I want to go for a walk but I can’t…

The rain is really at it today. It has been raining a lot these past few days. So me and Troy have been inside doing hardly anything. I have O and M training this arvo, so I’ll be taking a raincoat with me. I’ll be using my cane so I can learn to get around at the esplinade, so I guess it won’t matter whether I get rained on or not. All that matters to me is that I can get some exercise and enjoy my time here before I take off. I hate moving around from place to place, but I need to find my comfort zone somewhere. At least when I come back here for holidays, I can go for a bit of a walk without having to get someone to take me. That will be nice. Brisbane will be better anyway, there’s more footpaths, entertainment targeted towards VI and blind people, more public transport, etc! Cairns is a great place. It’s just not VI friendly. Plus there’s voluntary work waiting for me. It’s moving out of here that’s gonna be the worst bit.

It’s raining so much right now I can’t even go outside. Poor Troy will be waiting for a toilet break, I don’t know what to do. It’s sooooooooo bad! I need to get milk and everything! I want someone to grab milk for me but they’ve got kids to look after so I’ll see what happens. The school holidays are in full swing, so people are either chilling out or doing everything full-on. There’s too many extremes these days and no time to do any important things or help anybody. This world is fucking dumb, and it’s any wonder God made it, trashed it after getting angry at whoever lived here, and technically re-created everything in six days. So this current earth isn’t old, but before the previous version of it got defiled by whatever issues, someone had to have been very frigging stupid and start the whole chaotic process, which God fixed and made mankind, we fucked it up, and this “someone” is still fucking things up in his own way, so the process is still on, just in a different form. And it’s called………… Fuck everybody and just look after yourself! So, I will just look after myself, but at the same time, I’ll care about other people too, however I possibly can. If they don’t like that, too bad. I’m not changing my attitudes and my way of life for absolutely anybody. Well, I’d best be taking the dog out before the rain starts again so I can come back to this blog and write some more.

I can’t decide whether I should take the dog to Mt Sheridan Plaza with me or just use my cane. I don’t want the dog to get rained on, but at the same time I fucking hate cane! I only use the cane because if I don’t, I won’t go anywhere with or without the guide dog. Poor Sam, she’s gonna have a hard time training me when the dog goes. I’m so lucky I’m not so depressed as to kill myself now. If I had to think of all this shit two years ago, I would have put the crown of my head onto hard concrete right then and there. I almost put my forhead into the floor last April, but some smart-arse put his hands in the way and pushed my head back as soon as I tried to crash-dive, so clearly if the doctor did care about keeping spew off him, it didn’t matter to him so much when he thought that taking a big chuck-up was probably the better choice than waiting for me to slam myself into the ground before doing something. I knew that the doctor wouldn’t want me to projectile spew up all over him, but he didn’t seem to care about anything when he knew I was trying to die. Boo hoo! If he didn’t want me to get spew on his shoes or sprayed all over him accidentally, then maybe he should have waited for me to hit the floor. But this dickhead was a big sook, he didn’t want me in the ICU, so he took shit rather than cry all night wishing I could go home the nextday instead of eventually to the psychiatric unit. So I was pretty lucky. Right now I just wnat to live my own life. I haven’t needed family for years, so I don’t need them now. I’m not a family orientated person. My version of a family is people who want to support one another through thick and thin, not just when life is happy and whoever you’re supporting isn’t crying too loudly or whatever conditions you’d put on why you would or wouldn’t support people. Family may be blood related, but blood relations doesn’t make anyone family. That’s another somewhat contradictory philisophical statement. I reckon you can pick your family and your friends. You’re bbbbborn into a family by blood, but really, are they family members? Maybe if they showed respect and couldn’t support you enough, that’d be the case. But if not, they’re not family when you think about it. My family can’t make me feel left out for example, because I show enough respect to myself, and I’ve got enough support from friends, that I don’t need family members to support me or be there for me. I can be there for myself. If I ever have a kid, I’d support mytself and I wouldn’t need my blood family members to help me, because I’ve got other people in my life with more respect and support. I don’t need people in my life who want to put conditions on me if I’m to receive help from them.


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