I can’t think of an interesting title, so here goes!

I’m drinking my second cuppa coffee of the day. Thanks to Troy having his usual, nice (sarcasm), overnight chuck up which I know is because his diet is becoming too inconsistent, I had to clean up today. I knew he was going to spew, I just didn’t know when. So last night I locked him out of my room. Overnight I woke up but couldn’t get back to sleep. So I got up eventually, noticing a strange odour but not thinking anything of it. I was too sleepy and I just wanted to pee and then go back to sleep. I woke up again early this morning but didn’t think anything of it. What a dickhead! I found dog spew all over the dining room near my back door. Thanks for not waking me up before you spewed up, Troy. And thanks for making sure you vomited right at the back door because you wanted me to know that you were sick and I had to clean up after you, but only by me having to step in it! I should have tied you up outside last night. I apparently like stepping in your vomit because it’s the only way I know where it is and how severe your upset stomach is. Not really. I haven’t eaten any food today. And yeah, I had to spew up on the lawn as well just for good measure, while I was cleaning up. I thought of dosing up on Maxalon, then decided nah it can wait for a real life emergency, like if I couldn’t stop spewing up or something of that magnitude. A shower made me feel better, and that lovely cleaning supplies smell which I used to hate because I associated it with when I spewed up everywhere in the hospital’s eye clinic exam room, I now love it? Yeah, probably because I now associate that cleaning product smell with not having to smell spew. Lol! Troy hasn’t spewed up since last night. To me, it’s just a matter of, he’s eating too many scraps and he’s eating too many crumbs off the ground. So he’ll only get a quarter of a cup of food tonight. Sorry, but I need to be cruel to be kind. And tomorrow morning he gets one cup of biscuits, then one cup tomorrow night. I’ll repeat this routine for two days and then go back to three cups a day. Fuck what anyone else thinks. I need my dog to be healthy and in top shape or I’ll die. Well almost, anyway.

At least I’m getting housework done. I washed my clothes. Then I put my floor mats in the washing machine and am washing them twice. The first time I put washing powder in the machine and set it to the hot washing cycle. Now I’m waiting for the machine to wash them with the hot washing cycle once more, without the powder. Man that damn hot steam stinks! Clearly one washing wasn’t going to be enough for that rank, stinking vile vomit that was on one of the floor mats. Supposedly I’m not hygienic enough, according to some people. Well they don’t realise that at least I want clean floor mats and I don’t want my house to smell like spew. Believe me, if I were to smell vomit for long enough, I’d be on the floor chucking a fit, spewing up and then going to the hospital. All because I can’t stand spew. And there’s no medicine that will cure me of that reaction, unless the doctors want me to be a zombie for the rest of my life so that I’ll enjoy everything that comes my way, even if I need to be reminded a dozen times a day that some things are dangerous to accept. Well, I don’t want such drug side effects in my life thank you. I probably won’t chuck a fit if you don’t deprive me of oxygen, bang my head too hard on the wall or the concrete, put up with vomit for too long, or get too dehydrated or hypoglycemic. I won’t get the last symptom if I just eat right, all the time. And no, I don’t seize without reason, just because I’m sitting there and suddenly I chuck a fit. My brain isn’t that disordered thank bloody Christ.

I’m going for a walk at some point. God only knows when. And I won’t be buying fat food either. I’m too fat for that. The next time we go to the shops to get tea, I’m buying a totally healthy alternative. More like, chicken and salad and not anything from the Japanese place or the noodles place. Their food seems healthy, but it’s really junk food that appears healthy. Christ only knows what ingredients they put in their food. I’ll either cook my food at home from now on, or I’ll be buying fresh produce that you simply serve onto a plate when you’re at home. I’ve been cutting back on the soft drinks too. I love them, but they’re doing not a damn thing to help me lose weight. Exercise is meant to help people lose fat, all it’s doing to me is making me tired. That’s a very, very very very bad sign. Cutting back to junk food just once a week isn’t working either. I’m skipping take-out next week. I’ll be buying salads and fresh cooked chicken instead. Who cares if I have to lug more food to whoever’s place! It’ll be healthier than the shit from the fast-food joints. I’m sure I’ll live a lot longer too. I’m also taking less money out of the bank too. If I can’t control how fast I spend fifty dollars, then I’m tightening the budget a hell of a lot. I’ll have more control then. And I’ll save more money for important necessities.

The sun is out today. I’m liking that the weather isn’t so hot. I love the peace around here. I love when the birds sing all day long. I like it when Troy isn’t having any troubles and he can enjoy his peace too. It’ll be nice when I can get on the buses again and go into town now and then. I want something different to do. It’ll be an enjoyable experience for me to walk Troy for a while, then catch a bus, hang out at the shopping centre for a while, then come home and either walk back to my local shopping complex just for something to do, or just go straight to my house. Life will return back to normal, the way it was in Darwin. I’ll get back to where I last left off, in August when life was getting better until me and Mum decided we’d had enough of each other for good. I get to not only enjoy such an experience, but I’ll be living this normal life in a much healthier state! My life is pretty normal now. I’m not suffering. But it’ll be back to the old normality that I used to have, but without the abuse, violence, and on and off sick days. And as much as Troy is a bit of a handful and a mess to look after from time to time, I don’t regret getting a guide dog. I’m gonna have them by my side for the rest of my hopefully long life.

Oh, the other thing I need to mention before I forget is that a lady from the disability support team is coming to meet me next week! I’ve been waiting for five months to find out how my disability assessment is going. I’m gonna see how things go. I hope something is happening with my support worker, because for the amount of stuff I want to do, and need to do every week, two hours is starting to not be enough. Like, I need to go to Optus to get the Internet on my phone. But then I need to go into Centrelink sometimes. And get a few groceries, and also sit down for fifteen minutes somewhere along the line for a coffee. I know I’m probably asking for too much, but what other choice to I have when I can’t drive a car, taxis cost too much even with a transport card, and I simply cannot always rely on the bus services? Call me greedy, but if I had a car, and it doesn’t need to be the best car in town, I’d be doing most of these things independently. And I’d have to pay for my own fuel, but that’s my own problem. I can control that. I can’t control cab prices.

There’s a hundred things you could argue with me about this shit, but we’re not talking about what my life could be like according to other people based on their experiences. We’re talking about what I can do versus what I can’t do, and what my life would be like in the ideal situation that I could do some things independently instead of having to rely on a support worker’s timetable. Since I’ve got my current life situation, and it’s a lot more peaceful than it was, at least I’ll be getting part-time carer support for most things in my life. Three to five hours per week isn’t too bad! I still have to rely on a carer’s timetable to get the almost normal life that I want, but that’ll be much better than paying ten dollars a week for two hours of having to cram my things in. The other thing I hate is that some weeks my support worker has to drive for half an hour to get where I need to go, which means I can’t take that half an hour back again. Basically, if I want to go somewhere in town, I need that day to be dedicated to that particular activity, or I have to miss out. That’s fine because it happens to everyone at some point, not just to people with disabilities who needs carer support. But when it happens often, because the carer doesn’t have more time allowance for more than the typical reasons like too many things on for that day and other similar reasons, it gets really really friggen annoying! Hopefully with a couple of extra days with a carer, I can do more of the activities I like so much, without rushing or having to wait till the next week.

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