Venting and thoughts

I’m lying down for the night, so I figure I’d write for a while. I slept in this morning and woke up to K knocking at the door. She and I talked for a while before she left for the day. J came around and eventually we walked to the shopping centre after chatting for a while. We had a sandwich and coffee and I bought a few things. When I got home I walked around because I didn’t want to sit around all day. I walked back to the shops to spend an hour in the library browsing You-Tube. I came home and me and J got in to a cab and went to the butcher’s shop. I bought some meat after J bought what he wanted, then I came home and sat around before cooking chicken to go on sandwiches. The oven stank for a bit but I turned the oven off for about ten minutes before turning it back on. The smell went away and I cooked the chicken for about fifty minutes, then turned it over for twenty minutes. It was a fraction under 180 degrees C, so when I put it on bread for me and J, I wondered why there was fatty stuff all through it, and it had quite a strong chicken flavour. J ate all of his chicken sandwhich, he said he couldn’t detect any raw chicken at all, just that it was fatty. Kind of reminded me of when I cooked chicken wings, and I was relieved to know that they were cooked properly! Next time I bake chicken breasts, I’m going to test cooking them for forty minutes before flipping them over for another forty minutes, this time on 200 degree heat. I just don’t want the chicken to burn on the outside. I think chicken is difficult to cook. I wanted to put an audio recording on my YouTube channel but no, J and K came over and I didn’t get any private time today. Tonight I can spend time to myself, but it’s not the same as spending time to myself whenever I feel like. Once again, not about me. Me me me! What about me? Why is my life always about someone else? I’m not married to these people. I’m going to have to start being rude and simply pretend to be out or asleep. I’m sure other people do it. I’m starting this change from tomorrow. I can’t be totally honest and nice because if I say ‘no you can’t come in’, I’d be the worst person ever.

I did some more browsing of my blog and it got me thinking. I still don’t have a job, and here is why. When you click on the post I’ve referred to above, you should notice that I’m frustrated about workplace discrimination at the time of writing that post. Well, to say that I’m disgusted with the employment agencies is an understatement. I got no help and support at all from the last job agency. They either found jobs that I’d never be able to do, or they’d find jobs which I could possibly do, but weren’t part of my particular interest. The worst part was the job agency not helping me fight a discrimination case against Endeavour Industries, which discriminated me strictly because of my guide dog. The company didn’t consider guide dogs to be well-trained, that the Guide Dogs organisation is of a low standard, and also that VI people can’t look after a dog let alone while at work. Well, to hell with that job agency! And to hell with Vision Australia (nicknamed Vision Aufailure). I want nothing to do with them again. All VA does is rip off the vision impaired community. The organisation is just after money. At least Guide Dogs Australia actually puts the money where their mouth is and does what it can to help VI people. I simply cannot believe that this job agency cannot trust a doctor’s report, then lie in their paperwork about me and my dog. Absolutely fucking disgraceful! What about all the crap poor Troy had to put up with? This is just one example of what I dealt with from my family. Poor dog! I was expected to tolerate hell from him because he didn’t have his usual routine in place and I really got fed up with everything. This is why I can never live with any of my family again. I can’t tolerate their shit. If I wanted a pet dog, I wouldn’t have gotten a guide dog. And to think that I’m about to go back on the waiting list after making the decision to leave GDQ two years ago just to see if I’d do better with VA. Yeah right! I’m so glad I’m back with Guide Dogs! My finances with living in Brisbane is a real fucker at the moment, because some neighbours have become my surigate sons and daughters unwittingly. Yes, I mother people because their actual parents can’t deal with them, or perants are underground now. How very sad. I know I simply make the odd offer of cooking a feed, but some disabled people takes this to mean they need me to cook all the time. No, I won’t. I came to Link Vision to live my life. But I’ve given proverbial birth to four proverbial children, so my life belongs to the ‘kids’ now, not to me. If anyone asks me what I’ll do about it, I’m the wrong person to answer that question. If I knew, I wouldn’t be in this situation.

I thought that leaving my issues with Mum behind would mean a happier life. Nope! Living at Link Vision has presented me with a whole lot of different issues that I’ve had nowhere else. I think my problem is I can’t be mean enough to openly say go away, or at least be subtly rude and hard-hearted. I never ever, treat my friends like this, not ever. So why do they treat me like that. The good thing is that I can live in my own unit. I just live among nasty and/or prying and rude people. I think to myself, for God’s sake! Just piss off for a while! Damn you, leave me alone! I also like the fact that online shopping has improved over the years, so I can do my own shopping. As for church, I don’t go any more. I’m not interested. Furthermore, I have no idea how this Pastor is. We had a few disagreements and didn’t always see eye to eye, but at least we tried to get along. And then there’s CaringBridge. I’m thinking of deleting my account because I don’t read those journals any more.

I can’t decide if I’ll sleep in tomorrow or not. I guess I’ll see what I’ll get up to depending on when I wake up. After the support worker leaves when she’s finished cleaning, I have no idea if I’ll walk to the library or just stay home. I have to hide if I go out or my side-kick J just has to demand that I come home whenever he wants to talk to me. I ignore him anyway of course, but he’s just so fuckin’ annoying!!!!!!!!!!! The bloody nerve of some people! Oh, I also have to start writing that list for my OT, and it’s going to be a long one. I’m going to think of four things to write about each day until I think I’ve thought of everything I need her to show me, then I’ll send her my goal list next week. Cooking chicken properly will be at the top of the list. Maybe I do cook it well. But maybe I don’t, too. There seriously has to be a way for me to know when chicken is cooked well. I can cook it in the slow cooker just fine, so I can’t see why I can’t bake it in the oven. Anyway, this bullshit will be getting sorted soon. Believe me, when I’ve got baking issues sorted, I’ll be baking things every day whether the smoke alarm goes off or not. Shit happens in the kitchen, sometimes a fire scare is part and pa with the course! I hate the smoke alarm, but I also hate dying haha! So yep, I’ll just hope for the best, but if my smoke alarm does go off, people will have to suck it up. I just need to know that I’m eating properly cooked pork and chicken. I won’t do fish in the oven, that will be restricted to the slow cooker, and if I want fried fish, ah, I’ll just buy it.

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