Much better!

I spent the past half an hour searching for more blogs. For some weird reason, as much as some people do brilliant poems, I prefer reading blogs with a bit of all types of writing, not just poetry. And here I am, subscribing to blogs with all sorts of adventurous posts, ranging from fancy poems, graphics which voice-over can’t read, to block writing. I wanted to do a lot of reading today but have decided to wait until I’m at the library so I won’t use all my data. So instead I’m doing an entry. I slept really well last night. I woke up bright and early this morning and was out of bed by 7:30. I had toast with chicken and potato bake, and a cuppa. I mixed coffee and hot chocolate together. Yum! After that I went to the shops to have a mug of hot chocolate and a sausage roll. I spent a couple of hours at the shops before coming home. I had some cold drinks while making more ice all afternoon. My freezer is gradually unloading as I eat frozen meals and thaw meat in the fridge for cooking, so I’ve added an extra container of ice to the freezer so I don’t have to keep turning the ice machine on every day. I will be going back to the shops in a while because I want to spend a couple of hours reading at the library. I’m sick of YouTube so I’m giving it a break for a while. The library is the most relaxing place for me to read and write without distractions. I’ll come home, cook dinner while doing a recording, then I’ll upload it next time I go to the Library again. After what the OT has done to help me with independent living here, I really like cooking! I don’t do anything to a time limit any more except where the oven and slow cooker are concerned, everything else is done by feel. My ice machine is working perfectly as well so I’ve got it very easy at the moment. The difficulties will start again when I get a private dentist to tell me some bad news about my teeth, and when it comes to buying new clothes. I’d much prefer to shed twenty kilograms (don’t know how to convert to pounds sorry, before buying new clothes as I don’t want to go above Size 16. That’s Australian size, I have no idea how to convert that to international specifications. I don’t care about looking like an exact figure, I just want to fit into clothes nicely without having to buy bigger and bigger sizes. Other than that I’m happy with who I am. Most of my family won’t accept me for who I am, I have to be a certain body image, weight etc, or they oestracise me. Well I’m not concerned considering my life is about me and my opinions, not everyone else’s approval and opinion ratings. If this is all people want to think about when they look at me, they can get a life! I have better things to do than look for praise and approval. If I wanted such acceptance, firstly I’d ask for it, secondly I’d get a bloody job. Maybe I’ve got a job as a blogger, but it’s voluntary because I don’t get paid. But at least it’s my choice to write a blog. At least I dom’t beg for approval. I’m perfectly good at approving of what I do. But when I’m forced to look for acceptance and approval, I get really offended because it’s like I’m not wanted if I don’t live up to the expectations of others. This is why I can’t stand my family because if I don’t conform to their opinions and values, I’m not one of them. Well, they aren’t my true family. They’re related to me by blood only. I’m only doing what suits me with my lifestyle and some family members wonder why I disown them when they bully me. I can’t even ring Mum because she’ll start carrying on and we’ll start fighting about a lot of things not worth arguing over. Mum can’t take no for an answer, everything I won’t talk about has to be turned into a psychiatric issue, an emotional problem, lack of acceptance, a reason to get angry, another reason to blame me or someone else for something that happened ages ago, and so on. All I’m saying is, Mum I don’t want to talk about XYZ today. That’s all it fucking is for crying out loud! Of course we’ll start discussing dramas with the rest of the family, which to a degree Mum is right. The rest of my family can be misery guts and drama queens. But seriously let’s just talk about the weather and what clothes we like to buy. Why does the conversation have to be an argument or a long diatribe about negative stuff, over and over and over? Mum knows the family won’t change, so let’s just forget about the shit we can’t fix and move on! I can stick up for myself very well and if I want my family members to stop jawing on at me, I’ll tell them to their faces how stupid they’re being. I don’t care about everyone’s feelings about how I choose to live, because they aren’t living my life. So long as I don’t try to hurt or kill myself, just get over it. Accidents happen, they can happen anywhere. But you don’t see me spiking food and beverages with poison, you don’t see me stepping in front of oncoming traffic on purpose, so my family just needs to take a chill pill. As for gaining and losing weight, that’s mô own personal choice and I won’t have ANYBODY telling me what my decisions will be or how I choose to live. I can’t BELIEVE my family can be like that. Now I understand what one of my cousins is going through properly, so next time I’m bullied or pressured to conform, I’m going to have a go at someone.

