Definitely need a break from CB… and enjoying my peace while it lasts

I’m taking a break from Caringbridge for a while. I know I always say that, but now I not only mean for a while as in a day or two. I mean I want a break from it for a good week or two. Of course if I find any urgent prayer needs on the Cole’s Foundation website which you can search for on Google, I won’t read the journals. Another little kid died yesterday. Sad. Another kid who I’ve followed through thick and thin for a good three years, or maybe two. Whatever! I followed this child’s journey and now he’s suddenly gone. He went from doing all right, to getting sicker, to hopefully finding a way through his issues, to suddenly taking his last flight. It just shows how fragile life can be. Another child, who is fighting strong, is slowly dying. This, unforutnately, is expected more so, only because of the complications that are happening because of a bone marrow transplant, and two viruses which are making it hard to control the GVHD problems, and those problems making it almost impossible to control the viruses. Both health concerns are killing her. I’ll update on her progress when I read any major news. Positive attitudes do get people through hard times, but if I knew someone was dying, my positive thinking would go out the window. Oh well. Everyone reacts to the same situation differently.

Yesterday I walked to and from the shops. After discovering that I was spending a bit too much money on taxis, I decided that exercise is a bit more important than getting in a cab, even though it was boiling hot. I was in a lot of pain, I was in a horrible mood. I was really angry at my Uncle because he was joking with me for the past two days on and off, about how pissed I was, how many pain pills I’d take at one time or try to fit in within a span of time, etc. How I react to them, bla bla bla. He’d laugh a bit, then joke when I’d defend myself, then whenever I’d tell him to shut up or say that I don’t need to prove anything, that I wasn’t doing too bad, and all the other shit about my fucking eye going rotten and whatever I could say to make him quit. So I went to the chemist to get Panadeine Extra and nurofen plus, and had a fucking frank discussion with the pharmacist, angrily disapproving of what my family was doing. As much as they were all concerned about me and how I was taking painkillers all day, even though I didn’t go over the prescribed amount and didn’t take more doses in twenty-four hours than was prescribed I was angry with them because I’m the one in pain and I was keeping it under control however I could, and I didn’t need their shit as well. Well me and the pharmaciist ddecidedd on a round-the-clock schedule, with nurofen fitted into it. I can take the panadol-related medicines every six hours and plain nurofen every four hours, nurofen plus every four hours as well, but it means spacing out the Panadeine Extra to every eight hours so I can still take the other medicines. Hopefully the family won’t keep on with their unnecessary shit anymore. I agree with the concerns, but when it gets far enough out of hand that I have to snap at people aand tell them to ring the doctors then, I won’t tolerate it. I went off at my Uncle yesterday afternoon, telling him to ask the doctors what’s happpening with me, if I’m apparently lying to everyone. After that thg half-mockinng jokes stopped, and I was glad I could have some peace about my pain relief schedule which I have no choice about because my eye is such a rotten bum. I’ve got my pain back under control now, so I’ll just keep it that way. I took Panadeine Extra this morning, if my eye starts hurting a lot by ten o’clock, I’m going to need to take Panamax and nurofen plus. It’s a sad life when I have to get a pain relief plan sorted out with a fucking pharmacist just so I can kill a few people after hearing more remarks from them. Nobody, as it seems, likes me very much when I’m on codeine because I’m apparently very drunk and out of it. Good! At least I’m not in fucken pain or vomiting every five minutes. I spewed up all over the kitchen floor a few days ago because i tried this liquid loly shit, which you spray into your mouth and it’s like sucking a lolly, except that it’s liquid so you just swallow it. Well I tried to swallow it with water because my cousin got up me because she didn’t want me to spit in the sink. Well I was angry with her after I vomited on the floor because I couldn’t even swallow the lolly crap with water, which I nearly choked on because I wouldn’t stop drinking it despite spewing it back up onto the floor. So after that I demanded to get another cup of water, which I drank and held that down. I had the sorest belly for nearly an hour after that. I wasn’t angry with my cousin over trying this lolly thing, I was angry at her because if I’d spat it out, the sink would have been cleaned within ten seconds with a spray and wipe solution. But no, I had to just drink water to swallow the lolly, and throw up half a mouthful of gobby crap all over the floor instead! Obviously the lolly which I couldn’t stand the teaste of, was in that shit, so it proves to my apparently stoic cousin that you can’t stop yourself from throwing up what you detest, no matter what you do to hold it down. I’m a terrible person when it comes to horrible smells and taste, and spew. You couldn’t punish me by making me taste soap and what not, I’d get so fucken sick I’d pretty much get away with murder really fast. Lol as much as I wanted to try the crap that my little cousin was spraying into his mouth and liked to eat, my older cousin who’s his mother, learnt very fast that making me swallow horrible stuff instead of simply spitting it out, creates more mess than if she’d listened to me in the first place! So yeah, al the joking over me supposedly overdosing painkillers and taking them all day and all night and whatever other crap my uncle had to think of, started after this friggen incident. At least now that I went off my head about the family needing to ask the doctors what I’m like with pain pills, instead of just assuming stuff, other issues that causes me to spew up won’t be blamed on codeine and whatever other shit I’m given to fix my eye pain. We’ve already binned endone and morphine, so I’m not binning codeine over spewing up after trying a liquid candy crappy thing. The funny thing is, I’d taken the codeine in the morning, and Panamax after lunch, so by the time I spewed up when I tasted the lolly thing, it was afternoon and the codeine was pretty much worn off. And without being a total dick and testing new foods which I’m warned might taste horrible, I don’t suddenly spew up everywhere like I do with endone. I spew up a bit when I swallow codeine the wrong way, but I’m the same with Panamaxx because the tablets aren’t sugar-coated. Then I feel a bit like spewing up because of that bitter feeling and I have to absorb it through my stomach. But after that I’m fine, other than mildly queasy and very drunk, like if I’ve had too much baileys. I can still eat and drink without spewing up unless I start choking, but I’m not binning codeine over choking on a piece of food. I could choke and then spew up if I haven’t taken painkillers. I only throw pain pills away if everything I do doesn’t relieve the reaction. Codeine is just fine, so joking with me about how pissed and sick I get won’t change that I’ll take codeine for as long as I need it. Getting sick the other day wasn’t even related to pain pills anyway. My family takes concerns over medication way too far when they want to. It drives me fucking mad.

