I’m in my room. Freaking out is more like it at the moment. I had a really good day, got some stuff for a Mother’s Day party and since I had left-over money I couldn’t even remember keeping let alone finding until I cleaned out my wallet, I went to a wholesale butcher and got two kilos of meat which is now packed in my freezer. I also have fresh bread in the freezer too. I’ll use the bread that’s in the fridge tomorrow. Maybe steak and eggs on toast will go down just fine for lunch or dinner. At least I’m surviving better than I used to. I’m glad I have online shopping under control now. I like not having to get people to run around after me. I’m going to bloody sort my groceries and dog products out for the next month so when Mum comes over for two days for the birth of my brother’s baby, I won’t have to concern myself with nothin’!

Mum called me. She’s a determined woman. She’s more faithful than John the Baptist and no, I’m not exaggerating! Mum may be crazy, but when she sets her mind to something, she doesn’t give up till she gets her way. She hasn’t changed one bit, she’s as bitter and unforgiving as ever. I don’t care how she feels about me now, she can’t drag me into her problems or make me feel put down or anything. I’m a lot stronger than I used to be. She’s just jealous that I’ve moved on from the past and she hasn’t. She can’t tell me that I haven’t discussed shit with her. She knows I don’t believe her shit. She just chooses not to change! Nothing besides God has power over you except if you allow it. Oh well everyone has to live with their own choices. I’m not gonna let Mum blame me for her bad decisions or use me as a punching bag. As soon as that crap starts, Mum can bloody well leave. I can’t believe she acted as though I’d only spoken to her yesterday! She was glad I answered the phone, yet it felt like I’d just not answered a few phone calls instead of a few dozen of them, from the way she carried on. She tried to get me to argue but I wouldn’t and instead I laughed. If she thinks she can make me miserable, she’s got bad news! Believe me as soon as Mum forces me into one of her crappy no-win dramas, she ain’t staying with me. Mum lies to everyone about how she can’t help her behaviour because of what happened in the past. Well, sorry to burst her bubble, but yes she can. She’s not a frigging child. If she doesn’t want to accept that she can have a different future, then she’s not getting any sympathy from me. It’s her fault that her life is the way it is. She pretends to be helpless so she can get attention. Unfortunately her mental act doesn’t work with me. She needs to just stop her manipulation bullcrap. In fact Mum needs to grow up. She won’t be playing mind games with me again I can tell ya! She may try, but she won’t get anywhere. It’s fine, I’m making sure I’ve got family members who can help me if me and Mum get into a brawl. Hopefully a brawl won’t happen, I’m gonna talk to my neighbour and flaming put two plans in place so Mum can’t harm me. I know how to fight back, but I’m saving that for if I need to control a dangerous situation before calling the cops. Again, worst-case scenario, but if I don’t want to go to hospital or court, then I have to do what it takes to stay safe.

I’m back to finish my blog. I got very tired while I was writing so I decided to write in this blog later. So now I can make a decent entry. The Bluetooth software is stuffed so I’m going to take longer to type, but that’s better than nothing. I woke up feeling ok this morning. I’ve made the decision to not allow Mum to stay at my place if she can’t be definitely sure she won’t continuously talk negatively about past experiences. She just doesn’t know how to let things go and she always lets her bitterness get the better of her. So I won’t tolerate my Mum bringing her shit to my place. I will complain and I will kick her out as soon as she starts trouble. Hopefully things will work out, but if not, she’ll know about it. Besides that I haven’t done much besides clean the house and eat and read.

I’m back at this blog which I started two nights ago! I’m outside with a cold cup of coke, so I should actually have time to continue with this post till it’s totally finished! So basically I was up to talking about whether to ring Mum or not, blah blah blah. I suddenly interrupted this entry to ring Jill. I told her about Mum and her shit. She’s not happy with her or with how she treats my brother. I can’t blame her! I was considering waiting for Mum to ring me when she’s ready, but I thought stuff it, I would call her and if it turned out badly I’d just tell her to get over her irrelevant hang-ups and bullcrap or she’s not welcome to visit me, and frankly I couldn’t care less about stuff that’s not happening today. If Mum wants to grieve and cry because she wants things to go her way and whatever she carries on about, that’s her bloody problem!!!! She’s not changing nothin’ with her act. What’s even worse is that if you don’t agree with her, you’re the most nasty person ever, but it’s ok for Mum to dwell on all the sad and negative stuff and you’re expected to just tolerate her. She’s apparently allowed to be mean and negative. Well good luck to her! I don’t live like that. I’m giving her one chance to be a reasonable person, so she’d better not create dramas or watch out! I’m doing a zero-tolerance crackdown this time. I’m scared shitless about how Nan and Pop and Mum will get along. I had a nightmare the other night, where I was in a Hunger Games arena and I thought I was gonna have to somehow kill President Snow. But without warning, the arena stopped working and everyone was hiding from each other. I knew the only way to get out of there would be to kill everyone yet President Snow was saying something I couldnt understand, so somehow I had to take a gun off someone, shoot everyone, then fight against President Snow and his supporters after that. Wow that was freaky! But then I woke up shivering and with a racing heart. And that God damn nightmare happened all because of being terrified over how Mum might be when she comes over here. She may be all right, but I’m not letting my guard down for nothing and nobody. I don’t trust her with a grain of salt.

I can’t believe it’s winter now and it’s sstill raining! At least we don’t get thunder and lightning every day. I hate the storms in Darwin, they’re so violent and horrible! Apparently Mum loves Darwin, so all the best for her. I’m never leaving Queensland again. The weather is just right here. I’ve got my life sorted now so I don’t want to ruin it. That’s the other thing: I have to sort out most of my online shopping this week so I can focus on family gatherings and keeping my environment happy without worrying about anything except putting food on the table every day. I also need to keep a bit of money saved up so I won’t get behind on bills and all that. I’m also thinking of getting a wifi network set up, and it’s gonna cost a damn fortune! After that I’m getting a freezer and eventually a new laptop. I also have to put money aside for Christmas. Mum wants to give me a brand new iPad Mini for free, which I honestly can’t believe. But hey, I guess I won’t have to save up to buy one. Wow man, be careful what you pray for!!! The person upstairs actually listens! Oh my God! Cool, I can’t wait to get the iPad now.


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