Warning: very long and may be offensive to some viewers

The hot weather is slowly creeping in. Everything is ok with my life generally, but it’s completely stalled at this time. Generally speaking, I still enjoy cooking. I still love to read my books. And, when it comes to going to the shops to buy groceries, I love to walk, rather than cab it, to the shops. So yeah, generally I’m doing fine. I’ve got friends to talk to in person and over the phone, and I have a really wonderful support worker who helps me SO MUCH!!!!!!!!! I’t accept offers of food and drink at any time, but usually if I can manage, I try to pay my way as much as possible. I don’t have the capacity to work so this is the situation I’m in. Not everyone can work. It sucks to be honest, but to sound cornish, I should be lucky I don’t work because anyone would kill for my lazy lifestyle. Not true in reality of course, but anything to soothe an angry soul is better than thinking of stinky reality sometimes. Besides some remaining happiness in my life, here is where my situation fucks me up majorly and I’m litterally stuck like someone frozen in ice. And here’s where the shit hits the fan for me.

Luckily it’s too hot for me to walk to the shops today, so I’m just sitting around today and tomorrow. And possibly Monday as well. But I really do have to get a couple of things from the shops on Tuesday morning. My OT is coming around to make sure I’m ok with working with a boiling hot oven. I’m going to make potato bake and see how I go. I think I make food dishes too runny or too dry and burnt. And even the potato is only just cooked enough to be edible. I seriously fucking suck at using my oven! K just left my place, we had chicken and mashed vege for dinner. I cleaned out my fridge just now and I’ve decided to continue with microwaving frozen meals without thawing first. So much good food went to waste. I hate how people come over and show no appreciation for how much food I waste. Most people act like the food in my fridge just isn’t good enough for their rich platter tastes. Ok, so buy the food and cook it yourself then. I’ll happily eat a microwaved meal and/or a meal from yesterday’s dinner, any day. I hate buying food on top of what I’ve already got at home! Perfectly good food that hasn’t gone bad yet and yet we must, MUST, buy extra food that MUST be eaten tonight and leftovers thrown out tomorrow??? What!!!??? Rich people seriously don’t know how to savour a meal! Not every single rich person, but most of them. Let’s have a piping hot meal tonight and whatever’s left, let’s waste it. Oh my God! I feel sick knowing how much food went in the bin. I can understand big businesses wasting food because you can’t legally sell day-old food even if it’s safe to eat for most people. All sorts of people go through the doors of big businesses and chefs can’t decide who can and cannot eat certain foods. But in the home, people who just chuck out fresh cooked food that wasn’t eaten are just plain greedy! I know every situation is different, but seriously as a general rule, don’t Goddamned waste fresh food! I don’t buy food to waste just because someone wants food that suits their ungrateful butt, while food is sitting in the fridge waiting to be eaten. If ungrateful butthead doesn’t want my food, they can pay for, and cook, their own bloody meals for all I care! And keep the take-away oily shitty mouldy food to themselves too. I don’t eat mouldy, plastic food. I like fresh food, and if there’s food left after eating a meal, I like to eat it tomorrow as well. I like to eat it all before it goes bad. I took a friend’s suggestion on board today. Just microwave a meal immediately. Guide Dogs microwaves frozen meals that catering people make up. There’s nothing wrong with the food either. I think anyone who intentionally wastes food is ungrateful and selfish. I feel terrible when I waste food and do everything to avoid further wastage. I won’t put more food in the fridge any more, until most of my frozen meals are eaten. I don’t need more meat, there’s plenty in the freezer. I can survive for weeks without buying food now. I’ll just need bread and milk and other essentials. I reckon if I can live on $30 a week, I’ll be fine. Even if I pay $100 for shopping, I can somehow stretch it over a month. I’m not giving into people’s fussy eating demands, eat what you’re given or cook it yourself. I’m not a fucking restaurant.

So the next freaking dilema I’m in: When the hell can I finally pay a bloody plumber to install my water purifier! Seriously I want clean drinking water, not the bloody shit that comes out of the tap now. I don’t like drinking dirt and rust. I think the water is disgusting, we might as well be drinking dirty water without treating it, because chlorination isn’t improving the quality much. And I also have to get this bloody food processor. At some point after that I’m getting a TV. I just want a basic TV, not a $1000 one! Why anyone would even wish for me to buy an expensive TV is beyond me. I need a good food processor because I need to eat food every day, but I don’t need an expensive TV. So yeah, my life is on hold for months now. I can’t see myself going out much. Frigging hell, I like Brisbane but it’s expensive to live here, even with low rent. I’m going to start writing things in my phone to create a diary of what affects my life the most. It could be anything from buying too much to going out with friends too often. Stuff that I think gets in the way of me saving money. Stuff that prevents me from having me time. Stuff that gets in the road of my plans for the day, etc. It’s not friendships that are the issue. Not at all! It’s how I communicate with people that gets to me. Like if I say no to an outing or day trip or whatever, I don’t want to deal with the aftermath of offending someone.