My cousin is leaving in a couple of days. We had a farewell party for him last night. It’s a bbit hard to put up with family members leaving, but at least we can visit him any time we want. He’s going to Sydney to live. Oh well. I lived in Darwin for six years and then came back here. I’m not saying this cousin will ever come back here to live, it’s just that we can visit him if we go to Sydney, like they could have gone to Darwin to visit me. It seems like our family dismisses anyone who doesn’t live with them. They don’t necessarily disown people, they just have this mentality that if I or other family members aren’t living near them, then we’re part of the family but not of their particular group. While I was in Darwin I was still family, but not really part of the life of the family. Oh well my cousin will be considered like this even though I’ll be thinking of him all the time. As for my two brothers, I don’t want them in my life again. My horrible sisters-in-law act as though I dont exist, other than on Facebook. Oh well. They don’t exist to me anymore either. Actually, one of my sisters-in-law doesn’t even care that I exist, let alone exist on Facebook. So that’s two more people disowned, not just dismissed until you see them again. Last night my sister-in-law was talking and laughing with everyone as though I wasn’t there, I was the same way. I didn’t try to be outright and act like I was competing with her, I just didn’t treat her like a sister-in-law. She was a stranger to me, and I want it to stay that way. I was thinking of getting her a birthday present when the time comes, but I don’t think so. I whispered to my Aunty that I could get her a bycle, but then I thought, actually no I won’t get one. It’s not like her and Jason and Josh would wish me a happy new year or a merry Christmas, so why should I put myself out for them? If they want to blame me for things and act like I’m the inferior species of the family, they can fall into their own hole. I’m not gonna be the net that protects them any longer. I’m sick of being the blind doormat, the retarded and bad sister. I’’m not anybody’s sister who wants to treat me like a dog. My siblings want to do this to me? Then they’re never talking to me or seeing me again, that’s blunt and simple and final. There’s never any resolution to our problems, just blame and bickering and accusing back and forth. And I’m the doormat and the fuckhead who puts up with the shit because I choosse to be less than. Well, I’m not the less than, the doormat, the fuckhead, anymore. I’m the person who I was born to be, without two selfish pigs and two sisters-in-law in my life, who think they can make me into who they want me to be instead of accepting me for who I am. Ok, so if they don’t like me, I have no issue with them never being part of my existence I can tell you. And I’m like that with anyone who doesn’t like me. And I’m the same with people I don’t like. Of course some relationships change. I’m flexible to that. But if people are adamant about disliking me or vice versa, then fuck off! Fine, I don’t need to know you, I can move on and be happy that there’s still a few more people around who I can get along with. Then there’s me. I can always try to get along with myself, no skin off my nose if I find myself without other people in my life one day. I put up with having hardly anyone to support me while I was in Darwin, it hasn’t changed now that I’m in Cairns, and it will nevver change. Good luck if I have friends and family, good luck too, if I know how to support my own life if I’m so unlikeable. The only thing I get offended about is if people who hate me, pretend to liike me. I’m a lot less offended if people admit to wishing I was dead and never talking to me again, I can just smile and say fine, goodbye forever. But don’t beat around the bush and like me to my face and hate me behind my back. That’s a no-no. Be brave and hate me to my face, show at least that you don’t like me even if you can’t say it, instead of the pretending to like me rubbish. I can deal with honesty whether in action or in words, I cannot deal with dishonesty and lying. I’m likely to disown the entire family or almost every friend over one person being dishonest about liking or disliking me. But if the said family member or friend is forthcoming in any way about disliking me, then they’ll be out of my life in a flash with no problem, and my other friends will still be in my life. I’ll never cut Stace out of my life though. We argue on and off, but mostly we get on very well and she’s a lovely friend. Forget the bad moods which always causes everybody to appear nasty at times. Stacey is a nice person and she’s honest about everything, except for personal stuff of course. Lol nobody needs to be truthful about every damn thing! But at least she’s a good friend for me, that’s the best thing. Mum has tried to make me and Stacey break our friendship a few times, but now I’ve broken my relationship with Mum, because she’s such a selfish pig. Me and Mum and Dad are irrevocably estranged now. That’s hard, but so is having to put up with their shit.

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