Family ups and downs… WTF!

After having a lovely time last night, I came home and ended up in the fowelest mood. I made sure Troy was all right before I left for Joshua’s place. I had a lovely tea and a nice hedge-hog slice for desert. I then sat in front of a DVD of Josh and P’s wedding. I nearly cried cos I was so jealous that I didn’t go to Fiji! But I reminded everyone that my bank account was the main problem with that. So they were understanding. But next time anyone goes over, I’m definitely making sure I have money put aside for that holiday! I used to want to go to the UK, but I’ve changed my mind now. After the desert and DVD hour, we sat outside, those of us who wanted to be outside, and drank carva. It’s a Fijian drink which to me tasted like marijuana, soap, dirty water, and burning cigarette smoke all in one! Gr’r’r’r’r’ross! But because it made my mouth numb and got me stoned, I drank as much as I could handle over like two hours. I thought it was just bull shit and wouldn’t have any effect on me, but slowly it got to me and made me feel like I’d had some valium. Only this valium feeling wasn’t as hard-hitting, and didn’t make me dizzy as such. It just got me relaxed and really groggy. I was expecting to go home happy, ready for a good crash for the night. II really needed a sleep, so I wanted to be in bed before I went to sleep on my feet.

I got home and said goodbye to Josh and P. But when I went inside, the place had a bad stink to it, and Troy was acting weird. I felt something under my shoe, and touched it. I immediately ran to the bathroom and washed my hands when I realised it was dog shit! I first thought it was spew, but the crumbly feeling underfoot was too different to be vomit. Eeeeeeuuuu! I rang Joshua, and he came around to check it out. He got really really angry and put me down something shocking. When I realised that his suggestions, which I did agree with, were also mixed with untrue, thoughtless statements, I let him have it. P wasn’t impressed at all. I wasn’t impressed that since I take Troy for a shit at least once a day, and then make sure he has an extra one because that’s the norm for an animal, that he had enough crap built up in him to cause him to totally lose it in the house. It was disgusting. I gave Joshua a very hard time about the rubbish he went on with about me allowing the house to get dirty, when he didn’t give one dam rat’s ass about the effort I put into keeping it clean, only to come home to a dirty rotten brothel. I still haven’t learnt not to let Troy in my room. I’m just not letting him in until I replace the carpet with lino or tiles. Joshua can shove it up his fucking ass if he thinks I’m gonna leave here in a hurry. And for his fucking fat information, since I wanted a home, I will fucking damn will pay for anything to be fixed if I need to, regardless of why or how. I went so angry at him that P had to drag him away to stop me from yelling any louder. If I was deliberately stopping Troy from having a shit and not caring to take him out when I realise that he hasn’t been out in a while, then yeah I’d understand his not-so-thought-through false statements, based on him not knowing how I live because he doesn’t live with me. But guess what? I do take him out. He pisses a good deal over the day and I put the bag on him twice over the day at least, unless he hasn’t eaten much for lack of exercise. When Joshua said that dogs hold their bowels for a long time, I went even more pissed at him because that just proves to me that when he has a crap, he holds some of it in for later, where he can run out for a shit without me knowing it, or he can shit inside when I’m gone. I really let rip at him because he knows I’m not a vet that I can put a flashlight up his $ and check how much he needs to go. I agree with taking him more often so he won’t shit inside or all over the yard, and I agree with Joshua helping me out and all. But I’m sick of the put-downs and carrying on over it all. This to me is just not happening in my life. I’m here to manage my own life, not to let everyone else manage me. Everyone can manage their own lives, I can manage my life and that’s it. Josh rang me just then and we had a civil discussion about the whole thing. We didn’t kill each other today, so I’m happy I can be a bit forgiving now. Joshua needs to get over me being dependent on everyone else because I’m only depending on people for what I can’t ever do on my own, like reading mail and going shopping. He’ll just have to accept that I’ll be going on shopping trips with whoever is going to the shops at the time. When I learn how to get around good, I can do my own thing, and the main shopping will be with family or friends. I somehow convinced Joshua that getting a cleaner in once a fortnight is the best idea for me. I can clean one week, the cleaner can clean the next week. Wow! So he and P will sort the cleaner out apparently, and then I’ll manage the rest of the program. That’s fine with me. I want my family to come around without feeling like they need to help me, and I want to go to them without feeling like I need to rely on them, except for a shopping trip or something unmanageable of the sort. Let’s hope my next few discussions with the family will be productive.

I’ve just fed Troy and sorted out the dog food. There was a bit left in the old package, so I tipped it into the new bag. I don’t have to worry about the dog food now for another three months. All I need to focus on now is Troy’s routine. I really hope that Josh will talk to the rest of the family as well, not just to me. I’m only one fucking person, and I can only manage me, not everyone else too. Josh and P need to manage themselves, they don’t need to run around after me all the time. As for Troy, I’m not letting anyone else manage the dog anymore. He’s my guide dog, I will do the looking after, unless I’m sick. Three days of not looking after him won’t hurt, but after a few days of just leaving him at other people’s places is a bit much. They don’t follow the same rules as I do, so all they’re doing is fucking up Troy’s training. I’m gonna get nasty with Nanna and Poo son though. They insist that Troy is starving, but I’m not tolerating their bad behaviour anymore. If they fuck him around one more time, I’m telling them to rack off. They need to support me, not fucking take over my life. Mum took over my life before I left Darwin, I don’t need people to start now that I’m here. I might just go to my aunty’s place and have another discussion with them, but let’s just wait till tomorrow for that. I want to give myself and them twenty-four hours to process things first. I believe slow and steady wins more races than does fast and furious! Good. Now I’ve let out all the shit, Troy is fed, and soon he’ll be out in that back yard for a shit. Tomorrow someone is coming around to mow the lawn, but if Josh gets upset over that, I’ll just say that well, whoever gets in first does it. It’s not against anybody’s time. And, I can pay a professional to do the lawns for me, but I think I’d prefer to give the family just one thing to do for me. That’s the gardens and lawn, since I don’t like gardening, and I’ll get a cleaner to do my house once a fortnight. I don’t need to be managed, but giving the family just one chore that they don’t mind doing because they want to help me without being too overbearing, will make everyone happy as far as I’m concerned. I have enough money for a cleaner, but I’m not that rich to be paying for every pro in town. How long it’ll take for Joshua to not get upset over everything that he’s unsure about, I don’t know. I’m eventually just gonna tell him that actually, I’ve got it under control now so please move on. Getting upset will get him nowhere and it’ll get me riled enough to just make him leave me alone for a while till he thinks about things for long enough to have a rational discussion with me. Why he got the picture of me wanting to live with someone just because I don’t want to manage my life by myself, I don’t know. If I brought a man home with me, I’d still manage my life, just as if Stacey comes over, or I make new friends and they come over, or if the family comes over. God damn the bull crap. It’s gonna take a loooooooooong time for any man to live with me I can assure you of that fact right now. Josh thinks I could still live with Mum if I want someone to manage my life here, but um, that’s not something I want to hear ever again. He knows me and Mum don’t get on at all. He’s upset about that, so he clearly has not gotten over the fact that since Mum isn’t changing her attitude, I don’t want to put up with it. He needs to accept that I won’t take her shit anymore, just because he wants to be long-suffering and will only give up when he gets very angry with her, only to get over it and repeat the same thing next time. I’m not that way inclined and he frigging knows it. He’s upset over that very thing, but I don’t understand why he doesn’t see that I’m happier without negative attitudes in my life. He just gets upset because he wants, and can’t have. I do too, and get over it. He just makes the same old mistakes time and again. It needs to stop.

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