Getting lazy with my blog!

I want to write tonight, since I haven’t written for a few days. I’m still awake even though I should be in bed. But I’ve decided that I’d rather stay up a bit tonight. I have to get out of bed in the morning to take painkillers anyway, otherwise I’ll feel so shitty that I’ll never want to get out of bed. That’s how fantastic my life is with a sore and stuffed eye. It is so lovely. If my eye were to be removed tomorrow, I’d want it back apparently, because once it’s gone, it can’t be replaced. So that’s how much I love living with a painful eye… That is, if you ask some family members. If you ask me, having a fake eye will be a pain in the royal ass. But it won’t be a suffering pain, just an annoying one. Just don’t tell a couple of old folks this. Lol! They find it too hard to accept that I love to live a nice, misery-free, pain-free, and as sick-free as possible, life. In saying that, they deny that I get sick. Ok so I don’t get sick every five minutes, but I do come down with things here and there. So as much as the old folks want to imagine that I never get sick, they still act like it’s too hard for me to stay healthy, that I’d rather live on pills etc. Honestly, I could write a book about that but tonight I’m not gonna. The two old people are a pain in the pig’s ass, so I’m not asking them for help anymore. I’ll shove my Panadeine Fortes up their crack, but no I’ll get in trouble for force-drugging people. Well how about these old ones stop forcing their shit into my life? They drive me mad.

I told my family last night why I’d polished off half a two litre tub of ice-cream two nights ago, and took an entire twenty-four hours to get over it. Then Jill asked if I asked them for help. Ah, no way. I had asked questions of my grandparents to hear their take on the whole thing, even what my old woman had said to them. Then I judged in my head that I wouldn’t be asking them for help, and there’s no damn way I’ll do so, I don’t care what anyone thinks or says. I feel like I’m burdening my family, but Nan and Pop are the cause of that because they don’t want to support my decisions. Me and my Aunty argue over things, but then we do what we want to do. My grandparents and I, and others around them, have arguments, and it always ends up being what they want and only their way, unlike me and my Aunty and Uncle. We want what we want, but then we let things be as they are so we’re not forcing opinions where they’re not wanted. The moods do get fowl, but at least we can get our own space. Nanna and Pop aren’t the nicest people in the world. I have three doctors who’re trying to help me, and the dickheads think they can put doubts into my head about how I’m gonna handle their help? Fuck ‘em! It’s not as if the doctors are asking for impossible things. Plus it’s their job to teach people how to make changes to their lives when it’s a life-saving thing. Ok, next paragraph before spewing up…

That’s another thing the doctors are helping me with: Fucking stressing myself to sickness. I get so anxious and freaked out that my stomach cramps up and I get so fucking nauseous. I’m getting over it though. I’ve been drinking way heaps of water lately. I think today has been the exception, maybe because I drank a good half a gallon of water yesterday. Whenever I take Panadeine Forte, I drink three times as much as I usually do. I walked Troy to the shops this morning! I bought some chips and gravy, which I could only eat half of when I got home. The guy gave me way too much when I wanted five dollars’ worth. Oh well. I got a three-dollar pack of chicken chips with them, which had I’d been given less chips, I might have eaten a lot more of them! I gave my half of the stuff to Troy though, and he loved them. He won’t be getting any more fat food for a good year now. The occasional fat food won’t hurt. After I’d sat down for a while, I bought some milk from the bakery! Good. I can get myself into a routine that suits me again, with buying the few essential groceries I need every friggen week.

After that I went to the chemist. I was damn well pissed off that I had to keep working between my regular nurofen, the Panamax, and the Panadeine Forte, with this crazy fucking schedule that didn’t work very well. So today I decided to get a packet of nurofen plus. I then told the pharmacist that my need for stronger pain relievers is getting worse because of my eye getting worse. I can still take the Panamax and the regular nurofen, but I’m finding that despite taking the Panadeine Forte as little as possible, my pain is not being controlled with the normal nurofen and Panamax like it used to be. Even with the Panadeine Extra, I tried giving myself a lot more breaks from it so every time I took it, the codeine would affect me like it was the first time taking it. But eventually my eye fucking well flared up even more. It’s not as if one day my eye is bad, and the next day it’s very bad. It’s more like, each day it gradually gets worse and worse, that you don’t even notice until one day you realise to yourself, hey hang on a minute! Two weeks ago I had my eye pain under control with whatever pain control schedule, and now this one doesn’t work. Time to try a different schedule of pain medicine! That is fucken freaky. As of today, I’ve been going with the Panamax and the nurofen plus, and I’ll occasionally put Panadine Forte into the schedule as needed. Ok that’s a very fuuuuuuuuuuucking sad thing to have to do. Last week Panadeine Extra and nurofen and Panamax were doing their job as a good alternating schedule quite well. Now it takes occasional Panadeine Forte, nurofen plus, and Panamax!

