Some things I couldn’t write about until now

Well people, it’s another day. Time is flying by. And life is pretty boring. I’ve been told that it’s good that I live boring, but the point most people miss is that they wouldn’t think so if they were the ones sitting around all the time. I’ve noticed with all of us at different times, that we would want so-and-so’s lifestyle, until it’s us living that lifestyle, that is. I kept thinking of this because of how many people of late have made such remarks to me. If only they knew! Which leads me to my really gory rant with a lot of venting, about the way some people consider that maybe blindness has something to do with sitting around and doing nothing all the time, since according to said persons’ perceptions, blindness and a boring, listliss life, go hand in hand. Ah, hearing that makes me so depressed and ashamed to be a part of society, yet I know I shouldn’t let someone else’s opinions and perceptions about me, affect who I am and what I want to be. I’m not living anybody else’s life, and yet some days I find myself letting other people’s aspirations affect me. It’s like I need to be someone I’m not, but I know I should just be myself, regardless of what people think of me. The same goes for getting approval from people. They aren’t living my life, so why should I live the way other people approve of, instead of living the way I want to? I get so depressed at myself over this, yet I still realise that I am still living my own life, I’m just terrified that maybe I’ll allow someone else to control my life so I hold even tighter to my own lifestyle choices, just to make sure I’m the only one in control of my life. With that said, I no longer want to be a valuable member of society nor be part of it, because blind people as far as I know from experience, aren’t accepted as part of the community.

What I really hate is, people whom I know, and not all of them, one minute will tell me that I have a lot to offer to people around me, but in the next breath they’re reinforcing the idea that blind people aren’t a valued part of the community, by naming all the things I could do but cannot do. So the reason blind people aren’t accepted in the community is because many people don’t want to help them. So why should I then put effort or any committment into accepting help I won’t receive, or helping society when they don’t care anyway? I guess this is my point of this whole thing. From what I’m discovering, the US values blind people a lot more. I may be wrong, but that’s the impression I’m getting. In any case, there’s not much I can do because I’m not in America. But what I can do is write about how I honestly feel. I think it’s all fucked up.

If there’s one thing that keeps me sane as a loner and outcast, is Troy. Right now he’s the only best friend I have in my life. The friends on Roger can come and go, not that everyone will, and something can happen to Roger. But Troy won’t suddenly leave, unless of course he gets euthanised. Until then, Troy will be a constant companion in my life. What will become of me after Troy finally dies? God only knows to be honest! You see, right now I feel like I have to be there for Troy because he needs me. When he’s gone, all accountability will be gone and I will be the only person I can consider and care for, so what I choose to do with my life will only affect me. So it won’t really matter what choices I make will it? Right now I’ve got all these restrictions on me, I can’t stay out all night, I have to get out of bed to take Troy for a walk, take him into the yard, etc. When Troy goes, believe me, I won’t feel better or ok about it, but I’ll definitely feel free to live how I choose because he will no longer be affected by my lifestyle choices. I think that Troy is really awesome, he always gives me a reason to get out of bed every day. Right now me and Troy are shut up in the house, in my room. There’s a big blue going on outside and I’m scared of it. I don’t want to have to call the cops. So right now I’m hiding and will call the cops if any real shit goes down that may affect me. But if the dramas don’t come to my particular unit, then what other people do is their choice. Too many people are doing the Hunger Games thing, whoever kills or maims first gets the village. And frankly it’s all bullshit. Communication is at an all-time low and I’d rather hide from everyone for mine and Troy’s safety. At least Troy can tell before I ever can, that trouble is coming, so I can quickly do what’s necessary to avoid the crap. He has never purposefully allowed me to get into any trouble, and for that I want to purposefully support and help my dog to live the rest of his life until his last breath. I guess the pack mentality still does increase one’s odds of survival, even though the reasons for not surviving may not be the same reasons such as animals running and chasing you down. These days, it’s people doing the hunting down of other people, and apparently Troy has proven to me that the instinct of dogs really does keep themselves and their human counterparts alive! I guess the saying: ‘The dog is man’s best friend’, stands the test of time.

