Preparing for the next hospital admission

I nearly didn’t end up going to the shops because it started to rain. But at five o’clock, I went outside, and the rain had stopped! So me and Troy went and I got a few things from the IGA. I ordered a fish burger and chips, so while I was waiting, I got the stuff. I got my bread and milk, and two packets of tim-tams! I seriously need some incentive to eat when I get home from hospital. Feeling like I need to spew up doesn’t go down well, and if there’s chocolate around, I’m always gonna want that! And there’s ice-cream. There’s not much of that, but eating some is better than half-dying of a super high sugar level. Sometimes I eat way too much junk food. I’m giving up on the junk food for a while I think. There’s the sushi place and a noodles place, so I’ll just get food from there. Putting on weight is getting a bit much for me now. I can’t afford to get much fatter, I don’t want to buy new clothes! I’m sure to lose three or four kilos this week though. I won’t get any fat food in the hospital, and I’ll be drinking all their water! Hopefully they won’t run out of water by the time I’ve finished my holiday in there. They shouldn’t run out of their nausea medicine either, I’m gonna need a load of it. I’m also gonna need a load of soft drink when I get home. I’ve got coke and ginger ale which needs to go. So I’m gonna down the ginger ale first, then the coke. I’ve got everything sorted for this week so that’s all good. I just need to spend five hours doing housework tomorrow and she’s sweet.

I’m going to the chemist tomorrow to buy Panadeine Extra, the non-prescription version of Panadeine Forte. I will leave it in the cupboard for when I get home from hospital. I may need to take some of it in the meantime, but at least I won’t be running to a chemist except for prescriptions that the doctor wants me to take home. At the moment I’ve got Panamax, nurofen plus, and regular nurofen. In fact I have both the fast-acting and normal kinds. So yes, I have half a chemist at home here already! I’m in for a fucking battle this week. If I’m not wrong, I’ll be admitted to hospital on Tuesday night. Rather than fuck ass around, I’m going to get my house put in order, Troy all prepared for if I don’t come back home on Tuesday, and my stuff packed, so if I need to come out to the car and go home, that’s good! But if the doctors say come back and sleep here, I’ll get my stuff out of the car and that will be it. There’s no turning back for me. I tried to kill myself, then I made another suicide plan, but didn’t put it into action. I didn’t get the time. The good family was always here and there, dragging me out with them whenever they could. The doctors got me used to the fact that I’ll be in their care to get better, not to get any worse. I thought of this suicide plan, but since I was told that I can get my eye looked at and tested a bit more and then the doctors could work out how to save it, I figured that maybe I shouldn’t hang myself. The doctors reckon they wanna make my life as comfortable as possible if they can’t save my eye. At this point I’ve given up on hanging. I see no point in making a noose and a make-shift gallows if the doctors have a few more tricks up their sleeves. And now that Nan and Pop aren’t involved in any of this anymore, the doctors’ lives and their jobs will be made a lot easier! They won’t have people telling me that I don’t need pain relievers, that I don’t need to press the call button to get help, bla bla bla. The doctors won’t have people expecting me to stop being sooky, when in reality the dickheads need to stop blaming me for their sooky attitude! I’m only a sooky person because I really love getting sick and putting up with a lot of pain? Yep I’m being sarcastic again.

I hope I’m not stuck in the hospital for too long. I hope I’m in there till Thursday at least. I was thinking I could take my Panadeine Extra with me so if I spew up, I can quickly swallow some and artificially feel just fine, at least for four hours. But I don’t think the doctors will allow that somehow. I will be taking minties with me. At least if I need to take a Zofran, I can put a minty in my mouth and get rid of that vomit taste it gives me. It makes me feel like I’ve got a mouthful of spew that I haven’t cleaned out yet. Like, that’s fucking disgusting! I’m sure the minties will give me a clean breath feeling. I don’t want to take anti-emetics, only for them to make me throw up a lot more. I thought anti-emetics stopped vomiting. I personally think they make it worse for me. I’d rather just take IV fluids and no anti-nausea medicine. Oh, and don’t forget the Panadeine Forte! Just add a little extra codeine and I’ll be great for eight hours. Just assume that what I don’t know never happened, and I won’t grieve. I think everyone would love me more if I was smiling and telling people that I feel fine, am doing fine, etc, even if I’m far from it. Let’s just say that the doctors won’t do this for me either. Why they think I enjoy spewing up, I have no idea. It’s not as if vomiting is of any relief to me. It does more to hurt me than anything. Ha, at least my witch of a grandparents won’t be there to enjoy my suffering. I can’t see the doctors enjoying it, but I can’t see why they can’t help me lose touch with reality a bit so I can enjoy a temporarily fake happy life. By the time six hours has passed, I might well have gotten over the spew without even knowing I’ve ever started doing it! Right now I want a few valiums just to get rid of this damn anxiety I’ve got about this week. But nope, the doctors won’t give me that shit either! Fuck them. I want to feel good so I won’t try to kill myself. I’d also appreciate losing a bit of memory so I can suffer without knowing it, not ever recall my suffering, and feel normal later as if I’ve never suffered. OK I might feel a bit sick and off-colour, but that’s better than being aware of full-blown dramas. It’s all right, maybe without Nan and Pop to badger me, the doctors will have more control over the situation. The rest of my family won’t take over and do their jobs, and I might wind up being a little bit happier with a little less misery. Give and take that my eye will feel like a bitch, but getting help from the people who know what they’re doing will do me just fine, and I’ll live for another fifty years.

I’m going to Jill’s place tomorrow night. Hopefully the house will be spotless by then, and I can just chill out on Tuesday morning and have a good meal for lunch. I’m definitely keeping my mobile with me in case somebody gives me a call. All this leaving my phone in the kitchen or anywhere else I can’t hear it, is getting to me. My plan is: Get off my fat lazy ass and get out of bed early in the morning so I can start getting my clothes washed. I can eat, have a cuppa and my pain pills, and be ready to leave home at 7:30. Then I can go to the shops and buy more medication so I’ve got some at home when I get out of hospital later in the week. When I get home, I can get straight into the rest of my housework. I’ll vacuum, clean the toilet and basin, and then start packing my overnight bag. I might even mop the floor if I’m up to it. Mopping takes me forever, but it has to be done. I could even organise myself so that when I’ve mopped the floor, I can go to Jill’s house straight away and not worry about anything else till later. I don’t know. I’ll see how I feel. I could be brazen and mop the floor the next day, making sure my stuff is ready in case Bill turns up. But then I need time to eat lunch and everything. Maybe I should just do it early on Tuesday morning! Then when the floor is dried, I can give it another vacuum, groom Troy, and everything is done. I want to come home to a very clean house. Basically, when I get home, I want to simply turn the air-conditioner on and lay down for the next twenty-four hours and sleep off all the drugs that’re left over from the hospital. Um, I’ll make sure I’ve got water and tim-tams next to me so I can eat and drink, and keep myself alive, until I can get myself back to normal. I don’t want to have to wash sheets and all that. I want to rest for a good few days before I do any chores I can tell you.

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