Still going strong

I know it has only been a few hours since I’ve written, but I thought I’d get back into the habit of writing regularly like I used to do when I first started this blog. I’m doing a bit better than this morning! My flu symptoms are getting less by the hour. The good news is that this flu is easy to fight off because I have hard blood, but the bad news is that I’ll definitely be admitted to hospital next week. Doctors love admitting very healthy people! Of course if someone is dying and they’re sick, the hospital is the best place for them. That’s another argument for my grandparents, but I’m fed up with them and their cynical fucking crap, so let’s not go there today. I don’t need to spoil my improving health by worthless attitude problems.

My eye is doing sort of ok. I only needed regular nurofen this afternoon! That’s simply because I sorted out a horrible flare-up with Panadeine Forte and nurofen plus and Panamax. In a few hours I’m gonna need some Panamax and nurofen plus for sure. I’ll see how the Panamax goes, and then if my eye gets out of control, I’ll take the nurofen plus. The less nurofen I take, the better. I can’t see my eye staying very controlled though, just by taking paracetamol four times a day without other pain relievers. I’ll see how I go. I tried this idea before, and I fucked up miserably.

I think what I’ll do is take the Panamax around the clock, but in between, I’ll go with the regular nurofen or the nurofen plus as needed. That will make for between six to ten tablets every friggen day. But if it means less suffering, that’s what I must do. It means in the morning I take Panamax, then three hours later, something else, then Panamax in another three hours… And so forth. If I do find that I need to take Panama every four hours for effective pain relief, then I’ll just work the other medicines into that schedule whenever I can fit them in, to make the pain relief even better, since the effective four-hour scheduled Panamax might make my eye pain just bearable. I want my pain to be between 2 and 5 on the pain scale. In the morning when I wake up, my pain is always between 6 and 10. I rarely wake up with my pain at 5, if I happen to time yesterday’s pain relief schedule exactly right. When I take Panamax, I can get my pain from my average of 8 to 5.5 within half an hour. Then it slowly calms down to between 5 and 4.5. That’s only just bearable, and so an hour after taking the Panamax, I can do things, eat, drink, whatever, without too much distraction. Yet the eye pain is still annoying enough that I still want to take something else for it.

If I just continue with the Panamax, after the second dose I can get the pain between 3.5 and 4.5, sometimes it goes back to the usual 5 if my eye is playing up badly. But usually it teeters between 3.5 and 5 after I take the second dose of Panamax. When I take my third and fourth doses of Panamax, my pain goes between 3 and 4.5, occasionally going back to 5 if my eye really plays up. That’s just with taking Panamax all day. It takes forever to control this fucking damn pain. When I take Panadeine Extra, I can get the pain to go from really bad down to about 3.5 in an hour. With nurofen plus and Panamax instead of the Panadeine Extra, I can make my horrible pain go down to 3. If my eye is being a bitch though, my pain level is at more like 4, until the second lot is taken, then it goes to between 2.5 and 3.5, depending on how bad my eye is each day, how often I’ve taken the pain relievers, whether I’ve taken stronger or weaker medication earlier or the day before. Everything depends on how tomorrow will be. If I just take Panamax all day today, tomorrow my pain will be worse than if I take Panamax, nurofen plus and Panadeine Forte when it’s necessary.

I basically have to plan what medicines to take today, otherwise tomorrow I’ll be needing Panadeine Forte before the other pain relievers will be enough to keep the pain where I want it to be. Sometimes though, my eye can be a fucker of a thing, and I’ll need Panadeine Forte the next morning anyway… Or even at night time, or at any time if I don’t balance my pain relief exactly right. And every single day, there’s a different balance! The same pain relief schedule that I come up with will work today, but not tomorrow. Or if I find a good one, I then have to change it in two days or I risk over-using some medications, or taking them for longer than you’re meant to. Mind you, apparently I’m allowed to take nurofen every single day till I get my eye sorted out, so I guess that’s a bonus. As for the codeine, you’re only meant to take it for like five days in a row, because after that it gets addictive. Unfortunately my eye doesn’t know that or give a fuck, so I have to put up with its vengeance if I don’t keep to a schedule that works well for it.

The sad fact about this is that a good schedule, like I said, either never stays good, or it needs to change because of long-term problems. Unfortunately, my eye doesn’t care, and if I’ve used codeine for four days and need to stop tomorrow and give myself a break from it for three to five days, my eye is still going to be a shitty thing regardless of whether I take the codeine and give it a break or if I never take it. It’s just a matter of deciding how long I’ll put up with extreme pain for. I won’t put up with it for long I can tell you! So instead I’ve opted for the going up and down on the codeine method. It means I can get used to it, but I can’t really get totally addicted to it because I never take enough or too much of it. This is all too fucking hard. I guess I’ll have to think of another pain relief schedule tomorrow, and make that one last for as long as possible. Mind you, this will change by the weekend. I’ll have to go back to the chemist on Friday for sure. Fuck this and fuck the world! I just want a good eye, or get rid of it. There’s no sitting on the fence for me anymore.

I was going to go to my Aunty’s place tonight, but I guess that’s off the cards. I only hang my washing out an hour ago, so I won’t be able to wear any clothes till tomorrow. I guess I could walk to the shops in the morning, get the stuff I need, then take it home and go to my Aunty’s place for the day. I need to ask Jill what’s happening with my appointment for my eye scan. She’s going to ring the hospital so she can make a time that suits her because of her work schedule. Um, can’t she tell me what times suit her and I can make the appointment? Oh well. I made a vet appointment two days ago for March, and my cousin simply told me when he could take me in, and I rang the vet and made the appointment and what time I could go in. I don’t need everyone else to do things for me all the time. But thanks Jill, you’re so kind! At least she wants to help me get better. Hopefully if my eye isn’t as fucked as I think it is, maybe the doctors can save it. I’m definitely certain that if it’s not better in the next twelve weeks though, it’s going whether anyone else likes it or not. I’m suiting my own life and how much quality I want in it. It’s not up to the person next to me to decide that for me. My left eye is fine still. I thought that after the other day when Troy kicked it, it would go down the drain too. It hasn’t done, and I’m happy. I’m still baffled as to why the artificial tears fixed my left eye, but they never preserved the right one. I just can’t understand why my right eye isn’t salvageable despite doing everything to it. I can’t touch it anymore except to wipe tears away from it, because everything that goes in there causes pain, no matter what it is that I put in there now. It would be like giving medicine to someone who’s dying, and all it does is make them sick, more sore, or whatever it’s not meant to do, only because the person isn’t getting better. Except this is my eye that’s being like this. I think it is slowly dying. If it’s not, then something has to be so wrong to cause all this fucken pain! It so has to stop. I always tell myself that it can’t be painful like this for this long, not enough is being done to save it, this is all fake, etc. But nope. I wake up in the morning to a horribly sore eye. This is more like real life to me. Wait that’s the slap in the face that I didn’t want! Tomorrow I’ll have the same old slap in the face again.


One Response to “Still going strong”

  1. Leye-ShprintseLeye-Shprintse Says:


    I wish you a refuah shlemah Michelle! It sounds like you have a difficult time right now. You are in my thoughts!

    Leye-Shprintse ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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