Stressed and very nervous and feeling off-colour

Today I’ve got my hospital appointments! I’ll be going home after them. I was told this yesterday when I was given a phone call from one of my ophthalmologists. Tonight I’ll make sure my bag is packed and ready for tomorrow, in case I’m kept in hospital overnight. Chances are very high I won’t be coming back home tomorrow night. Oh well,, I want to enjoy my little holiday while it lasts, and try to con the doctors into giving me as much Panadeine Forte as I can safely take in a day, just so I can enjoy my life for lack of knowing the bad stuff in it! That’s a very cruel way of dealing with spewing up, but I figure it’ll be the only way for me to feel good. To be able to deny it completely by losing any awareness of it. Hopefully I won’t need to spew up, so I shouldn’t have to be cruel like this. But I believe in being cruel to be kind, so I can’t be being that cruel to myself. I just want to have a better time than I did the last time I was in hospital. Nan created a hell hole for me. It’s ok to want to get up and have a shower and go to the loo and do this and do that! But that’s not the issue. It’s the way the situation was handled whilst this process was going on. It was like, pretend that the vomiting isn’t affecting me adversely, it’s all right. Um, no it’s not, and I’d like to get up when I’m ready to get up thank you. Let’s not write a book on this subject today! I had a bad sleep last night, felt sick for half the night, had to take nurofen plus overnight, and regular nurofen and Panamax this morning… Just to feel a bit better about my eye, and I needed my stomach to feel reasonable so I could force-feed two slices of toast into my system. The Panamax had to have worked pretty good, because I was able to have a cuppa as well! I feel a bit off-colour, but not any worse. I think I’m a tad better. I’ll just take more Panamax and some nurofen plus before Jill gets here at around 12:30. At least I know it’s not a bug I’ve got. I know it’s the stress at me. I don’t have a fever or anything, just an upset stomach, which should get better by tonight hopefully. I’ll just keep forcing small amounts down just so I don’t feel worse. I’m freaking out over my eye too, so until it gets fixed or removed, my fear will get to me.

I was gonna go for a walk to the shops, but that’s not happening because of the rain. So I’m glad I had a little sleep in. Well it was more like sleeping in til 6:45, but that’s better than staying in bed all day! All I need to do now is chill out, vacuum the floor, have a shower, and get ready for the hospital. I’m not up to vacuuming the floor but I have to do it at some point anyway. I also need to keep telling myself that the ultra-sound will be fine. I feel like shit right now, just thinking about my three appointments today. Yet it’s only two of them I’m freaking out over. I hope they give me a valium, but I can’t say they will give it to me. I just don’t want to feel like shit and get so upset that I spew up even just a little. That’s fucking damn embarrassing! It’s easy for people to tell me to relax and chill out, but man that’s hard. My gut gets so knotted up and hurts, then I get nauseated. Like I’m gonna relax when I feel sick! I do find that drinking a litre of water or thereabouts, fixes the nausea feeling a bit, but. But sometimes if I’m way too nervous, I can’t drink much because for some reason I feel worse, but at other times I feel better. I just don’t get how my stress can affect me so badly. Hopefully I’ll be told to drink lots of water before the ultra-sound, so I shouldn’t spew up at all. I hope I’m not forced to drink contrast or have it injected, that’s a fucking horror for me. I’ll run away from the hospital if that’s gonna happen. That’s why I think they should give me two or three valiums. It’ll keep me from reacting to the shit. I’m definitely gonna want some tomorrow night and the next day! Starving all day because of spewing up is gonna be a very nice experience for me! (Sarcasm) if I have to put up with that bullshit again, I want to be really high as a kite so I can actually feel good and I can be oblivious to the crap. I am seriously so glad I don’t have any more Panadeine Forte, otherwise I would be taking it to the hospital and swallowing it when nobody is looking!

The other really good news is that Nan and Pop aren’t here to bother me! Yaaaaahhhhhooooooo! I just wanted to leave that bit of news till last, just to surprise everyone. Good riddance to them. All they do is create dramas while expecting me to keep it together. Big knot in the stomach when I think of that! Eeeeeeeuuuuuuuuu I can’t keep thinking of the bad stuff… I need to keep reminding myself that Nan and Pop aren’t gonna bother me, and that if I spew up, the nurses won’t whack me on the back a few times to try to pleasure me into feeling good about it, or as though I’m choking when heaving is different from choking, etc etc etc. Nanna is an evil person, encouraging me into feeling good that I’m relieved by spewing up. Yeah, actually I was more relieved when I stopped spewing up. I was uncomfortable and wanted to commit suicide, sleep forever, all that shit.. But I had this relief that I wasn’t spewing up anymore too, because of the needle they stabbed in my leg. Fortunately for a lot of my blog readers, I did not kill myself! My doctors are too kind to let me die or kill me themselves. So they kept me alive by talking me into believing that they’ll help me. It took until two weeks ago for them to get me to believe in them. But that’s better than having a dead person on their books. Plus I want to feel what it’s like to have no pain again. It has been a good five months now that I’ve suffered nearly every day. I want to have no pain and not have to take pain medication all day. That will be wonderful. To add that Nan and Pop won’t be hassling me while they’re away, is even more wonderful! They’re at my Aunty’s place in McKay because another Aunty of mine is dying of age and dementia. I feel sorry for her. I hope Nan and Pop are giving her peace for God’s sake. I’m sure if I was half dead, I wouldn’t want someone talking in my ear all day about absolute shit, and then expecting me to listen and respond to the conversation. Now I’m reliving a few sickening experiences… Aaaaaah damn it! Stop thinking about them.