Ok, in two weeks, what will happen? Nurofen plus, Panamax, and Panadeine Forte all day for every second day? Now for those who might not understand, my thing for occasionally using Panadeine Forte is so I won’t get addicted to the codeine. The idea is to make the codeine work effectively for longer by simply not taking it all the time. The sad bit is that as my eye gets worse, the low-dose codeine isn’t working as well without the nurofen, and if I take the paracetamol tablet with codeine, it takes the high-dose codeine to kill the pain enough for me. That just goes to show how fucked up my eye is.

I’ve done everything my GP and ophthalmologists want just so I don’t get addicted to codeine. They’re making sure I don’t get a sensitivity thing to pain so I don’t mistake higher pain levels for addiction. Yet the sad fact is, every time I take a good break from the codeine and just go with the nurofen and Panamax, my fucking eye plays up on me something shocking! That’s why I didn’t get the Panadeine Extra today. Nurofen plus has a lower dose of codeine than Panadeine Extra, and just to prove that I’m not sensitive to pain because of codeine addiction, I haven’t needed any Panadeine Forte today! My eye hurts a bit, but between the nurofen plus and the Panamax, my eye has been under some good control. It’s still a bit sore which I’d expect, since I don’t want to be dopy and all lazy and dead all day. But there is some bearable pain control. I don’t feel like I have to lie in bed because of being dopy, nor do I feel like lying in bed because my eye is fucking up on me. There’s a balance finally! I truthfully don’t know how long this will last. It may last a week, a month, a few days, or only till tomorrow afternoon.

It all depends on how bad my eye gets. I always go with how bad pain is to determine what medication I actually need. I didn’t need sixty milligrams of codeine today because the twelve milligrams of codeine in the nurofen pill worked almost as good. I find it rather strange how lower doses of codeine works better than slightly higher ones with different medicines! I so have no idea how that works. Panadeine Forte works really good, but I don’t like it during the day unless I’m having a lazy day because prescription-dose codeine makes me completely useless. Panadeine Extra works good and I can still function normally, but I find that nurofen plus works better even though the codeine is less, and I’m a lot less drowsy. I still get tired and a bit dopy, but not that lousy, useless sort of dopy. Plus the slightly dopy feeling that I do get from nurofen plus doesn’t last as long. If my eye doesn’t get worse, which I know it eventually will anyway, then I won’t have to go up on the codeine. But if it plays up more by next week, I’ll definitely be taking nurofen plus more often, and most likely the Panadeine Forte a lot more too. This is exactly what the doctors are concerned about, yet my grandparents are seeing it as an addiction problem instead of stopping their shit and realising the sad truth for what it fucking is. The old folks make me sick something shocking. They don’t care unless it’s the same thing happening to them, and then they only care about how they’re reacting to the situation, not how everyone else reacts to it. But no it can’t be the other way around remember? Eeeeeeuuuuuuuu! Aaaaahhhhggggggg! Y’y’y’y’y’y’u’u’uu’u’u’uck! The doctors don’t want me to get addicted to drugs, but they would probably like it if I didn’t get addicted to misery either! Funny that. At least I can wean off drugs when I’m over the pain. It’s a bit harder to get over pain when it’s not fixed, based on some fuckhead’s idea of pain control, which is to put up with what’s wrong till it magically disappears. Bad heave except that I had a good meal and a nice drink of water tonight, so I’m saved from that fucking problem thank Christ. Possibly for their fat dickhead information, maybe looking after your health a bit more might cure some of the “reactions that you just can’t stop happening, because it’s the body’s way of fixing things”. Yes, it is. It’s the body’s way of saying get fucked if you’re not going to fix your problems, that’s what the idea is. But never mind, some people don’t ever learn.

I’m glad that I can take Troy for walks again. I want to walk him every day. At least going down to the shopping complex down the road gets me out of the house, and it gets Troy doing something. My depression won’t be cured because of that, but it’ll be on its way to being cured, that’s for sure. Walking gives me a reason to get up in the morning. If I don’t walk tomorrow morning, it’ll be in the afternoon after three o’clock. Hopefully I won’t need Panadeine Forte tomorrow. With the nurofen plus, I might not need the high-dose codeine as often. That all depends on my eye really. I’ve needed Panadeine Forte every day, and sometimes twice a day, because the eye pain got too hard to get under control with the other medications. They did work reasonably, but it took forever for them to work. The Panadeine Forte got my pain under control really fast, and then the other medications did the trick at keeping my eye from flaring up too much. Let’s see how the nurofen plus does tomorrow morning! If it gets my pain under control quickly enough, even if it takes half an hour as opposed to an hour or more, at least I won’t need to take the Panadeine Forte except if I’ve slept in and I know I’m gonna wake up in extreme agony. It seems that the shorter my time off pain relievers is, the quicker I can get my eye under control when I take them the next morning. It’s like if I leave it too long without painkillers, my eye pain really goes bad and I need stronger stuff to get the pain to settle. But if I keep a consistent pain relief schedule around the clock, I don’t need the stronger stuff as often! That is fucken weird. Oh well. I’ve got nurofen plus on board. We’ll see how things go tomorrow. Wish me luck!


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