I am about to lose it…

I’m back to needing Panadeine Extra every day just to control my fucking eye pain. It is fucking bull shit! I’m only taking it once each day because I don’t want all the crap the doctors keep waring me about. That’s fucking fine. Just don’t expect me to put up with pain either. So yeah, back to taking the eight tablets a day thing again. The two Panadeines and the other six Panamaxes, of course over the 16-24 hour period. So yeah, where the fucking hell does that leave me? Trapped in a mother-$ circle. I started at Square one, in October. I’m now back in Square 1, in January. Starting all over again. This time with better pain control, but will I ever get off that roller coaster? Fuck me dead, I’m sick of all this bull shit.

As for the rest of my life: I’m getting around a bit more. When I’ve learnt this route to the shops down the road, I’ll have a reason to get out of the house. I’ll have more distractions. I’ll even have an excuse to hide from visitors if I don’t want them to come to my house. I can even hide from appointments I don’t want to turn up to. After this next hospital appointment, I’m putting my foot down, very very hard. As much as painkillers can be a pain in the ass, they’re better than being anesthetised and being treated like a person withdrawing from alcohol all because my doctors are too dumb to see that I don’t handle surgery well. They’re too fucking stupid to realise that if they treat me like an alcoholic withdrawing from alcohol, I might have a better time of it until I leave the hospital. It’d be different if I reacted to anesthetic reasonably well, I’d understand not needing valium and shit. But excuse me, reactions need treatment, not the cold shoulder until they’ve decided that my complaining for a few hours is really driving them crazy so maybe they should do something about my reactions to the crap they use to put me to sleep. It’s funny. Anesthetists won’t let people drink alcohol because it causes vomiting. But they forget that when someone wakes up from surgery, they vomit anyway! What difference does that fucking make to me? None. I’d rather drink the alcohol knowing that I’ll suffer the next day. I don’t know why, I’m just as stupid and dumb as they are I guess. And their idea of being less sick the less time I’m under anesthetic is a fat lie too. Somehow someone has now realised that? Ok, if they have, they’d better update their medical literature very quickly. And don’t jaw on to me about the side effects of painkillers either, because I’ll be just as big a dickhead and say well I don’t care because I hate my pain, and I have a hundred different food and drink choices to control them. Oh, and I don’t react nearly half as badly to painkillers as I do to anesthetic. What I can understand and agree with though, is that the painkillers will eventually stop working,, and I’ll need more surgery anyway. So in that case, I’m accepting anesthetic sooner rather than later. It will make me feel like shit, but so will the painkillers, when the pain comes back. The other problem I don’t want is my body getting damaged from the shit I put into it to control the symptoms. I don’t want to get sick from all that and the surgery. Just one issue will be enough thanks. Just tell my grandparents to mind their own business and stop treating me like a baby, and I should deal with the crap a lot better.

I’m going shopping this arvo. Nan and Pop are never taking me shopping ever again. All they do is force me to get what they think I want, instead of what I actually want. Matter of fact they treat me like that with everything. My health, finances, shopping etc. They’re dickheads who I don’t want to hang around. They pretend to be nice, while all the time they’re hiding their true colours, which are greed, selfishness, disrespect especially for dignity, and downright fucking rudeness. They use their good side as a bait to lure you, then they’re horrible. I’d recommend you never meet them. They’re cause all sorts of trouble then blame others while acting the innocent party as if they never do anything wrong. Good luck to them, I don’t want to know them. I’ll just say hello and goodbye. I have a better time with the other mob. At least we can have decent conversations and they treat me like a person and not like a dog or an invalid. It’ll be really nice to go shopping with my lovely cousin and then go back to their house for tea. We can have big arguments, but we never treat each other like shit. As soon as it starts happening we just go with the comments about getting each other nowhere and stop talking for a day until someone makes us face our issues with why we argued a day earlier. It’s a pity me and Joshua still don’t know how to be good siblings. We just don’t have it in us to be brother and sister. He hates my attitude and my behaviour. Well I fucking detest his attitude and fowl fucking shit. It’s understandable that everyone gets angry, but me and him take it so far because we hate each other’s ways of dealing with life. We’ve been that way since we were children, and it’s not going to change. What will change is that I’ll live the rest of my life as though he never existed.

O and M is going fairly well! I’ll work my way to the shops again on Monday, and hopefully on Wednesday or on Monday next week, I’ll be taking Troy along. As soon as I know what I’m doing, me and Troy are gonna walk to and back so many fucking times a day! I’ll go there in the morning, come home, go there in the afternoon! Seriously, I’m gonna be back to Cloud Nine for a few weeks until reality comes back to bite me on the ass again. At least I’ll be kept from killing myself for the fact that I’ll have a reason to get out of bed again. I’ll be able to walk my dog again, get distracted again. I will be able to take a walk any time I want again. Me and Troy will get our working relationship back to where it was. At least after my next surgery I can take off down to the shops and sit at the fish and chips shop for two hours and slowly get my fill without anyone making me feel rushed. The walking around will stimulate my circulation and guts and all that to get moving quicker, get healthier faster etc. I used to get over alcohol hangovers by walking and then having a feed. I guess anesthetic hangovers can be treated the same way. Troy will be with me by then so he’ll keep me sane and safe! Life will get back to how it used to be while I was in Darwin. I know this will sound horrible, but the good thing is that if me and my family decided to disown each other one day for whatever reason, it won’t be a bother for me. I’m used to having no family, so as much as I love them and love to hang around them, if they were to vanish off the earth tomorrow, I’d be sad but not totally lost without them. I’d just be sad. How nasty and mean is that! But that’s how life is. You’ve gotta do what you need to do to survive. I’ve learnt over the years that if you’re more in love with yourself than you are with others, you’ll still live a reasonable life if they disappear. I may love my family, but I don’t need them around for me to live a life.

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