feelings and rambling

I’m in my room! The air-con is on and I’m much happier now that I’ve cooled off and drank some water. I hate this summer weather. I’m so glad I’ve got life sorted out. All I have to do now is wait for Tuesday to roll around so I can buy a few things to make spaghetti bog. I love spag! I’m cooking fettuccini to go with it. It’s a pain in the arse to cook, so when I cook it on rare occasions, it’s a real treat! I’m gonna read all weekend to make the time go by faster. I’ll get chores out of the road too, but besides that I haven’t got much on. I’m going out on Monday afternoon, so I’ll write when I get home. I’ve sorted shit out now, so I’m looking forward to getting paperwork sent off to Guide Dogs as soon as I get a doctor to fill it out on Friday. I know Troy’s retirement will be a while away yet, but I’d rather sort the guide Dogs stuff out now than wait for Troy to retire. Plus Guide Dogs is trying to coordinate things so I have less of a waiting time between dogs. They’ll also reassess my situation often too, in case I need to wait for a while for a new dog based on how I’m coping with things, and whether Troy is ok to work till he’s ten years old, or if he’ll retire before then. Apparently I can get a new dog within days of Troy’s retirement if I’m lucky! I’ll be sad to let Troy go, but if he’s reasonably healthy at the time, I won’t be as devastated as I would be if he was sick and I knew he’d be at risk of being put down and whatever. Troy’s doing fine now, so I wanna keep him that way. I want to find out more about how they match people with new dogs, like if you go to Brisbane and check out a few dogs, or if the dogs are brought up here. I sooooooo can’t wait! What I’m freaking out over is whether I can use a spending harness or not. I’m so used to not having to pick up dog crap, I have no idea how I’ll manage, etc! I don’t know what to expect with anything actually. I just want everything to work out.

I want to let a few woes off my chest now. Especially where blindness is concerned. I think that the way I live my life is ok. What I can’t stand is how some things are below standard only because I can’t see. I know I cook better than I used to, but when it comes to how I handle animals, it’s different. I can tell Troy to do stuff and he does. I think Troy does fine. What I fucking can’t work out is sometimes I correct Troy for doing something, when it could be different. Like, I correct him for sniffing at the ground, when he could have been putting his head down when he’s about to lie down, but I never know till the last minute. Luckily I don’t misinterpret Troy all the time. I think that VI people would do much better than me, they’d notice the difference between the dog playing up and when it’s just trying to get comfortable, whereas I sometimes stuff up. I hope I do well with the new guide dog. I’m glad I’m not living with Mum anymore, all she did was put a spanner in the works, she interfered way too God damn much. The fact that we fought like cats and dogs wasn’t good for me and Troy! I still can’t get over that one. I’m so glad I kept Troy with me when I moved to Cairns. I don’t know how Mum could have thought it fine to be horrible to me, expect me to act like a fucking sighted person, when she knew people would work me out eventually. Poor Troy! He’s perfect now, I’d start right back from October of 2007 if I could!!!!!!! I didn’t learn any lessons, I just learnt that you don’t have animals or children in dysfunctional family environments. I’m in a better place today, I’m glad I don’t live with people who think you can control every breath and wink, I’m glad Troy gets the good life. Mum had better not come near Troy when or if she comes over here. I think I’ll make sure Troy is kept at my Aunty’s place just so I won’t crack a scitz at her. My Mum shouldn’t have had her kids let alone own animals. Why she even thought of teaching us kids how to be kind to animals when she thinks she has special priveleges with how she can treat them, I don’t know. So if she wants to get upset because I won’t talk to her, then she can cry even harder, because I’m sure animals who don’t talk, wouldn’t be much different after they meet her. Mum is a horrible person, especially now that she’s an alcoholic who chooses not to take care of her own welfare just so she can get attention whenever she can get it. Good luck to her. Me and Troy and future guide dogs will do better without her in my life.

As I was saying about handling dogs, I think I should get mobs of training just to make sure I can do everything just right. I know some people will try to force me to change the rules and handling procedures and all that, but again, most people aren’t like that. I’ll just make complaints about the few people who seem to think they can jump in and tell me how to treat the dog. I really hate when people suddenly call out, asking what the dog’s name is, without any introductions or asking if they can pat the dog. Troy literally gets up to do a meet an’ greet, which I really can’t tolerate others causing him to do. I think I might put my hands on people’s dogs and not ask first, grab and play with them, talk to people out of nowhere, and see how it makes them feel. I hopefully will scare a few people and get them to wake up and realise that I’m not a bloody robot. You can’t get away with patting someone’s guide dog in America without getting into a fair bit of trouble. It’s a pity Australia’s justice system is too soft. I have noticed that if I tell people straight up that Troy’s working and he can’t be distracted, that they back off a bit. I think more ads on TV, portraying people having to deal with guide dog distraction, would be an excellent way to teach people that they’re causing problems for guide dog teams when they continually disregard what they’re being fucking told. I’m sure service dog organisations for whichever sort of working dog, don’t put stringent safety procedures in place for no reason.

Now I’m going to let rip on something I’ve wanted to discuss forever. And that’s the way VI people are treated in comparison to everyone else. My worst issue is that VI and blind people are seen as invalids. Attitudes are slowly changing. But I’ve found that lots of people are too scared to eat my food because all they know is that I’m blind and probably can’t cook properly. Lots of people also don’t know that Guide Dogs instructors train people so much that they can do tasks in their sleep. Instead of people asking blind people how they manage their lives, they just stigmatise them! I hate how disabilities are stigmatised. I feel like a burden on most people. I feel like I should be segragated from society, even though I won’t allow this to happen. Yet I am segragated spiritually, by way of most people’s attitudes towards blind people. Let me just say this: If I was put next to a sighted person, we’d be treated differently. Without naming anyone, I was with an O and M instructor one time, and when I had to use my cane and let them hold Troy’s leash, people treated her like “oh, that instructor is looking after the dog really good! She can see what she’s doing.” I happen to get treated like, “Oh that blind guide dog handler must get a lot of training from her good instructors, but she’s blind so she needs help more than a sighted person would, because I bet she still needs to look after the dog properly.” As much as I shouldn’t care what people think, I still have to put up with their attitudes, which implies presumptions about me. And implications are enough to boil my blood. As for me, I’m happy how I am, so if anyone has anything against me, they can keep it to themselves unless they can see me hurting the dog or myself, or others.

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