I’m drinking a cup of tea now. My fear started to control me again tonight, so I decided that no matter how hot the weather is, I’m definitely drinking tea no matter what! I’m starting to relax, so hopefully by the time I’m done, I can just lay down and crash all night. I don’t even want to know that I’m asleep, I just want to put my head on the pillow and suddenly wake up to my alarm in the morning! That will be soooooooo awesome. I really like not having any anxiety after I drink tea. I just love it. I haven’t had tea for ages so it’d be nice to drink camomile more often. Next week I want to buy another packet of tea, and possibly some natural sleeping aides. Now that I know that I won’t be putting up with surgery in the near future, I won’t need to worry about taking herbal suplements every night and having to throw them away eventually out of fear that I may have to take more prescription medications and such. Now that I don’t take prescriptions anymore, I can start a sleeping aide schedule and stick to it! But maybe if the camomile works really good, I guess I won’t need anything extra.
I got a really good support worker today! She was friendly, chatty, laughing, etc! Me and this lady had our own opinions on life, but we happily discussed them! I love people who can disagree with me and still be friendly about it. Different opinions with good conversations is always nice for me. It’s not like I expect perfection from anyone, but I do expect politeness and general friendliness and kindness. If other people think I’m too fussy just for having this attitude, well too bad so sad! I don’t have to tolerate grumpy, crabby people. It’s ok if crabbiness is a result of tiredness or other issues that’re out of someone’s control. But if people are just using their crankiness as an excuse to be rude, then there’s no way I’ll accept that. I really loved this support worker today, so everything is good. I got my cousin’s present, so now I’m totally poor and need to start saving money from next week on, or I am never getting anywhere. I want a new guide dog. Well, I need the money to get to Brisbane. Then there’s the need for money to go to Brisbane for other training courses, and eating food while I’m there. I don’t plan on starving to death very soon. I also need money for emergency situations that may never happen, but if they do and I don’t have the money, then I’m totally fucked. So I’m saving up big time.
I’m super chilled out now. I think the tea has done its job just right. It always works for me. I don’t feel so anxious and paranoid right now. I just couldn’t give a damn at the moment. I honestly wanna lie back and crash out. So I’m guessing I can just finish this blog tomorrow. I’m writing in the notes app, so I’ll just continue on with this entry when I wake up.
*****
It’s almost 5 pm now. I slept in this morning. The tea put me to sleep for a while, but i woke up crying because of a flashback that scared the fuck out of me. I got really restless and eventually got a second cuppa so i could knock myself out. I’m having two cuppas again tonight, i need to need to be elaxed enough to not get all stressed out as soon as bad thoughts run through my head. I always think negative stuff at night. Lying down is a vulnerable thing to do for. I’m seriously fucking scared of going to sleep! I hate flashbacks, nightmares etc. The only way i can lay down without getting paranoid is to drink a lot of camomile and knock out. I’d rather not notice myself falling asleep, it’s better that way. And now thay i’ve written all that shit, i might just publish this and get ready for bed. I had to clean up after Troy today, so i’m not feeding him tonight. I swear to God he must eat whatever he can find out and bring the entire heap of it back up in the house. It was this real crumbly shit too! Yuck! So after eating a bacon and egg sandwich and a piece of Christmas cake that Nan brought around, i’ve been chilling out and also editting this entry. I’ve been tapping the screen because the fucking Bluetooth signal isn’t working working working.

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