Anyway, my life is stress-free for the time being, so I think I’m getting somewhere with putting myself in order. I’m a bit pissed off that my water purifier still isn’t installed and I can’t contact a plumber. But I can still go out and come home to a nice unit and eat good food and relax most of the time. What I will be doing is cracking down on harrassment and bullying. I don’t care how much of a rift I create with my family, being nice is actually making the situation worse because some people aren’t taking any notice of what I’m saying and they’re retaliating with abuse if they can’t get me to see eye to eye with them. I’m going to have it out with my grandparents especially. They have no fucking right to treat me as they do and turn around and abuse me when I tell them to back off. I’m going to ring them on the weekend and make sure if they don’t quit their shitty ideas with me, they’ll regret it. I’m going to swear at them eventually. They’re very hurtful and I won’t tolerate horrible people. I’ll remind them of how disgraceful they are because when we have discussions, I get dismissed or bullied. Enough is enough, I’m going to nip it in the bud and if the family still keeps on causing difficulties with me, I’m disowning them. I do everything I can to get relatives to accept that I’m living my life and I’m getting nowhere. So that’s it. I’ll simply tell people to stop harrassing me or leave me alone. If they try to get outside parties involved I’m going to make sure they never hear from me again. I’ll change my phone number. I hate the idea of doing this, but I need to protect my dignity. It could backfire as the property manager may give my new number to my mother. So I won’t change it unless my grandparents force me to. It’ll have to be a really bad situation for me to change my phone number. So let’s hope some of my relatives don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. I can’t believe I’m 33 and my elderly grandparents are treating me so badly and acting like I’m still a five-year-old, disrespecting my decisions, being very offensive at me to show their disapproval, using physical/verbal abuse to try to make me comply with demands and expectations, etc. They’re very very nasty and rude and have been that way ever since I’ve known them, which is all of their lives. They can be very nice, I’ve been with them when they’re lovely and polite. But when they haven’t got their way, they change immediately and you’re left wondering just who these people are. They can’t just say, well I don’t agree with your lifestyle, but ok. No, they have to erupt and use any means at their disposal, to change your mind or your ways. Fuck them, I’m gonna set the record straight and I’d love to see a few proverbial bombs blow up. I shouldn’t be excited to drop a bomb shell because this is my family, but if only you knew, is all I can say. They deserve what’s coming. I’m not just going to sit back and let this crap continue.

It’s now 4 pm and I’m at the library. I spent fifteen minutes browsing YouTube but couldn’t find anything interesting, so have given up on it. So I’ve decided to write a bit more, publish this blog and read. I showed someone how voice-over works on my phone and got back to business. I love socialising, and I would have left my headphones unplugged to let some people hear voice-over reading to me, but I’m concerned that someone will complain at the staff and they’ll come and insist that I use headphones. Most folks are wondeful to be around but you can never get away from the few whingers who spoil the fun for the rest of us. I feel like I need a bit more silence right now but you don’t see me blowing a fuse do you? God! I’m having fun sitting on the couch while I entertain myself with the phone. I’m amazed at how good phones are now. Five years ago I hardly ever used my phone to write emails and blogs. Now I never use my laptop for anything. My phone is my mini laptop haha! It’s just so easy to take my phone with me and write emails, blog posts, search the Net etc, and I hardly have to drop my life commitments just to do anything really. Just grab my phone and there you go! Read or type away within seconds of retrieving the phone. Then simply stuff the phone back in its place in the backpack. I remember I couldn’t just sit anywhere to write. I’d have to sit at home with the computer or take it to a powerpoint and put the laptop on a desk. But now, I can just hold my phone and read and write. I never used to read books all the time, they had to be in Braille. Now I can read at any time of the day or night. I can buy a book and read it. I have hundreds of books in the iBooks app which I can read at my leissure. Voice-over plays up sometimes but for the most part, I can read the same books as anyone else. I so can’t wait to get a new phone, I’m going to buy the biggest memory storage I can get so I can put heaps more music and books in the phone. My books are in iCloud at the moment. As soon as I get my new phone set up, I’ll be re-downloading all my books and sitting at the library twice a week until I get through all of them. I hope there’s some interesting videos on YouTube soon too. I hate it when I find nothing interesting to listen to because then I have to suffer from boredom for days or weeks until new videos are put on YouTube. I love reading blogs and books, but sometimes I have to listen to videos.”.

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