Fighting to get a unit for myself is really getting to me

I went to TEMHCO today. I got there late because I missed the damn bus! It’s not new for me to miss a bus, but it’s still a pain all the same. When I got there, I went to Hungry Jacks for the first time in months! I bought a small vege burger meal so I could take it back to TEMHCO to eat it. Nobody was there anyway because they were at the gym. I was glad for the peace and quiet. I got to eat and think without anyone disturbing me. I love the place, it really serves everybody’s mental health needs! Anyway, I loved the meal, it’s never bad at all. I wanted an ice-cream, but the ice-cream machine was being cleaned, so I bought the meal instead. I like it that I can buy anything from Hungry Jacks and I can eat it. When people turned up to TEMHCO I nattered on for ages as I always do. After lunch, the chattering continued until it was time to go home. On the way home in the mini van, the support worker kept driving like a dickhead! I told her a few times that we’re not driving a police car and that we shouldn’t act like we’re in one. So she said that maybe we should be in a police car. I frowned at that, because doing burn-outs around corners just for fun is disgusting. There’s too many cars and pedestrians these days to take driving lightly. I prayed for God to set me up for a trip to the hospital because I’d rather a paramedic drive as fast as he can, than some other stupid person who can’t drive as good. We still got home safely enough.

As soon as I got home Mum asked about my Territory Housing situation. I got angry and told her, then I angrily rang this disability service I’m with and told them politely what my deal is. They need to understand that I’m living at Mum’s because I have to, and even though it’s set up so I can live there, it’s still not the ideal place for me and I’m not comfortable. Getting on with Mum and living with her are two different things, and this lady needed to know that. The lady said she’d talk to the manager on Thursday, and she seemed to understand me all right. It’s all because Mum put her side of the story forward too, when we both went in there a few months ago. Of course that’s when I walked out of there in such an angry mood, that when I went to the Pinicle Cafe at Cas, the poor guy who worked there was freaking out about me! Then he freaked out, as well as the other ladies who work there, just because I choked on coffee. I then joked and said that people don’t generally plan to sit down to drown on coffee just because they’re angry! That didn’t go down too well, but the guy managed to laugh over it anyway. I accidentally choked on coffee, but all the same I was very angry. Now that this discussion has happened, I think I’m getting somewhere with this service. I know they need to put support workers with people who actually need them, I do agree that there’s a lot of cons out there. I know one of them. I actually can’t stand the guy who has a support worker but doesn’t need one. He’s a dick. So, maybe telling this disability service over and over will do the trick, because they’ll see that I don’t need to be uncomfortable every day. I don’t want people to change the subject and say that we don’t live forever and bla on, I want them to help me move into a more comfortable environment. Just because I move out doesn’t mean I’ll never talk to Mum again. I just want my own place. Even if I find someone to live with, the point is that I don’t need to live under the same roof as my parents for the rest of my life. My relationship with my mother doesn’t have to always be the kind where we have to live together. I don’t want that. I actually don’t have a choice of otherwise at this time, and that’s what I’m proving to this disability service, which is why I so desperately want help from them right now! What I want is a place where I don’t have to worry about hurting myself every time I go outside, I don’t have to climb into the bathtub just to have a shower, because I always have to make sure I don’t slip, all that sort of stuff. And I’m sick of catching transport everywhere all the time because it takes too long for me to get anywhere. I can’t go for a walk when I want because it’s too unsafe, so again I have to catch the buses just so I can get to the depot so I can walk to wherever I want to go to from there. It’s a pain in the flaming backside. Having to rely on someone to tell me where it’s safe to get around the back yard every day is ridiculous, and having to have things set up inside so I can get around safely is a bit much. I want a place where things can be set up easily without having to compromise the comfort of the other people who live here. I’m glad this service is finally trying to see my point. I just hope they can help me after this meeting that this lady will have with her manager.

