Blindness and life in general

I’m having a break to write another blog. I was gonna wait till later, but since I’m up to doing charts and NVDA isn’t working, I’m gonna chuck it in and not do them. I’m not gonna need them anyway, in fact I hope when I do learn from the trainer, I’ll forget how to do them in no time. I hate using charts, I have no reason in the world to create them. I’ll get someone else to do that shit. I’m useless like a dog in society except to do basic crap like people who can’t do more than care basically for themselves, so the effort I put into my life depends on my own interests rather than what other people think of me.

I’ll get a Wifi network next year, at least I can lie around all day and play computer games. I’ll go out to cafes and shops and live the high life. I wanna party like mad for the rest of my life, not creating a useful situation for myself except to stay alive till I’m a hundred and something. I don’t need to contribute to society, I can save pension money and get everything else on a platter. I’ll be right! I don’t need to put effort into pleasing everyone else, or make them think I’m worth something, all that bullshit. A “disabled” person is a worthless dog to most people except a few friends/couple of family members who love me. And don’t forget Troy! GDQ does a good job of looking after me when they train me, really good! People are just too polite though, of course they’re not allowed to imply that I’m a piece of shit person who’s good for cleaning the house all day and having kids, just so long as I can go out and about often enough. I can obviously choose not to have children, and I don’t have to clean the house all day lol! But my contribution to society is at the level of an old-fashioned housewife, and also a stupid idiot.

When people are helping me to get around until I’m more independent, they can’t bring up all that stuff, they have to tell me I can do anything with my life because it’s part of their job. So I can understand why some people can’t be honest and admit that their training me to get out and about is better than me sitting on my arse and doing nothing, because I can’t do jack shit for anyone. There are some people who may believe differently, so why aren’t I working for them? Just be honest I reckon, accept that I’m here without a purpose and with nothing to offer. I’m not a special person who blesses people, I don’t impact anyone, am not helpful to people. I’m only helpful to myself and everyone around has to help me, rather than the other way around. I’m the burden to society instead of the helper. Feeding the neighbour sometimes, I mean the next-door neighbour, yeah that’s ok. But it’s the sucky, I’m-disabled-and-I-can-help-people-when-I-can, thing. I’m young and fit, especially because I take supplements. But my blindness means 90% of society treats me like I’m as crippled as someone who doesn’t walk, talk, feed themselves, etc, even though I can do so. And everyone knows this. But I’m still back to my original Square 1 point, that I’m a prisoner in a healthy body that can do everything except get itself from Point A to Point B without specific training. If I don’t get GDQ instructors to train me, I’m worse than a crippled person. Walking and exploring are good points about me for sure, but my disability makes me the same as a cripple except I’m able to walk and talk. Do you know what I mean? To be more meaningful, I’m nearly thirty, but am at the same level as an eighty-year-old or a five-year-old child, whichever one you choose, except of course I’ve got my faculties.

Ok, now that I’ve gone on a tangent, what the original point was after talking about not wanting to do charts and getting help with them instead, was that since I live the life of a useless couch potato, I’ll not worry if I don’t put effort into everything in my life except if I’m able to survive every day. My survival is more important than my reputation, it ranks higher than whether I’m a nice or a nasty person. I’m more interested in saving my own skin, and Troy’s skin, than worrying about how people think of me as a person. They may hate me, they may tell rumours about me, they may say I’m a nasty arsehole or such a lovely, adorable person. Think what you will about me. My life is only meaningful and valuable to the few friends who I love to bits, fuck everyone else who I’m acquainted to or don’t know. If you’re not my friend and we’re not close, then fuck what you think of me! I don’t care about anybody’s opinions unless we’re really good friends, and those friends number about five or six out of everyone in the world. I could never let Stacey down, she’s soooooooooo nice. No we’re not perfect, and we can argue and get moody. But that’s humanity for you. Nobody can be in a really happy mood every day. Stacey does everything in her power to be a nice person, and so does a few friends who I talk to at a café in Gordonvale. As for everyone else on this earth, I have no concern for them unless I’m sure we can be good friends, then it’s a different story. My friends get all respect from me, they’re adorable to me. Forget the shortcomings, everyone has them. Just remember that if you’re on my friends list, you’re loved and respected, just like I’d hope I’d get respect from them, and adoration if people choose to adore me. But that’s entirely their choice. I’m just saying that me and my friends are of value to one another.

I’m back after going to the loo and getting some help from the computer trainer. She knows how frustrating charts are for me, so she’ll look into it and help me again on Thursday. After I’ve done this topic, I’m done with Excel! Everything is super easy except for chart creation. At least I can use formulas and auto-fill and all that. So Excel will work for me when I start budgeting. I won’t make budgeting a full-time job, but I can do so if needed. As for everything else in my life, I’ll pretty much be doing nothing after I’ve finished here. I may even get time to save up and move away from this ghetto place. Cairns used to be a good place to live, but now I wanna move to somewhere bigger and better. My family can look after themselves, I need to be comfortable at the end of the day. I need to be near VI-friendly support. It’s hard to get by here. At least I can chuck out most of my paperwork and forget that I’ve even lived in the unit. It’s good while I’m living there, but life is a bore here, too many arseholes to deal with. My neighbourhood in general is all right, but dealing with the arseholes who don’t care that I have to deal with the odd prick who’s bothering me, plus not having all my good friends here, is absolutely shit. I have to interrupt here and post, we have to finish up now so I’ll write when I get home.

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