Anxiety attacks due to being overly frustrated…

Where do I start? Ok, to put things in order, I’ll start with yesterday. The morning went all right, I got ready to go and I went. That wasn’t too exciting. I got on the bus and took the usual journey to my job agency. Job Club was going well… Until a frigging argument happened! And… Guess what it was about? Ah, you should know by now that Case Manager Guy don’t like guide dogs in some workplaces. And he also thinks that I need to work to the standards of a particular application or particular test. Let’s say the guide dogs argument was the bloody worst of the two! I believe in job standards, and doing things to improve employment opportunities all the way. However, going to uni because I failed one application, without first checking other applications for alternative options if available, isn’t how I work. I can go back to uni, but please, let me do the applications and talk to the employers first! Then I’ll know exactly why I’m doing the course, and for which particular job, instead of doing the run-around trick and getting nowhere. If I need excellent typing skills, sitting at home isn’t getting me those skills is it? I do blogging, but to no particular standard set by an employment or volunteer workplace. So telling me to fix my mistakes isn’t doing anything to get me a job.

The fucking argument about guide dogs in workplaces, well let’s say that I threatened to take Case Manager to court if it keeps happening. Service dogs going into a place of someone’s work, and I don’t give a stinking rat’s ass where, or which workplace, isn’t because of loopholes in the laws about animals not being allowed into offices, restaurants, cafes, and other businesses. Service animal laws are separate. They certainly have some integrated procedures surrounding these laws, like not allowing them near food preparation areas or sterilized areas in hospitals. But where mobility access is concerned, if the dog is somewhere where these particular areas in question won’t be contaminated, such as in a corner of a staff room, outside the kitchen doorway under a desk, or in some sort of store area which I can easily access when going to and from my specific work area, then no I’m not breaking any animal welfare law, because service animal laws are applied in such a way that the standard law also isn’t broken. Troy wasn’t supposed to come into the ER with me, because I own the dog, the visit with Troy was set up so that I could touch him, but I had to have my IV sites immediately cleaned. It meant that service dog laws were upheld, and the other animal laws and policies regarding OHS, were not friggen broken! The dog wasn’t allowed to just prance around and shove his snout all over the edges of the bed, and all over me. I could understand that, probably not so clearly, but I did figure it out. And Troy couldn’t stay with me for as long because I was too dopy to control him if he was left there. So I decided for myself to let him go home. Unfortunately, stupid Case Manager decided to assume that I want employers to tell me why I won’t get the job. Kind of true, but I’m more concerned about not getting jobs based on me having my guide dog with me.

I absolutely won’t leave my dog home just to reduce arguments with the employers. In fact I won’t argue with them. I’ll just tell them what the case is, with a positive attitude that work won’t change because of a dog or the cane. I just happen to use the dog rather than a cane, and that the dog is much easier to work with than a stupid cane. I rang Mike and told him such, but not so bluntly. He’s having a talk with Case Manager, and I’ll see how it went when I ring Mike tomorrow, if he doesn’t ring before I ring him. It’s fine for me to agree with Case Manager’s side of the story. He’s the one helping me to get the stinking job. But what isn’t fine is that I’m his client, and he finds it ok that I have to agree with him but he doesn’t have to agree with me? Ah, I’m the one trying to find a job, and I’m the one who needs to get to work safely, every flaming day! Oh well, I spoke to a guy from TEMHCO today, and we worked out a plan for me, and for damn God’s sake he’s not a qualified professional. He’s just a smart ass, but he’s lovely. He uses his smartness intelligently. So, I’m giving my job agency another four weeks, then I’m changing to another service.

I sent a message to my friend after the job agency crap, and I relaxed for an hour before getting my shopping done. I brought home some chicken wings and cooked them in the slow cooker. They were

yum’m’m’m’m’m’m’m’m’m’m’my! I bought a kilogram of them,, and we ate the entire lot in half an hour. I said that next time I’d be getting two kilos, knowing that we’ll eat a lot of them again, and I’ll be doing this next week. It’s a bit expensive to buy stuff like that, but I hardly ever use the slow cooker, so I couldn’t care less. I got some more bacon and eggs too, so I might make a bacon and egg sandwich tonight if I feel hungry later. I don’t want to cook stir-fry vegetables, I’m doing that on Thursday, so I’m having a lazy one tonight. There’s potatoes in the fridge going rotten, so I need to make a potato salad, which I’ll probably do on the weekend.

It should be a happy end to the week after having a really depressing day yesterday, a terrible night last night, and a bad anxiety attack this morning. I think I’m turning schizophrenic, so thank God for the bloody chat with said guy this arvo, I’m now thinking a lot clearer about things! I just need to ring employers, send the contacts to Case Manager so he knows which jobs I’m applying for, and do the applications. He can at least talk to them as well, and discuss any funding options for whatever equipment if I’m to get whichever job that comes up first. I think that’s a better plan, after yesterday’s yelling match, which I had to keep pulling into line by putting my voice box at a lower volume to keep myself from going crazy. Eventually Case Manager apologised, and we moved on with the discussion. I was exhausted to say the least, and am just starting to get over it tonight. Oh my God! Being told that I should grow up, according to some source’s opinion is fine. But said person needs to consider that childish behaviour with me, means ah, I’d be really, really really fed up by that stage, and would need to “grow up” out of the shrinking that has happened because of lack of support and resulting stress, because I want to be helped when I ask for help, not just when people think I need help. Rrrrrrrr! Don’t press my buttons for weeks and expect me to behave sanely please? It just don’t work like that, especially when I’m asking for legitimate answers, and am getting knocked back every fricken time.

