Warning: Please don’t read if you think this will depress you

Well, what do I say? I’ve been wanting to write for a good few weeks now. So I’ll just start from anywhere. Let’s go with the good news first. I want to at least cheer people up before giving them any negative shit. Unfortunately the negative stuff is reality for me, and I just have to trudge along and lose my temper at times and smile at other times.

Well, I still think moving to Cairns isn’t a mistake. Mum carried on like a pork chop a couple of weeks ago when she called me one night. So I told her I won’t be talking to her if she carries on like a dickhead at me all the time. It’s the same story really. She doesn’t have sympathy if anything is wrong with me or Joshua, but she doesn’t like not hearing when things are wrong. But if you give her good news, she thinks there’s issues we don’t want to deal with. So I’ve given up on talking to her until she can be a bit happy. I’ve warned her a dozen times, so now I’m following through with my plan. I’m sick of making things up out of anger, going back on my word, and then killing myself for putting up with her crap. So now I’m sticking it out and moving on with my life through this rollercoaster fucking world which I hate, smiling as much as I can whether she likes that or not. Yes the world sucks for everyone and we go off our frigging tree sometimes, but then we need to let go after a while. We can remember things as good or bad, but that’s different from just dwelling on the bad things as if they’re still happening today.

So basically Cairns is still where I want to be. I liked Darwin while I was there, but it’s the same every day, so it’s boring after a while. The weather was good here and there, but I think Cairns is where I actually need to be. Troy likes it here because there’s not yelling and screaming and drunkenness happening every day. That’s another thing Mum can’t understand: It’s that there’s a difference between being an alcoholic and just having a good six or more drinks overnight every six blue moons. And when you try to explain it in a way she’ll understand, she treats you like you’re mad and you’ve got the problem, not her. But don’t forget that she’s like that with all her issues! But anyway, Troy likes the peace and quiet, and the Adelaide instructors are glad I got him out of a bad situation. I like it here because I’m happy that I don’t have to follow anyone else’s house rules. Joshua carries on about real estate rules and such, but that’s not your own house rules, that’s business stuff to keep everyone’s homes safe really. I like it here because I can do what I want when I damn well want.

Well, that’s some of the positives. As well as my brother having left for Fiji this morning. He’ll be there for two weeks getting married and having a good honeymoon. It’ll be good for them. Then he’ll get back and I’ll get a new phone pre-paid deal, as well as a new phone. The battery life in this phone is fucked. Sometimes the battery runs out in a few hours, other times it lasts for days. It’s stupid. I’ll just leave it on the charger till morning, occasionally mucking around with it to make the battery drain a bit and then recharge itself to increase the power memory in it. It’s stuffed is all I can say. A new phone is a better phone. That way when I’m in the hospital, I can tell Mum to frig off in no uncertain terms if she tries her drunken unsympathetic attitude on me. At least I’ll have an excuse to take tranquilizers and then tell Mum I wish the same for her, while hanging up in a huff and really throwing myself onto the pillow for a good crash for a few hours. Seriously, if Mum thinks I’m putting up with shit, she’s got it coming to her. I won’t be very happy if I hear that she has been horrible while she’s in Fiji with the family. Since a cousin is staying behind, he and his wife can keep me distracted from the shit for a couple of weeks. I’ll let them know that I don’t mind tagging along with them because they don’t want me to be lonely, but at the same time they don’t need to run around like nurses just to make sure I’m all right lol! No way, they need to live a life and get their pay packets as well. If they want to run around after me, they can do so at leisure in their spare time thanks. I’ll just thank them and joke around, saying that they’ll get sick of me after a while. Then I’ll surprise them with shouting them a take-away which they’ll probably politely decline anyway! Most of my family are spoilers like that. I need to be thinking of surprises that I don’t need to tell them about, because so far I’ve thought of ideas but have said something and then they’ve said no don’t worry… Which friggen gets me frustrated that I can’t hold things secret because of the circumstances! I’ll buy them a gift voucher I think. I’ll leave the voucher at my Aunty’s place and leave one in my other cousin’s car, because then nobody can say no it’s fine save the money for yourself, or something like that. Oh well, I’ll come up with something. It’ll be a Christmas surprise for sure.

Now: Here’s the bad stuff. On the 22nd of October I’ve got my appointment with my eye doctor. They have that name, but most people need it easy, so I won’t give the specialty names, just the lay terms. Basically, my right eye doesn’t roll around like the left one does. It moves, but I can’t deliberately roll the right eye downwards, but I can roll the left eye downwards a bit of a way. The contact lens that fell out weeks ago hasn’t caused any complications I think. So far I’m taking less and less nurophen. At the moment it’s nurophen Plus because I don’t have the regular stuff, so I’m taking even less of that, since it has codeine in it and I don’t need that every few hours and every single day anymore. So taking less nurophen every day is a good sign. As for me deliberately rolling my eyes, the doctor wants to figure out why the right eye won’t move very much. It’s supposed to roll around easily in the socket whether you can see or not, whether you move it intentionally or not. So something is wrong there. The calcium looks like it’s not building up again, but apparently it can still happen in time. At this stage the doctor can’t say whether the calcium will build up very fast or very slow, because both eyes with the same condition still react differently. How that fucking works, I don’t know. I suppose it’s like having leg problems where both legs will react differently to the same issues, I don’t know. But yeah, my eyes are fucked where vision is concerned, ha

