Standing up for myself

Today went well for me! I got out of bed at 9 am because it was fucking cold this morning. I can’t say it was freezing, but when I woke up to my alarm and pressed the snooze button a few times, I knew that the warmth of my bed was keeping me in. So I drifted in and out of sleep until it was time to get up. The good bit is that I didn’t just ssleep in because of feeling sick, depressed over my eye etc. My eye irritation is a pain in the fucken ass, ut sleeping it off doesn’t actually fix it. Anyway, I got out and got ready for my grandparents to pick me up to take me to the chemist. I got a refill for my eye drops. Pop carried on like a dickhead quietly because I was trying to say that I simply answer the questions I’m asked. I don’t rattle on about needing a script refill for whom, I just say that excuse me, I need my prescription and a refill for it, and let the pharmicist ask the friggen questions! Rattling on like a moron doesn’t work for me. So Pop nudged me a little to tell me to say who the script was meant to be for, and the lady joked about how it’d be nice if they could read minds. I gave myself a bit of space by moving over, and I sort of gently gave the hinted impression that I’m not a retard. Pop can’t control me, and I ain’t about to let him! There’s a difference between support and babying. I will not take babying thank you. Anyway, I got my eye drops, so that’s the goodd bit. My nurotic grandfather decided before we left for the chemisst, that doing my dishes and then lecturing me would be a good idea. Ah, as much that he’s technically right about what he’s saying, it’s my stinking house, and I shall wash my fucking dishes whenever I want to. Leaving them around till they rot? No. But leaving the breakfast dishes and then doing them after lunch? yes. And if Pop don’t like my routine of doing them when I think best, he doesn’t need to come into my house. But the arguments haven’t started ovver that isssue yet. I’m jjust biding my time.

The barbecue was peaceful for the most part last night. I still assert myself quietly when Pop rudely interjects me as if I’m a dickhead who doesn’t know what they’re doing, but I’m keeping the arguments about that issue held off till the right time too. Just because I’m blind doesn’t mean the old man should make it obvious to the earth that I’m “disabled”. That’s what I’m moving away from, and they’re trying to crawl themselves, and that old-fashioned shit, back into my life. Um… No thanks! And again, that argument will come eventually, when it’s the right time. so that’s three arguments that I know I’ll need to work through, and possibly run from, if Nan and Pop turns it into an explosion. Every time they come up to problems they don’t want to deal with, it affects the whole family because they kick up a stink till they get everyone on their side, or we break away from them. If they can’t get everyone on side, get ready to listen to them make a scene. Well, all II’m gonna do this time is tell them to start kicking and screaming without me there, because if one issue gets out of control, I’m staying away from there till they get a grip. Treating me like a baby and cutting my food up for me, snapping at me because they want control of me, isn’t gonna make me feel welcome seeing them, nor is it gonna make me want to know them.

I was gonna do housework today, but that can wait till I’m up to it. I’ll get my dishes done soon, then I’ll get an easy dinner ready. Tomorrow I’ll take a container back to Nan and Pop’s house because I’m only borrowing that one for a while. I won’t stay there though. II can only handle hanging around them for like three hours, then I have to leave. There ain’t no way I’m ever sleeping over there again! I won’t forgive them that much. If they think they can convince me to be different, they’ll realise that they’re totally mistaken soon. Sadly, if they think it’s good to start the dramas, I won’t be there for them to affect me, since I’ll be right here in my place, soaking in all the birds singing, the thought of living in my own home instead of in an alcoholic’s home where all I cop is bull crap, and where I can do what I want when I want. Until Mum changes her alcoholic lifestyle, I’m not talking to her. It’s fine that Nan and Pop say they don’t want to put her down because she got me to where I am today. But the thing wrong with that is that they’re intentionally overlooking the fact that Mum has cause shit in the family too. They don’t need to be that bright to work that out, so I’m seeing that they must be totally dumb then. Mum is a troublemaker and an alcoholic, so I don’t need to talk to her. Nan and Pop don’t understand that I can have a decent conversation and be fine, until it turns sour and then I get the blame for that. If Pop says he gets the same shit from her, why the fuck do they not try to help her? Then they deny anything being wrong when I tell them this. One minute she needs help, the next minute they just don’t know what to do, the next thing is that she’s all ok and just needs help with her diabetes? Like, what the hell do they mean? It sounds to me like they’re justifying why they won’t help her, while lying about justifying themselves. It’s all too hard for me, and if Nan and Pop tries to make me talk to Mum when I don’t want to, I’m not going near them for a month. Nanna and Pop love to pretend that things are fine and Dandy, all while saying that things are not, so that when you try to tell them why things aren’t so fine, they treat you like you’ve given them new information or plane lied to them. It’s like they know Mum has problems, yet they deny it and blame diabetes alone, or they totally don’t accept the idea just so they don’t have to accept that she does indeed need a lot of help. She and Nan and Pop are frigging mad. It’s ok, when the time is right, I’ll have a go at them if they should start the shit.

I dunno what I’ll be up to tomorrow. If the rest of the family is around, I’ll hang out with them. Josh and his wife won’t be home till Friday I think. Then about a week after that is my eye doctor appointment. I know that there’ll be some bad news. Let’s just hope that I’ll handle my next hospital stay a bit better. Mum can carry on all she wants though, because I won’t be the one listening to her. It’s my body, I’d like to be comfortable in it. Getting sick isn’t nice, but getting jacked up on panadol and tylenol pm, sleeing pills, painkillers etc, will keep me running smooth sailing till I can function properly without them. I don’t take medicines because I really like vomiting a lot because it gets me enough attention to get a drug buzz for me. I can always through a temper tantrum to get a drug buzz if I really want, without needing to force vomit! My grandparents can get frigging stuffed if that’s how they want to treat people. It’s fine when they’re sick, but when someone else is sick, it’s nothing because if Nan and Pop don’t feel it, maybe the person’s not sick unless they see that person spew up, choke, have a fit, and the like. They’ve been that way for ever and evver, and sadly they haven’t changed. They brought up two daughters, both of whom are somewhat like them, one a lot more than the other. The worst of the two daughters is treated like nothing is wrong until they see her having trouble with diabetes. But there’s only a problem while they see it there mind you. They’re out of sight out of mind people. They love to argue back when you try to tell them what the deal is, because if they can’t see it, it’s all in your head what you’re seeing. Well up their nose too, and I won’t be there when they get sick, since they love to fake that everything is so fine and when they get sick, everyone has to believe them. Well that sounds like they’re making up stories too. Good luck to them.


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