Outside… Having a wonderful afternoon!

Me and Troy are outside, have been out the back all day. I had a cuppa and toast with banana and jam and cream about four hours ago. It was delicious, but I won’t be making this every day because I find those sorts of treats way too messy! For the rest of the time I simply took in every breath of fresh air. It is soooooo much better than sleeping all day, dealing with pain. I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with pain anymore. No painkillers at all now for a good week and a half! I will take them, but only for period pains now, and any other sporadic drama that comes up in my life once a year or even less. That’s fine with me and it needs to stay that way. I don’t want the dramas, but life is life. So long as I don’t need tablets every fucking day, that’s the best part. I’m just having so much fun not having to worry about the summer heat anymore too. The autumn air is turning into winter, and I’ve been able to stay cool out here without a fan and almost no sweat! It’s be’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’eautiful. The flies are loving it to, but I make sure to swat them away as a reminder that I’m not their party host.

I had the fucking best time with my support worker yesterday. First we sat down for lunch for half an hour. For the rest of the time, I got way heaps of shopping done because next week we’re going to Vision Australia. I want to check some things out there. After this we’re going to Pet Stock, my favourite pet supplier! I need to get ear products for Troy. The vet told me months ago that I needed to clean his ears every fortnight, and both me and her forgot to sort that out! So next week I’m getting the stuff, I have no idea which kind I’ll get. It needs to be a really good one because Troy needs to stay in top shape. He goes out a lot more now and I want him to be medically presentable, not just the usual. Just because he looks fine and cute doesn’t mean he’s healthy, so I want both his medical health and his good looks to match. I also want to get a coffee while we’re in the city, I haven’t had a coffee hour on the town for soooo long! I want my life to be how it was in Darwin. It needs to be the same high life, the same happy-go-lucky attitude, getting out whenever I damn well want. The best thing is that this time it’ll be without all the abuse and the fighting, the brawling, constant on-edge crap. I’ll be able to come home happy, I’ll be able to chill out knowing that there isn’t anything bad waiting for me when I least expect it. Troy is a lot happier too I’ve noticed. When we get hoe, he just lies around like he hasn’t got a care in the world, because there is nothing to care about other than how chilled and peaceful he is. I’ve wanted this for years. It just took a drastic change in my life to get it. The only mistake I made was leaving Queensland and living with Mum. Had I not left Queensland, life would have been hard and far from rosy. But it definitely wouldn’t have been as traumatic. It would have just been a bit of a hassle settling into my new life without Mum. But the trauma wouldn’t have gotten into the mix. I fucking wish I’d stayed in Brisbane, or moved over to Cairns. Those two options in 2006 would have saved me a lot of traumatic hassle, shit which is harder to get over than just the usual teething troubles that everyone experiences when they leave home. I luckily left the harsh life behind just in time. It could have gone any way for me. But now I’ve corrected this mistake of leaving Queensland mostly, repairing most of the damage that was done thank God. The damage that is still there now is just going to heal up over time. It’ll go away. I’ve taken a stand as to what issues are mine and which issues I’ll put up with or won’t tolerate that aren’t mine. And I’ve also taken a stand as to how I’ll fix my issues. I’ve divided people with this attitude, which my support worker surprisingly understands very well! She happens to be very supportive of it, since I’m not trying to attack everybody in the process. I’ve just learnt to move on from people who expect change but won’t accept the changes, and I now try to hang around people who value improvement for what it is. The way I change my life isn’t going to please everyone, but at the same time they need to accept that they’re not living my life, so even if they don’t like some of my changes, they should be pleased and grateful that I’ve made my own improvements. As for the others, they can fuck off or get a grip. This topic is another novel already, so I won’t expand on this right now. I’m sure I’ve written about this a million times already. Just go back and read past entries so you can understand this one better.

I had Nan and Pop over for dinner last night. I was surprised that everything worked out friggen perfectly! We had chicken wings and veges. I put the wings on at about 10:30 am. I simply put the slow cooker on low and left it with a cup of water in it, didn’t touch the thing for a good four hours. I love the slow cooker now, I don’t have to do a damn thing once I get things set up. By the time I’d got them finished, they were a bit soft and so I freaked out over what Nan and Pop would think. Apparently they were done bloody perfect. I also made caramel tarts. I thought I’d do a fuckhead of a job so I didn’t put fruit in them in case I made any mistakes. When Nan saw them, she thought they were pre-made! I nearly had a heart attack when she didn’t realise that I’d made them till I told her. I bought the tart casings, but I put the filling and cream in them. She wanted to know how I did this and she was speechless as I told her. I nearly had a second heart attack over that. Pop couldn’t say a fucken thing for a good five minutes. I couldn’t breathe very well for just as long. Suddenly they’re seeing the normal adult human being side of me and can’t deny it while it’s directly in front of them.

The third shock which nearly got me down too, happened when we were all eating and I wanted to put some black sauce on my dinner. Pop offered to help me, which I honestly didn’t mind. I figured he could put it on and tell me how he was doing that. But instead, he gets me to pick up the sauce bottle and gets me to pour some over the food! I fucking couldn’t believe that he was teaching me how to do things, when his usual attitude is that I can’t see and can’t do much for myself other than extremely basic stuff. Holy fucking hell! So I nearly died over that too, but even more so than the other two times. I’m sure if I’d been shocked like this a fourth time I definitely would have bloody fainted, and that’s no joke. I’m not used to my grandparents having more expectations of me. I can understand them being more protective of me at their house because it’s set up differently. But at my house, they’ll help me when they can, but they are now expecting me to be able to do most things for myself. It’s like they’re helping me more because they want to, and not because of my disability and because they have to. It’s like they needed to see me in my own place for them to understand the not-so-disabled side of my life. It’s a pleasure for me to have people over just because we can have a good time as family, but I’m still not used to the changes even though they’re a big turn-around. Pop still has his know-all attitude, but I just let it go because that’s how he has been all of his life. Half the stuff he says is truthful and correct anyway. Some of the things he comes up with is very sickening bullshit, but Nan is similar. So somehow I’ve managed to zone out when they start their shit. Nan and Pop are getting very old now, so there’s no point in holding grudges forever. I don’t always get along with them, so now I treasure the times when I do get along. The rest of my family is divided on this too, but we’re all divided on each other’s attitude now. So I couldn’t care less. I’m living life how I want to live it, putting up with people how I’m comfortable etc. Too bad what anyone else thinks of me now, as far as I’m concerned. I’m living life just like everyone else is, and those who want to have a bad attitude towards me can deal with that issue on their own unless they’re willing to either make compromises somewhere like I have to, and have a civil and reasonable conversation with me. After that, they need to accept the outcome of the conversation and/or the resolved relationship. Otherwise, the problem isn’t on me anymore. I’m doing much better with this outlook and attitude, so good luck to people if they want me to bow down to their shit. It’s not happening.


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