When you get used to something long enough, you start to put a bit of faith in it…

Well, let’s see! I’m doing the irregular blogging thing again, but at least it’s not something like every three or four weeks or so anymore. I think I wrote last Saturday, I was planning to get up early the next day. But it didn’t happen. I felt off-colour, so I slept in all day. I got up in the afternoon and felt better for a good two hours, and then felt like I was coming down with something again. By three-thirty, I wasn’t feeling the best. I figured that my eye was just stressing me into feeling sick, and that I was probably withdrawing from the nurophen plus, but apparently not. It made my eye feel a bit better, but I took a while to feel like I was relaxed enough to pass out, which I did for like three hours! After that I still felt a bit sick, so I knew it wasn’t withdrawal symptoms. My heart was beating fast as well, so I figured it had to be something else at me.

I took another dose of nurophen plus a few hours later and didn’t need any the next day. I did need a single dose of it the day after, because of my fucking eye. Then Nan and Pop turns up a couple of days ago, and we talked about bull shit and more bull shit. Yeah some of what we said was good, but yeah, I’m just being peaceful with them at the moment, to keep the peace lol! What’s the worst thing I can do? Oh, havve a break from them for a month if I get too angry with them over their attitude issues that they think they don’t have, yet I supposedly have to fix my attitude? Oh well they’ll never change, so let it go. And get that break if necessary. They’re nice enough, but they’re so fucking annoying and get me riled at the same time. They had a cup of coffee with me, so I paid my respects and had lunch with them yesterday, and today. Me and my horrible cousin didn’t argue that much, we weren’t allowed to. Now that’s something I do agree with! I did defend Nan and Pop at one stage when my cousin went off at me for closing the door on her little daughter. Well, if the child wants to get in or out, the lazy bitch can open the door for her, and close the door again. It’s Nan and Pop’s place, respect the rules or don’t go there. Anyway! Lol we didnt’ get nasty at each other over it, I just shut her up by defending Nan and Pop on the matter. For the most part we were actually civil with one another. The kid absolutely loved me, couldn’t get enough of my comany! The good bit though, is that she was respectful enough to give me some space when I had to be a bit stern because she over-stepped my boundaries a few times. But she’s three years old, that’s what all kids do. My cousin seemed to think that snapping at her was gonna help. Um, maybe leavve the snapping for times when the child needs that punishment, instead of going off because they won’t sit still for a face painting session! For fucks sake a three-year-old has no idea what’s happening. They kind of do, God they’re not animals. But they still don’t know how to sit still properly. Jesus Christ. Anyway since I was there to be a nice person as far as I could allow myself to be, I just didn’t buy into the nastiness. The kid loved me to death, and if I’m that nice as far as she’s concerned, I can’t be that bad despite what the spiteful dork of a cousin thinks.

Today I went to Nan’s for lunch again, but that’s because we went shopping for mine and their groceries. Nan got me a small packet of lettuce leaves which I didn’t want because there’s spinach in it. I didn’t want spinach, I wanted lettuce! Oh well, I can pretend that I liked it just to appease them, because eventually I’ll be getting something I like without them telling me what I should get. Next time I’m gonna tell them not to worry about it. Whatever, that’s in the past now. Then we went off to the chemist. I got some more nurophen, but only the normal kind this time. I don’t need the nurophen with codeine anymore, so that last few tablets that’s in that packet can expire for all I care. After that we came home and ate, then Nan helped me with organising an appointment for a doctor to come around. There’s this mobile doctor service which instead of going to a surgry, they come to you, and they give advice on what to do next if treatment is serious, ir they treat you at the scene if it’s minor. A bit like paramedics except that you’re probably not going to the hospital straight away, and don’t necessarily need to be at a clinic for treatment either. He came around to Nan’s place and had a good look at my eye, which looked fine thank God! What I couldn’t get my eye specialist to tell me because he just couldn’t for some reason, was why my eye was taking so long for the pain to go away and for it to feel like a normal, healthy eye. This doctor said that because my eyes ware tilted back and they roll back even more when he looks at them until I pull my bottom eyelid down as far as possible to manipulate my eyeball, it causes the cornea to not get as much air to it as a normal eyeball. so because it needs air to heal, it’s taking longer to get over the surgery because it’s effectively against the top of my eye socket and obviously sometimes faces the eyelids when I blink down or fall asleep, in which case my eyes are closed. The only problem is, I can’t have eye exams while I’m awake because my eyes need to be totally relaxed so the eye doctor can get a really good look into the eye. Now if I could look down, my eye wouldn’t be too hard to mess around with, because of course the eye doctor puts local anaesthetic in it before he checks it out so I can’t feel him doing anything to it. The only way I can have eye exams while I’m awake is if I get corrective surgery done on the socket so I can move my eyes properly again. But the bad news is that I can’t actually get any other procedures, other than eye exams which turns into major operations themselves, until the doctor can see that the current procedure has worked. So basically, every time I’m admitted into hospital, I must stipulate clearly to the doctors every time that they must write on the forms that if they can do anything while I’m asleep, that it’s ok with me. It means if they need to have me anaesthetised again for my next proper eye exam which apparently can’t be done with the way my eyes are, I have to tell them that I’d like them to fix anything they can at the time, otherwise I risk waking up without them doing anything except have a look and then decide what to do next time. If I can help it, I’d rather be put to sleep once, not twice because something else needs doing that they apparently want me to know about first. No, just put me to ssleep for God’s sake and if you find something broken, fix it if you can. None of this other bull shit please! My eyes are fucked now, if they want me to have them not so fucked, they might want to fix things progressively till they can do some other major thing to get me to see. Unfortunately, I can’t be kept awake for eye exams until I can get my eyes fixed so that I can move them voluntarily. And they’ll never be able to fix my vision until I let them do a hundred other procedures first.

