Setting the record straight

I’m outside after doing a few chores. I did dishes, put washing on – I’ve only got my clothes to wash which is happening as I write, and next week I’m doing towels and sheets. I also have to set up a Woolworths online shopping delivery! I can’t wait! I’ve never done online shopping before, so this will be a new experience! I get to buy what I want too, instead of relying on others to help me with shopping. I’ll still need help to buy some things, but for the majority of my shopping, I’ll be able to do it myself!☺️ It means spending less time doing shopping each week, and more time doing what I want to bloody do! I’ve got a cleaner to help me out now, we also had a chitchat about cleaning service quality and we chatted to the manager who had to clear up a few concerns with me. I also told him politely in no uncertain terms that since the doctor found nothing actually wrong with me to cause stress other than my problems in my life, there’s nothing she can do. So I’ll go when I think I need to go, and other than that it’ll be the once a year to fill out paperwork. I’m super mad now, very very crabby, but at least things are fucking sorted! All I want is people to realise that I’m not frigging trying to accuse them. I just wanna fucking make sure I’ve got things straight, especially not being able to see which is my worst fucking issue with people. For Christ’s sake, noticing a small amount of dim daylight isn’t useable vision! How many times DO I need to say that!!!!!! Go’o’o’o’o’od! But hey, people do work me out eventually and we all move on. Let’s hope the relief cleaners who occasionally turn up don’t fucking cheat the system. What I want now is some wine, but I don’t FUCKEN have any. Oh well! I’ll buy another bottle of the shit when I’ve got spare money. I made sure the family has it straight that I’ve got money, but no spare money, I made that very clear since I’m sick of their friggin’ bullshit arguments and jokes about how I need to manage my money better. I’ve really had it now and my fuse has been blown. So don’t start on me about my budgeting or I’ll really let fly.
After the cleaner leaves I’m going into my room to play games on the laptop all day. I need to chill out. I’ve got O and M tomorrow and it feels like it might rain today, so I’m doing nothing as far as I’m concerned. I don’t mean to let fly at people sometimes, but when I hate how they think my emotional state is some meantal disability, I have no choice but to fucking lecture them. At least I told the cleaner what the doctor said and then how I honestly think about the whole fucking God damn situation. She knows I love her to death, she also knows I’m not always crabby when she’s here. Today is probably the only time I’ve let her see how mad I can get. I feel like shit that she thinks it’s her fault, but since she doesn’t know my thoughts and the idiots at the office write what I say on the chart but nothing is fucken clarified till I say something when she’s here and then go into a bad mood over it, then no, it’s not her fault that I’m super pissed off today. Whatever! I can’t hold a grudge forever. I’m going to this frigging job agency on Thursday so my job consultant can help me get to Centrelink. Then I’m going home and will look forward to an appointment with her on the Monday a few days after this week. I want this frigging job at the Endeavour Industries place. It will be soooooo awesome to work! I can’t wait! I need to start making friends instead of making enemies all the time. What’s wrong with me! I guess I’m just letting my impatience come out and giving me the wrong impression of me. I’m one of these kind-hearted people that gives everyone the impression that I’m a nasty bitch even if I don’t actually want people to think that of me. Oh well bad bloody luck for me. I’ll God damn get over it. All I know is that I now wish I could take medicine for my moodswings, but can totally see why the doctor won’t do it. I’m not yelling at anyone, not hitting people, I’m not telling people to f*k off and see ya later, when they leave. I do be brutally honest, but I can turn what I want to say into something a bit nicer if I really concentrate, so yeah, I see why the doctor won’t medicate me because there’s other people who really need it more than me because they have no control over their crabby behaviour. My Mum? Ah, she needs medicine lol! But she drinks alcohol worse than anyone and doesn’t control her angry behaviour, but she chooses to keep drinking. DON’T get me started on that one!!!!! I choose to get very drunk just a few times a year, and when I’m extremely angry and raging, I choose to let rip but keep control of my physical behaviour at the same time. Saying sorry doesn’t do anything to make me feel better so I just expect that I’ll feel better after a while without all the bleeding-heart apologies and condolences.
The cleaner has just left now. We discussed what to do if another cleaner stays for less time than is on the care plan. I found out that if I want something done for the place, it has to be written in the chart. All this home-care stuff is really drives me mad. I told the cleaner that so she told me everything it involves so now I’m with the mucking around a bit more. I told the cleaner that when I make complaints, sometimes I make enemies with people, and I’m good at starting wars! I’m still crazy mad, so what the fuck can I do? I’ve got my dog next to me, he’s always a life-saver for me, the apple of my eye as far as I’m concerned. Hurt him, and you’ll really put yourself in a world of hurts, and I’ll go to hell with you. When I find out what handling methods are good and bad, I stick to the good ones, so I do become enemies with people who try any crap on me. I won’t tolerate my dog being treated like just a normal pet dog. He has his guide dog rules and training, so either accept that or get out of my life. It’s nice to know that most people have good intentions towards Troy, and can help me without compromising his work and his training.

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