I’ve decided to eat out later. I don’t know what the cheapest meal option will be, but I need to find something. Maybe I could order pizza, but even that’s fucking expensive. I don’t want to stay home, but at the same time, I don’t want to come out of hiding yet either. As much as I love fast food, I really need to think of the money and all that too. Oh well, too bad I suppose. If the stinkin’ cops come knocking because some person thinks I’ve gone missing or I may be dead, when in fact I’m hidden away, I guess I can explain myself when the time comes, can’t I? I guess in this day and age, people can never be too careful. I’ve just made sure my online shopping delivery is arriving today. So I’ll put my groceries away tonight after the guy leaves, and then I’ll make camomile and honey tea. Then I’m putting my phone into flight mode and crashing. Forget the alarm clock, I never hear it anyway. And forget O and M training, my life is too drained and far too shot for any such ambitious efforts. I’m now on the quality of life over quantity of life road, and all I want to do is make myself as comfortable as possible with no regard to my future. I don’t have any ambitions in my life, I’m just going with the old be merry and drink today, for tomorrow we die, kind of motto. There’s no purpose to life. We eat, drink, have a great time, do jobs if we want, but then we die and that’s the end of us. We can try to create some sort of purpose, but what will come of it when we eventually pass on and everything goes on as usual. Sometimes legacies are continued, like the example of Tim Cook taking over Apple after Steve Jobs died. And that’s fantastic. But as for me, my life is a dream that will come and go, with only a few people to tell stories of what they remember about me. And I guess at the end of the day, having a few people who remember you is what truly counts. But my actual point is, my life has no purpose that will be continued when I die one day. So I see no point in making a future for myself when it will all come to nothing anyway. That’s my own life, how it is. I can’t say this for everybody. I still don’t believe life has purpose to it. But for what I’ve made of my life, I have nothing to show for me ever having a life, except for this blog perhaps. And maybe my Twitter account, and somewhat, my Facebook page. But still, people won’t see the real me, only the person they see in writing.

If there is one thing I’ve taken seriously for a long time and will definitely take it to the grave, it’s that you can always stick up for yourself when nobody else will. It amazes me how far you can get in life when you support yourself while other people are not supporting you. I do have a few supporters in my life and I’m grateful for that. One or two supporters is better tan a million non-supporters. I think if you’re going to live an aimless life, at least live it up and have a good time while you’re at it, and maoe sure you’ve got a couple of friends who can support you with your agenda. Now I don’t expect anyone to agree with my agenda for my life. But what I do expect from people is that they respect that I’ve chosen my path in life and also to appreciate that I’m at least trying to have fun. I’m pretty much of the belief that you can do whatever you like if you’re not hurting me in the process. Basically, do what you want but if you’re in front of me, please be considerate of me when making a lifestyle choice. And that goes for me too, when I’m in front of others. For example, I have certain eating habits which nobody ever sees, the same goes with other habits. The only thing you won’t ever catch me doing is smoking or drinking a lot, because for one I can’t ever agree with smoking, and I rarely drink. But when I do make lifestyle choices, I make sure I’m only affecting my own life, as much as feasibly possible because there’s always someone who finds about stuff that you get up to. But at least you want to try to not affect other people negatively on purpose. So I just follow my own agenda and try to not live my life at the expense of others. I’m really not here for anyone else to start with, I mean, I can make friends and all, but I’m living for myself and that’s probably the only purpose I see in being alive. I’m here to be myself live how I want to live, and be who I want to be. I strongly feel that life is about what you make of it, not what someone else wants to make of it. Anyway, enough said I think. I really need to go out. I need to do something to satisfy my time spent on this earth at least for today. Fridays are the only day of the week I look forward to, because my support worker always brings purpose into my life. I guess she’s one of the few people on my list who I can’t let down by creating dramas when she’s not here. So I keep to myself as much as possible and try not to cause trouble with people I don’t like. I actually find it so much easier to get along with most people. As for the people I really detest, well forget them. They aren’t on my radar. As for the rest of them, I’d rather try not to fight with them whenever possible.

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