One thing I liked about this appointment was that I got to at least understand what the whole deal is with my eyes and why my eye doctor is doing what he says he needs to do. And I got a bit of a good explanation as to why I’d need to be knocked out at least at this stage, until I can get my eyes healthy enough that I don’t need knocking out for exams. If a doctor who doesn’t know me can convince me to trust an opthalmologist and explain things that my opthalmologist has told me, then I guess I don’t need to get ready to kill my current eye doctor! I think he’ll be surprised when he finds out that a doctor who has never seen me before, agrees with him. He’ll probably tell me that since I don’t know much about eyes and needed a second opinion which verified what my eye doctor has said to me, that maybe my eye doctor will want me to trust him because apparently he hasn’t made a big mistake with me yet! The only mistake he has ever made was to believe that maybe there was an eyelash stuck in my eye which I couldn’t get out. Then he wanted to really be sure that I don’t have epilepsy or any other seizure disorder because of the way my face kept contorting when I had that severe pain which caused y eye to squint really bad, then my face squinted up like something was wrong. So I had to alsso tell the anaesthetist that if the doctors take all this pain away, I won’t look like I’m having a fit, whether I’m on any particular anti-seizure medicine or not. Giving me anti-anxiety medicine to make me relax and also because of that particular drug’s anti-seizure properties, wasn’t gonna make me change my story! I know I don’t have epilepsy, and everyone else who saw me with that distonia thing happening, didn’t think it was epilespy when I explained why it was happening. So it was a wait-and-see game for the doctors, and I won that one! At least this doctor could explain everything to me, and he doesn’t think my eye is at all concerning, besides the cornea needing more time to grow because I can’t roll my eye down. The sad news is that my eye doctor will have to fix that so that every other different surgery will work better, and so I can have eye exams while I’m awake.

I came home and did my housework. Nan and Pop did my dishes for me, but that’s their chilce. They can’t tell me what to do in my house anyway. So I let them do my dishes and I did everything else. At least I could eat lunch without worrying about having to wash my dishes, so it’s all good. I had a good afternoon tea consisting of a chicken sandwich and some biscuits and dip. I put my dirty dishes in hot water which I had prepared first so I wouldn’t have to stuff ass around later. That worked good for me. I was gonna have banana and custard with ice-cream for desert, but I don’t think the bananas are ripe enough. Plus my dickhead grandfather decided to get me two bananas instead of a proper bunch of them. What a dipstick. Oh well that’s how it goes. It’s not how I want it to go, but fuck, I can’t change an old man who wants everything his fucking way. The other thing I hate about him is that he thinks he can tell me how I think and feel about everything, but when it comes to his mind and his body, he knows how he is and you can’t change his opinion on that. Next time he gets sick or goes into hospital and doesn’t handle it well, I’ll shove food down his throat and tell him to grow up if he vomits He might have a think about how he’s treating people then. He’s a real dickhead when he wants to be. Nan’s a frigging crazy woman, she still talks to me like I’m a fucking retard or a dog. Well if she doesn’t like how I react around doctors, or that I spew up or anything, she shouldn’t invite me to her place then! Fucking mole. She seems to think that because she copes with situations, you must be just as strong or you’re a sook because she isn’t one, but don’t treat her like that when you’re the strong one. She’s fucking mad. Believe me, when I get into a fight with them which I know will happen with their shitty friggen ways, I’ll be more than willing to get a doctor to give me some anti-anxiety medication and refer me to a psychiatrist to get a bit of counselling so that I learn not to make the same dickhead mistakes again! I’ll also be willing to stay away from them and wait for someone else to help me, even if it means going without for a week. So let’s say I’ll enjoy my peace with Nan and Pop until they drive me mad ehough to push me away from them again. It has happened before, I know it’ll happen again. And I do not want it to! I just want them to be a bit reasonable for once.


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