Zero motivation…

Today I’ve been super duper lazy! I slept rather well last night but for some reason I woke up feeling like I’d never slept for a week. Something is seriously wrong somewhere, even though I don’t feel that sick.It’s the horrible groggy stupid stuff I have to put up with every morning. I absolutely hate waking up in the mornings! Yet if I wake up in the afternoons, I don’t sleep well at night. I really hate my life. I don’t hate it over health issues, I don’t have any, besides the waking up trouble every day. I just hate life, but I don’t want to experience death either. What the frig do I do? Bring on the valium! But no, after six months of all the fucking tests I was allowed to have and finding nothing wrong to need more testing to fix problems I don’t have, well I can’t have the good shit. Dam’m’m’m’m’m’m’m’m’mn! Don’t like… But must take what comes anyway. Life could be worse and I’m soooooo glad it isn’t.

I’m getting ready for an early dinner. I’m tired even though I woke up at around sseven o’clock, stayed in bed till nearly nine even though I didn’t actually sleep much, took the dog out and ate breakfast, went back to bed and just chilled for a few hours, then had mandarins for a late lunch! The mandarins have kept me alive and health, but they have not kept me from wanting to sleep! So I’ll be eating a big feed of spaghetti and buns tonight. More like, after this entry hahahahaha! Then I’ll be lying in bed and giving myself three hours to wind myself down and to just let the anxiety and worry drain away so instead of falling asleep at 10 or 10:30 pm, I’ll crash at around 8 or 9 pm instead. The hardest part will be when I’ve got busy days in the future, and going to bed at 5 pm won’t be an option for me very often. I don’t actually like the idea of going to bed that early. I’m just doing this for now so I can take until 8 pm to settle into sleep, instead of going to bed at eight o’clock and taking till between ten and eleven o’clock just to fall asleep! Then again, bring on the camomile. But even then it takes a while for me to go into sleepy-head mode. Fuck this! At least it doesn’t take as long. We’ll see what happens. Maybe reading a book while I drink the tea, then going to bed, will help much better than just going straight to bed. damn my brain when it wants to be difficult. It’s not that fucking hard to lie down, close your eyes, turn off the anxious spins, and sleep. Damn it! I’m sick of this having-to-process-worries-tonight-so-they-don’t-have-to-be-sifted-through-tomorrow shit. Let’s just fuck that attitude off and let it be the case during the daytime so that night time can be used for relaxing and sleeping. Worrying about daytime stuff is a daytime activity to me. It’s just training my grey matter to get into that habit that’ll be the fucking worry for me.

The cleaners from blue Care are coming around tomorrow. I don’t know what time, because they still haven’t called me. Flaming damn. I hope they do well here. I’m sick of having to take three hours to clean one frigging unit, when it’ll only take a sighted person an hour to do the same jobs. Once a fortnight is good enough to me. I just need that bit of help to keep the house in order and I should be right. On Friday I’ll be doing a bit of shopping as well as filling out that frigging rent form and sending it to Centrelink, and sorting out my rent payment at the bank. Fuck this busy life. But that’s how it goes in this restless and fucking agitated world. I’ll be giving it agitated by the time I’ve finished my jobs on Friday afternoon. But the good thing is that I’ll be relaxing at the wharf at 6:30 that night kto celebrate a couple of birthdays! very nice. I honestly don’t know what’s happening for my birthday. I think a few secrets are being withheld from me. I was surprised enough to be sspoiled like a queen this weekend with a haircut and getting my outfit for the wedding I’m goiing to in a couple of weeks. Holy moly!I nearly died over that. Just imagine how I’ll be when it comes to my birthday! I’m definitely gonna have to wake up very early that day I can tell you. Well, I’ve finished writing for now. I’ll be back soon with another update.


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