Don’t wanna sleep

I’m still awake listening to a really nice Peruvian song on YouTube. I’ve decided to stay up tonight without sleeping. My eye is a bit sore but not as bad so I guess it’s improving slowly. It doesn’t heal any faster when I sleep, so I’ve decided to stay awake so I won’t have nightmares, and I can control my flashbacks about last year and this year’s hospital stay. I really hate sleeping now. A good valium trip would kill me for a good while, but I don’t have any of that. I’m not allowed to take any benzodiazapine just because I fucking withdrew from it this last time like as if I’d been adicted to it. I carried on about needing more of the stuff, because I wanted it. So that’ss when I had to tell the suspicious nurse that I only take anxiety medicines in the hospital. So because I act like I’m a druggy when I’m on them, I can’t have them at home unless I can get a psychiatrist to prove for themselves that I need the fucking things. I love them but! I love them. I want valium real bad tonight. I wanna take codeine but it’s a physical painkiller, not a mental painkiller. It’s really freaky for me to say this, but in a way I want to get admitted to the hospital because I’ll get benzos there when I need them. Yet I know that the hospital is for ssick people, so I’m in a way wishing for myself to be sick just so I’ll get valium sometimes. I don’t want it like that. I just want the benzos. They feel good, better than my frigging anxiety attacks. Truthfully, I wouldn’t want the anxiety meds at all if it hadn’t been for this eye surgery. I’m that fucking scared I’ll be put to sleep again, just for an eye exam because of my right eye not rolling in the socket, that my anxiety has now turned into a disorder.

I don’t know what I’m doing for the rest of today, now that it is Saturday and I’m still awake. I could sleep, but I’m going to stay awake and sleep from exhaustion tonight. I used to love sleep. Now I need drugs to sleep. See? I think I’m withdrawing from something I haven’t even taken enough of, or for long enough, to withdraw from! So I’m gonna not take nurophen Plus today. Since the eye pain isn’t as bad, I’ll give my body a test to see if it keeps my pain under control without the codeine. By evening I should be exhausted enough to sleep really well, even if it doesn’t mean I take nurophen Plus if my eye happens to be hurting more by then. If my eye doesn’t play up by tonight, the nurophen Pluss will only be there as necessary from now on, not as once every twenty-four-hour doses. I think sleep reminds me of when I was given that valium, and I didn’t feel anything happening with my anesthetic, except that I suddenly woke up in a bed with someone holding my hands, and I was rolled onto my side, freaking the fuck out because my Aunty wasn’t near me and I didn’t know where I was, or where I’d gone to. Now II know that if I crash and wake up, I’ll be at home. But that fucking feeling is so freaky now, yet if I had a valium or something, that crash feeling would be a pleasant one, not a sudden fainting feeling and then waking up, not knowing I’ve gone to sleep. It’s just not for me anymore. I’d rather have a pleasant sensation before falling asleep. I guess staying awake until one night I just knock out, would be the best option for me at this stage.


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