Today will be fine… Tomorrow might not be so fine, but it’ll be better than last time since I’ll be getting the appropriate care I need, without Nan and Pop rudely distracting the nurses from doing their jobs. I can press the call button that will be next to me whenever I need help, without constantly hearing that I’ll be fine this and that, when all I want to hear is that I’ll be fine after whatever next treatment plan I ask for, or the doctors suggest. Nan and Pop are fucking moles and I can’t say it enough. It’s ok,, when Jill and Carly are visiting me, the nurses will still come and go as needed, and my family won’t object to me pressing the call button sometimes. I don’t mind people asking why I’d need a nurse at a given moment, because they can’t read minds or feel my body! But that’s better than saying “Hey it’s all right you don’t need the nurse yet, I’ll help you. What do you want?” Um, let me decide who I need help from actually. If it’s minor, yes I’d get the family to help me. But if I’m uncomfortable, I probably need a bit of medical TLC? Again Nan and Pop are fucking nauseating. As much as I haven’t forgiven Nan for November’s crap with her hassling me while I was feeling sick, because she had no consideration that I wasn’t doing very well, and in January when I nearly fainted and almost spewed up and nearly died too (no exaggeration intended), and she didn’t give a fuck, and then a couple of weeks ago when she gave a fuck only about keeping my eye and having no consideration about my quality of life – I haven’t forgiven her for any of these things yet, I will still get over her and Pop’s shit. They’ve not spoken to me since then, when I rang them last weekend and told them politely how I felt about my situation. That’s fine. I hate them so much anyway. They seem to think they can show concern about me how they’d feel about my life, yet they show no concern about how I feel, my discomfort, all that crap, yet that’s fine? They don’t want me to be in pain, yet they want it their way, for me to put up with it because there’s no cure. But then they’ll say they don’t want me addicted to medicine. Yet they’ll say that I’m better off the way I am. So basically they want me to have a good quality of life in no pain, but if I’m in pain I need to act as though I’m not in pain. They haven’t said it like that, but that’s what they really mean. So I’ve given up on them, and because I haven’t gone to my un-favourite cousin’s gay child’s birthday party, I’m on their bad books too. So they’re not talking to me because of that and because of the way I want a life without pain, rather than a life with pain but pretending to not be in pain. I went off at Carly last night over this. It’s not her fault. I just wanted to let her know that I’m sick of people treating me like a fucken doormat, I’m sick of people expecting their problems to be mine also. I’m sick of everything. Then I felt that way literally, last night. Then my eye gave me grief during the night so I called it quits and took nurofen plus. I figure that codeine addiction is more curable than my current physical eye pain now turned into other physical stress illnesses. I’ll get over it. I’ll have a bit more fun in the hospital this time. I can lay with my laptop whenever I damn want. I’ll have a call button, I can use the fucken thing. I have doctors, I can ask a hundred questions till I annoy the frig out of them. I’ll be a wiser person for that, and I can go home knowing how to stay alive and help myself get better.

Now that I’ve written a nice novel and gotten all the shit off my mind,, I guess I can post this entry! I’ll make another one tonight. Hopefully I’ll be home when I write it. I was told I’d be able to go home, so hopefully everything goes well so I can go home. I’m just going to chill out instead of vacuuming too. If I’m up to it I’ll vacuum later, otherwise it can be done in the morning. Maybe I should just leave the rest of the housework for tomorrow morning. I’ve got half a load of washing to do anyway, I think that’ll be enough for me today. I also need to drink a good gallon of wateer to keep my stomach from getting really uncomfortable. I was feeling soooo good last night until I went to bed. Then the stomach upset started. And today I still feel a bit sick. I know it’s stress because I get like this every time I know I’l be putting up with shit. I’ll let you all know how everything has gone. It may take three books to write about it, but that’s fine with me. Who cares! WordPress is pretty limitless, unlike another site I used to write in.

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