overcoming psychiatric trouble… And acceptance

My day is going all right. My teeth are playing up a bit, but nobody can fix my problems so what do you expect? Other than that, I’m healthy enough. Nan and Pop are concerned about me. I really think they’re trying to live my life, but once again, when have they not tried to run my life and live through me? I know it’s their way of showing me affection, I just can’t cope with being smothered like that. I had a long discussion with Nan. She won’t accept that I’ve made the decision to refuse medical care so that I can survive until my number is up, but I don’t want medical intervention to save my life. She won’t accept me for who I am. I know I shouldn’t hate her but I do. Hate is a strong word, but I can’t deny how I feel. I’m alive because other people want me here. It’s not about me. It’s all about them. I’m going to set up a directive with a DNR order and a refuse medical care declaration. I do not like doctors, do not trust doctors, and do not respond to most medical treatments. I’m going to have another long discussion with my grandparents in two weeks. My family has never respected my wishes to die with dignity, and I expect they never ever will. But even so, they will find out where I stand, and they don’t have to agree with me. I don’t really care either. I’m also disappointed that suicide isn’t legal. While I can’t agree with committing suicide in every case, there are times where suicide is warranted. I just want my family to be aware of my decision to refuse medical care. They know I don’t want to keep living when I feel too uncomfortable one day. They know I don’t feel safe around doctors. I’m certain I’ve developed psychiatric problems since my last doctor’s visit. The doctor caused them. I’m sure there has to be real doctors out there who may even change my mind. Maybe, just maybe, something will occur which will change my position and my current opinions. Possibly. Maybe my new doctor will come up with a treatment plan which I really like and I may not sign a DNR form. But, if after some lengthy discussions, I still feel the same as I do today, I’m not going to allow my family to change my mind. They are my family, but they don’t live my life. Family members are offended at me because I don’t care about my survival. Well, I’m offended at them that they don’t care enough about me to respect my decisions. I’m really hurt that my family won’t support me. Most doctors don’t respect me either. Nobody admits it, but my suffering on and off is just entertainment to be enjoyed all because I’m blind and let’s see how long we can keep Michelle alive for. Let’s see how far we can push her before she complains and sticks up for herself. This is how my family is towards me. The family members who do support me get bullied and oestracised by the rest of my family. It’s disgusting. All I want to do is to enjoy my life normally, as I do today, until such time as I wish to stop living. That’s all I’m asking for. Yes there’s a lot of grey areas. Yes, there are things I’m not aware of in which I may turn around tomorrow and insist that I want to live for a really long time into my hundreds. I know all of that! But at the moment I’m overwhelmed and far too insecure with myself to accept differently. I’m actually like that with most areas of my life, but especially with medical stuff and doctors. I did get Nan to accept that I need to feel comfortable and safe with the right type of doctor who knows what they’re doing, isn’t nasty to patients and other doctors, who wants to help me instead of kill me, etc. So she does accept that part of my reason for refusing medical treatment is because of some bad doctors who should be fucking jailed. But what she can’t accept is that I have a life and I don’t want to suffer. But framed in a different way, she understands and accepts what I want.