ha ha. Lol I knew that forever! As for the physical structure of my eye, it’s repairable to a point. The doctors want to repair it as far as there’s no pain or discomfort as much as can be possible with my eyes. Even if I say I don’t feel uncomfortable with the right eye not rolling in the socket properly, the doctors might try and fix that issue anyway, since most people want to feel movement in all functioning body parts if that person knows that intentionally moving their body is better than not, depending on what the situation is. So basically, I can’t see, but if moving it feels normal and not being able to move it doesn’t, regardless of how comfortable I think it is, the doctors want to make it as normal and healthy as possible anyway. It’s all fucking stupid to me, because calcium is the only complication I’ve had so far with both eyes, especially the right one. So I have no idea what other problems will occur if I can’t move my eyes. To put it simply, if you can roll your eyes around at will, it’s harder for calcium to build up in them because the crystals that form are somehow blinked away or something like that, but if they don’t move very well, the calcium just sits there because tears can’t always wash it away, and so it hardens in the eyes. So really, the eye doctor will probably make me be able to move my right eye at will just to prevent this calcium condition from coming back, at least as severely as it had done. My left eye moves more and I can control it more, which is probably why the calcium has built up very minimally. That’s what he thinks is the case anyway.

This frigging eye thing is so fucking complicated that I guess I’ll need another six blogs just to write about it. But I’ll just keep writing in this entry. The doctor won’t do anything for vision enhancement as I’ve said a hundred times, he being of the same accord with his speeches that last for like ten or more minutes. He is basically either preventing, or curing problems by correcting eye structures and getting rid of diseases tissue. Eeeeeeuuu! But it’s the only way to fix my damn eyes. The other option is repetitively doing little procedures, or removing my eyes, or at least the worst one, and replacing it with a glass eye. He doesn’t like that option. So this doctor’s idea is to do some repetitive procedures to find a pattern with this current condition, and to find some other problems in case something is wrong. Now, here’s the scoop on all this. If he finds that the calcium is because of not moving my eye properly, that being the case with any other possible conditions, he’ll correct that problem. Of course he has to check both eyes to make sure he’s following the same program with each eye, because what one eye is doing, might or might not be happening with the other eye. So if one eye is moving good and the calcium isn’t building up very fast, then most likely the other eye is in the same situation, that if it’s fixed so I can move it, the calcium won’t build up so fast. If the doctor finds that the calcium is building up regardless or whether I can roll my eyes properly or not, then there’s another issue he needs to deal with altogether. Another friggen program! It’s all about not doing procedures that won’t cure a problem. He’ll only do things that’ll either prevent, slow down, or cure conditions and diseases, in each individual eye, and based on what both eyes are doing as well. He doesn’t want to get rid of the calcium off the left eye, but he just might if he thinks it’s because the eye movement is stopping it from getting worse. If he doesn’t get rid of it, it’ll be because the eye isn’t irritating me very much anyway, so he doesn’t want to cause pain if I’m not in pain. If I can keep moving that left eye, then I shouldn’t get that calcium build-up happening as fast as what happened in the right eye. That’s the current program. It could change at any time, but if it doesn’t, then even though there’s negative stuff attached to this whole thing, the road should still be straight enough, only there’ll be a few speed bumps along the way. The twists and turns will probably start if we discover that my eye condition isn’t related to how well I can roll my eyes around at will, or if there’s another problem causing this. The doctor said he’’d have to keep scraping the stuff off the front of my eye and keep cleaning the cornea out if that’s the case. Since he doesn’t want to do this every year or two, he’ll eventually think of some other options while he’s at his repetitive dirty jobs. Anesthetising me each year is a bit much for me, I don’t know how other people sail through it. Whether they enjoy it or something, I don’t know. I can understand not realising some problems while you’re waking up, but then not realising you’ve even been sick at all? Like ok, actually spewing up is hard to remember when drugged, but saying that you’re fine when you wake up? Surely there’d be something that clicks with “Oh hang on I’m a bit upset in the guts still and I feel like I need to spew a bit, God I hope I wasn’t even sicker than that before this!” or something. I don’t know. As for me, when I get sick, I need treatment for the entire range of symptoms. Then there’s the psychological treatment so I won’t remember every single negative issue that has happened, because otherwise I’d remember too much trauma and be angry for weeks, not just for four or five hours. But seriously, this doctor will predict having to clean my eye out a few times, then decided more than likely that there should be another better option than this flaming shit.

All I want for me is a healthy life. I don’t want to be stuck in a hospital and I don’t want to be put to sleep for shitty fucking operations. I want to be able to see, that way I can be done with this bloody crap. But it won’t happen, and the only way I can have eye exams while I’m awake now is to have some corrective surgery done in the first place, so that I can roll my eyes around, despite not being able to use them for vision. The doctor is too afraid to let things go because he doesn’t know if there’s anything more serious that could really flare up if left unchecked. Who frigging knows? I personally think if he thinks I’m not in pain, he should leave my eyes alone. But apparently not moving them is a serious issue. Ah well, I can’t see so I don’t actually find it frightening. If I could see and I couldn’t move my eyes, yeah I’d freak. But since I don’t have vision, I don’t know what it’s like to have vision problems to scare me. It’s all bull crap. I’m sick of being surrounded by doctors who can do nothing but make me look what they call normal. Medically normal, that is. In all honesty, the reason I’d be getting any corrective surgery on my eyes, would be so I can get them examined in future without anesthesia. Oh, and the other reason would be to stop pain or discomfort. That’s how fuuuuuuuucking ridiculous this all is.

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