I’m in one of my moods today. Stressed, vervy and on edge. I can’t wait for one of my friends to come around tomorrow! It’ll be a relief for me, to keep my mind distracted by good things in life, other than me. It’s not being alone that’s stressful, it’s the feeling that I have to bow down to pressure all the time that’s really making me so uncomfortable. I won’t bow down to pressure, but then I get so anxious over it that I just get all uptight and all that. Today my anxiety is reeeeeeally at me. Like, to stop me from fidgeting non-stop, my restlessness, discomfort that I get when I worry really bad, I’m seriously going to need camomile soon. I may fall asleep and stay asleep all night! But that doesn’t bother me. So long as I rest, so long as the nervous discomfort that is at me now, goes away, I’ll be happy. I made a cake and all I have to do is ice it. Life is going very well. It’s just that my stress levels over things are up at the moment.

My biggest worry is about my brother. I’m sure he wants to help me and what not. I just don’t like feeling that while he’s around, I sort of have to conform to his way of life. Like, nno swearing, just accepting what he has to say and not asking too many questions, etc. He’s not with me today. But when he comes home from work in a few days, how the heck am I going to cope with that. Ooooooorrrrr I have this dread feeling now. I don’t like it. I just want to toss and turn, I want to rub my hands all over me, to try to get rid of this damn feeling. I don’t like what’s happening. I think the tea will soothe it. But knowing me, I’ll crash after not too long. At least I can have a shower in the morning. At least it won’t matter if I stay asleep. At least I’ll feel better after my sleep. I don’t want to start having arguments with my brother. It’s freaking me out just thinking of that. I want people in my life who’re going to make me feel good. My brother isn’t one of them. It’s just that he’s my brother, so if he wants to talk to me, I can’t pretend he’s not a sibling. I think I will make that cup of tea soon. It’s not coffee which gives me that nervous, jittery feeling. I’ve had coffee hundreds of times and it’s never been this bad. I know coffee causes some nerves, but not to the point where I can’t sit still, can’t make myself comfortable. I just need a good rest, where I won’t wake up for like twwelve hours or something. That should work for me.

Now for something positive. I’m getting a Jaws upgrade certificate! Wow, in maybe two weeks, I’ll be using the latest version of Jaws. That’s exciting! I can’t wait to see how it works for me, and I hope it’s a lot better than this shit. I want to read PDFs better, I want to read web sites better. Some buttons and radio buttons in web pages are not accessible. I hope this new version of Jaws will fix that bug. I can’t wait! Cool, now I’m gonna make that tea and let all this happiness sink in. And when I’ve finished it, I will close this entry and go to sleep for however long I need to stay asleep. I should hopefully feel a lot better after that. Actually, come to think of it, staying up very late last night didn’t hellp matters much. Oh well, I should be my normal self after I finish sleeping this time. Woohoo! I’ve just made the tea, so am waiting for about ten minutes to let it brew well. In the meantime, I’m going to think of all the worries that I’ll have, that won’t stay with me. All the old memories of people who I did or didn’t like, all the shit I wish had never happened, all that discomfort that I want to get rid of, that will definitely go away when I’ve had my tea! Even if I go to sleep with concerns or worries about people or situations, hopefully I won’t remember it tomorrow, hopefully I won’t be able to stay awake through the worries which try to keep me from sleeping peacefully. Camomile is meant to stop anxiety, so I’ve put two teabags in the cup. Apparently double-strength camomile is good for falling asleep very fast if you just want to lie there peacefully and forget about the world, but need that extra push to do so. I, for some reason, cannot lie still and relax, liike I used to. Camomile is very good with helping me relax when lying down. I love it! One of my friends who’s coming around tomorrow, stresses a fair bit. I’m going to convince her to try some. If she likes the taste, she’ll be thanking me forever. Camomile tea is honestly the best relaxant and sleeping aide out there for those who don’t like other teas, and who don’t take drugs unless absolutely necessary. True honest to God! I should even think that this blog will be more cheerful by the time I’ve finished my tea. All the panic and worry that has gotten tto me today about my brother wanting to come back into my life, has really affected me negatively.

Troy is fine after yesterday’s trouble. He seemed good all day yesterday, till he suddenly started vomiting without warning. I heard him making that noise so I quickly got him outside where he had a huge spew up.. I don’t know what was at him. But today he seems fine. He licks his lips out of thirst and hunger, but it’s not constant like it had been for the past few days. I’m imagining that Troy must start feeling sick in the stomach a day or two before he vomits once or twice, then he comes good for another four weels. This is where the new diet will help him I’m sure. I just don’t have the means to store a big box of the food at the moment, which means I’d be spending more money on it each week. I could store the food in someone’s freezer, but I don’t really want to do that. I’d have to keep track of how much stuff was in their freezer and take into account how much of their stuff is in it already. Too hard and I’m not willing to put all that effort in if I can easily store whatever I want in my own freezer when I get one, plus Troy’s food, and be done with it without any fucking hassles.


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