for the time being I’m enjoying my life. I texted my brother to let him know I’m ok as well. I said I’d be visiting the family at some point next year. Guide Dogs will do orientation lessons around a hotel of my choosing, so every time I go to Cairns I can book a room at the same hotel every time. Then I can visit people as I please. I just want people to realise that I can only cope so much until I snap. I feel so untrusting about different things right now. I see nothing wrong with entertaining myself, I just am not in a good place to be hanging out with people when I haven’t got hardly any money to spend on myself let alone a good meal out. It makes me feel much worse when people take a no answer to mean I couldn’t give a fuck about anybody. Not true AT ALL!!!!!!! The fact is, sometimes I need down time, sometimes I don’t. And sometimes, I need to work on my own priorities first before relaxing at the pool side, going to my local RSL Club, and jamming with friends. Why is it that when I put my priorities first especially when I have important projects lined up for a very good reason, that suddenly I’m the worst friend on earth? Well thanks a lot then! I try to be a good friend and because we’re all human, when I have a hard time temporarily, I’m just not good enough as a friend. God! I’m not Super Woman! I’m just so sad that I have to be judged like this. It’s not like I’m spending $500 a week on smokes and alcohol. I don’t smoke or drink anyway, but if I was doing that I’d understand being disliked. For heaven’s fucking sakes, I’m getting judged for putting my health and home first, for standing up for my choices about my future, and all I ever do is try to be friendly. Oh well. I know I can’t please everyone. But that’s not the issue. My issue is the way people treat me when I’ve got very little money. Yeah, I just want sympathy. No, if I wanted sympathy, I’d ask people if they want to have a drink and a meal with me. I’d chitchat to people. I’d sit outside and listen as neighbours chitchat and learn something new. But as soon as I say, no I want to stay home for a month, I have some home improvement projects, need down time, and have no extra money to spend, HOLY ―- SHIT! Stuff her, she’s a poor whiner. Well that just shows how much some of my friends care. And someone (no names), has the hide to bloody tell me to put off my home improvement idea! Ah, hang on. Does she control my money? No! So why the freaking hell is so-and-so telling me how to run my home? Yes she’s trying to be helpful. But again, she’s basically saying, fuck you! You’re the one spending your money so don’t whinge at me! If only she knew what total blindness was like. If only she knew that her lack of understanding about my situation makes me whinge even more. And if only she knew, that put in my situation, she’d be jumping up and down screaming. Not just whinging. I feel very bad for this person. But I’m also very upset that she judges me because I’m poor because of setting up a TV, food processor, and water purifier.

Obviously I don’t have these things set up yet, but they soon will be. I’m so shocked that as soon as people know you’ve spent a lot of time and money sorting yourself out, people turn and bolt because the way you happen to live doesn’t suit them. Un-fucking-believable! Talking of friends, thanks for following my blog, peeps. You really do make my day. And I love reading blogs, could read all day and all night. Secondary to music is reading. I spen nearly all of last night reading, and I finally finished another book in iBooks. I am so addicted to that app. I’m going to read another book later. I’m also going to walk to the shops tomorrow. I can’t stand to sit around! I’m going to buy some diced onion and diced bacon for making potato bake on Tuesday. I’m ringing Centacare as well. Next Tuesday I’m picking up the food processor and TV, and if I haven’t gotten a hold of a plumber by then, me and my support worker are gonna look for one. I just wanna sort all this shit out ASAP so I can spend time relaxing and I don’t have to spend a bloody fortune on things every fortnight. It just sucks that some items are necessary for me to live my life safely, and as soon as money is involved, the fights start. Well, I can’t hel being blind and I can’t help that I live on a fucking pension can can I? And I can’t just sit there and do no exercise and never socialise. But I also can’t spend big wads of dollars when I go out. Yet for some reason, I bring judgement on myself because some people can’t get it through their thick heads that unlike them, I’d like to go on a holiday sometimes, so I can’t always spend money because I MUST eat lunch so they won’t feel offended that I’m not eating while they’re eating. For God’s sake when can I do what I want to do? When can I say, no sorry, I have some crap to sort out next week and I have to stay home for now. When can I say, sorry but I’ve spent a fortune on XYZ, so I can’t come out to dinner tomorrow night. Like seriously! Why can’t people accept that sometimes I’m going to say no. And it’s not because I dislike them, want to live in isolation, am acting depressed and just can’t fathom going out, would rather be bored than live a constructive lifestyle. Want to be lazy. Choose not to work. Well, in a way I have chosen not to work, but it’s not quite as simple as not wanting to work. But no, I’m not just staying home for all these shitty reasons people conjure up in their minds. Just Goddammed accept that my life does come first, and as much as I love people, hanging out with them isn’t fixing my personal life! Relationships are important. But so is taking a look at myself and fixing things in my life and home too. The Fairy Godmother isn’t going to do it for me.