Talking of communication, I’ve been asked by people so many times what I’ll do about an issue. Well, I take offense to that, because if I knew, I’d have started the process of resolving my current issues. If I had the answers to my problems, I wouldn’t need to complain, or whinge, or rant, or this, or that, and the list goes on. When people ask me, ‘what are you going to do about it’, it shows me they don’t care, or that maybe they don’t know and just won’t admit it. I’d rather be told, ‘I have no idea sorry’, or something to that degree, than to be asked a question I don’t know the answer to. And I also hate it when people discourage me too. Like if I learn a difficult O and M route, or try to cook a difficult dish, and some people just have to say ‘oh, well if you’re struggling and you’re too scared to learn, why do you even bother with the lessons!”‘ Fucking, far out! Just say ‘that’s not good you’re having a hard time, I hope it works out for you6’, instead. Look, everyone is entitled to their opinions, but please don’t talk me out of things or I’ll never learn! I mean, if somebody thinks I can’t do certain things, but I think I could learn or whatever the case, please don’t push your opinions. Just because you say I can’t do something doesn’t mean I think that way. I don’t live up to anyone’s expectations. I can’t stand when people use my emotional state to convince me I can’t manage with something. Like seriously! Just let me figure it out! I already have a hard enough time not giving up without anyone helping me to give up. I know I hate struggling, but I still want to live my life however I like. The other thing I fucking hate is that some people think I can still go out to entertain myself with my pension. I can’t actually. And staying home for a while to suit myself, is seen an me isolating myself and becoming withdrawn. Like for God’s fucaing sakes stop telling me what to do and stop telling me how I feel and all that. Just stop analysing me and my life! God, I’ll do what I want!. If I want to have some down time at home, that’s what I’ll do. The reality of the situation is that I cannot afford to go out every day and I can’t spend money whenever I feel like it. That’s why I’ve got no fucking money!!!!!!!!!! For heaven’s sake! I love entertainment and going out, but I can’t manage it and that’s just how it is. If I can’t even save money, how do you think I can afford to go on a day trip? NDIS only covers the support workers, not my fucking outings. And it’s a sad life catching up after paying off a debt, but that’s just how it is too. It’s like people only respect me if I have money, as soon as I’m out for two weeks, I get dumped. Oh well. Fuck off then if that’s how anyone wants to be with me. I’m not poor because I feel like it because I like having no money. I’m poor because of my frigging pension and I need expensive items to live a blind-friendly lifestyle that won’t harm or kill me. Yes peeps, I kid you not! Everything has to be safe, tactile, audio in some way, not easily bumped, sturdy, failsafe, basically the grownup version of child-friendly. Yes it’s bullshit. But that’s just how reality is. If I could change it, I would! Everything in my life has to be vision impaired friendly just so I can survive and not get crook because I can’t see what I’m doing and I need devices and gadgets that I can use safely. I need my phone so I can time cooking meat so I don’t bugger up any meals, etc. Yeah, my life is complicated. And I need bloody medicine just to keep the right nutrition levels in my body so I don’t collapse from over-heating, don’t dehydrate, don’t do all sorts of funny things, plus stay healthy while I’m at it. Yep, being born prematurely is great!!!!!!!! Yeah right, I don’t think so. I bet you a million bucks that my next attempt at saving money in different ways, will fail with psychiatric judgment bullshit, insistence at me from some people that I must go out, it must be boring staying home… etc. Look, yes staying at home is boring, but having no money to spend is even worse! Basically, spend my money or you don’t give a fuck about me, is the message I’m getting – not from every person, but most people. That’s the impression I get, anyway. Well, that’s too bad! I can’t help it if I have to stay home so I can pay bills and rent. the reason I allow support workers to take over and help me is because I know they have to help people both live a life and stay alive, according to their individual needs with disabilities. I wouldn’t allow anyone else to assist me like that, unless they just wanted to shout me a meal. That’s up to them. But I’m not about to appreciate a suck-up-the-arse situation where I’m hard-done-by so I need sympathetic support. No, thank you. I’ll help myself, and if I want sympathy I’ll ask for it. And, if I truly need assistance, community support workers will help me, that’s what they’re there for, so I don’t burden the rest of society.

