How I’m going

I’m ok. I had a half an hour O and M lesson this morning. I just took Panamax and four nurofens so I wouldn’t be too tired. Last night I took Panadeine Extra before bed, but had trouble sleeping because of my eye hurting on and off. Overnight I took three nurofen plusses. My eye hurts a fair bit today but not as much as it did yesterday. I think it’s because of taking so much codeine yesterday and overnight, even though I took Panamax twice yesterday. I just need to keep up with the codeine I think, so that I can control the pain better the next day. That’s really fucking hard. Am gonna take Panamax soon. I need to keep myself hydrated a lot today because obviously if codeine dries the mouth, it also dries the stomach and the intestines, and makes it really hard to put food through the system I’m definitely going to need more codeine by this arvo, which is why I’m gonna go to the shops soon. I need to get a few last minute things. I passed a unit inspection so I’m happy about that. I’ll have a good time walking to and from the shops, and will keep my eye pain controlled with a very hefty pain schedule. I’ll keep the codeine lowered a bit so I won’t go from making myself sick from suffering, to making myself sick from doing absolutely nothing but sleeping and lazing around. I need middle ground, not sick from either extreme etc. The cold sore bug is nearly gone! I’m not at all hungry today, but I’m nearly obese so not feeling hungry isn’t going to kill or harm anyone at this stage. I don’t believe in eating because you have to, I only believe in eating when hungry and having a good time whenever you can.

By next week I will definitely be extremely sedated and practically wasting away, but that doesn’t matter. My surgery will be happening by then, so the doctors will want me half asleep so I can go to sleep without freaking out! Getting put to sleep when you’re already reeeeeally dead tired, doesn’t feel like anything to me. By then I hope I am anesthetised so I can have a good sleep! It’s when I’m wide a wake and feeling fine that I don’t feel right about going into a deep sleep suddenly. I think I’ll just take less nurofen and take more Panadeine Extra from now on. It’ll mean taking Panadeine Extra for times a day and nurofen plus only occasionally, but that’s better than finding out that taking too much nurofen equals no surgery! Tomorrow is my hospital appointment, which I hope is over and done with very fast. Then it’s the waiting game again. I don’t even think I’ll care about being anesthetised by then, I’ll be so high from taking Panadeine Extra all the time, and still be in so much fucking pain anyway. All because of taking less nurofen of course. Actually, what I’ll start doing is taking nurofen plus and Panadeine on a two by two-hourly schedule, starting from next Monday. In fact I’ll make it three-hourly, which will be Panadeine extra, three hours later nurofen plus, three hours later Panadeine Extra. I don’t know if that’ll be too much, but at least I’ll not need as much ibuprofen. I just don’t want to get myself constipated, because even though I solve my own problems at home, going into hospital will be a whole different ball game! Sitting on a toilet for half an hour or drinking at least three or four big cups of water, which would amount to eight or more smaller cups, before having a loo break, won’t go down well with anybody. So I’m gonna have to put some care into this schedule, and just make sure that I don’t make this particular painn schedule too long a time. I’m a bit concerned about this schedule since you’re meant to have 60MG of codeine over a four-hour period. I think this schedule will force more than this into a four-hour time span. So I don’t fucking know what to do. I guess I could do what I usually do but more constantly, and with less nurofen. I don’t know… I’ll consider it, and in any case, I’ll pretty much have to put up with my eye getting sorer and sorer anyway. I just want less soreness than more, and I want less constipation to deal with, at least while I’m in someone else’s playground. I agree that it’s harmful, but I have some pretty radical ideas to alieviate it. It’s very curable anyway, just stop the pain, and I can stop the codeine, and then these radical ideas won’t be needed anymore! I’ll work something out. Until then, I plan on having a really good time, enjoying myself as much as I can, goinng for walks whenever it’s possible. I’ll keep remiding myself that this is the last time I’ll have to deal with this painful bullshit of an eye, the last time I’ll need to bother with planning what medications to swallow etc etc etc. At least I’ll know what to expect with my other eye, so I can sort it out quicker. And I’ll actually be able to enjoy myself a lot more, without having to pretend to feel fine!

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