I’ve decided to write today. I have Audioboom linked to Facebook, Twitter, and WordPress, so you can technically say I’ve been doing audio blogs. But tonight I’ve decided to do a writing blog instead. For some reason, no matter how much I love to do audio recordings, I still love to write. This damned laptop keyboard is shit to type on, it causes so many typos even though I’m pressing the keys in a way that should produce less typos because I type all the time so I can type good. I don’t like laptop keyboards all that much. I also hate my crappy throat at the moment, I’ve been coughing for four days now, and I thought I was gonna get way sicker, but I haven’t. I’ve started getting over the cold thing, but the cough still lingers at me. I scared a few people last week and over the weekend because my cough is so gruff and like a barking cough. I think I have whooping cough, but then I don’t know what that would be like. I think vaccines are useless pieces of shit. Some of them work and some don’t work. Luckily the Tetanus shot has always protected me. As for the whooping cough, I don’t think I’m protected from that. But I guess I can play the waiting game a bit more just to see if it’ll go away on its own or not. The only reason I decided not to make a doctors appointment tomorrow is because today I don’t feel so sick, just that nagging hacking cough and that’s it. Yet it’s not getting worse either. It’s strange.

I had a good outing on Saturday until I got lost in the shopping centre. When I’m using my cane, I’m not aware of my veering problem till it’s already way too late. Someone was able to help me get out, so I was happy. There’s a really good food court and a couple of good cafes there. Talking of O and M and travelling, I’ve made my decision not to get another guide dog. As much as dogs are great companions, service dogs are a restriction to me. Yes they can help me avoid obstacles, yes they may help me walk quicker. But I’m restricted in so many ways. I feel as though to me, I have no more advantage using a guide dog as when I use a cane. It’s just that the dog can follow instructions, the cane can’t. Near the end of Troy’s career, even for the past three years actually, me and Troy hadn’t been going out as much as we had been while I lived in Darwin. That’s really sad if you ask me. I’d much rather stay home and not have a guide dog than receive a dog and not take it out much. So I’ve decided not to get another one. Animals certainly don’t increase my confidence, at all. I don’t feel more secure with a guide dog. A guard dog maybe, but not a guide dog. I feel more secure when I’m in a locked house, I have access to a key at all times and I know exactly where I am and what I’m doing. A dog can’t give me any of that. The dog can keep me company, I don’t feel as lonely etc. Troy was definitely a great guide dog. I had my frustrations, but he was a really good worker. And I have to say, when the guide dog trainers are training me, they do wonderful jobs. But what they don’t understand is what it’s truly like to be blind. No amount of training can make them understand how hard it is to be blind. All their ideas about confidence and how to present yourself is fake to me, they say and do things based on their experiences within the sighted world. They really have no idea what happens in the world of disability, blindness is way more complicated than just doing this or that differently, adopting a certain attitude, etc etc. The way you see the world as a sighted person and the way a blind person sees the world, are two totally different things. The way a blind person experiences the world isn’t the same as the way a sighted person experiences the world. The ideas presented to blind people which are meant to be helpful to them, aren’t always helpful because we just aren’t sighted people. There’s no two ways about it. You can’t be someone you’re not.

I’m getting my groceries delivered this week. Then I’m making a really yummy fried rice full of really good vegies. I figure if I’m going to live for a long time, I may as well try to have a good time! I love chucking stuff in the frying pan and just letting it cook up into what turns into a most delightful meal. As much as I really hate cooking, the fact that I can still eat a nice feed makes all the shit worthwhile. I find it scary that I can’t see even a big spider in front of my face let alone a huge bomb, yet somehow, and only God knows, I can cook a good feed. Do not ask how – I hate cooking, don’t want to cook, but do you think I cook a bad feed? How the hell do I cook well despite all the odds stacked against me! There’s other blind people who don’t cook because they can’t see so they just won’t cook specifically for that reason alone. Other people do cook, but maybe basic meals or maybe they stuff up their dinners. I guess blindness can’t stop us from having our own abilities. At the end of the day, it’s not our disabilities that define us, it’s what we’re able to do that defines us. Even people with disabilities can possess the same giftedness as anybody, in so many ways. That’s what it seems to me, even if sometimes I think blindness has totally fucked me up. As for my ability to travel long distances such as going from one town to another or further abroad, forget it. I can cook but I can’t travel. Not all of us are meant to travel, and not all of us are meant to cook, or both. One thing that has improved since I moved to Cairns is my health. I have stomach issues occasionally, but not every day and not really badly. I eat like a horse and drink water like it’s out of fashion. I guess I don’t drink glasses of it all day. But when I do get a drink, I really guzzle it. I still drink coffee all the time, but not as much as I used to. But I still love my coffee. I love my coke as well, but I’ve cut down on it a lot. The doctors and my family were honestly terrified of my coke adiction. I thinnk I’m a lot healthier now than I was last year and the year before that. I still catch viruses but somehow I can get over them a lot better now.

