Sick as a dog

I have O and M this morning. I’m gonna trudge through it and then come home and crash all day I think. I think, anyway. I’ve got a horrible cold sore in my mouth, which only codeine can dull the pain of to a good degree. Sad! Codeine is the one keeping my eye pain under control, but it’s also keeping me from feeling even sicker too. I am actually as sick as any horribly sick dog with no exaggeration. Nurofen plus, the regular stuff, and Panadeine Extra, are the medicines which are suppressing the most yucky symptoms of this mother-f of a virus. My Nan has this virus, I didn’t even go around to see her yesterday for her birthday, partly because of a few grudges, and partly cos I don’t want to give my shit to my other Aunty who is with her. I also have to look after number one, because number one needs to be healthy before her life-saving surgery! I know that’s mean, but for the people round me, my life in pain is more important to take care of till it’s better, than tending to the needs of others, at this point. The needs of other people are not valueless in that sense, they’re more like, they haven’t got ailments that need to be prioritised over, they don’t need to necessarily worry about their health every day because of upcoming appointments or whatever. Some people would be in my boat, but then they’d see where I’m coming from. I need to look after me first, since I’m the one who needs to get sorted with very little trouble.

I feel like absolute shit right now. I sooooooo want to take nurofen plus, but since I took Panadeine Extra nearly two hours ago, I’ll make the codeine way too strong for me to concentrate on O and M training today. It’ll make me feel nice, but I won’t be able to get myself around very well. So after O and M, when I feel reeeeeeeeeally horrible, I’m gonna take three nurofen plus tablets and two Panamaxes. Then I’m taking a good five or six hour nap. Tonight I’m gonna sleep right through for sure, just like I did last night, till my eye rudely woke me up overnight. But that’s fine. I’ve got pain pills, I can take them as needed. Well, as needed? That’s pretty fucken stupid to consider, because I need them every day, all day now. It’s not like I take them sporadically anymore. My eye is way off the charts now, and I know I’ll be sleeping all day soon at this rate, from simply controlling my eye pain. It’s almost like dying of cancer, only my eye is the only thing dying, yet I’m putting myself out just to keep one fucking part of me comfortable. Besides that, I made my coffee really disgusting by putting too much milk in it. I’ll make another cuppa after this, just so I can stay awake. And I’m gonna use a bit less milk I think. My Aunty is the same, she can’t have too much milk in her coffee either. Bad-tasting coffee makes me feel a bit nauseated, but at least it’s not terrible to put up with, I just need to make the flavour stronger and less milky. I also want that horrible taste in my mouth to go away. Those cold sores are really hurting me, the whole virus is hurting the fuck out of me. I think I might just have to take two nurofen plus tablets now, I can deal with a bit of extra codeine if you ask me. I’m in sooooooo much fuuuuuuuucking pain, I think maybe I’ll get through O and M even if I am a bit more tired and am not concentrating the best. At least I won’t feel as sore and tired from my eye and feeling like shit. But as usual, the family had to say I was being negative and that only negative people get sick, that I’ve been overdosing the codeine or am hallucinating from my drugs, all that fucking crap. So now, where’s the codeine-making-me-sick idea gone to, when I really am sick? And, where’s the hallucinating from the drugs thing, when I feel liek absolute shit and have cold sores? I’m not disputing that codeine slows things down and can fuck my stomach up a bit, hence maybe drinking more water and eating regularly, having a sleep when I need one, whatever. But um, my stomach doesn’t fuck up so much that I have to throw the codeine in the bin over it! I’m definitely not throwing it away because I feel sick now, because I know it’s not all medicine-related. The sick stuff that is related, if you don’t account for the cold sores and sore belly from feeling like crap with this bug, is more like if I’ve had any tablet really and it needs to kick in and make me feel all right and just weird in the stomach but nothing too bad. By then some water and a snack is just fine, or maybe a bit of a sleep and I’m fine, or whatever. My weird feeling in the stomach just goes away, never feels noticeably sick unless I’m really paying attention to it, in which case I’m not all that sick. So all my family’s ideas about codeine playing up on me, unless I’ve overdosed it, are so wrong, since I haven’t overdosed it at all. And the funny bit is that when I took Panadeine Forte a bit early one time, instead of making me feel really sick, that other weird feeling just got stronger without making me more nauseated or painful! It just goes to show what the doctors have seen all along… That I only get sick for a short while and then my stomach just keeps to that funny feeling like it’s slowed down a lot or something. It’s funny. It’s like a giddy feeling, but instead of a fast, over-stimulated sort of thing, it’s under-stimulated instead. That’s where water and a bit of food, well a lot of it in my case, comes in. Anyway, codeine isn’t causing all these severe stomach issues that this fucking bug is doing to me. it would do if I overdose it or never drink enough water when I take it, or don’t eat regularly enough. But when I notice myself lapsing in this shit, well I just get a drink of milk and some water, then I’m right. I could throw my virus in the bin for sure, but sadly I can’t just pick it up and chuck it. It has to be killed off. So it has nothing to do with codeine making me sick. It’s the morphine and some other medications which are banned from my list of medicines which are definite troublemakers. So yeah, unless the family knows what’s happening, maybe they should keep the comments to themselves. And, I’m gonna get some nurofen plus. I’m in pain. I’m sick, and the codeine, funnily enough, will make me less sick too. It’ll kick in nicely and the digestion trouble I have with it will be gone once the tablet is dissolved and gone. Oh well that’s friggen nothing! At least this is just a side effect, unlike endone and morphine, which has more of an alergic reaction. It’s not a full-blown alergy as such, just a really severe reaction which I’d say is a horrible side effect but borderline to alergies. Same with endone. Codeine is waaaaaaaay mild with my stomach, but it is severe with tiredness, drowsiness, and lack of concentration. But it feels nice at the same time, making the experience a pleasant one, even though it’s really all over the place lol! That’s whiy other people get concerned about me, and forget that um, if I don’t run around too much, stay home more often and only go out when I’ve taken a lower dose of the stuff,, then the side effects won’t turn into a bother for me.

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