Second last day in Darwin, the scumbag place

Well, I’m glad I’m taking off on Wednesday! Last day in this damn town tomorrow! As for that fucken stupid pastor who I thought was a reliable person, he can go to hell. The fact that he didn’t support me and Mum at all, blaming me because things aren’t working out, and he doesn’t know the whole situation to be putting all the blame on me in the first place, is just another reason for me to hope I never talk to him again. I hope that when I’m gone, nobody except for one certain person from here, will care fucking less that I’ve ever existed. Real friends do something about being a little bit nice and a bit interactive, but hey, since I never had any real friends here except for one person, I don’t actually care. The only thing I care about is that the stupid pastor on Morehen Circuit who lets his stuff get stolen, is taking his church to hell, and I ain’t gonna hang out with them when they split up. Fuck him and fuck his mob. My honest reason for not wanting to hang out with them before the church breaks apart? Because they’re fakers and try to look good to attract people, instead of being good at heart. People who’re nice just to look good to attract people to their congregation, or just because they think they’ll be judged or punnished, are just mother-fucking ass holes. I’m being very nasty now because I’ve been nice to the lazy fat asses for long enough, and being nice is just not working, for the simple fact that I’ve allowed myself to be lied to and haven’t seen their true colours. Bruce wasn’t there when I needed his support, much more that he didn’t even try to help Mum but put all the responsibility on me when I was actually trying to fix my own life. So I’m not going to be there to help him when he wants it. So now it’s all his fault that his stuff is being stolen, his fault that his life isn’t the way he wants it to be, his fault that a few other things aren’t right. How about he fix his fucking life instead of fixing everyone else when he can’t even help himself because he’s too busy picking and choosing who he will and won’t help. Goodbye Bruce. I hope I never see you again.

Troy is being absolutely perfect with me, he has been ever since I moved away last Wednesday. I can’t believe it. I do take responsibility for the fact that I didn’t see his bad behaviour for what it actually was. Now I do see that, and I’m never trusting Mum or her boyfriend to look after him ever again, or to instruct me on how to treat him, ever again. Even though I blamed myself over it for a while, it’s in the past now. I’m not going to let this be a drama for the next ten years. I will hold onto the fact that Troy is going to have his last few years as a guide dog with more comfort than ever before, and for the next ten years I’ll remind myself that Troy is a product of his environment and will respond to what’s happening around me, so I’ll be on edge with how I talk to him or act around him forever. But I won’t be bearing grudges about the bad things, other than to tell Mum that Troy’s not going near her anymore. If she wants to argue, I’ll tell her that Troy’s as good a dog as any, and I’ll do what I fucking damn want to keep him comfortable, and that’ll be the end of the story. At least Troy knows I’m not the cause of all the discomfort that has happened to me or him. That’s why I moved away from it, because I actually didn’t want trouble in my life in the first place. Let’s just say that when I get to Cairns, church won’t be on my agenda until I find a pastor who wants to treat his congregations and other people nicely. He doesn’t have to know everything, he just needs to be a little bit reasonable. He doesn’t need to put the blame game on everyone, other than to find out who’s responsible for shit and put the responsibility onto them to clean up the mess. Until I find such a church, I’m not interested in going.


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