I’ve just had a long shower and washed my hair. This gave me nearly half an hour to think up another loooooooong rave. So be ready guys, please be prepared to read for as long as it takes. I’ve written long posts before, but this may be a world record. So… I’ve been thinking of how people treat disabled people differently from non-disabled. I should say, people with disabilities. But for my own sake of arguing, I’ll use the word disabled, since it basically means the same thing and shortens my writing a little. Not this entry of course, but you know what I mean… Anyway, I’ve been wondering why some people use different tones when talking to disabled persons. If you stood me next to a sighted person, I’d look average. In other words, not much different from the sighted person. Now most people would come up to me and say hi and how are you, in a typical, normal conversational tone, and life would go on as it does. But for whatever reason, some folks just have to add fancy undertones to their conversations with me. Like, why? Why can’t you just treat me like you’d treat anybody, and just accept that you’d hate the idea of going blind, but that’s all there is to it. Other than wondering how I manage to exist, which is fair enough, can’t you just leave it at that and just have a typical chitchat? Come on, ask away all you want! Everyone doesn’t know everything about all disabilities. But don’t act like I can’t understand English or that I don’t know how to have a conversation. I fail to understand how anyone on earth could dehumanise disabled people, or put them to the level of a baby. There’s so many disabilities but for argument’s sake, I’ll focus on the disabilities that aren’t obvious, like blindness, epilepsy, etc. Of course some people have cognitive problems, can’t move, breathe, eat, whatever. But every disabled person doesn’t need to be molycoddled and cooed at. The thing that really pisses me off about how blind people are treated, is that some people think I need constand supervision, and even deliberately show disrespect if I don’t have a support person with me. Next time I’m going to have a go at a particular postal worker who I growled at yesterday. The carer had to quickly take me away before me and the guy really got going. I don’t hate many people, usually I jump up and down at the thought of greeting someone!!!!!!! But I really detest this person, I’m jumping up and down at the idea of biting his ugly face off. He’s a bastard! He respects sighted people but is nasty to disabled people. I will bite next time and it won’t be pretty. I’ll bully the shit out of him. He can fuck himself. That’s why I’m so racist, wankers like him who disrespects certain people groups including disabled people and then he’ll turn around and play the victim card if he’s bullied. He can ping off and get another bloody job.