I can only take so bloody much, and my friend S (lady from TEMHCO), who I thought was spending more time at the post office than usual because I assumed something was wrong, had accidentally got me really over the edge, and my resulting half-crying whilst standing there with a big, depressing frown and a good lot of tears slowly streaming like death was at me,; got half the shopping centre drawn to me! How embarrassing! The more embarrassing part was finding out that my friend had neither forgotten about me, nor had anything gone wrong in her mind for her to take longer at the post office! God damn it. The support work came over to the shops in a hurry to find out the same info herself, and so she had to convince the both of us that we were both fine, except that we misunderstood what was happening with me assuming that something had gone wrong with S. Oh no, that’s terrible. S felt really bad for me and kept comforting me. I eventually told her that I won’t be worrying about anyone anymore now, unless I know for certain that something is amiss. I then said that I like being her friend, that friends don’t always have to give philosophical advice and such, just being a good friend is good enough. She agreed. This afternoon on the way home, I had to remind her that it’s not always about blaming and fault-finding. It’s just that she doesn’t know everything just like I don’t know everything. We misunderstand each other for whatever reason, and we sort things out and move on. I told S that I hope she doesn’t have nightmares about after all this, since I know she didn’t mean to upset me like that. She simply innocently went into the post office and had to wait in line, and me and the support work had no idea, because she wasn’t there, so had to assume that my fears were either real or just assumed because of what I felt had been occurring. I felt bad that S felt shitty because of this situation, which I didn’t know was just because of a fricken longer queue. S didn’t answer the phone, which frightened the living $ out of me! Again, she was innocently busy with her stuff at the post office, and of course she’d have to concentrate and not answer the friggen phone. That’s normal for everyone. I think I’m stressing myself out too much, and it’s turning into depression, paranoia, and schizophrenia, because I just don’t know how to stop the stupid fucken stress attacks from coming on. I obviously assume too much, but how the fuck do I get rid of the stress that suddenly hits me when I start assuming things? Like, if I don’t suddenly get anxious without warning when I assume something, maybe the assumption won’t go too far. Or something else needs to happen so I won’t develop an anxiety attack and stress out as if something is about to happen in any given situation at the time. I might give myself some friggen cue, like oh well, I’ve been waiting here for more than ten minutes, so I’ll assume that it’s busy, so I’ll give the person another ten minutes, then find out if everything is fine before letting the stress take over. I know that if the stress starts, everything else follows, and I really lose it then. I just need to stop the stinking stress, so the rest of the paranoid depression rubbish doesn’t come rushing at me.

I won’t say I need to grow up, because growing up is for if I’m being like this just to be a dickhead. If I was like this before frustration took a few weeks to build up, I’d consider that growing up and getting a grip would be great, but because I already had a grip on life and now frustration has very slowly taken over to the point of severe stress, I can’t get a grip anymore, and so I can’t keep growing up can I! Je’e’e’e’e’e’e’e’esus! I actually need alternative options to fix the frustration, or I won’t have much choice but to get very very stupid. This morning was embarrassing to say the least, but at least I quickly explained to the lady that I’d be fine if I knew what was up with S. By then my anxiety had already taken over, so it was too late to reverse it, until S raced over to me and calmly told me she was fine and carefully got me out of my terrible state. The support work had to help me as well, and explained to this other lady that we’d be all right now, because what I thought had been the case, wasn’t the case. I’m really going loopy I think. Too much frustration and too much stress, mixed with a lot of arguing, fighting almost legal battles, and always being cranky and nice, cranky and nice, fluctuating the mood swings and stuff, ain’t doing me very good.

The good thing about today was the chat with the guy this afternoon. I needed to get all this job situation crap sorted out. Finding out how he went with his job agency appointments and how he coped with changing agencies, and coping with having to tell these case managers what he wants to do, without creating even more confusion, gave me something to think about. I wish the agencies could make it easy for us and just do what we want without having to force the bloody issue! Apparently the agency he’s with doesn’t tell him what to do, but he still think s that jumping in before they start pushing him around, is still a good option for him, because of previous experience. He reckons that this agency he’s currently with, doesn’t try to push back when he tells them that he wants something different from what they’ve suggested. If that’s the case, I might just change agencies if things don’t progress with this one. All I want is a job to go to, and getting stuffed around and treated badly by the people who’re meant to be helping me, is doing more to kill me very early. The reason I’m not being killed by the stress at the moment? People like this guy, my other friends, and Support Worker, are helping me find alternative options for fixing the stinking shit that’s happening. There’s not much need for throwing temper tantrums if you find some new strategy or new fucking idea that you’ve never thought of, if everything else is currently not working. I don’t know everything, and if I turn stupid because of something I don’t know, either show me how to work through the situation, or don’t tell me to grow up. If I don’t like what’s happening, then there’s something wrong with how I’m learning, or how I’m being treated, or maybe I just don’t want to learn. Other than that, don’t expect me to change or get better if I haven’t learnt how to, or haven’t been given other choices.

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