeamish.

Actually, this is my biggest problem with being TB, it takes me twice as fucking long to learn anything. I’m sure that’s why some people think I’m intellectually impaired. This isn’t the case however. I have to learn everything by feel, and because I I can’t see anything, I have to use my hands to explore everything. So I miss a lot of information. I spill things. I fucking drop and loose things! God fucking damn it! That’s blindness for you. Maybe a few of you know what I’m talking about. What I really hate is that I cope so well until something happens and the world as I know it, crashes around me suddenly. I seriously want to smash my head against a brick wall when I fail every day. We’re supposed to learn from failure. But in my case, I physically can’t learn! I can’t see so I keep failing, all because I can’t tell that I’ve poured the oil too quickly, or I’ve poured water from the kettle and it has totally missed the frigging cup or mug! Stuff like this really pisses me off. I’m sure if any of you were to try a meal, you’d most likely gag and throw the food away. There would always be something to complain about. I know it should be as easy as saying, ok then, cook it yourself if you don’t like it! But it’s not. I really do fuck up my meals. Even when I make hot drinks, I stuff up. I get chocolate or coffee all over the bench. I can just imagine my veins all full of rubbish right now because of how I eat meals with too much grease. I hope my arteries aren’t dirty because they’ll need to be cleared out so I can live till I’m a hundred. I’ve read some recipes in an old Braille cookbook, and man some of these foods sound like mouthfuls of grease to me! I’ll only try making a few of the recipes. I don’t like dried-out shit, but greasy food is crap too. The fact that I feel like I swim against the current every day because of blindness really sucks too. I’ve been completely blind since I was born but I still bloody struggle. I feel like I’m only doing well according to my circumstances. If I could see and I made all the same mistakes and struggled just as much, I’d be considered low-functioning. So that should tell you something. If only I could take photos and show my OT all the shit she doesn’t see! Ah yes! She will see me bugger up with the oil when I fry chicken schnitzel. I hope she has a trick for greasing a pan without pouring too much oil out at once. I really fucking hope so! I just want to cook properly, that’s all I’m asking for. I cooked a good potato bake last week. I hope the next one is just as good. I just want one cooking expedition to go right for a change.

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One Response to “Time to vent”

  1. tiostib Says:

    Yes, blindness sucks, but learning to live independently is its own reward.

    Liked by 1 person

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