I woke up feeling like absolute shit today! I have a sore throat and runny nose with occasional coughing. I reckon it’s a flu thing because my body is a bit achy as well. I decided to fuck the world and took some nurofen plus so I could sleep for a few hours without waking up too often. It worked a charm! I woke up feeling quite a bit better. I’m still on the sick side, but not needing to lie in bed as though I haven’t slept for a week. I’m just feeling really bad, that’s all. The medicine is helping me to a good degree though. I took Panamax when I got up a few hours ago, so it kept things on the uphill slide for me. I won’t be going for a walk today, that’s for certain. Tomorrow morning when I go for a walk, the poor baker is gonna wonder what happened! Oh well, I’ll tell her that I didn’t want to make her sick and that I needed a good sleep to make the flu go away faster anyway. She’ll be happy with that explanation. I’m not one of the type who tries to stay sick for as long as possible as though ignoring problems will fix them. If I was in a war zone, I might have to ignore my problems so I don’t die from bigger ones. But since I’m not in Iraq or other war-torn countries, I might as well fix whatever health problems, before they turn into a war zone! So yeah, I’m having a lazy one today. Hang on… Gonna get some nurofen plus.

My eye is starting to give me the shits, and this fucking flu is starting to flare up. I’ve just taken the nurofen plus with milk, so hopefully it’ll calm down the symptoms, and temporarily fix my eye, which is really what I got it for. But hey, keeping a flu from getting too out of hand isn’t so bad either. My eye has been fairly gunky today too. It just goes to show that it really needs to go if it can’t be fixed any more than it is. Why the fuck would I regret losing a body part that is diseased and painful! That’s so absurd. I had nightmares about Nan today, taunting me because I wanted a life without pain, and she kept saying things that disgusted me to feeling sick. She didn’t give a damn shit about what I wanted, that my life wasn’t happy and I had no peace. My quality of life meant more to her if I didn’t fix my problems and just relieved the symptoms for the rest of my life because that’s apparently what you’re meant to do. I fought back with arguments and got my way with the situation, eventually waking up feeling like crap and all sweaty. Then I realised that I’d actually been fast asleep, remembering that I’d taken the nurofen plus earlier! Oops. Ok codeine is great, but it’s bad for making me fall asleep without me even knowing it! I reckon that’s bad, but I think it’s just me. Going to sleep and waking up later on feeling like you’ve slept for a minute because it was a deep sleep, is actually really good for you. I just want control in my life, and sadly, or fortunately to some, codeine takes away some of that control. Oh well. It did me good because I was able to play computer games for a couple of hours! I downloaded this game called Battle Zone, and it’s really good! I’m addicted to the bloody thing. I got up to Level 8, but can’t beat it! Bloody hell. I need to try again when I have another spare day.

The nurofen plus has kicked in I think. My eye isn’t feeling as bad. It hurts, but it’s always going to hurt until I take the Panadeine Forte, but I like to take that stuff when I really can’t get the stupid pain under enough control with the weaker medicines. Oh, and if I need a break from the nurofen because you’re not meant to take it often every day, I might take the Panadeine Forte once in a while because it means I take less nurofen some days, more nurofen on other days. It’s all too hard for me. I just want to suffer a lot less, so I’m taking whatever pain pills I can swallow so I can actually get out of bed each day and smile, and live a normal life as well. Maybe having those nightmares is healing my brain because it must need to get rid of all the shit that was fed into it or something. All the information that isn’t meant to be there, I reckon it processes itself out while I’m asleep, in the form of nightmares. So maybe I need to have a few more of them till they’re all gone, and then I won’t have insomnia problems anymore. I could be wrong, but you never know. I’m noticing that when I do fall asleep when I’m too busy worrying to want to sleep, all the anxiety turns into nightmares, and when they stop, I wake up hours later, or the next day, feeling a lot more refreshed. I really hate sleeping when I’m freaking out over stuff. But when I take stuff with codeine in it, I crash anyway! I’m feeling rather drowsy now, but not doing too bad. At least I can keep myself awake while I’m sitting up. With Panadeine Forte, that’s a bit hard. I have to fight to stay awake. It’s possible, just hard to do. When I’m lying down, that’s a fucking different story, with Panadeine Forte and nurofen plus. Ok I have to edit and post this entry now, I have chicken to cut up and cook into a stir-fry! This entry isn’t as long as the usual ones, but I’ll make another entry later anyway, so it’s all fine.


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