So I’ll be walking to the shops tomorrow. I’ll be sitting around for a while because I know I still have to walk home, so I’ll get some exercise. I’ll probably write another blog and read. I’ve exhausted my YouTube viewing for quite a while. I’ve searched for new and interesting videos to listen to, but haven’t found any that I like. So reading and blogging it is. And as soon as I’ve got the hang of my route to my hair-dresser, I’ll be walking to and from there every day, just for practice. I will have an excuse to create a really long walk! I can go to the hair-dresser first and them go back to the shops to sit in the library for three hours! Or the other way around if I want. Wow this is awesome! After I learn this travel route, I’m going to start train travel practice. Can’t wait! Next year I’m going to nag Guide Dogs until they let put my name down for a new dog. My brother is right to encourage me to get a new dog. Dogs are like little kids, but they’re smart when they want to be lol. Plus they’re good company. How many times have I said that? Probably a million times… But it’s true. I’m also going to insist that I learn more routes in the meantime, I’m more physically active than just travelling to and from three different destinations. I’d prefer to go out every day for the whole day if I can. I’m going to get a swimming program started as well. All this bullshit do-nothing life is getting to me. Here I am pissed off about being judged, and now I’m judging myself haha! At least I know what I’m like and I can do heaps better than people would like to think. Pulling a few more teeth out will be a good start, then fixing my left eye and finding medicines that work after surgery will be great too. Yeah, when I suffer I look for drugs. Because I fucking don’t like pain. It’s not up to the doctor to decide how much pain I can tolerate. I’ll just keep changing doctors till I find one who suits me. That’s what other ailing people do, and I ain’t any different. Anyway, for now I’m ok. I have Centacare and GDQ on side so things can only go uphill from here.

I was reading a blog post today, it had some comments about people talking to the carer or companion of the blind/disabled person. Oh my God I forgot to vent about this yesterday! Yeah, this really makes me angry. I know what it’s like, fucking bloody frustrating! People can be so frigging twisted. I’m supposed to accept that there’s people who act like this, they’re everywhere. Yeah well, I won’t accept it. People have no bloody right to overlook disabled people like that! I don’t even treat people differently if they can’t talk. I talk to both the person and the carer. I know the carer/other companion becomes that person’s mouthpiece. But I still interact normally with that person. We may modify communication a little to suit the person’s disabilities, but I still treat them as I would any other person. If the person speak but has trouble communicating, I just respect what they want, such as speaking to their companion if that’s what they want, or whatever the case may be. I have no fucking idea why people have such a hard time understanding this concept. There’s reallô no excuse mistreating a disabled person in such a fashion. If you don’t want to accept their disability, that’s fine, just don’t be horrible and make them feel worse! It’s hard enough living with a disability without pushing one’s inadequacies onto them. A disability doesn’t make someone less of a person.

My phone is about to die but I don’t want to stop writing just yet. I’ve plugged my phone into the charger because my battery is fucked and the smart case only helps me out so much. I imagine people must take forever to read my posts, but this is how much I love writing! I can write all day. I’m not so much into poetry, but simply writing in straight prose and putting my thoughts to paper, blog in this case, is my idea of a pastime. It’s a bit hard to get bored when I can walk around and also read all day. Ah well, I suppose I should just let people think what they like. Which usually I do. But as soon as I get treated like a needy attention-seeker because I’ve said no to an outing, well that’s when I get shitty. I read a lot of posts and think crap! How do you live like that? But I’m not living everyone else’s lives, so even though I wonder, I still feel that people can’t live the same lifestyle so we all don’t have to agree with everyone else. At the same time, I still like reading what other people have to say otherwise I’d never bloody learn anything! If I’m really uncomfortable, I just skip over posts until another day. I never expect people to delete blog sites or posts just because I don’t like something. I feel sorry for anyone who feels terrible about writing. My advice is don’t listen to what people tell you, it’s your blog. Maybe they should close their blog and delete it if they want to bully others like that. Get a life! As for the rest of today, I’ll be drinking a coffee soon, and socialising. And possibly eating, I don’t know. I’ll be relaxing for the evening and may spend all night reading, I haven’t decided on that yet. I had something else in mind to write about now, but I damn well can’t think of what it is. These mental blanks really annoy me. Ah well, if I think of it, I’ll come back to write more soon. I’ll definitely write tomorrow.


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