I wanted to go shopping today, but I’m way too tired to do anything. I didn’t sleep well last night, I was up and down all night because I drank so much water. Every time I think I’m coming down with something, I drink a great big heap of water just to flush my system. I need to start doing this during the day though, because waking up every two hours isn’t very nice. Oh well I’ll sleep good tonight. I’ll stay home for most of the day tomorrow, then go shopping in the afternoon. On Thursday is my big day out and on Friday I’m sitting on my fat ass all day. Talking of being fat, I’m not getting a big lunch on Thursday. Shirley and Mereula can get as much food as they want, but I’m not going for a great big meal. If I lose ten kilograms, I’ll eat a big heap of food, but until then I’ll go for the small meals so I won’t get hungry, but I also won’t put on any more weight. I need to start buying small meals when I’m out, and bringing them home to mix with rice or something. Rice will fill me up, but I’ll still get a bit skinnier because rice doesn’t do anything but give you vitamins and minerals. It doesn’t increase weight. It’s one of those foods which you can eat lots of and still lose weight. It’s enough to keep you alive and strong while you’re losing the weight. I hate people who promote diets that make you starve. That’s not a diet, that’s fucking stupid! Starving is not a dietary habit. Eating lots of zero-fat foods and minimal fat foods is how you do it. You still need to function well, while you’re trying to take off a few kilos. All these diet fads are just a mental illness. People starve just to get attention, they don’t actually want to lose weight, they just want to stop eating for attention. If they wanted to lose weight, they’d eat foods that keep them strong to start with. Today I had a small Hungry Jacks meal and a piece of keish. Tonight I’ll drink milk and have some toast. Tomorrow I’ll cook rice for lunch I think, and I’ll go shopping in the afternoon. Oh yeah I’ll have to think of something for breaky. It’s all about moderation and balance. Eat lots of food which can’t make you fat, and a little of the fattening food here and there, and if you’re quite skinny, eat a fair bit of fattening food while still consuming lots of low-calorie food to keep the weight from increasing too fast.

Besides all the dramas with Territory Housing and the likes of having to prove that my life looks so great on the surface but it’s difficult underneath, I think I’m coping all right. I keep telling everyone at TEMHCO that they’re nice and can be honest about whether they’re able to help me or not and so on. So that support system is keeping me sane. I cope fine when I don’t have to worry about issues with home safety and stuff. That’s where a good place will help, and I cope fine when I’ve got information in an accessible format, and that’s where Guide Dogs would be a good help. I’ll just keep nagging at them every time things go wrong so they’ll see how bad life actually is. Life is really good when I’m out and about, life is really good when I’m sitting on my fat ass, or when other people look in and only see the good and positive things about me and how I deal with my independence, and all the other nice things they think I’ve got going for me. But when the bad things compromise all these nice possibilities and positive life achievements, people need to know so they’re not so stuck on being all upbeat so much that they overlook problems. Problems are a hassle for me, and they need to be prevented before problems start, not cured after they happen. Cures are great if you don’t know what’ll go wrong. But if you make considerations, cure doesn’t need to be a necessary part of the equation. That’s another reason why I like TEMHCO, and I pointed that out to the guys today. Why is it that they look for problems that aren’t happening yet and prevent them from coming up, yet other organisations don’t do that? They’re trying to convince me to get a referral from the doctor, but I explained to them that he doesn’t want to refer me to anyone unless I’m actually sick. He assessed me and decided that apparently I don’t need to see a psychiatrist or get referral letters. As much as I want to go back to him, he unfortunately doesn’t want to do anything till there’s an actual problem beyond me getting upset all the time. Well, I don’t want to be cured! I want to be kept from getting sick so the doctor won’t have to treat me. When I told the guys all that, they were speechless. TEMHCO is all about keeping people well, but sadly the doctor is all about saying you’re not sick enough to need his help, and so predictions are made. I then decided that TEMHCO would help me not get depressed, which is happening. So pretty much the doctor won’t want to even consider me now. He’ll ask if my support group and the staff are helping me, and if I say yes, he’ll just tell me to keep up with the support group. If I tell the doctor that they’re helping me but I’m still frustrated, it’ll just lead to a big argument over why I should get help from the government. I don’t think the government will help me at all, they’ll just listen to me but won’t be able to help me out other than to wish me all the best. They do help me out with public transport and Guide Dogs issues, but they can’t always help out with disability accommodation. At best, they’d probably refer me to a disability agency and say a few things to them anyway. But how that’ll help me get anywhere, I don’t know. So I don’t want to argue with the doctor over it. I’ll just get really really sick from stressing too much, then he’ll understand and will “cure” me or whatever is stressing me out and will do all these lobbying things because he can help me if I’ve got an actual problem to fix. But no, instead I’ll keep going to TEMHCO so they can prevent me from going insane.

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