Tomorrow I want to go out. But I spent a lot of money last week on junk food, so I think I’m pulling a home-bound day. I don’t like staying home, but when I know I can’t spend a lot of money, I can’t think of anything else to do without spending money. I want to buy a new freezer because this one doesn’t work properly. At least the fridge is working well for now so I have more time to save up for a new one. I also need to keep my money organised in case I’m forced to vacate this unit. If I have to go, I’m flying to Brisbane. No way am I sticking around here anymore if I’m forced to leave. If I’m not forced to leave, I’ll stay here for a bit longer and can hopefully go to Brisbane without rushing to leave. But if I do have to rush, I’m carting everything out of here as fast as I can. This is where my money will come in handy. I’m hoping I can bring my bird with me. He’s a cheeky bastard, but he’s beautiful all the same. I guess the only thing I can do if I don’t get to keep him, is to buy another budgie in Brisbane. It won’t replace sunshine, but at least I’ll have a bird. Birds are pretty easy to look after. I certainly won’t do with another dog. Or any other animal. They wee and shit and vomit everywhere and vomit isn’t my favourite thing to clean up. Birds are pretty simple to take care of if you keep them from making too much mess. And mess isn’t that hard to clean up, not as hard as a dog’s or cat’s mess. Keeping up with a dog is hard too. So much easier to keep a bird.

I’ve been thinking a lot about when Troy gets too old to keep going. It’s horrible really. Once he dies, that’s it. No more dogs. I’m not a very altruistic person for starters, so expecting me to change my ways and get another dog when Troy dies is an impossible dream. That’s like expecting an altruistic person to be selfish. Never the twain shall meet. It’s in my nature to think more about myself when times get tough, and believe me, when it’s time for Troy to die, I may have to leave his side. Unfortunately I can’t cope with knowing that a dog is going to finally die in front of me. I just can’t cope with that. I’m supposed to be with Troy right to the end. But when it comes for the vet to inject him with the sedative before they kill him with the other drug, I may sadly have to leave. Cuddling a dog which suddenly drops dead in my arms just isn’t something I want to deal with or accept. Selfishly, I wouldn’t even want to die in somebody’s arms. Why would I expect someone to die in my arms? If it so happened that Troy could accidentally die in my arms, that’s one thing. But planning his death date? Wow, I couldn’t do it. I can’t plan to have him put down and then hold him till he’s dead. I just won’t do that. I guess it’ll be unfair to him because he’ll find himself alone when he dies, I will have walked away from him. But at the end of the day, I need to be thinking about myself. But then, maybe when the situation is in front of me, I wonder if I’ll believe differently about my way of coping. All the shit people go through when they see loved ones dying, and after the fact they wish they’d done this or done that, they wished they could have hugged their loved ones a little bit longer, wish they’d not removed loved ones from life support, wished so many things that now can’t happen anymore. If Troy dies and I walk away, will I kick myself over that? Or will I not regret my decision? If I cuddle him until he stops breathing, will I beat myself up because of sadness over this and wish I’d walked away? This is really scary, and unless you’ve been there, you don’t know. And, maybe this is why I don’t argue when the vets talk to me. They know what it’s like, they euthanise animals in front of really sad people every day. So when they speak to me, I can’t get angry at them and tell them they wouldn’t have a clue. Because I know they understand. I can’t be a hundred percent sure of what I’d do after Troy dies, but I do know I’ll be lying low for weeks. I’m actually hoping to stay in bed for a few days just to recuperate enough that I can go out and rage and drink. Anyway, I don’t know till it happens. I definitely won’t be a happy bunny though.


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