Next: medical people and their shit-for-brains money-making crap. They go to uni to learn a whole lot of useless shit, and they can’t even prolong anyone’s lives anyway! Jhe only difference between modern and ancient doctors is their use of technology. For example, Vitamin medications, and quite a few other drugs, can be made into an edible form such as lollies or other substances that have a pleasant taste when consumed. We never used to have such forms of medicines. Doctors never used to use computers, now they can’t live without them. I could go on for ever. Doctors have changed their views on food, biology, antibiotic use, surgical procedures, etc. But they still can’t cure HIV and Aids, cancer, drug resistant bugs, and a whole host of issues which you’d think doctors can fix nowadays. The medical community has come a long way with a lot of stuff: fixing most heart problems, preventing Diabetes most of the time, preventing the spread of some types of cancer, blah blah blah! But medical people still have a heck of a way to go before any major health care improvements generally speaking, can be seen. Look at sickness medications, for example. They’re advertised to suppress or reduce nausea and vomiting. Well, the truth is, they don’t do either. Sickness medicine is a waste of time and causes more harm than good. Then there’s chemotherapy medicines. Maybe chemotherapy helps a few people in the long run. But for most people, all it does is cause you to get sick and die anyway. Why would I take my chances to try to cure cancer if all I’ll do is suffer more from the treatments than from the disease? Then I still may die, which is highly likely. So hopefully I don’t get cancer. But I’ve already refused any treatments for sickness and pain should it arise one day, because medications simply don’t resolve pain and vomiting. The only time medicine works for me is if I’m not vomiting and I’m not terribly sick so Panadol and some decongestants work well for mild cases of persistent pain and very mild nausea. But should I start spewing or feel a lot of pain, forget it. I need hospital-grade medication in a drip as a continuous dose, and heart monitoring to make sure the meds don’t damage it. And those meds have to be strong enough to keep me only half awake until I no longer need them. As for typical painkillers which leave me worse for ware, and typical sickness meds, you’re wasting your time. Once I realise I’m too uncomfortable to keep going, the old-fashioned dehydrate and starve method is on. And if I’m dragged to hospital, I won’t eat or drink there either. This stupid bullcrap of suffer, fix, suffer, fix, just doesn’t do justice for me. Either rip all my teeth out or shoot me. I don’t need to live with sore teeth for the rest of my life because the dentist is too heartless to respect my wishes. Dentures aren’t ideal for anyone, buj sore teeth aren’t any better. I’d rather have false teeth than a sore mouth. My wisdom tooth surgery hasn’t worked, all it did was leave a gap in the back of my mouth where those teeth are missing, the rest of my teeth are crowded and crooked and aren’t filling the back of my mouth. My mouth isn’t any better than it was before surgery, it’s just not bleeding any more. I’m to get a private dentist to pull all my teeth. Private practices can pull teeth in their clinics; it’s the public practices that bullshit about anaesthetic is best for pulling teeth, excuses excuses. Yeah sure, the public system isn’j funded to do procedures outside the hospital setting. So this time I’m going private and I’m getting them to pull my teeth out. If they don’t, I’ll go mad and tell them either they do that or I’ll find another dentist, unless they can do something which guarantees that my teeth won’t hurt any more. If they don’t help, I’m going to starve to death. Doctors have no fucking idea how to help anybody. All they’e after is the money. If they don’t prove me wrong, I won’t change my opinion of medical people. I definitely will never trust doctors, ever, if they don’t find medicine I’m not allergic to. Why should I trust any doctor who is just going to make me sick? Fuck the medical people, all they’ve done is hurt me. I’ll take some non-prescription stuff as needed, but there’s no way any doctor will force me to take prescription medicines. They don’t deserve my respect. I know another person who was harmed by the very people who were supposed to help him. Yeah, that’s two of us. Hey, I need pain relief, so yeah1now I’m spewing up, which is just fine. No, fucking way Jose! Vomiting and nausea is not pain relief or pain management. This is exactly why so many people distrust the medical proffession. They’re just con-artists. The ones who don’t happen to be con-artists, are in a hopeless dilema when they can’t physically help me because I’m untreatable which essentially makes any problems incurable for me. I don’t have a terminal illness, but the fact that I can’t take most meds, makes me terminal, because if I were to develope a treatable illness, it wouldn’t be treatable in my case. All because my mother and her doctors at the time were heartless beasts and kept me alive so I could suffer. Yeah! So much for the mother-fucking hypocratic oath! Show me a doctor who follows his/her creed and I’ll change my mind about how I think of them.

Now on to something more cheerful. Well, I say cheerful, because it’s in regards to reading heaps of iBooks. But the subject matter isn’t so cheerful in some of these books. The stuff I read about how Jewish people were treated in World War II is attrocious. Yeah I’m sure other people were killed and mistreated too. Jews weren’t the only persecuted group. But of all the sad cases of neglect and mistreatment, Jewish people at that time had it the worst. They were marked for extermination, so I guess in the minds of the Nazis, Jews weren’t human so mistreatment wasn’t really a term if you were dealing with Jewish people. Just thinking about their way of thinking makes me sick. Jews struggled against the current pretty much. The struggled to survive but couldn’t fight back. Mistreating anybody is horrible enough, but treating Jewish with the most vile attrocities was deemed ok because these ‘weren’t people’ to paraphrase it. Oh my God! We wouldn’t treat pigs let alone any other animals, like this! It makes me so sad that people are saying the Hollocaust never occured. Holy shit! But yeah, go read a few books on the subject and you’ll see what I mean! I’ve nearly finished reading this book. It’s really sad but has a happy ending: the guy survived during WWII, and lives to tell the tale. Otherwise, the details are horrifying. The bloke does write about happy things too, and thankfully he is much better than he was ten years ago, but man the book is heart-rending! I couldn’t survive the shit that he wrot about. And his poor parents! Geeze, I wouldn’t know what to do if I had to face my son’s possible demise at the hands of a ruthless people. And many people these days put on the victim card and the race card. Wow! Maybe read a few World War 1 and 2 books and you’ll have a different perspective then. Some people don’t believe the facts of history, and that’s fine. But don’t play the hard-done-by act on me until you experience a world war and mistreatment. These days most of us have it easy. Some of these books I love to read give me nightmares because of how disturbing they are. Why read them, you may ask. Because I like to know how other people live today and how they lived in the past.


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