Second post of the day, but with nothing positive to say

I have to write another entry for some reason. I don’t know why. I just do. I’ve got the dinner nearly ready. I’m just still waiting for the steamed vegies to finish cooking. It should only take about fifteen minutes. Then I’ll let them cool for twenty minutes and start serving up! I only prepared pumpkin and broccoli tonight because I don’t want potatoes and carrots. Maybe next time I can add those to the dish. It’ll be good to use the broth in the crockpot as sauce for the rice and vegies! That will be nice. Then I may or may not have ice-cream, we’ll see how I’m feeling after dinner. My grief is really at me. Hearing things that happen in my friends’ lives is so painful for me. I think that’s why I’ve increased my time with WordPress lately. I can’t believe I didn’t ring Stacey last week to talk to her. I feel so bad about that. I should have read her sstatuses on FB a bit more. I should have done more of this and that, but I didn’t. I should have just called her up and begged to know what was going wrong. And now I do. It’s just so heart-breaking. I wish this situation had never have happened to her. I wish I’d called up earlier to talk to her so we could get the remarks and such off our chests earlier. I don’t have to know everything, but then I feel insulted as though I’m not meant to be of help to her. I don’t really need to know any details of her life really. I just feel that I can’t be of help if I don’t know. Honestly I don’t feel like I can help Stace anymore. I feel horrible for her, and I feel terrible that I’m not a good friend to her. I’m a bad friend and now I just want to commit suicide over that. I probably won’t do it, but I hate being a bad friend to people. I really hate it.

I can ssmell the vegies cooking nicely. I feel so disgusting at the moment that I’m going to eat all of them tonight. I don’t care if I’m being greedy. I need my vegies. I love them more than anyone. It’ss amazing how ungrateful children are towards their parents when they’re fed something they don’t like, not aware that kids their age in other countries would eat every stinking scrap off the floor just to feel satisfied. I’m sure there’s some things every person doesn’t like, but not wanting to eat most vegies because you’re not in the mood? Believe me, if kids in Africa acted this way, they’d surely never make that mistake again. After my eye troubles and operations, I make sure to eat good food all the time now. I still eat junk food, but good food has to be in my diet too.. It doesn’t stop grief or even ward it off. It just helps me to not get sick. And I don’t care what anybody says to me, but I believe vegies and fruit are magical. If not for them, you’d be malnurished, ill, and so dead. Food keeps you alive. So does water. The next person who tries to deny me water because I might vomit or some stupid thing like that, is going to have it rammed down their throat. Vomiting is no excuse not to drink. If you simply can’t drink from feeling sick, that’s fine. Sort it out somehow. But just saying outright that hey I’m thirsty, feel like spewing up, but you know, I won’t even put effort into staying hydrated, that’s not on really. If you can’t help dehydration, that’s different. But deliberately withholding water is another story. Even if you’re vomiting in hospital, if you’re not on IV fluids constantly, doctors don’t deny you water even if you drink it and throw it back up. They don’t say hey if you’re vomiting, try not drinking for a while. But they do tell you not to rush things. They tell you to drink slowly. And by the way, the bartender and whoever else was helping me the other night when I overheated from dancing, made me drink slowly too. I so thought I was out for the count. But luckily I came back to life without needing an ambulance ride. That was close. But, water is never denied unless the doctors specifically have a reason to deny it. Unfortunately for some people, vomiting and being afraid to throw up again, isnt’ one of the reasons. You could be a complete idiot and wait to get IV fluids, but chances are you’ll need water later on, and you’ll throw up whether you like it or not regardless of how empty your guts are. Why some fuckheads in this world can’t work that out I don’t know. The only thing that helps me is Panamax and a good rest. Otherwise, there’s nothing one can do other than knock you out if necessary. I’d love to be knocked out tonight. I’m so upset and soooooooo angry. I want to eat but I’m so mad as well. Yet I’m hungry for some nice vegies with chicken and rice. How nice! I’m probably going to fucking cry my eyes out instead of go to sleep later, but I’ll see how I go.

I just cccan’t put into words how I’m feeling right now. Troy clearly can’t, he’s lying near me hoping to God the happier me will come back to me soon. Sadly for him, it won’t be coming back tonight. I don’t know how I’m gonna focus on my O and M tomorrow. I really don’t. I fucking read some disturbing things that I probably shouldn’t have read. I am so frigging dumb when I want to be. What makes things worse is that I won’t be getting over my guilt and grief soon. I so should have rang my friend last week. I damn well fucking should have. I just don’t kknow how I’m going to handle this shit now. I feel like taking heaps of nurofen and two Panamaxes, but seriously I need to be in some physical pain to do that. I want to steal some of Stacey’s Mum’s diazapam. That will kill me for a while. That will make me happy for a while. I want any drug really. Anything except nicotine, cocaine and heroine. Other drugs will be fine so long as they make me happy and knock me out. I’ve really had it with being heart-broken over situations that happen to people who I know. I just don’t know what to do with myself. People seem to forget that I don’t need to know people they’re associated with to be affected somehow. Who gives a bloody fuck. I can’t put up with hearing bad things happening to people I know of in any way. I just hate. I so can’t think of anything good to write about tonight. So I’ve just been ranting to let it all go and I still don’t feel better. I feel fucking grossed out over being a bad friend to Stacey. It was when I read some stuff on Facebook last night that it really got to me. Had I read it all last week, I would have understood better and yeah I might have been crying my eyes out then, but I wouldn’t have felt so put down over not helping my friend. Not helping a friend is the worst thing I can do, so I so want to really kill and crack over this.


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