A free day

I decided that I’d excuse myself to a good sleep for half the day. It’s Saturday, so I couldn’t care less. I’m refreshed now, so that’s what matters. My eye feels a bit sore, but since I’m taking longer and longer to need any pain relief, I’ll say I’m getting over the surgery very gradually. I’m pretty certain the doctors will do some more procedures to fix any other problems and prevent any other painful conditions. But at least I can be kept asleep for as long as they want me to be, until I can wake up and not kill anyone, or myself! Tonight I’ll take nurophen Plus with a cup of warm milo. I want to be falling asleep soon after 8:30 so I can wake up at 6:30 tomorrow and get going straight away. I need to get used to having a morning cuppa coffee again, instead of just sleepingoff pain all the time. The cotton balls I bought recently are way better than those other eye pads used for cleaning make-up off the face. The balls are so much gentler, and I can carefully wipe between the eyelids and lightly across my cornea without hurting myself. Then I just take my other hand and gently swipe my finger acros my eyelids to get rid of any loose debris from my eye itself, and the cotton ball. I think everything is fine. Wool can’t really get stuck in the eye anyway, it just flicks out with blinking and tears, as well as a quick wipe with a clean fingertip or wet cotton ball. It’s not that hard to figure out, but for my brother who freaks out too much, it probably just might be. The cold water helps with the pain too, as well as carefully putting eye drops directly over the bit of my cornea which hurts more. It goes through my eye anyway, but if I drop eye drops onto the painful part of my cornea, it makes all the shit sluff off in tearful stick streams after the drops soak in. Disgusting! But whatever scratchy feeling that might have been there, somehow goes away after the drops produce this sticky teary stream, and then when normal tears come out after that, my eye feels a bit better, even though it hurts still.

It’s that scratchy feeling I’m trying to keep away. It’s the start of calcium, so if I keep putting enough eye drops in my eye and let them roll over the scratchy bit in my cornea, somehow it fixes it for a while. I just know that I’ll be put to sleep again though. I’m really dreading it! There’s supposedly less harsh anesthetic and this and that, but I said straight out that there’s too many medications for someone to accurately determine which one won’t make me sick or react really bad. The good thing is that there’s a range of sedatives and memory blockers that keeps me asleep during the negative reactions, of course until I try to sswallow some fucking tablets while I’m awake that is. Luckily I don’t throw up from trying to swallow tablets every time, because I don’t choke every time. But that’s not my point. My point is that when I say I don’t want to vomit, I frigging mean that seriously. Don’t tell me that being in the hospital is the best part. vomiting at home is nice too, in context of that people won’t see it. But is that the best? I don’t think so. Vomiting in hospital or at home means nothing, except that I could need an ambulance if I’m at home, but in hospital a doctor just turns up to the room and decides whether you need an intensive care room or not. That is fucken scary for me. I’m soooo lucky I didn’t go blue on them, or I’d have needed an oxygen mask for a while. And I hate those damn things. So I’m glad I could do breathing exercises and cough up gunk properly. The good part of all this negative stuff is that I will be used to some of the nurses, and at least I can use the same tricks for eating without vomiting, that I’ve tried the last time. And I can take dissolvable panadol until I can swallow the round tablet form of it again. I reckon capsule panadol is better, but sometimes the nurses want me dosed up a bit more than the capsules offer. The worst thing is that I might spew up again, and while I’m asleep, the nurses will mill around my room or just outside, talking about me, which I know I’ll hear a little bit of. Some things they say isn’t very nice, but you’d expect that they’d know that being asleep doesn’t make my hearing things any less easier. If I’m fast asleep that’s different. But if I’m lightly asleep because I’m starting to wake up, hearing things like names of different sedatives, or “Oh she did this… or that… vomit this and that…” bla bla bla, is really horrible for me. If they want me to not remember a vomiting episode, they shouldn’d say things that’ll either jog my memory, or get me to imagine what that issue might have been exactly, how severe, how long, or whether I might or mightn’t have needed oxygen. Of course memory blockers have that effect on you, but please don’t then talk about me in my hearing! A lot of people have had the same trouble with hearing things about the that drugs have caused them not to remember, so I guess I’m not alone. I still can’t stand hearing hard truths though. The horrible bit was that I was in front of the nurses station, so I could hear everything being said. Night time isn’t a good time for eavesdropping though, yet I couldn’t help it because they were talking clearly enough that anyone could hear them. The nurses weren’t loud, but they were talking normally like during the day, just with a bit more quietness to their voices. But because of the tranquilizers and other painkillers, they could force me to knock out so I couldn’t have nightmares or over-hear things which could cause me to have a nightmare. At least they kept me comfortable. Mum is such a dickhead that she wouldn’t think of all that, because she’s so stuck in her stupid past. And she’s an alcoholic. I mustn’t forget that one.

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