Doing fine

I’m gonna go to bed soon. I had a shower this arvo, so I don’t need one tonight. I made spag for lunch. It wwas too watery so I added more sauce to it. Next time I’m gonna fry the mince and cook pasta in a separate pot, then strain the pasta, then tip the mince into that pot. I’ll see how that goes. The other way I was thinking of doing was simply to put the mince in the saucepan from the start, and when I cook the pasta, I could strain that instead of just tipping it all in with the mince. Hopefully with the extra sauce in it, it should be nice on bread in the morning! I haven’t needed any Tramadol yet either, that’s another good end to the night. Just two doses of Panamax today. I’ve been increasing the amount of artificial tears for the left eye though, it needs more fluid in it because it’s starting to hurt more and I find that more lubricating stuff gets rid of most of the irritation. Hopefully it’ll stay that way.

I don’t know what I’ll be doing tomorrow. Probbably sitting on the floor with Troy all day more like it! Tonight when I got home from Jill’s, I sat on the ground and patted Troy for a good hour. Hugging him and rubbing his chin and chest and just running my hands through his thick coat is the best thing I could ever do. He absolutely loves the pampering as much as I love giving him a good rub down! He yawned a good dozen times, stretching himself out like the world was at his feet and like he couldn’t get any closer to heaven. It was fucking unbelievable. I think that getting rid of a dead eye and al that pain, and almost all the painkillers, has turned me back into the old person I used to be. I’m not a knocked-out, drunk, sedate, half dead person anymore. I’m just the normal me. The sad part? I don’t even think I know what it’s like to feel normal anymore. If this is normal like I used to be, it is frigging damn well new to me now, since it’s been forever that I’ve felt like nothing was really wrong in my life. The good part, and this is funny, is that I’m starting to forget what it’s like to feel pain. All this crap about not knowing what it’s like to feel good if you never ever feel bad, and vice versa, is bullshit in my experience. I know what it’s like to feel good anyway. I don’t need to intellectually understand how it feels, I just know inately. Inately I understand badness because I also dislike badness very much.. So when I do feel good, like I do tonight, Instintively I’ll forget what it’s like to feel bad because I don’t need badness in my intelect since inately, I need to feel good because I like it with no regards as to my intelectual understanding of this concept or not. You philosophers out there will see my point, but as for others, well get a grip. Even the philisophers can disagree too, but my point which is more than just an opinion, is that if you feel good, you like it whether you understand it intelectually or not. Babies know good from bad instinctively, otherwise they wouldn’t cry in pain. They just don’t understand the concept. Anyway I’m going into a novel’s worth of shit here, even though I can say I’m being honest. I just don’t need to write a whole book hahahahahahahahahahaha! I like that I’m starting to forget my pain. My left eye needs sorting before it hurts a lot, but we’ll see to it promptly this time, so I won’t be nocked around by pain relievers for another six months. It feels gritty, so I’m going to be stern with my doctors and tell them that if they can’t fix it, it’s going whether they like that or not. I’m the one who needs to live a good quality of life, and if it means having two artificial eyes to get such quality in my life, too bad what anybody else thinks. They don’t understand my eye condition, they couldn’t give two stuffs about my suffering so long as they get what they want from my life. Well, I have had it with their attitude, so I’m putting my foot down with the family and with the doctors. Enough is enough, I want all my eye pain, even the least of it, fixed. I don’t care how. Just fix it.

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