The calm before the storm has passed… Forever. Now waiting for another dawn to appear

Right. Howthe frigging hell am I going to write this? Well, I’ll just say it. I used to take codeine every other day, sometimes every day. I always took pain relievers evvery day, but kept the codeine ones for necessary times. Unfortunately, I now need the codeine pain pills every single day. When I started this trend a week ago, I only needed nurofen plus and panadeine extra for part of the day. Now, I need codeine-based tablets for most of the day. By next week I’m sure I’m gonna need codeine-based stuff 24-7. by then I’ll be ready for my operation! The sad truth? The calm before the storm is forever gone. I now have to put up with whatever my eye deals out to me, right up until Wednesday next week. Today was the firt time ever that me and the pharmacist had to discuss my need for painkillers with codeine in them, every single day. I have never ever fucking been down that road, until today. I am fucking devvo! I told the dispensory person that I agreed with needing a letter from the doctor, but asked that since she already knows what the situation is, if the pharmaciist could simply ring the doctor to prove that I need the Panadeine Extra all the time now. What a sad thing to have to tell someone about how my situation is getting worse, what the doctor saw of this whole thing in December, and what the ophthalmologists have told me, and what the nurses had discussed with me the other day! I was then given the medication while we were having this really really sombre discussion, with me being told that the dispensory lady and the pharmacist was understanding of my situation and would talk to the doctor later, when the pharmacist wasn’t so busy. I said “Oh really?” with surprise that I was allowed to leave without first fidning out what the doctor had to say to the pharmacist! OMG. Lucky for me, I’m one of the real people, who really do need help and some attention to relieve real suffering. A second lucky thing is, I had a discussion with the GP in December, and she said that she’d be there for me if ever I needed her. Well today is the day, only the doctor would be talking on my behalf to the pharmacist. I am so fucken angry that I’m having to deal with my frigging sore eye like this, since I never wanted to take pain medicines in the first place. It was my pain that compelled me to start taking them regularly. So of course I went all pissed off and sarcastic about it, but then was straight and forthcoming as well. I absolutely hate druggies who give people like me a bad name because they just want medicine to enjoy a hit, when I really need to enjoy a hit just because I enjoy pain a lot less! Lucky for me I have a GP who knows damn well where I’m coming from, and so I’ve got enough pain relievers to last until next week, even though I got half a packet of them two days ago and had to get a full packet today because I wouldn’t have had enough tablets otherwise. Damn the druggies out there who just want a hit for something better to do! Damn! Damn the other fuckheads who go to hospital faking sick while I couldn’t try to get away from the ER fast enough yet still need help and couldn’t be thankful enough.

I’m going away tomorrow. I’ll be gone until Monday afternoon. I’m going to a dam at the top of a mountain range somewhere. I’ve decided to take the laptop instead of a few books, since I want a few games to play. My headphones are broken, every set of headphones I buy breaks in different ways. I guess I can just go and get some more before my hospital stay next week. If I don’t, then the doctors will have to make do with hearing Jaws talking and games clammering away, for hours.. I want to spend three days chilling out so I can relax really good at home on Monday and Tuesday. I won’t be going swimming up there. I don’t care what anyone says. My health is my number one priority I’m afraid. I’d rather play computer games than sswim these days. Oh and I get a break away from Troy as well. My un-favourite grandparents are looking after him because nobody else will feed him. I’m taking him around there tonight, just with his leash and food. I’ll walk him to their house, and since I’ll be using my cane and leaving the harness at home, I’ll be coming home to an empty house. I want to vacuum the place while Troy isn’t there. At least I’ll come home to a clean house. I’ll put washing in the washing machine first I think, then I’ll go and get Troy and bring him back. I gave him a good bath yesterday, brushed him and all. Today he got another good brushing, so he shouldn’t shed hair all over the place for a few days. I’ll brush him again on Monday and Tuesday.

On Tuesday night I’ll be sterilizing myself with prescription antibiotic soap. I have to do this that night and early on the Wednesday morning. On Tuesday night I’ll wash and dry my hair, pack my bag with books, clothes and laptop, then I’ll be up on Wednesday to swallow Panadeine Extra. I’m sure I’ll feel sick as a dog by then, nervous worse than ever. Lucky for me, the codeine will make me more care-free, more tired and less energised. I’ll also realise that I won’t be getting no glory without taking the plunge into the deep end of the pool this time. It’ll be more like, take a big jab of valium and then a few other sedatives and pain-relievers, make sure I don’t start spewing up etc. Then I’ll find myself breathing through a respirator mask, since my own ability to breathe will be severely compromised by then. My memory will be fucked, and I’ll hear some shit about taking a breath, then falling asleep. By then I’ll think that something is wrong, only to discover that I’ve started to wake up! There won’t be no feeling of actually going to sleep, just the feeling of fucking wondering why I’ve blanked out and why I havven’t been put to sleep yet… And what about my bloody fucking eye? And my horribly sore stomach and disgusting-tasting mouth? And… Crash! Only to find out later the full story, of waking up in the recovery area thinking I’m having nightmares, the doctors half-killing me and leaving me on oxygen, until I don’t look like spewing up anymore, and am able to breathe and not complain about my horribly sore stomach. Basically when the medicines are working, I’m starting to do fine. I just don’t notice because I’ would suddenly fall asleep for most of the time, wondering why I’d be starting to feel good! The freakiest thing about this whole experience will be wondering what my eye will feel like with no eyeball in it. There’ll be a replacement one, but I won’t know what that feels like either. I really hope I feel like my own eye is still there, without the pain that I usually get. There would be pain from the surgery, but I hope it goes very fast. And I hope I remember the Panadeine Forte! I remembered it last time! I also want Lemonaide. I’ll really crack it if they don’t have any. Maybe I need to bring some with me to the hospital and drink it later. I apparently hated all anti-emetics until I discovered that Lemonaide was a good one! And until I discovered that a few medicines felt really good and I wanted them again… Unfortunately absolutely not allowed unless I really was up the creek! Damn it. I definitely wanted valium. Again I was given a fat no! I’ll get it again, before my surgery. I seriously want a big dose of it this time, I soooooo need to just forget about everything. I just don’t want to wake up and spew up everywhere. Hopefully whatever I’m given besides that useless shit of a Maxalon, will wreck my memory good for a long time and I won’t have to care or notice either way. That fresh air from the oxygen mask does a fucking damn lot of good when I’m too friggen sick, angry and tired and worn-out, to breathe properly. I thought vomiting with bugs was apparently worse than crucifixion. Hmm. Let’s see. As much as I don’t want bugs and spewing up, that’s just a bump in the road compared to getting anesthetised and spewing up I can tell you! Just block my memory and drive me into next week. She’ll be sweet with no complaints. Just don’t try to remind me of what happened even three months later, because you know me, I’ll start crying for hours. Let sleeping dogs lie, as they say.

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